Fiera's Diary

PT yesterday - and the past several times - has been really tough. I have been struggling w tight and stiff muscles. Other symptoms. Possibly an allergic reaction to a new antibiotic. Something systemic.

Still I have managed to do enough to keep myself in the game lately, A run walk Sat with some longer dog walks. A six mile hike Tues with step ups/downs onto some tall benches, Simply would not have been possible a couple of months ago. PT Tues we did some "chest openers" - which complemented some upper body stretching I did before the doc arrived. I can readily do 30 second planks and one legged glute bridges. I can see in the mirror that my legs and torso have more definition, and my posture has improved.

Even though I daily make bad food choices and have emotionally driven eating, I am feeling some restored sense of capability and confidence which come from being more fit. There is so much opportunity to do better, and yet I feel it is good to celebrate how much progress I have made.

The scale is around 173 which is not awful in light of the indiscretions. And there is a higher muscle percentage than there was. I will of course be stoked when I get under 170 at last, and I feel like I am finally in a better place with some momentum to reach that goal.

I have a call scheduled with Proggy shortly. He says he is bummed but I am not sure what of several possible topics is foremost. Regardless, I will try to be a good listener and at the same time I will respect my own boundaries.
 
I'd say it's ok that there's room for improvement with both your food and your fitness as long as working TO improve. And it looks to me like you are.
 
Cleaning lady was here yesterday. There is always a mad scramble (the D--- Dash) the morning of to put things away and make it generally easier for her to clean. I have talked about this before. Yesterday I decided it would be nice to try to consolidate/sift thru these 3 organizers containing everything from broken sunglasses to paperwork to old Christmas Cards bearing photos, to travel/trip momentos. The passage of time does make it clearer what one can get rid of.

I pause to say that I just saw a hummingbird briefly in the grapevine in my backyard! The first time in the 24 years I have lived here. I started the sprinkler in the far back just before sunup and it apparently came to drink water off the leaves before flitting off. I am delighted.

A small number of other birds also appear to be taking advantage of the water Nuthatches and robins. A robin just hopped over to where the water is pooling to take a bath. The tiger lillies are singing a chorus of approval.

I had come out back to drink my coffee. There is a cooler feel to the air this morning, which lends some hope that we won't have the same scorching hot dry winds that we did yesterday. I did not feel bad abandoning my outdoor plans after reading one kayaker who went to the same rec are I had been planning and was driven off due to the excessive heat.

Unfortunately, I kept snacking all day yesterday. So dumb. If I don't have crap in the house I can't binge on it readily. Ice cream. Chips. Somehow all those little poor decisions the past week or so reached a crescendo. Well....the chips and ice cream are gone now. Back to yogurt.

Also, back to the passage of time...and what is important...

One of the items was an old IPhone 4S. I knew it was there, but yesterday I found a charging cable for it and was able to power it on, wanting to use it as a dedicated device to run my bluetooth speaker so guests can use it. Well. It was last seen in 2017. There are photos on it, as well as old texts and phone numbers and a Signal stream w BG. From a journaling perspective, I would like to look thru and keep that stuff. But to use the phone for what I want, I need to wipe it. I put it aside for now.

I did peek thru a bit of an old hard copy journal from 2011-2013 era. There is some real magic there, but also some real pain. And I was reminded for just how long I was lost and searching for meaning in my life. There had to be some big reason why I uprooted everything, I felt. I owed it to myself to live an extraordinary life, and I had all the ingredients for that special sauce, but I couldn't figure out where it was that I belonged. What was my best right place in the Universe?

Of course I eventually stopped asking the questions. Not because they were answered, but because I was so far down in anxiety and depression that I wasn't feeling any sort of Big Magic, connection with the Universe. In spite of the fact that my dad and my dog's health issues are factors retarding travel, I still feel some sense of the Big Wheel starting to turn again.

I think fondly of Proggy but don't feel romantic love. I love and appreciate him for his friendship. AN on the other hand, almost feels volatile and unhealthy. Yesterday I was troubled by a sense of longing which kicked in after I had just had a phone call which I found annoying and felt like he had been crawling around in my psyche without an invitation. I felt jealous and on guard that a woman who once had an affair with his friend had driven an hour to come talk with him AND bought him dinner at 'our' restaurant where I had dinner with him only couple of weeks ago. What good is this? If I can't be with him, if the conditions leading to our breakup have only worsened, then what is the point of putting myself into an emotionally vulnerable position? And how *not* in control is he right now,of his own thoughts and actions? I am not going to be a lamb to slaughter, no. I need to look outward for my next companion (if and when I am ready). It's just...so....comforting....to be with people who know you already, and who accept you, and encourage you. I wish AN wasn't a hot mess, but he is, and has been, and that is that.

S is on her way here. Proggy tomorrow. PT and therapy this morning. Hike planned with S before sunup tomorrow. Kayak outing Sunday. Keep moving Fiera, the answers will present themselves.
 
Fiera said:
I pause to say that I just saw a hummingbird briefly in the grapevine in my backyard!
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How lovely! Best I can do is hummingbird butterflies. Also cute but nowhere near as pretty.
Fiera said:
In spite of the fact that my dad and my dog's health issues are factors retarding travel, I still feel some sense of the Big Wheel starting to turn again.
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Excellent. Doesn't have to turn quickly, as long as it keeps turning.
Fiera said:
It's just...so....comforting....to be with people who know you already, and who accept you, and encourage you.
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Ugh, I know that feeling... But you definitely don't need a hot mess pulling you off course!
 
S was here and it was a distressing visit. I am not comfortable reflecting on it here and I am still trying to process it myself. I know that she is going through very difficult times and so I am cutting her a ton of slack. At the same time, I cannot ignore how I was and am feeling. Depleted.

Recognizing things which FILL my bucket:

Took K dog for a short walk in FG and hit an estate sale on the way home.

We had a pretty hard downpour this morning and my garage stayed dry and my basement also. Fingers crossed I am making some progress.

Dad was able to have a more calm discussion about the state of affairs, political leadership, etc, Usually he just rants and I let him. I can keep a calm tone most of the time.

May nap before Proggy gets here.
 
Trying to sort thru recent medical issues. A close contact tested positive Mon for COVID which has put a monkey wrench into plans to stay w my Dad Thu-Sat while Peaches is away. I learned this news while I was in the car with another friend to go hiking. We did have a good 7 mile hike followed by ice cream. I home tested later and negative but of course there is a waiting period after exposure.

Yesterday I cancelled PT to be safe and went for a bunch of lab work. I am frustrated with waiting for results, answers, direction. Mostly I feel like crap that I am choosing to not be with my Dad (though I am an hour away if there is a crisis). It's not just the COVID risk but whatever else seems to be dogging my immune system. The Universe is SCREAMING at me to stop, let go, de stress. Sorry, Universe, For a while there I was starting to live like an actual person with a full life, who could both show up for others AND have some fun, and I guess that is not the life that you want for me? Any time you would like to shed some light on what it is that you WANT me to do, I guess I am becoming more open to listen.

And now, I am removing myself from the pity party, party of 1, and getting on with things.
 
Happenstance brought me to the first page of my journal, where I note that my short term goal was to get under 170 pounds, Here I sit, 9 months later, a few pounds lighter and still not under 170 pounds. I have emerged from the worst anxiety and have replaced it with a busyness which I cannot sustain. My mind and body need time and space to heal. I take on too much responsibility for other peoples problems and feelings. It is time to "own" my life again. I feel like I don't have a life. I have a series of event which I try to juggle to keep things afloat...doctors appointments, phone calls, shopping, half hearted training, laundry. What am I doing differently from when I was living a robust life with world travel? Where is the joy, the fun?

I do believe that getting a lawn service has freed up some time. Maybe I need to figure out a way to bring some income in. I splurged on getting my hair done Tuesday and that made me feel happy.

Side note: After spending time w CC yesterday I don't ever want to end up in a residential facility of any kind. Theirs is supposed to be one of the better places and yet they are being served inedible, improperly prepared food (under/overcooked, over salted), so they skip eating sometimes, or eat things they medically shouldn't. And they have no choice, and no real options. Some of this is worker shortages, but never mind the reasons. Being that vulnerable, with no one to advocate for me, scares me to death for the future, i guess a lot of things scare me about the future.

Gee. Heavy thoughts this morning.

It is time for the D---- Dash, the cleanup for the cleaning lady. If I have any epiphanies, I will be back.
 
The food in residential facilities is definitely one of the things that scare me. I worked in one of the most high-end ones in the country and still brought my own food rather than having the (cheap for us semi-employees) food the residents ate. Way too much meat, too much salt, sad, loveless vegetables, overcooked carbs, most of the meals made up from mostly packaged food... My health could not deal.

Having a bit of extra income to more easily afford some little luxuries sounds like an excellent goal.
 
Back from what was a difficult PT session. Everything took excessive effort and I was overheating/nauseous. The air is super humid and I haven't done anything resembling real cardio or PT in a while. Still having skin issues which seem aggravated by heat and sweat.

Feel sleepy after that so came home, showered and have crawled into my freshly laundered bed. I have an eye appt later so need to set an alarm...
 
Yesterday was bad. I had 'the Sad', was irritable, was having hot flashes and nausea, tears welling out of my eyes in search of a reason. Severe fatigue. Tight muscles. Being mean and blunt with people. Around dinner time I start getting this idea that I wanted chocolate cake. Considering I had no appetite for my Napoli pizzi joint after the eye doc, I thought I would just follow this lead and ended up getting chocolate cake and a hot dog delivered. Hormones? While waiting somehow I got to researching and hit on an article describing keto flu (aka carb flu) and it fit perfectly. Because of my skin issues I was trying to eat mindfully and focus on more on eggs, protein and salad greens. I thought I had enough carbs but probably not.

Tell you what...that cake "fixed" things. 😆 I felt well enough to walk the dog after the sun went down. Got a good nights' sleep and woke up today feel more normal.

Except I am really struggling with my vision and the 'new' contact lenses I thought were going to work. That sent me to a dark place thinking ahead and also of my poor ------- whose last years were so miserable because she couldn't see and could not function; for years she wanted to die. The condition is hereditary and I am scheduled to see a specialist because I have the hallmarks. I am a fan of people being allowed to humanely (and with assistance) turn out the lights on their own lives when they, of sound mind, determine that life isn't worth living any more. In any event there are some things that can be done today which were not available in the past, so just going to focus on today.

Which....is otherwise OK. I am happy that I got the ball rolling with some banking changes. I opened a CD for the first time and am going to move some cash to an online bank which has better savings rates. I also received a notice about my MLI's so it is a good time to get back in and solidify my understanding, My portfolio has bounced back from the recent losses, taking some of the pressure off, and my house hasn't generated any new curve balls recently. My dog is having a nice post-dinner snooze and my belly is full of steak tacos from the place down the road. Parks district is showing a movie outdoors tonight which I will probably go watch (vision dependent).
 
Accountability:

Breakfast: Poached egg (70), Wheat toast (110) w butter (50) = 230
L: Salad w restaurant S dressing, (200) 2 organic hot dogs (200)= 400
D: Chicken Breast Sand w Fries / mayo (750)
D: Bread/Butter (220)
Drinks/Snacks EF: (450)
Drive Thru: Shake (300), 2 onion rings (80)= 380
IN: 2210
OUT: Dog walk, laundry (100)
NET: 2330

AM: Zyrtec, Med/Supp, T
PM: Med/Supp only
Sleep: 7 (stayed up til 12:30)

Lifey Bits:

This morning I decided that I am NOT GIVING UP on making healthy lifestyle change, reversing disease, and living my best life.

I note also that renewed focus comes after a draining week and then reflection from my therapy appt yesterday. The discussion is the nature of people I have allowed in my inner circle and why I let them consume all my available bandwidth. That when I am not prioritizing my self-care and self-improvement, I break down. It's a cycle. I want to help people (and animals) and I feel like accountability and showing up are ALL that matter. But I get exhausted and then I have no energy left for the things which need tending to, or refill my own bucket,

Last night I was able to have peace and quiet (except the air conditioner white noise, gah) and I finally got caught up with my balances in my financial software. I mean, this is a basic life function and I was over a month behind. How can I think or keep up with the constant presence of the phone in my life? I hate the phone, I was so glad when the battery died yesterday and I was without a charger away from the house.
 
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Carbs, or a lack thereof, can really influence your hormones so both can be true at once. Potential vision issues are super scary as they make such a big difference in how independent you can be when you get older and that anxiety could absolutely play a role as well.
Yay for less financial worry though!
 
Back to Accountability in a few.

Struggling more with my vision yesterday and today.

Feeling irritable with Proggy who is asking to make plans for next weekend and getting annoyed that I don't know, I told him if he needs an answer, than the answer is no. Get a friend to go. You can stay at my house. They can stay at my house. Then he fuffs around and says that he really needs to move up here.

I feel Sad today. Sad about my eyesight and sad about this hiking trip and sad about the fact that I need to shower and do laundry and pay bills and all that. And sad that I just feel tired and fuzzy when I finally have a few hours of breathing space.

I am glad that I recognize that The Sad is likely to a byproduct of social eating/drinking (esp sugar drinks & dessert at EF's) plus the lack of sunshine and exercise while trying to heal my skin. It's sort of like having the onset of SAD.

Plus having a problem with my B12 injections so may switch back to pills for a bit.

I also was thinking about getting my blood pressure checked. I need to work on a to-do list,

The thought occurred to me, how would it change my thoughts, actions, and priorities if I learned that I was going to have a serious further degradation in my eyesight within the next year? What trips would I take, where would I spend time, who would I visit? With me, with my aphantasia, it would be difficult to picture people and places from recall. (I operate more on recognition than recall). Not going to dwell on it now but it would be a good reality check exercise.

Ok back to Action.
 
Brunch: 2 Egg (140), 1 bkfst ssg (45), oatmeal w milk (230) = 415
Snk: Small bit leftover chix snd & fries (120), shake (130) = 250
Dinner: Hummus: 8*70=(560), Quinoa chips (200), bit dark choc (40) = 800
IN: 1465
OUT: Short dog walks (50)
NET: 1415

AM: M/S, Zyrtec
PM: M/S

Lifey Bits: Told Gurudoc to plan without me for Sept. I feel this sort of sad-but-ok acceptance. Some factors have not gone in my favor. I can no long accomplish ANYTHING I choose in this life...or maybe I just didn't want it badly enough to begin with. Or maybe I let S's tornadic, noncommittal approach cloud my path. Or perhaps it was my people pleasing b.s. all along.

There isn't any green stuff in there but Proggy and I went to grocery today and I have some nice mixed greens to eat for dinner (w some organic chicken). If I feel hungry later. My tummy has been off since at least lunch yesterday.

Yesterday was a good reminder of how social situations (and expectations) can sabotage the unprepared. The fries with dinner were unnecessary (oh, and bread and butter, which I just remembered and need to go back and add). Then, I drank Proggy's cup of peach vodka lemonde because he didn't like it....and then a dessert was served which was heavy in sugar, butter, and carbs. I just simply didn't plan ahead. The gratuitous drive thru shake shortly before getting home was...me just being bad. Because once you are on the sugar roller coaster it is hard to get off. And I wasn't even trying, My stomach was so sick I was wanting something to soothe it.

So: Eat less crap, feel better. Eat cleaner, feel better. Eat moderate amounts, feel better. Etc etc.

I do feel a bit more human after a bath.
 
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Cate said:
That sugar roller coaster is horrible. Hope you can get off it & have a clean day.
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Indeed. I have an early (10A) PT appointment this morning and I hope that will be a grounding start to the day and the week.

My head is not in a great place right now. Mostly a sense that it is all slipping away. Let's see if I can turn it around and focus on being health, being present and self care.
 
Accountability

B: -
L: DD BECBagel= 520 [31% fat, 51% carbs, 18% protein]
D: Greens/SRest/.5Avoc (200) + tort (70) + Chicken/peppers/evoo (300) = 567
Snack: 428
IN: 1515
OUT: PT (100), DW (60) = 155
NET: 1360

W: 172.8

AM: M/S.Z.T
PM: M/S.B.P.NG

Lifey Bits:
Much needed rain, steady, gentle. If there were TStorms overnight I did not hear them. Looking forward to cooler wx tomorrow, Hike + Hill planned

Different PT today, I liked him and am considering switching providers. Just switching things up was fun and he adapted quickly when needed to dumb down a few exercises when I was not at that level. I can't worry about hurting my regular provider's feelings, though it does feel like it might get awkward using the shared space.
 
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Quickie since am late to head for hike.
Started using food tracking app yest as doc was asking about macros.
Had another rough day 10A yest at PT with lots of sweat/heat/nausea
Last night upper thighs were doing that achey thing in my sleep and I had loose bike shorts on to bed. Related?

Ok gotta run. Was supposed to be out door 6:45 and instead I am still in matcha phase in my sleepwear.
 
Using an app to track details/macros.
IN: 1881
OUT: 607
NET: 1274

AM: M/S,T (no Z)
PM: M/S,B,NG

Lifey Bits:
5M preserve hike incldg 3 trips up big hill 👍
Picked up camp chairs from G (fundraiser)
Pancakes 😀
1.5M dog walk H park and river
Wx was humid AM but turned nice finally. Windows open. AC white noise off. ❤️
Struggling w contacts; glare, dry, strength
Skin issue only two new dots today (one on each foot)
Watching Hoarders. Always thought provoking.
 
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