Fiera's Diary

Llama

Well-known member
Sounds like you're taking a lot of steps in the right direction, even if you're not all the way there yet. (Who is?) Take it easy with the walks if they're so hard on your legs/feet: sometimes a lot of short walks are better than a couple of long ones.
 

Fiera

Active member
Hi LaMa. Thank you for that. I am taking some steps and I will stop and recognize that. I am still wrestling with the resentments that I can't just do what I want to do and have the life that I would like.

I started looking at couch to 5K programs this morning, After 4PT sessions the doc told me yesterday that I was ready to go ahead and start doing walk-jogging and build up. An 8 or 9 week program will align well with my goals.

The reason I mention this is because one site had a fabulous little discussion about couch to 5K NOT helping you lose weight unless you fix your diet. "You can't outrun your fork." I taped that quote on the refrigerator.

I have enough experience that I am pretty good at estimating calories in most things. Over and over again, it is a matter of allowing the game plan to go out the window once the compulsion/craving starts. If I have one skill I need to develop, one thing which will benefit me the most, it would be learning to walk away from that craving. Or live within it without acting. Stop. Pause. Distract. Meditate.

And become acutely aware of what leads up to it. Is it a lack of calories over in the day? Timing of eating? Size of meals? Carbs? Emotional triggers? Inactivity/couch time in the evening (tiredness)?

If this is not the textbook behavior of an addict (throwing consequences out the window) I don't know what is. Maybe it would helo to get into a support group or at least get an accountability buddy/plan.
 

Fiera

Active member
Oh. I saw the regular eye doc (not opthamologist) yesterday. First time with this woman, she is in another room at the same clinic the other doc used to be in. According to the test results both of my eyes have gotten worse by 0.75 since August (9 months)!? My vision was quite stable for many years. Then last August the former doc told me both eyes had improved by 0.5 yet I never really could see very crisply. Now with the updated script I can see middle and longer distance like a hawk but anything up close is blurry, important things like my dog or using a knife in the kitchen....not just reading, but everything. So, I don't know about staying with this script. She also said that I have some scars on my cornea which no one has ever mentioned before, and she said that the trouble in the movie theater and worsening halos may have been due to the blurry prescription. And "baby cataracts". I am still having difficulty with light sensitivity/glare filtering in. She recommended an OTC drop which is supposed to help my severely dry eyes. Will see what opthamologist says next week. But I do feel like this woman was competent, and Iike being able to see something/anything with clarity. I just wonder how this impacts my safety doing things like hiking where I might not be able to wear cheaters.
 

Llama

Well-known member
Definitely sounds like the other doctor had an off day when you saw him... That sucks. Glad you may have solved it now, though.
 

Fiera

Active member
Life is treating me pretty well right now. I feel very fortunate and uplifted.

First, there has been an improvement in the weather. Today was clear and sunny and not too warm.

Second, I went to watch baseball last night and could actually see the action on the field better than I have in a long time (distance prescription). I can see the names on street signs again.

Third, the new eye doc gave me some more trial pairs so I can try one eye for distance and the other for up close. It takes the brain a while to adjust and see if this is really the best solution but given that I like to be active and cheaters are not always practical, perhaps this will work. Will have to see if I can tie a fish hook but may still need cheaters for that. The eye drops are nice. They can't do anything about the glare at this point.

Fourth, I am getting my plans mapped out with lots of fun things to do over the coming weeks and months. Things I want to do not things that I have to do. There is still plenty of time to fill in the must-do's but especially for summer, after two years of pandemic, it is so good to be doing street tests and baseball and outdoorsy things.

Fifth, after 4 sessions I am seeing good results from PT. Today I was able to jog a little with KDog and bend my knees a little without feeling like I was going to blow something out. I was feeling good and KDog seemed happy too.

Sixth, I am making progress on making healthier food choices. Imperfect for sure. I am still having evening blowouts. Most common scenario is around 9-10PM. At least it is moderately healthy foods and not usually something sugary.

Seventh, I was able to stay awake until after midnight and sleep in (with small break) until 8:30 today. Vacation hours! 😀

I am sure there is more but I am sleepy now.
 

Cate

Long-term member.
That all sounds really good. I must get tested for new glasses again very soon, after having cataracts removed from both eyes recently. I'll ring & make an appointment today. Thanks for the reminder :)
 

Llama

Well-known member
Sounds great. Really curious to hear how you get on with one eye for distance and ond eye up close.
 

Fiera

Active member
Today has been strange, I stayed awake until midnight again but then had a donut hole from 4-6 and ended up waking up at 9. Considering I had therapy at 10 and PT at 12:15 it wasn't my full morning routine. Weather is still mild and sunny and that makes me happy. Curly Bubbly had taken last week off and it seems like ages ago that we last spoke. I was still getting pants on and grabbing coffee while logging in so I didn't really prepare much in the way on advance thoughts/topics, and I started off feeling sociable and she shared a personal tidbit. I told her the results of the ADHD test (resoundingly not); she asked how I felt about that and I said fine, I really didn't have any expectation for the test, She brought up again another idea she has been playing with; we talked a bit about memory and learning styles but also how having other things going on in a situation can distract you from gathering and retaining information. About how I always was a note taker until in certain situations at work I wasn't able to do that - it wasn't necessarily that I would look at those notes again, though it was nice to have them just in case - but part of the writing down was my process of absorbing information. Also how everything going electronic has really been hard for me; I always read and absorb information better with a pencil in my hand, working or editing from a hard copy. And situationally, things like eyesight and lighting and not having a fully functional computer workspace set up are all subtly contributing to make things harder.

Beyond that though, there is a challenge moving things into long term memory. I can watch a movie and know it was a good movie (feeling) without remembering much detail unless I have watched it over and over again. Part of that is the aphantasia. But what else? Is my mind not wholly focused on the task at hand? If that is not Add then what is it? I can recognize familiarity but not recall.

Yet interestingly we got on the topic of music again, At first I was thinking that I lost music when L was out of my life, After all he was a key way in why I acquired new music, and I disconnected the satellite tv and radio which had provided some routine exposure to new music, I stopped buying music also when Apple stopped supporting ITunes for PC, which is how I was backing up and copying to my IPod. So I didn't keep up with technology. In the course of talking I had some hard
-hitting moments, recollections about certain songs and albums, and how music evokes such deeply felt feelings (did, and apparently does). Just like that concert a few weeks back surprised me with a connection to early teen life before things became heavy....recalling the D (P) and N (TB) albums and also Jason made me realize that I did't lose it after L after all. It was a few years later. After I stopped taking guitar and stopped hanging with AN and stopped going out and stopped drinking and just STOPPED. Because I don't know, depression? Yah. That stupid job too. I would have to go back and look but I think that the last year of all that was 2014 or 2015. So yeah. Wow.

And in looking back, just so briefly, the grief came up, so hard, I could not speak for a minute. A couple of times, I finally told her about the incident with my old therapist, how after such a long period of being emotionally shut down, I was trying to describe an emotional breakthrough I had experienced after finding myself on the same trail Iused to bike with L when we first started dating, And the old therapist exasperatedly asked me why I was bringing up something we had already talked about. She didn't get me and what felt so important about actually accessing my real feelings again after being so shut down. It felt important to ME.

Anyway because nowadays any time I recall the best of my marriage I feel sad for a number of reasons. He was my best friend and you know how you remember all the little quirks?I don't think the grieving started until he died and all the walls I had put up came crashing down. I think I had been surviving by compartmentalizing, or burying a lot of things. It feels good that this stuff came out today because it clearly hasn't gone away. The deeply felt ones take a long long time,

It was about 10 years before I felt that I could be in the same room with CMG (thankfully I have never had to).And even now, TB or W or Jason would still have that effect on me; being around Pitch a few times has been difficult and not entirely successful.

I was a bit of a mess on the way to PT, breaking into a tears a few times. But I knew that once I got there the focus and effort required would put everything else out of my mind. And it did. In the course of the session the doc and other doc were bantering about going out for lunch on Fridays and that X&X was a good place. I chimed in that "back in the day" we used to go there after clubbing (it was open 24 hours) and I wondered whether the owners were still the same. No feelings evoked, no details, I was doing clamshells at the time. Forgot about it. By sheer coincidence the way I headed home took me past X&X and stopped me across the street at a stoplight. I decided to grab a photo and then continued up the street. At the next light, I suddenly recalled that L used to order the tuna club - "white bread (do not toast)" but instead of a tuna club he called it a "blah blah". He was like that, humorous and quirky. And that memory hit me like a brick. And I missed him. And I guess I always will.

I broke into tears at least 3 times typing all that.

But. I will also pull back and say:
I am pretty sure I am PMS
My sleep was off
I hadn't had anything to eat (and I am still on low side of calories)

So it may be that I was going to have an emotional day today regardless and it isn't all a result of the session this morning.

Well. This post may not have any value in posterity, but somehow it felt like I needed to write it down. I do feel better now.
 

Llama

Well-known member
Well. This post may not have any value in posterity, but somehow it felt like I needed to write it down. I do feel better now.
Not everything has to be of monumental, long-term importance. The now matters.
I broke into tears at least 3 times typing all that.

But. I will also pull back and say:
I am pretty sure I am PMS
My sleep was off
I hadn't had anything to eat (and I am still on low side of calories)
And regardless of those things you were also reminded of things you enjoyed and you no longer have access to. Grief is allowed, and probably necessary and healthy.
 

Fiera

Active member
Hey LaMa. I really appreciate your comments.

Happily I report that I selected and started a C25K. I am taking it really slow, as my knees are really not happy about my weight and I have a lot of strengthening/PT to do to reduce risk of injury. Still walking a lot. Still fighting to not snack (much) in the evenings and negate my efforts. So weight (scale) isn't moving much. But things like foam rolling and planks are getting a tad easier.

I am so busy right now. Window install called off today due to rain. Various doc appointments. 2 trips to Dad's coming up in the next week. Cannot believe we are into June. I feel a bit like the runner who is still in the starting blocks. Worked 5 hours on property tax appeal today. Doing a bit better on things like sleeping IN the bed (where I am presently) and wearing my night guard. Still do not have roof rack on car and kayak stuff ready to go. Too. Many. Interests.

I wish I could say that wearing the far - and - near contacts was a great solution. I find it is tiring for me especially when I need to do up close and computer work. There are some new drops out which are supposed to help so I will ask about those.
 

Llama

Well-known member
I think it would make sense two wear both short-distance ones for up-close work. Looking at a screen with just one eye is super strenuous, no matter what eye drops you wear. I have some patients with little to no functionality in one eye and their doctors always advise to avoid screen work as much as possible or to keep it short.
 

Fiera

Active member
Busy busy, so busy. But good.

Opthamologist says we first need to treat "corneal scarring" with some drops, Start those today, it took the pharmacy a couple of days to get them.

Went to my Dad's overnight Weds night. Windows installer for attic came Weds so missed AM run/walk; was able to get that in yest AM. 2 hours with guru doc talking through various topics; biggest one "shocking" system so it burns fat as well as carbs; ways to do this fasting, ketosis, etc. A 5 day reset seems too difficult; being hangry and trying to do workouts with no fuel seems like it will harm my motivation and momentum right now. I did embrace more the idea of 5/2 where 5 are moderate days and 2 are max 750IN days. I have had success with 16-18 hour fast if I stop eating at 6P and resume then next day at 10/Noon. I do need to be able to have my matcha and coffee though so I have asked about those.

I just weighed and the needle is MOVING again. Directional only, but nice to see. I can see less bulging in my thighs and it is also nice to see some definition in my calf muscles. Progress is slow because I am busy and tired and not putting in much of the PT type work outside of the studio...but what I *am* doing is noticeable. Plus muscle weighs more that fat so even though the scale won't reflect that, my body does.

Group hike scheduled for tomorrow, but drive is a ways out and I leave for my Dad's around 12 so I may just run/walk the C25K plan closer to home. Between the drive and group socialization time I would lose almost 2 hours.

I hope that I hear back soon from plumber as kitchen sink is out of commission. It needs a new divertor but (I found out the hard way) that the faucet needs to be removed entirely to access where the part goes (because the spout screws on and I have a wall there).

Curly Bubbly then PT this morning. I don't really like them stacked back to back like that because I don't get enough processing time. but from a scheduling standpoint it makes the most sense right now. I will take advantage of the location to hit up a particular store with goodies for the bbq tomorrow.

Going to knock off here as I have TONs of things I need to be doing.

Have a great weekend! :)

Fiera, the Fat Vanquisher (ha)
 

Fiera

Active member
Yes! Kept on track with PT yest and C25K workout today (1m KDog + 3R3WX4 + 1W) plus stretching up front. C25K I realized is for sedentary people and not necessarily sedentary 40-lb overweight people, so I am going to just use it as a guide and listen to my body.

After fasting 18 hours yesterday I managed to keep cals low during 6 hour feeding window (700), which felt too low. I found myself looking for a healthy snack around 6:30 when I stopped at the drug store on my way to women's club. There of course wasn't much. A kind bar? Pretzel thins? Animal crackers? Shortbread cookies.. I ended up getting those flat little sugar cookies that you serve with coffee. Dumb choice for sure. I did manage to eat only 300 cals worth and leave the rest to others. But later I was still hungry and ended up having chocolate, almonds and cranberries before finally giving in and having a steak burrito. I probably had about 1800IN overall for the day, which was probably around maintenance for a day in which I had PT, but it was just sort of silly. Oh well. The overall trend is much healthier in any event.

My tooth is bothering me more. I suspect I will need an XRay when I see dentist on Tues.

Plumber came during CB yesterday so only had a short session. Realized partly so busy and disorganized is because I am people pleasing again. Also I need to get my printer set up in a different place or networked.

Pretty sure I have more but I have to get in shower and pack. Proggy will be here in 30 and then we prep food and drive out to my Dads for BBQ and to watch hockey finals.
 

Fiera

Active member
Home from Dad's. It was a nice ideato go bbq out there but it was really just too much work. Proggy made marinades and did grilling, I prepped chicken and shrimp and made salads and side dishes and brought beer and made up an overnight kit for him as well as myself and KDog. Plus spent a lot of time wrestling with a propane tank for the grill. Walking the dog etc. I really didn't socialize much or sit down much until it was time to go to bed. Then repack everything and head home today. He is tired, I am tired, KDog is tired. I am worn out. Going to spend the rest of the day resting and organizing a few bills/bank things and wake up early tomorrow to tackle my property tax appeal.

I don't know why I am feeling frustrated that the scale isn't moving more quickly. I think because of the work I am putting in at PT and C25K that magically I should be rewarded, Yet, as it says right on my fridge, you can't outrun your fork. At least I am becoming more aware of the mental cheats I take to rationalize eating and I am making some better decisions and saying no sometimes to offered treats or temptations.

I think part of the frustration is entirely unrelated, and has more to do with all the doctors stuff, dental stuff, eye stuff, therapy etc, recurrent piercing infections, gyne stuff and fibroids blah blah blah. Noise from the hiking group which is drama I don't want or needs. Just a lot of infrastructure starting to crumble on this 53 yo bod. The bod on top of the crumbling house. It is all very time consuming and expensive. My to do list keeps getting longer and not enough is getting done. And some of that is "fun" stuff like trips or camping etc. or spending time with friends. I don't mean to complain, I feel very blessed...I just wish I could experience being free from the "musts" for a little while. I don't feel retired at all and maybe I just need to simplify somehow.

I haven't been happy since I started allowing all these musts in my life. Maybe some of them need the old heave ho.
 

Llama

Well-known member
At least I am becoming more aware of the mental cheats I take to rationalize eating and I am making some better decisions and saying no sometimes to offered treats or temptations.
Being aware is a good step. Can't change what you don't recognize.
I haven't been happy since I started allowing all these musts in my life. Maybe some of them need the old heave ho.
Same with that, probably. You're the only one who can decide which are the truly important ones.
 

Fiera

Active member
Indeed and yet reflective time seems so elusive. My mind is not as nimble as it once was, and switching gears and multitasking are clunkier. Having had a sharp mind most of my life it is disconcerting, Sometimes I wonder if my mind hasn't failed so much as it is a defense mechanism against overwhelm. Like I should be trying to understand what is going on with the economy and make plans - for investing, for getting a job, for taking a low interest loan. Instead I am just very one-thing-at-a-time, and focused on tasks which don't require much thinking (PT or dropping off library books, simple errands).

Can't remember if I wrote about this but last time with CB (a few weeks ago) I was talking about how as you age, it seems like there is more stuff to try to remember, more people you accumulate, more things you ought to know, along with new things you want to try. Since my memory is not so good, maybe I spend a disproportionate amount of mental energy, subconsciously, trying to keep it all. Just like clutter in the house, right? You want a chance to decide on each and everything whether to keep or toss it, or see which memeories it sparks. But in the end, no one cares about my memories or my life history except for me. It isn't like I am an explorer or astronaut whose life story might be of public interest. I am no one. I might have been someone but ultimately I became no one. Not a mom or a grandma or even an aunt.

I used to believe that eventually I would find myself a position, voluntering, non-profit, or part time gig in which I might eventually rise to become someone again. But either I am different, or the world is different now. Not being able to wear contacts at present is cumbersome and limiting. Why can't I seem to just get up and do the things that need to be done every day to get myself to a point where I can just say eff it, I am going to Oregon (Utah, Az, CA etc) for a few days. Or Ireland or Canada...

Again, I come back to people pleasing. Proggy, My dad and his GF. And the guilt I carry around for now going to see or call other people (aunt, cousins, other friends).

Well, I guess this is one place where I can do a bit more reflecting.

At least I got my property tax appeal submitted yesterday. I was disappointed but not surprised to look at it later and see that last minute edits contained typos. My work used to be impeccable. Another reminder to move my printer to where it is always accessible.
 

Llama

Well-known member
Most people never become anything grand. Doesn't mean what we did didn't matter. Writing things down when you don't want to forget them could be a good way to not have them occupy space in your head anymore. But of course that's like making photo albums: you have to have the time and mental energy to actually sit down and do it
 

overlandflyer

Well-known member
... I am no one. ...
it was about 60 years ago now, but i can still remember the day my dad took me out into the street and in about 5 minutes of running along side me holding the back of my bicycle seat, taught me to ride. a few decades ago i was visiting a friend and ran into her neighbor who had three young boys. the youngest still had training wheels on his bike, so after i talked him into it, i used the same method my dad used to teach me and the last i saw of that kid he was smiling and riding off into the distance.

few will ever be involved in world changing events, but whether or not you realize it, sometimes even the smallest gestures make a lasting mark and are fondly remembered.
 
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Fiera

Active member
Yes, perhaps I got it wrong, or just didn't think it all the way through. I guess though that the main point is that all these little details I try to remember about life...which feel so important....are they really serving me or are they getting in the way of what might still be? We only have so much..."life energy"...in a day. If I take up 30% daily trying to "hang on" to my life history, keeping and storing prompts, that is OK if that is what I want, but I have to acknowledge that only 70% of me is available to live my best life now. I think what I was trying to say is....if the only purpose in hanging on to these memories and prompts is to help ME remember in my old age because no one else will really be interested...then my life purpose largely becomes about preventing forgetting. I love my life, but I want to stare deeply into the mirror and ask myself "you have limited time left on this planet. why don't you focus on making your life meaningful every beautiful day"?

I watched a few episodes of Hoarders last night. The relief a lot of people experience when released from all the physical manifestations around them is palpable. They are stuck in trauma and grief. Maybe *I* am still stuck in trauma and grief. I don't know. The photo's journals, and certain objects are, for me, memory prompts. A cassette tape is just as useful a trigger as a photo. I cannot explain why.

It is true that finally some of the older items seem less relevant with time. The Lilliput Lane cottage TH sent me from England. The letters. It isn't like I look at them. But there is a curiosity about them as well which is archival and historical. The insights to my youngish love life. The trip I took to visit. The train ride from London to the country. The NIN concert in London. Camden market. His roommate and his wife, their landlord who bred show dogs, the wife backing into a parked car, knocking on doors to find the owner, the day trip to Ipswich, my first tattoo, etc etc. I still have a lot of details I guess, after all, of that trip. But less so of the little daily life stuff. Funny the more I sit with it, the more I can come up with. Haven't thought in a long time about the trip to his home state where TH ended it for good. My grief ran so deep. Current me wonders why. But coming home to a beautiful bouquet of red roses from the man who would become my husband. Which reminds me that at that time I was still living at family home #2 in the hometown and hadn't yet moved to the lake.

Clearly, I actually do really love being able to recollect my life. I guess it doesn't matter whether any one else ever knows or wants to know. *I* want to know. I guess because my life used to actually be quite interesting and fun. Somehow I lost it. Maybe I just want/need to hang on to that belief that I am capable of manifestation.

I no longer need little girl dance trophies or band medals. A photo will suffice. I guess that is how it works for me. I will give myself credit for thinning things out and I will keep working on it. Collars/tags of former dogs = keep. DVD's, books, and college papers, mostly not.
 
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