Fiera's Diary

Fiera

Active member
Your Larry sounds like the nasty (rather than careful) version of Bruno from the movie Luca:
I love it! I will have to watch that movie. Silencio Larry!

I did end up finding a good web page about the inner critic. It also put me in mind of some of the work and discussions I have had with my most recent ex. I called him and we had a nice chat which we both got something out of. I asked him if he could ever remember a time in his childhood when he didn't have the inner critic. In my case, I can, I do. I remember being a whole child. She was competitive and dominant, intelligent and creative, successful at just about everything she tried and didn't know any social fear. I don't want or desire to be that same girl I once was, to roll back the clock on life's wisdom. But I do think I can feel more grounded if I spend some time visiting with her, like an old friend. After all...she has known me all my life.
 

Llama

Well-known member
My oldest sister was watching tv with her (older teen) sons a while back and the inner critic came up. Turns out neither of them had one. Now that you mention it I don't think I had one when I was very young but definitely by my early teens. And I guess it had its uses: it made me socialize and adapt. But then it never stopped and it became a royal pain in the derrière.
 

Fiera

Active member
Thank you for sharing that LaMa. {{{LaMa}}} I don't feel like this is conceptually new to me but I think I had lost sight of it.
 

Fiera

Active member
173.2 this morning.

Picking up Pete's Walker's book on CPTSD in a few pages at a time (Proggy is visiting) So so right on topic. Silencing the Inner Critic and tools for managing flashback.

For the first time in at least two years I was able to participate, attend, and actually genuinely meditate with in my online group. It wasn't perfect or complete or whatever but I was able to momentarily experience an absence of the mind and body clenching and just be. It was so beautiful there in that serene, detached place for a few seconds. The situation with the neighbor kept intruding, as I would try to direct loving kindness and compassion toward them and end up getting lost in the river. But it is a good sign that I am hitting on some key areas right now.

S is supposed to arrive later and stay overnight and then I will drive her out to her dads in the morning. I am a bit jumbled as I thought she was talking about next Sunday, but will just let the flow happen. As long as I don't have to cook dinner.
 

Fiera

Active member
Grabbing a few minutes of rest. Cleaned guest room, Proggy left, then 2M dog walk/trot in woods, then groceries, then cook chicken breasts then finish picking up house. I am tired and S is still making her way here. It will be a super short visit tonight as we are both tired, so we will have coffee and brekkie in the AM and then she will be out of here. She is driving in rather than flying in after all. We talk regularly anyway but it is nice to get a few hours face to face. Maybe it will work out to see her on Weds on her way back out,

Time to go pour a bath and get dressed. KDog is napping so nicely after a good workout and dinner. Sound asleep. <3
 

Fiera

Active member
Had a bonus discussion with CB yesterday morning after S departed. Described the shift change once I took control of the steering wheel and forcefully told my inner critic Larry to sit in the passenger seat and "shut the F up" as AN suggested. Unfortunately she doesn't ascribe to some of the CPTSD principles Walker painstaking lays out...specifically dismissing emotional abandonment and citing physical trauma/sexual abuse as the kinds of trauma which are severely impactful. Walker specifically has a chapter devoted to this ("what if I was never hit")? So we may have arrived at a crossroads but I let it go so I could stay on track with my immediate need in the session, and come back to clarify her comments more directly next time. She also didn't seem to recall that there was zero discussion around emotions and therefore no vocabulary around feelings, and to this day I am slow to process and identify what emotion it is which has me stirred up. Therapists are human beings and progress is not linear, so we will see where this goes.

S came back late afternoon and we toured the pottery studio (my pieces are not ready yet), went the little asian restaurant (how nice to dine out again, in airy spaced out places), chatted for a few hours and had some more chat/matcha/brekkie this morning before she headed back out, Yesterday was productive. Switched insurance agents (terminating a default agent I never really liked); booked a podiatrist appoinment, spoke with my RE agent. Also spoke with a RE attorney about the house title to make sure there is no need to get a quit claim deed from the estate of my ex husband. Confirmed I do not and - bonus - got the consult for free!

Sun is out today and I am feeling some momentum overall. Excited to be getting out with KDog a bit later....and taking a day to regroup on the house projects. So glad it is only early March and there is plenty of year ahead to plan and grow and evolve. Weight was up a notch this morning to 174.1, it is probably fluid as I have been eating appropriate amounts of food and not overdoing it.

OK time to get my day going!
 

Llama

Well-known member
Whut? Of course emotional abandonment has long-term impact! It's good that you're so aware of your needs though.
 

Fiera

Active member
Wow what happened to a week?

I deliberately logged out of the site. Will see what happens but I started seeing a lot of uncomfortably targeted ads recently on a game app which I have since deleted on my phone. Quite possibly unrelated.

Weight fluctuating in 173-174 range. Too easy to go off the rails when Proggy is around, although we did have fun. Friday night Irish pub (Shepherd's Pie for me); Saturday St. Patty's celebration at Irish place, and a lateish run for Whitey's which is not what I really wanted. I don't feel my best when I don't eat well.

I am still continuing my rekindled love affair with yogurt now that Proggy has gone home for the week. I am happy with the new arrangement which gives me freedom all week long to do my own things without having to worry about making dinner, groceries, laundry, dishes, extra cleaning. It's like being on vacation. I feel more centered.

Today I have a meet and greet with my new insurance agent. I simply picked her out of a portfolio of agents based on some online research. I was never really happy with the former one and it will be good to get a fresh take on what kinds and how much coverage I need.

I have settled on the masonry contractor but there is some unsettled opinions of what to do about the concrete. The window restorer hasn't contacted me. I made a decision to hire a lawn maintenance firm this year. I did it all last year to save money - and it is a LOT of money - but it also is a constant time consuming chore for one single person to upkeep. I figure I will see how this year goes with inflation and costs and I might get a part-time job to buffer some of my budget increases. I am saving a lot of money on food since Proggy is not here so often.

Took a dog walk with SB yesterday. The weather is finally turning milder and it was sunny and around 60 degrees. KDog seemed tired from that but later in the day she wanted to go for another round and we went over to a different preserve and got another 1.5 miles. 3.5 total. Yay for me and yay for KDog, who is definitely an older senior girl now.

I also signed up for an ecology walk next week and may go on a 5-mile meetup hike tomorrow (bit of a long drive though so will see). Am becoming much more mindful about using gasoline in light of price hikes.

It is a release to be in a very low pandemic state and feel more at liberty to be out and about without masks on. I played it super safe and mindful of others for two years. Now we have dined out a few times and no longer wear masks in stores. We went to St Patty's celebration. SB is having a gathering on Sat eve. Of course if things ramp back up it will all come back. But psychologically the release is palpable.

I visited my friend I last week in her new living situation. It is a step up in her physical care but it is a small group setting and there seems to be very little mental stimulation. I hope to get out to see her more often, but it is a long drive and not something I envision I can do weekly. She doesn't seem to have a phone, I was not able to determine whether it was misplaced or it has been taken away from her. But she is very bored and lonely and and I hate to see her pain.

I guess that is all for now. I am going to make a mindful breakfast of eggs and spinach and a bit of leftover avocado. I hope to see the scale resume downward direction now that Proggy is not here for the week. It helps not having junk food here.
 

Fiera

Active member
Last night I went indiscriminately grazing for the first time in a while. I was late and only had one dose of med yesterday as well as missing once or twice in the preceding days. Will try to get back on track today as it does seem to make a difference.

Had trouble trying to jog yesterday. Legs felt very heavy and thick and I just couldn't really get them going in a way which didn't hurt my knees. Not sure whether it is just garden variety loss due to inactivity or whether something else like inflammation was at work, since I was not eating clean over the weekend. This morning brekkie was yougurt w museli, 1/2 wheat eng muffin (no butter), and 1.5 pcs leftover bacon.

I am having coffee out of the little reddish-brown mug I made in pottery class and this delights me. It probably only holds 4 ounces. I didn't realize at the time that when clay is fired it shrinks. So it isn't very functional. But I love seeing its imperfections, the glaze, the uneven trimming, even the slight divot in the center which I seem to always get due to the length of my middle finger. I remember the kind instructor's assistant and instructor, who were really supportive. I remember the hesitance in attaching the handle and the help she gave with that. I remember the long time it took me to pick out glaze combinations for my pieces....and even longer for them to dry after dipping. I see the glaze touch-up areas at the top which occurred when I tried to wipe down a not-quite-dried piece. It is all still quite fresh and satisfying. And at the end I have a small army of little bowls which primarily are too small to be practical. But they are big enough for my morning yogurt. One I did in matte black with a narrow opening will be a nice small planter for my front room.

The nice thing about being in the early stages of learning something is that there is no pressure. If something just doesn't resonate, you toss it or give it away. You get to experience the joy of just letting creative instinct and impulse lead the way and see what emerges. Eventually I will have expectations to make things I want to keep or gift from the considerable money I am spending for these classes. It will become less fun when expectations take over. I think that is a life wisdom I need to embrace more....lowering expectations usually results in more enjoyment in life. High expectations have a great cost, so be selective about where and when you apply them.

It was a bit funny when I told my new ins. agent yesterday about my house. I used an extreme term to describe the state of needed repairs and then I corrected myself and said it's not really that bad, it just needs a lot of work. "Like everyone else's house" she quipped. I stopped in my tracks and smiled. As someone who has seen a lot of 100 year old houses in this area she has certainly seen it all. As soon as she asked and understood that the house has circuit breakers instead of fuses things seemed to sail along. I have to remember....as my gc said the other day "all your problems are fixable." It just all comes down to money, and the fear of this being a money pit. But with time I am getting smarter about what is an emergency, what isn't, what to do for myself, and what to pay someone else to do.

Oh, the 5-mile meetup today isn't - I was wrong about the distance - so not driving out to that. Soil is still a bit mucky in flat areas so perhaps drive to a river trail. Kdog's back seemed to be hurting last night - or leg - not sure whether a cramp or a disc. Gave her medicine which helped her rest and will see how she does on her morning potty break.

It is partly cloudy this morning, the promising early colors have shifted to shades of grey. I am going to enjoy my solitude, as tomorrow morning I have Cleaning Lady in the morning and visiting the talkative CC in the afternoon to help her organize some paperwork. S is traveling and will be out of touch for a few days. The ins agent emphasized the importance of getting my will/advance directives done. I need to review some investments my advisor recommended. The markets are a huge gamble and I don't like them, but the alternative investments I don't know are good either, If inflation is 8% and you get 0.5% in the bank and 5% on semi-liquid instruments there is not a reliable option.
 

Fiera

Active member
Yay SB texted me for a dog walk....I left ailing KDog home and she scooped me up in her SUV and we took a brisk 3 mile out-and-back along a former railroad right of way. I had heard of it before but not familiar...not the kind of place I want to be without a friend but it was ok for today. My legs were done at the end.

I raised the topic of wills and trusts since my ins agent was on me yesterday. She was very open about her plans and also being designated for a couple they are friends with who have no kids. She then asked about me and essentially offered to be my medical POA if neeeed. S was going to do both but with her regular travels it may make more sense to take SB up on it.

I was recently telling someone about a serious offer I had once had by an Irish woman to legally adopt me so that I could become a citizen. At the time I thought to myself that this woman hardly knew me, she couldn't possibly want to do something which required that much effort and intimacy. It came out of left field. Now I am learning that those type of unsolicited offers may be gifts from the Universe which need to be strongly attended to. It is not my job to assume that I would be creating an unwanted obligation which I am "not worthy" of, and that the offer was given in spontaneous, regrettable whimsy. Rather, it may be an invitation to explore, discuss, and be open to a level of intimacy which I AM deserving of, even if I am uncomfortable with initially. They see something in me which IS worthy. If the person changes their mind so be it. It's okay, even healthy, to talk about these things and make sure that the person really meant it - leave them an out but assume that they were sincere when they said it.

So I will get on with the process this week I think and will discuss it with S.

The price tag for my very good attorney is not going to be cheap but the documents will be airtight.
 

Fiera

Active member
Hi.

Let's see. Having a hard time thinking back. Last Sat was party at SB's, Proggy and I had fun dancing. Sun I took a walk with my doc. Mon I was AN's ride/responsible adult to pick him up after surgery; it ended up dragging out due to a complication and I got home quite late. Weds I had a short nature walk w some narrative about women who have been influential in consercation. Weds afternoon I learned that dear friend and mom-figure I was non-responsive and in hospice care. Thurs I was invited - gratefully - to go see her and got to spend time holding her hand and talking to her. Friday morning she expired before I arrived, but with her two children comforting her,s which is exactly how it should have been. I have been mostly OK with it, seeing as she was pretty elderly and had had physical and mental decline over the past 2 years. She was ready and waiting to be reunited with her husband, who died a few years ago. Occasionally I have those little breakdowns...when you realize that it is the end and you don't get any more anything with that person, when all that is left are memories you already made...and that begets a powerful mix of grief and gratitude.

Friday night women's club has restarted, and I have joined the past 2 weeks. Got my stuff to the tax advisor. Still playing catch-up on other things. S still having challenges. Helped another older friend with some paperwork. Weather has turned cold, damp, rainy and cloudy for several days....and now windy too. Not supposed to get nice any time soon. I leave to visit my dad in a few more days....cannot change dates because Peaches is counting on my commiment so she can attend a tournament...I will miss I's memorial service but there seems to be no way to fix that and her family understands.

Have been eating like nuts, ordering out because I don't feel like cooking in addition to eating any fast and easy food in the house. Certainly put weight back on. Today I submitted an online form to a nutitritionist my old running coach knows....accountability has always helped me and maybe this woman will he,o me do what I haven't been able to do on my own.

Sleep has been a bit broken and spotty last couple of days. Shallow. Lots of teeth clenching. Hopefully I will relax and enjoy the time in FL with dad, I surely have done a lot of work to try to clear pressing matters off my plate.

I will weigh in on Monday and face the music.
 

Llama

Well-known member
Sorry to hear about the death of your dear friend: no wonder you're struggling to keep things going normally. As far as I can tell you're still doing it though: kidos to you.
 

Fiera

Active member
Thank you Llama.

I just seem to run out of energy these days...I don't have stamina. So thereis a bit of urgency to be almost hyper productive once I get going in the morning...the crash happens late afternoon on average, but it always happens. I am far more productive and energized on sunny days. My SAD hasn't had appropriate treatment in a couple of years now due to Dad, pandemic; but I suspect my biggest problem is excess weight, lack of fitness, and being too sedentary. Thank goodness there is better weather coming! We finally got sunny and dry yesterday - although with an icy wind - and KDog and I went for a group dog walk in the morning and another walk with Proggy in the shopping district where I bought an lp/dvd combo at the record store. We also went into the gear outfitters shop but didn't buy anything. Proggy is looking at whether to get some kind of hiking shoes. He really needs to decide whether he is going to venture into places with rocks and tree roots and loose soil.

The sun is out - at least for now - and I need to go shower and make coffee and weigh myself. Podiatrist appt this morning, probably going to end up with inserts for my arches. Then tomorrow I meet with my GC. I hopefully have gotten enough trip prep done so that I can pack pretty quickly tomorrow afternoon.
 

Llama

Well-known member
Let's hope things are more normal next winter and the pandemic won't keep you from getting decent medical assistance anymore.
When the afternoon crash happens is that it for the day? Or could you have a nap, early dinner, and then do something again afterwards?
 

Cate

Long-term member.
I'm very sorry to hear of the death of your dear friend. I got a call yesterday to tell me about the death of one of my dear friends. I will really miss her.
Spring is really energising. We're coming into winter here & I am inclined to get SAD too. I will have to really concentrate on doing the things that make me feel better & need to get some waterproof hiking boots too.
Will your Dad be on his own when you visit?
 

Fiera

Active member
Let's hope things are more normal next winter and the pandemic won't keep you from getting decent medical assistance anymore.
I have always travelled to Arizona once or twice in winter for a 4-5 day break to do hiking and be outdoors in the sun and that is the best medicine. The past few years I have been with my dad instead and the indoor focus of his lifestyle/limitations and my desire to attend to his needs and spend time while he is stil here has meant that I get very little sunshine. 3 years now. The cost and time involved is so much (3 times this winter to fly down and also board KDog) that taking an actual vacation hasn't been in the cards. But I am going to have to tell him that I need 2-3 hours in the morning or afternoon to be in the sun...take a hike....fish....sit by the pool...even cook at the grill. It is clear to me that I have to do this to take care of my health.

When the afternoon crash happens is that it for the day? Or could you have a nap, early dinner, and then do something again afterwards?

It is for the day. Once in a blue moon I can nap but usually if I try results in me laying in a dopey crabby stupor on the couch in that doesn't result in any refreshing sleep. It is not that I am tired in the nappy sense anyway...rather it is like my energy stores are depleted on a cellular level. This would be Ok of course if I had oh let's say run a 1/2 marathon or did yard work all day or such. But I am not doing enough physical activity to explain it. I miss reading at night before bed but my brain doesn't work well once I hit that point of fatigue. Maybe it is adrenal/cortisol related, vagus nerve etc.
 

Fiera

Active member
I'm very sorry to hear of the death of your dear friend. I got a call yesterday to tell me about the death of one of my dear friends. I will really miss her.
Cate I am genuinely sorry to hear that. My heart goes out to you on the loss of your dear friend.
Spring is really energising. We're coming into winter here & I am inclined to get SAD too. I will have to really concentrate on doing the things that make me feel better & need to get some waterproof hiking boots too.
Being aware of it and having a plan to prioritize your wellness sounds like the best chance to navigate the winter.

Will your Dad be on his own when you visit?
Yes, the purpose of this visit is to provide coverage while his gf/partner goes home to participate in an annual tournament. I gave her a couple of extra days so she can spend time with her daughter and also get the northern house ready for their Spring arrival a couple weeks later. So, I provide all meals/companionship/shopping/dining/doctor visits. He is shut indoors unless the weather is nearly perfect.
 

Llama

Well-known member
It is not that I am tired in the nappy sense anyway...rather it is like my energy stores are depleted on a cellular level.
Sounds like how I get when I have to deal with people too much, especially during more depressed times. It sucks.
 
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