Fiera's Diary

Sounds like how I get when I have to deal with people too much, especially during more depressed times. It sucks.
Engaging with people certainly depletes me too. Yet, I also get some of the best feelings about myself by helping others. Which leads me sometimes to overcommitting or feeling guilty when I have to say 'no'. One of the best things about my friendship with BG is that we both had trouble planning ahead to know whether we would have the energy to do we had a mutual understanding about what was a fixed commitment (me giving her a lift to a doc appt) or something we would just pencil in (lunch, hike, firepit, free concert) and neither would get out of shape if the other just was not up for going - no shame, no hurt, no explanation needed.

I do think my housing situation is a current drain, along with the extra load related to my dad, and to some extent Proggy as well. I think it would suit me better if he and I would settle on "just friends"; the current arrangement however is giving me more space and requiring less energy, for which I am grateful.
I would like to just write a little bit about how I am feeling in the aftermath (ok dramatic language there Fiera) of the meeting with the GC consultant.

It ran just over two hours, which was longer than expected. That is Ok, but the reasons really weren't. Several of steps backwards when I thought I was moving forwards. Meanwhile time ticks by and money depletes.

I was anxious in prepping for this meeting, spending a good amount of time last night just trying to get caught up on my notes and make a list of questions. I was ok when he arrived but by the end of the first hour my head went into my hands and several times thereafter. Becabuse it is too much for me. Too much time, energy, complexity for someone who needs housing to be simple and a home base from which to go travel or explore the city. He gave me his thoughts about condo's and said that he doesn't know anyone whose experience has been better in a condo (different problems, and you have to deal with personalities and differences of opinion etc). But I will not get my investment back out of the money I will spend, He also talked about the cost of my doing it versus the cost of a "flipper" - it isn't just that the flipper can diy, it is that the flipper is only putting lipstick on a pig while you will do things of a better quality if it is your own house.

My stomach was sick and I was feeling overwhelmed and depressed before he left...the anxiety took hold shortly after he left. Rigidity in my entire body; shallow breathing; lightheaded. It is a good opportunity for practicing techniques. Shock the body with ice water, 10 quick jumping jacks, short brisk walk, breathing exercises, suggests Curly Bubbly. I also suspect that singing or playing an instrument will work for me, since I internalize and these require the body to connect with the outer world (journaling does, but typing on an electronic screen is perhaps not shocking enough).

Probably why I eat to sooth myself is the sensory physical pleasure input. It is a learned behavior, I am clearly not hungry. I also used to be able to burn some of it off by dancing or running.

Going to get my guitar out of its long slumber, I will be back.
Cate I am genuinely sorry to hear that. My heart goes out to you on the loss of your dear friend.

Being aware of it and having a plan to prioritize your wellness sounds like the best chance to navigate the winter.

Yes, the purpose of this visit is to provide coverage while his gf/partner goes home to participate in an annual tournament. I gave her a couple of extra days so she can spend time with her daughter and also get the northern house ready for their Spring arrival a couple weeks later. So, I provide all meals/companionship/shopping/dining/doctor visits. He is shut indoors unless the weather is nearly perfect.
Thank you. That is very kind of you to take that time to look after your Dad & give his partner a break. I think it is very important that you also make sure that you take time to look after yourself as well.
Back from a week in FL w my Dad, while Peaches went home for a tournament and to visit family. We started talking a bit about plans for next winter. I want to do it proactively so that I am not feeling resentful about it. I also have to do certain things for myself and while I think my dad was a bit hurt that I wanted to go for a long hike instead of hang with him that last morning, it was very good for me and I needed it.

My brother hurt my feelings a bit by not communicating at all during my and I was going to quit trying, but I see that he has just sent me a text this morning so I will open that shortly. I was dreading coming home. I decided that the "musts" are going to have to wait a couple of days - including other people. I need processing time, I need "me" time. I need to clear my head. Those are the real musts.

I am feeling a lot of resentments, anger, and frustration. Most of it is stemming fro things inside my head, anxiety, expectations, disappointments. It is such a huge wall of cr*p that I am all balled up and rigid and unable to process thoughts and emotions. I need a quiet, cozy safe vacation spot where I can just journal and hike and let things unfold and heal. I am stuck on how to make that happen without spending an irresponsible amount of money, but I will figure something out. Air BnB'sin my favorite spots have gotten as expensive as hotels, in most cases they are more.

Anyway...trip highlights included 3 hockey games with dad, a stroll (scoot) around on a short boardwalk in the woods in a state park, a short visit to the beach at another state park which had a boardwalk and shaded bench where my dad could sit and wait while I stuck my toes in the water (finally). 2 hikes in the preserve including a long one my last day. Lots of walks and cuddles with their new rescue dog. I even used the pool/hot tub for an hour. We also did the DMV, doc visit (02 concerns now), and the usual daily eat out/pick up groceries daily. Eating is a huge hobby for my dad and his gf.

Well. On topic of self care, this may well end up being a pivotal day. I came back knowing that I am seriously stagnant and knowing that my house and my relationship are not serving me. I am going to leave the house sit for a few days, but as my feelings about my relationship are becoming hostile, I am taking action - just as I took action w/r/t telling Peaches that we need to plan next winter better together. It turns out she is in full agreement and said that she is grateful for me to come whenever it works for me. So, just opening my mouth - proactively - dissolved that resentment and will help my life be better. I hope that the same thing happens with Proggy. I just don't bandwidth for the time and attention he requires; I cannot be with someone who is not adding positive dynamics to my life and future in at least some very significant way. He is good companionship but I believe there are unwritten chapters in my life ahead of me. I hope it is not a mistake.
Great to hear that speaking up turned out well with Peaches and you managed to get some you time in. Enjoy your cocooning for the next couple of days!
I am experiencing a certain amount of fatigue and desire to isolate...craving alone time and silence - a reaction to overwhelm. Yesterday I told Proggy that I couldn't continue to go through the motions, that I didn't have the bandwidth to "fake it" and that I felt like I needed to be alone. He accepts that we are not a couple in the romantic sense but he still wants to keep the companionship aspect together as "more than friends". I am okay with being chosen family, but chosen family doesn't (to me) imply that we have to send good morning texts or talk on the phone every evening (usually twice, comprising a total of an hour or more). He was very defensive and trying to lay blame and I simply wouldn't have that. Sometimes nobody did anything wrong. We feel how we feel. Our needs are our needs. I cannot be quiet about mine. I would like to better understand mine and I cannot do it when my days and evenings are filled with busy nothings and trying to support other people. I can't hear my heart any more, My mind and emotions are dreadfully tired.

I was thinking back upon the burnout I used to experience with the burdens and stress and toxic environment at my job. When I would finally have a getaway, it would take 24 hours to just start to feel myself again. As time wore on, I noticed that it would take 3 days. Then sometimes I would never feel like I truly relaxed and 5 days would have passed and it was time to go home and re-enter my life without my batteries fully recharged.

I feel that way now. I desperately need a real getaway. A week off in a cabin somewhere with KDog perhaps. And yet the amount of money involved in doing that is pretty significant. I feel like I have lost so much money due to inflation that I need to knuckle down. Maybe even go back to work for a while. But where? And doing what?

AN reached out to me last night via email after I messaged him a link to a Pema Chodron online summit which just started. He wrote back with a messy dump about needing to talk, therapy, and if I have a chance he would appreciate a talk or some guitar time. I answered honestly that I don't right now and am dealing with my own situation but I will let him know when I feel like I can be a good listener. He understood of course, but I felt this tinge of sadness that as much as I still have feelings of affection and attraction for him, he will likely never recover enough to be someone I could be in a relationship or close companionship with. And it sucks, because I do enjoy a lot of things about him. But he is so immersed in his own stuff that he entirely forgot about my birthday this year. So did PAG, not that I find that meaningful.

But how is it that virtually everyone in my life right now seems to need my support. And why is it that I hold myself accountable to give them what they need? I wonder - do I have too many people? Do I pick the wrong people? Why don't I feel like the ones I have are "enough"? Why do I keep thinking that there is someone and something else out there, a whole next chapter, involving living out west somewhere, and who will I ultimately be taking with me into that next life? Some of these people are placeholders. My dad won't be around too much longer. I want to go hiking and camping while I still can. None of these people even like to do that.

BG was a good friend and a good fit for me in that regard. But that ship has sailed and I need to replace her. Maybe L's friend JAB. Or someone in the dog rescue group. I know so many people at an arms length. I know how to build and deepen a relationship but it is a challenge to extricate myself from the wrong ones.

So funny. I actually came here to write that yesterday I stumbled across an article describing Aphanyasia. It was a complete aha moment. Something I never understood about myself being in any way "different", but it certainly is a source of underlying struggle. Aphantasia is when you cannot visualize images in your minds eye. For example, picture the face of someone you love. Can you see the face in detail, can you see it somewhator not at all? Can you hold that image and describe it, or is it vague and fleeting? Do you actually "see" the image or do you simply "know" that you are thinking of the persons face? I resounding fall in the low end of this spectrum. I get only a vague impressionistic blob and I cannot hold it at all.

There are ties to memory and imagination but I haven't read up on it yet. I complained to my last therapist that I felt like I had gotten dumber and my brain wasn't working as well....she finally ran some tests and while I tested very high on most of the cognitive stuff, the auditory memory was slightly subnormal and the visual memory was quite below normal. This she said was probably the reason that I felt "frustrated", because these aspects of my mind were out of sync with the rest.

I will not be surprised if this is linked to the cognitive processing / learning issues I have experienced I have encountered. I would struggle in business because things like sales and profit figures would evaporate out of my head the moment after they would be show on the screen - I had to write things down on paper to have a chance of getting them to "stick" I think it has been progressive. I remember as a kid that when I read books I would race through them but the images in my mind were extremely vague, like outlines in mist. So I have always had that. I never really realized that some people see/imagine a scene as if they are looking with their own eyes.

But I also remember as a kid laying in bed at night and imagining different things, like being a race car pit crew chief or a horse jockey. I was more able then to hold a scene/scenario and playit through, with some amount of context. Not sure I can do the same thing now but will have to try it.

I for years now have had almost no recollectionor access to my dreams. But I would say that the images I recall from those dreams have some detail, but never faces, usually more about physical surroundings, like the layout of a house or office, and even those are not highly detailed.

I also have a very difficult time recognizing faces i/r/l and have to meet someone a few times (and also often do not recollect conversations we may have had). It is interesting to try to understand whether this is a progresive thing and what might be going on, to understand whether there might be techniques for improvement. Or at least to simply understand it better.

One other aspect comes to mind; that I was very consistent in solving a complex problem through and analysis of facts - but sometimes I couldn't recollect the conclusion down the road. I would revisit the facts and very reliably solve the problem in the same way and reaching the same conclusion, which would be verifiable once I dug into an old email or file on the topic.

I guess what I want to glean is how much of this is actual underlying brain function versus how much of it is learned behavior or even a cognitive shortcut? Is some of it a defense mechanism against sensory overload, for example? Considering how much I seem to be more and more challanged to deal with environmental stimuli, it does raise the prospect of leading to some interesting answers or at least tools.
Proggy and I exchanged morning greetings. Shift change in that the old terms of endearment and related emoji are being dropped. It feels a bit sad but we soldier forward with intention to reshape the connection in to a friendship along the lines of "chosen family". Maybe he will be my brother, since the biological one doesn't seem to want or need connection.

My alarm reminds me that I have a therapy session in 30. I don't even know where to start.

On the whole I find it a good thing if I can cry. I have been walking around so bottled up and unable to release. Alone time is good for finding space to breathe again. Reacquant myslelf with my physical body again.
Our needs are our needs. I cannot be quiet about mine. I would like to better understand mine and I cannot do it when my days and evenings are filled with busy nothings and trying to support other people. I can't hear my heart any more, My mind and emotions are dreadfully tired.
That sounds like long-term overwhelm. And the problem with it is that not knowing what you need makes it so much harder to recover.
But how is it that virtually everyone in my life right now seems to need my support. And why is it that I hold myself accountable to give them what they need?
Probably because you've been taught to be there for others and ignore your own needs from a young age. People who give and are feeling unworthy of support themselves are probably more likely to attract people who take but don't give.
I for years now have had almost no recollectionor access to my dreams. But I would say that the images I recall from those dreams have some detail, but never faces
I don't see a lot of faces in my dreams either, but I did dream work for a while ages ago and in my experience starting out by just writing down the tiny fragments you remember right after waking up you'll remember a little bit more every day.
In reading a bit more on aphantasia, people with this condition also have a very difficult time visualizing themselves in a future scenario. This also matches me. In my late teens I always thought I would be dead before 20 because I couldn't picture myself or my life in the future, I was vaguely surprised when I arrived at my 20th birthday and thought to myself "what TF do I do now?" Maybe that is why I never envisioned having kids, or could foresee the crushing isolation of my divorce or why I have a difficult time really understanding what other people's lives must be like. It's very one dimensional. The things I am hard on myself about, perhaps have some link to this phenomenon. At times I suspected that I perhaps have a form of autism or ADD, not that I have really looked into it, but just more of an awareness that as I am aging my tolerance for stimuli becomes less and inability to tolerate competing sounds, a loss of interest in music, which for years was the passion which permeated all aspects of my life. Or it could just be garden variety aging. Or depression. Long term stress, anxiety and depression also changes the brain. All I really know is that underlying my daily existence I feel stupid and incapable of focusing or remembering things. I can't seem to concentrate on meditation videos and usually sit in complete silence alone in my house. I am drawn more to nature because it is uncomplicated and inoffensive to my senses. Perhaps I have just become a snowflake. Perhaps something really is broken.

I tend to believe that brain chemistry is still a key issue. An aphantasia article described a participant's experience using amphetamines and it gave them an experience to see things in the minds eye, although accompanied by an overwhelm of having such stimulation, So perhaps aphantasia is the minds' way of controlling excessive stimuli. Like high functioning autism or something.

I am just rambling, Some texting with S got me onto the subject this morning. It's not something I am planning to set about spending time on, there are too many other critical issues to deal with atm. Trying to not let overwhelm get me. I did go to women's club last night and had to tell a couple of people that I just needed some space for a few days. I want to feel quiet and solitude and try to feel some sense of balance.

I also need to acknowledge that my eating has been off the rails again and that I am going to try to have a very light day today. I have been craving sugar a lot since being at my dad's and allowing myself to have things like ice cream bars and chocolate cake. I came home and ordered food with some big cookies and then the next day had a chocolate mini-cake from the bakery. Yesterday it was a hot fudge sundae. Have also been having more coffee than normal. Since I know the gut-brain biome is a thing, I will look towards fasting/eating light not as a "diet", but as a self-care healing opportunity. My future self will thank me.
Finally got on scale after shower. 177.0. Could have been worse, certainly my clothes fit worse. Anyhow, reached out to SB and got a dog walk set up for 11:30. Picking up house and doing laundry. A funny meme about Ska cause me to dial up an old classic on youtube (Ska Train by the Beatmasters). Gave me a boost and a smile. Reminded me of some good times out on the dance floor at the the Old Club, and of a particular friend who was quite tall and would bounce up and down to similar songs. Today just happens to be his birthday. I rather appreciate that sort of alignment.
In the end finding out in which exact way your brain differs from the average is only relevant because the fitting word might point you to useful coping strategies.

Kudos to you for going out to the women's club despite everything.
Yah LaMa. Knowing can help one learn how to navigate this life a bit better. I also think there is peace in having answers, but we will never have all the answers so you just kind of have to learn to live with the uncertainty and get on with life.

Extra-early wake-up this morning, 4A. My alarm was set for 8A, but I fell asleep at 10 and I guess my body thinks I have caught up over the past few days. Having a bowl of matcha which will be followed by a cup of coffee.

I really have frightful uncontrolled eating. Yesterday I was toying with fasting but at a minumum was expecting to eat light. I had a light brekkie at 10A before a dog walk with SB and hubby. Eng muffin w butter and an egg. After arriving back home I got on phone with S and Proggy. Cleaning house and doing laundry and then grilling up the brats I had pulled out of the freezer 2 days ago in anticipation of Proggy coming over on the weekend, I got sausage buns out of the freezer, and chopped up onions and so naturally when they came off the grill I had one. That wasn't feeling like quite enough lunch so I had another one rather than bothering with soup or fruit or yogurt or salad. Still, I thought that if I didn't eat much for the rest of the day I could consider myself well within 800 calories "net" for the day.

But. As the day progressed, I felt tired. I felt grasping by Proggy which I took responsibility for helping to soothe. The day had turned grey and was quite cold and damp, darkening everyone's mood a bit. I was weighed down by some should-do's, including writing to I's son and daughter and watching videos of her eulogy (which I put off); additional tax work, bills, and the overwhelm of dealing with whatever is going on with my house (heavy rains again while I was away). Freaking out is not an option but I could feel my mind starting to turn sideways inside my head before I caught it. Sort of like catching yourself from an eye roll, though infinitely more important.

I feel a paralysis and fatigue and the effect of a very large cumulative to-do list. I cope with this by avoidance, by eating, by mental distraction, and by doing whatever little tasks I can seem to manage. In theory, making and organizing a to-do list is a low energy activity; also so is organizing my contractor notes and planning next steps. The psychic energy involved however is tremendous, and I mostly just cannot get over the combination of fear, frustation, financial worries, etc.

Anyway to finish up the point about eating yesterday....I had the 2 brats w buns around 2PM. Later towards dinner time I had another one and a half. Somewhere in there I had animal crackers (no chocolate in the house). If the mille had not gone bad while on my trip I would have had cereal. As an evening snack I had the remaining 1 1/2 brats with a tortilla. Somewhere in there I had a yogurt.

How is eating an entire packet of brats in one day in ANY WAY acceptable?

My food addiction is in full force, I know that I am trying to soothe my fears and anxieties. But every day that goes by, the stories that I tell myself and believe about my weight are making my life worse. The practical implications of not having clothes that fit to wear for a dinner out or for hiking; to not be able to get up from the floor without rolling into position, to feel concern about blowing out a knee on the stairs, to be uncertain about whether I can get in and out of my kayak, to be unable to safely climb a ladder to work on painting my windows, to be unable to jog, to be uninterested in being with someone because that would require physical intimacy, to be too ashamed to attend reunions and to avoid seeing friends....all of this and so much more. I needed to start writing some of this down because it is collectively creating a huge unnecessary source of shame and expense in my life. I have enough problems, why am I putting such much time and money into another one?

And, if my meds aren't working then maybe I need to try something else. I also need to get to the grocery store and restock the fridge with the Good and the Green. I also think I am going to get dark chocolate again, because the number of things I try to substitute when I am craving chocolate ends up a lot worse than if I simply have the chocolate.

In other news, KDog is still not herself after the sit, and she shrieked momentarily while laying last night, I think it was either a back spasm or a disc issue based on what I can tell. She got both muscle relaxer and pain meds, but if she doesn't perk up in a couple of days then we will be off to the vet (probably the specialist vet an hour and a half away).

SB/Hubby invited me to join them and another couple for a baseball game today so that is on my avoidance agenda for today. It is more or less an all day event since they leave the house early and then go out to eat afterwards. I need to see if the dog walker can come by or I will have to skip part of the outing. The grocery store opens in a bit so I may try to squeeze that in, as I need meat to add into KDog's kibble. Or I could just make a hamburger/turkey burger for today and shop tomorrow when I don't have such a busy day.

Well, journaling is a form of avoidance at times and I will admit that this was one of those times. Time to go be productive and earn my play time later.
In theory, making and organizing a to-do list is a low energy activity; also so is organizing my contractor notes and planning next steps. The psychic energy involved however is tremendous, and I mostly just cannot get over the combination of fear, frustation, financial worries, etc.
Making lists forces you to look at the things you don't want to face. It's normal to balk at that. But journaling about all the things you're avoiding really gives you 90% of your list, so that's something.
Another abnormally early wake up today (3A). I had crashed asleep with the TV on and this scene from WSM came on, blaring loud cabaret music, it woke me right up. Hopefully I will catch a nap but wide awake for 2 hours now so decided to get up and make matcha tea.

Yesterday was brilliant - just what I needed. Nice and sunny but not hot, the kind of day that is cold in the shade with a breeze, but warm in the sun. SB/hubby and I watched from left field while hubbys brother/SIL had seats by third base. We did a lot of walking, plus I had walked KDog in the morning and walked KDog with to fetch my car in the evening, I would guess I had about 5 miles total. I was good and physically tired, got vitamin D, socialized a bit, and began to get familiar with the new roster. The fans around were mostly having good clean fun (+ cup snakes).

KDog must have gotten some good rest and healing as she was bright and energetic and raring to go for the evening walk. It made my heart joyful, just as it had cast a dark cloud when she wasn't feeling well.

I can take my time getting going today. I have some banking and tax work, groceries, laundry (fold/put away) and then I can get back to my to-do list (the big hairy scary one).

Thank goodness for sun. It is so clear to me that for my mental health I need to start snowbirding in winter. Since as long as my dad is around and I am not fully at liberty to be in my chosen locale each winter, I might just consider doing a month stint where he is. That would mean I need someone to look after my house as far as snow, mail, etc however. Seems too far ahead to right now, I may not even have this house

Ok I am going to turn to other things
Making lists forces you to look at the things you don't want to face. It's normal to balk at that. But journaling about all the things you're avoiding really gives you 90% of your list, so that's something.
Oh dear, no, my list is probably 300+ items long. I don't even begin to touch it here. There are things like taking jewelry in for repairs. It has been so long and I have to find the pouch they are in, review what work is needed, AND I have to find a trustworthy jeweler. Cleaning up the hard drives/photos, selling some items, itemizing/photo my grandfathers's train set to get it valued (120 pieces), prepping kayak and putting roof rack back on car; take stuff to recycling/disposal (involves looking up what goes where and when the places are open). Some of this stuff is psychically weighty and some isn't but collectively it gives one a sense of despair. Which is why I havent worked on a master to-do list in quite some time. I think though that trying to sell things (or get them to someone who can use them) takes up too much time and space. Gah.
Ah, that kind of chores... I now 100% understand why you're avoiding them. Is there anyone who could help you get an overview?
Avoidance has turned into anxiety.

I didn't skeep enough and had a hard time getting up.

Around 10:30 SB and I went for a dog walk around my house. She is getting her nose pierced tomorrow and I am probably as well, in any event I will go with her and talk with the woman.

I got out of the house finally when I found out my favorite sports socks had changed their yarn and there were only sporadic pairs of the old socks in stores. I ended up going to 2 stores about 15 miles apart. I am still not convinced I have the old formulation but I have 6 pair of very expensive socks now. I took KDog with and we had a little walk around the area of shops and then picked up a few things from TJ's, so at least part of my grocery shopping is done.

All day I felt too cloudy to deal with the taxes, banking, or the GC who rang me. What is setting off the anxiety is a few things - serious (worse ever) water damage in the corner of the garage where the neighbors' runoff hits. Wood is getting bad and metal items in there are getting rusty. Then my GC saying something in his voice mail about "the engineer you were going to hire" - dude, you said the next step was you coming over and running dye tablets through my drains. And time marches on and things get worse and am still staring at a mess of laundry which didn't get done.

I realize that the run for socks, especially to the store further away, was probably not the emergency I made it into. It's true that it took me a long time to find running socks which work for me. And a little time now will kick the can down the road to having to purchase and try out other products. But really, it was a tick box that I was able to check, a problem that I was able to solve, because the big problems are just too big and I can't navigate my way out of them.

I also went ahead an called AN which was unsatisfying. I wish that he was in a different place and it sucks watching him struggle. I have my doubts whether he will still be around in 10 years. It makes me sad because if he was able to sort himself out...but what's the point of dwelling there.

I did also pick up the phone and talk w someone about the retiree gatherings and signed up for the December one. What I had once expected to be a gala event attended by a broad range of people is not going to be more than a fancy luncheon with smallee numbers. My expectations need to be very very low. I could change to the June one but I admit I don't want to be seen/photographed at my current weight. I also hear that the employee party is going to be a bash for the ages. There is a mixture of feelings about it.
Random Thoughts from a Fatigued Mind:

Uncharacteristically, I am here at 5:30PM. I thought about coming here earlier today just to catch up but I will do it now.
Yesterday I had an appt with SB at the piercer. She was going and I had been toying for a while with getting a nostril ring. After I watched some videos Monday which essentially said don't start with a ring - start with a stud - I started to question whether to bother. I mean, if it takes 6-9 months for the stud to fully heal before I can get to a ring...and then I don't end up liking the ring all that much...well I started thinking instead about getting the two micro rings in the upper ear instead. It turns out that those also have the same time constraint, but at least I don't mind starting out there with the studs. In the end and after MUCH indecision I ended up getting all 3. lol. It was pricey but it's kind of nice to do something for *me*, without respect to what Proggy or others think.

That's important, I think, nurturing my own sense of self, my inner spirit. It's just jewelry, but its also very individualized.

Fast forward to today, and another foggy, groggy, can't focus day where taxes and banking did not get done. Two more phone calls with the sock manufacturer and now I have ordered a merino version to try. I took KDog with to drop off a return and then was planning to walk with her but it started raining. I was out of it all day. Allergies perhaps, so I took 1/2 Benedryl.

AN apologized and said he realizes he needs to take more time to process after getting triggered before talking about it. S texted about relationship issues and so I offered to listen if she needed to talk, and she called, from the road. CC also called, struggling with anxiety after her anxiety meds were not refilled (she was able to get that sorted). I talked to my Dad from the car earlier. How can I be simultaneously grateful for people and yet so exhausted by them that I am impatient, disinterested (or worse)?

Proggys brother, it has been decided, will be moved to hospice. Proggy will need my support in the coming weeks/days and I want to be there for him. I do. I am just struggling myself right now. I think everybody is. I wish people would stop dying.

No walk today in between rains - too sleepy.

I am proud of myself for getting on wellies, rain poncho, umbrella, and getting some video footage of the water runoff situation. There was a lot of water in the garage and it is damaging the wood and metal items are rusting. It's only a garage but on the other hand - I would like to not have to replace it any time soon. It's made of old lumber and in fine shape other than where the water is getting in. I also discovered the downspout solution that the waterproofing company installed is significantly leaking, so I will call the warranty guy.

I like some of the lifey bits I have had in the past few days - those times when I was completely able to live in the moment - at the ball game, dog walking with SB, long trail walk with KDog (at least until S started reaching out), going for piercings we perhaps should have done 15 years ago, talking with my Dad.

Guess I will take another 1/2 Benadryl and try to find a surge of energy to pick up before the cleaning lady comes tomorrow.
Last edited:
It's hard to be there for everywhere and to feel like you have nobody to lean on yourself. Yay for getting yourself something just for the joy of it though!