Fiera's Diary

Cate

Long-term member.
I admire your determination to get things fixed & I think you're doing a great job. Good luck with the plumber. 🤞
 

Fiera

Active member
Jubilation! That is how I feel this morning with the sun FINALLY shining brightly. The headlines were saying that we had had sun only once in 43 days. Suddenly things seem to make a lot more sense. SAD has been in effect, in addition to having had the flu. The hyper sleep, the difficulty concentrating, the disinterest and lack of energy...those are certainly symptoms. All I know is I hit the ground running today. I cleaned up the kitchen, did some laundry, and was happy to receive an invite for a walk from SB. We walked from my house since I have a 100 pound toilet sitting in the back of my SUV waiting for the plumber. KDog was psyched and ready to go too. We did 3 miles, from my house north, and could see the swollen river sprawled out amongst the trees from all the rain. Longest walk in quite some time, KDog did admirably though she was certainly out of gas - and possibly having some back pain - by the time we got back home.

I considered going fishing - it was a nice idea, knowing I could take my 2PM call with my alt medicine guru doc via video from the preserve - however the cold brisk wind would likely make that uncomfortable and a bit noisy. So tabling that idea for now. There are a couple of nice days ahead early next week but that overlaps with the next 3 day visit with Dad, so will just take things as they come.

Not much else to report. Proggy seemed put out that after he called me fairly late last night (8) that I didn't call him back for an hour. I just didn't really feel like spending much time on the phone. I had caught up with S for nearly 3 hours earlier in the day, as it has been a few weeks since we have talked. He also seemed to be pressing to spend time together this weekend even though I have to go out to my Dad's on Sunday morning. I sense that he is trying to hang on to the relationship rather than letting it evolve to something more along the line of just friends. No doubt we still enjoy each other's company. As long as I can get my mind clear and start planning some things that *I* would like to do for myself, then it is all good.

Some of the logistical limitations I am experiencing, some of which I don't even have clear insights on, are certainly not his fault. I feel locked up when it comes to planning travel. When I travelled for work there was a bit of an external driver to lock in some dates and locations. Now that the world is my oyster it is almost overwhelming to pick. Coupled with the fact that my fitness level is so bad that I am a bit iffy about hiking or kayaking and not being able to "keep up"...but I just need to try to get into some group outings for beginners and I will have a goal and a purpose. This will no doubt be a topic of conversation with guru-doc today - setting some goals.

Think I will get the calendar out and spend some time sketching ideas.
 

Fiera

Active member
I think I am going to go see S for 5-6 days if it will work for her. We can go camping and hiking, and hopefully get to at least hike in one of the National Parks. If it not good timing then I will see about later in the summer. I feel like KDog is at least stable enough for the time being and dad as well. And the house is...well...not going to go anywhere.

Also I found a condo I will go look at Saturday. It is too far off the highway to be a serious consideration but I do like the feel of single story living in a rehabbed 3-flat with a communal backyard.
 

Cate

Long-term member.
Jubilation! That is how I feel this morning with the sun FINALLY shining brightly. The headlines were saying that we had had sun only once in 43 days. Suddenly things seem to make a lot more sense. SAD has been in effect, in addition to having had the flu. The hyper sleep, the difficulty concentrating, the disinterest and lack of energy...those are certainly symptoms.
That sure would do it for me too.
Good to see you feeling some zest for life. Soak up the sunshine :)
 

Fiera

Active member
Had a really great talk with Guru Doc. He is so awesome. I am glad that I forked over the $ to join his annual subscription program. We get 90 minute appointments! Time enough to do a "deep dive"

Going to keep on with the hormones at current levels and draw blood in a couple of weeks. As far as weight loss, he believes in a jump start and believes that it is possible for me to drop up to 20 pounds in a month. The reasoning here is that it can build momentum and see results quickly and that is important for someone like me who is struggling with motivation and mental aspects of weight loss. I talked about not having clothes to wear and not wanting to spend money on larger sizes, yet having nothing suitable to wear and not wanting to been seen in this condition has me avoiding people and events. In my own mind losing 10 fast is doable and will make a huge difference - anything beyond that by the end of May is gravy.

So, since I estimate I am at 177, by the end of May I would be 167 or lower. Exiting clothes will fit better and I could justify buying some much needed new items for summer hiking.

We talked at length about my food cravings or "compulsion" as I call it. It is not an issue with being hungry or satiety. It is this carnal impulse which is similar to an alcohol or cigarette craving. It is worse when I am bored or anxious and most often occurs in the evenings. He is going to try having me take inositol with my PM supplements, which should help with insulin resistance and anxiety.

I am going to try B-12 injections instead of capsules, and this other self administered drug which I forget but you take it twice a week with a tiny needle stick in your tummy. I think that one he was going to see what the insurance will pay before we commit, Ozempic perhaps.

On the fitness front, some goals are forming. By the end of the month I want to complete a six mile hike. I am going to PT for some preventive visits on my knees and hip flexors as I restart trying to do more hiking involving non-flat terrain. By early September I want to go to a national park hike he is organizing, It IS possible.

1100-1200 NET calories is a good target. If I wanted to jump start hard he talked about 750-1000 IN 5-day program which I will look at. He says you will be tired and it is very hard. Or IF. He says is you IF you should exercise during the time you are not eating which helps burn fat even better. Lots of great ideas. Also talking about how having Proggys snack food out of the house is helping, and how the sunshine is helping and will allow me to get out camping and hiking etc.

I am encouraged. I feel more clear. I want to free myself from this prison of fat. It is a physical prison and a mental prison and I am ready to get back to being myself and LIVING my life again.
 

Fiera

Active member
B: Low-fat Yogurt w museli topping (100+20)=120
L: Chicken tacos: peppers, chicken, sour cream, chihuahua cheese, tortillas 650
D: Egg salad w 2 smallish rye bread, apple 580

In 1350
Out 3W -240
Net: 1110

Gah. I have forgotten how many calories are in some things. Going to read labels.

Ok. If I can "stick the landing" then it will be one in a row!
 
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Fiera

Active member
Oh, I also mentioned how tight I am and casually said "I should be doing yoga". To which he said "yoga would help, sure, but it's another commitment." Instantly I was like "yeah, no." For one thing there isn't a decent yogo studio close by (that I am aware of). What I like about that exchange was he called out my bs thinking with practicality. If I am not going to commit to it, then don't feel like it is one more thing I *should be doing*, which is how I end up focusing on my failings instead of celebrating my accomplishments. I simply can't do it all, certainly not all at once, And since I know that I want to hike and even get back to a bit of jogging, and camping and kayaking, well that would be more than enough activity, along with the "preventive PT".

Please sun, stick around, I like what you do to me.

And thanks Cate and LaMa for your support!
 

Llama

Well-known member
What I like about that exchange was he called out my bs thinking with practicality. If I am not going to commit to it, then don't feel like it is one more thing I *should be doing*, which is how I end up focusing on my failings instead of celebrating my accomplishments. I simply can't do it all, certainly not all at once, And since I know that I want to hike and even get back to a bit of jogging, and camping and kayaking, well that would be more than enough activity, along with the "preventive PT".
I need to take that to heart. As long as I focus on the things I want to do/achieve I'll be a lot less likely to binge and the occasional larger meal won't matter.
 

Fiera

Active member
Wow. I ended up having the worst binge evening. I was feeling restless around 6, shortly after dinner and my post. I fought it off for 2 hours. I went to go to the store to get out of the house but when KDog and I got the car and the toilet was still in the SUV I turned around and went back inside. I was talking aimlessly with Proggy, not that it has anything to do with the conversation...but maybe the distraction helped me to not think about what I was doing, I am not clear on whether it could have been the exercise, or the excitement of the day - maybe my Net calorie intake was less than 1100...but once I started eating I wasn't stopping. I think there were 5 trips to the kitchen? 2 more chicken-pepper tacos. Hummus and multigrain crisps. Granola square bar. Small # of almonds. Flake cereal with milk and raw sugar was the capper.

None of this is from an empty tummy rumbling. It's all from my brain and my upper body. It has to be from chemistry or from the brain's reward center or addiction or something. Withdrawal? It is so compelling. Doc has suggested a supplement called inositol for the evenings, It's unreal how I just go numb and tune out the voice which tells me to care, to stop, that I have goals and a plan. It is like a giant pillow is snuffing that voice out while it is happening.
 

Llama

Well-known member
Withdrawal is possible but it's very early for that. My money would be on subconscious stress from knowing you're about to restrict heavily for a month.
 

Cate

Long-term member.
Is there something you can do in the evenings that would distract you & deter you from binging? Is it safe to walk where you are? I am coming into a period where I will be tempted to maybe not binge but eat things I shouldn't as G will be out every Tuesday night, playing pool. He is such a healthy eater & I don't snack when he's home, but when he's out, especially at night, a little voice sends me to the pantry searching. I need to find a Tuesday night plan that will stop me.
It's unreal how I just go numb and tune out the voice which tells me to care, to stop, that I have goals and a plan.
I am going to think of you & this when next Tuesday comes around. I am going to ignore that voice that tries sending me to the pantry. We deserve better than that.
I might try doing some Tai Chi or fish out my barbie weights & do some exercise instead.
 

Fiera

Active member
Withdrawal is possible but it's very early for that. My money would be on subconscious stress from knowing you're about to restrict heavily for a month.
I do think my anxiety level was up. It is up again today as well. Reflecting, I missed several doses of meds/supplements for a few days before this then got back on track. I was of course super stimulated by the sunshine and maybe that created some dysregulation of some of my hormones. Like how your hair sprouts 1/4 inch overnight when you get a healthy dose of sun after a period of dormancy. Sunshine effect is real.
I am going to think of you & this when next Tuesday comes around. I am going to ignore that voice that tries sending me to the pantry. We deserve better than that.
I might try doing some Tai Chi or fish out my barbie weights & do some exercise instead.
Great. Having awareness and a plan is great! I remember learning that going out to eat didn't have to be a big deal if I planned ahead what I was going to order and how much of it to eat (taking the rest home as leftovers). If I just left it up to my choices poring over the menu at the restaurant, the wheels could easily come off. You can do it Cate!
 
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Fiera

Active member
Yah, it's raining again. It was grey all day but the rain held off until 2P so I got 3 miles of walking in while my car was getting an oil change. Go me! I also used the walk time to catch up with CC. I owe her another visit but it is a big time commitment in part due to the drive. And so many other things going on, like going out to me dad for 3 days. I do need to try to do it next week. She is asking for my help cleaning up her place.

So it was a super busy, expensive and mostly productive day. I like that I got a lot done. Had the oil change, and dug into my complaint about oil consumption and it turns out there is a leaky gasket. At least I know what is going on even though I do not like the fact that the last dealer could have looked at it my closely before the warranty expired and decided not to. That is about $700. Looked at a new SUV at the dealer. The new toilet is installed in my basement. There was a leak, but it turns out it was not the seal but rather an uncommon leak in a pipe. I never could have fixed it myself. My anxiety was going off the charts as I heard all these noises coming from the basement, even though I knew that I was in competent hands. Anyway that project over and done now, but the room needs some paint cover the place the wall mounted tank used to be. Not urgent. There was the walk and talk. The new landscaper came for the first time (I had been about to chase them and find out what was going on). after the plumber left KDog and I ran some errands. I got a ticket for the Abba movie next Thurs (had to go to box office to try to redeem an old re-admit pass). Returned all the socks since the first pair didn't work out (fabric pilled) and got over $100 refunded back on my charge card. Went to C----- and got these shrimp wonton noodle bowls which Proggy and I love. Texted greetings to Saylor, who will not be joining me in the cold rain at the ball game tomorrow. Checked on script status (but not going to store tonight, wiped out). Talked to Dad for about 25 mins in traffic and Proggy when I got home. Finally it is time to have a nice soak in the tub (the new orthotics are making me gently hurt all over) and then watch a movie. KDog is snoozing so nicely.

I do like that contented feeling of productive accomplishment. 🙂

Calories so far:
B: Egg (70) thin rye w btr (150), 1/2 banana (50) = 270
L: Naan (250) 2 hot dogs (220) ketchup (30) = 500
IN: 770
OUT: 3W (240) + misc household activity (60) = 300
NET: 470

Right now I don't feel like eating. It is nearly 8PM. I feel it is likely at this stage if I start eating dinner I could end up in a binge. So I will take a bath and brush my teeth and put my night guard in and take my progesterone. Maybe I can fall asleep before the hunger catches up with me.
 

Fiera

Active member
Well I did all the right things last night but that was a pretty low deficit. Was freshly out of the bath with my teeth brushed and my night guard in and progesterone applied. I ended up making popcorn, which was in the cabinet with the peanut butter, and added a few animal crackers, Probably 800 calories. Of course that is still a net of 1270 so lower than maintenance.

This morning I made fresh spinach sauteed in EVOO (120), egg (70), yogurt w a little museli (120) = 310.

Baseball game should be cancelled but hasn't been. Probably because there have already been a few cancellations this season. I will have a hot dog and an NA beer and some peanuts. Thinking ahead then to dinner - turkey burger patty on a bed of organic spring mix sounds like a plan. I had planned to take a combination of foot power and public transit. I need to think whether I have footwear other than wellies that can protect my feet out in the rain all day. I don't think I have anything else waterproof.

There used to be an area Sears store where I could get stuff like boots in a jiffy. Not sure where I would go now. Not really keen on spending $ on it. Perhaps I will do the old "wear plastic bags on your feet inside your shoes" like a schoolgirl. 😆 Or maybe just the wellies with orthotics inside. And a beautiful plastic poncho. 😆 Oh why don't they just reschedule the game? There is a concertI would love to go to tonight and I can't do both.
 

Fiera

Active member
I don't claim to have any influence over the weather gods or baseball games, but the universe has certainly organized itself in a way which is highly satisfactory to me, Baseball is postponed. Concert ticket acquired and Proggy was OK to delay his arrival until tomorrow morning. Trying to resell ticket to rescheduled game as Proggy doesn't care to go until we have warmer weather and TBH that is how I am feeling about it right now as well.

I am having what I had planned for dinner for lunch instead. Turkey burger fried with EVOO, (200) various greens and grape tomatoes (40) and ranch dressing (110) = 350. Yummy and healthy. It is definitely making a difference not having much in the way of junk foods and crackers etc in the house; when I think about what to make it is more about "how can I use up that salad before it goes bad?" Plus also things like frozen green beans and peppers are front and center when I open the fridge, Shifting over to protein and veggies and fewer carbs.

After lunch I need to get busy taking care of numerous errands and preparatory things before heading to my dad's Sunday morning. Not really all that hard but I do need to make some chicken breasts for KDogs meals and make a "to bring" list so I don't forget say meds or glasses or KDog's crate. Packing has always created anxious tension for me, because if you forget anything important you are screwed. If I start the list today then I won't be trying to do it while Proggy is here and I can just focus in having fun and being present.

I switched to contacts in anticipation of being out in the rain. I tried putting my old prescription of contacts in since I had a few leftovers and I struggle a bit to see clearly with them. I don't know if the dizzy lightheadness I feel is from switching to contacts, from the prescription strength, or for something completely different like spring allergies or meds or hormones kicking in.

KDog is petitioning for a walk but it is super windy and cold and wet even when not actively raining, Sorry girl. I realized she probably has SAD too right now. Curly Bubbly said something today about a light box, and I remembered that the last time my full spectrum bulb burned out I replaced it only with a standard as Spring was here. Not realizing of course that we were going to have a record setting spring in terms of grey and rainy days. So I am going to order that right now.
 

Llama

Well-known member
Packing has always created anxious tension for me, because if you forget anything important you are screwed. If I start the list today then I won't be trying to do it while Proggy is here and I can just focus in having fun and being present.
Same. I just keep my standard list in my phone now (with subheaders for specific trips) and even if I still run through my list three times before closing my bag it still reduces the anxiety.

Hope the new bulb will help!
 

Fiera

Active member
That is a good idea (list on phone). I used to have a to do list in Excel and on the 2nd tab I had a packing list for business trips when I travelled frequently. It makes sense to recreate something like that.

Well, I just got back from the O. show. It was so great. The crowd energy was so strong and the band was feeding off it and loving every minute. We were singing and dancing along in this beautiful intimate old theater venue. During the encore they played S----- which I have not heard or thought of in over 30 years. It was a favorite when I was 15ish, and I remember this new wave pal of mine used to sing along to it together in very teen new wavy girl fashion. I felt such an emotional swell as lyrics I didn't know were even still in my brain came pouring out of my memory banks and out of my mouth. I felt so connected to that girl, the real genuine me, before the *bad stuff* of adult life set in. Tears came up it was so profound a feeling of reaching back through time and being present all at once, I have been sitting with it and I don't want to lose it. It feels cathartic and good and something like love for that girl who is me, now, here, today.
 

Llama

Well-known member
What a beautiful experience! Music is kind of magical.
 
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