Emily Rose: The Reboot

[Emilyrose]

The previous post wasn’t directed at you Cate. You spoke to me about it, which I appreciate, and you’re right, you have been a great support on here. Unfortunately, the issue remains unresolved, but I am not wasting any more energy on it.

My mum is home and she is so much better! She’s a bit tired, but almost entirely back to her old self, which is such a relief. She’s foggy on the stuff that went wrong but she’s remembering everything since, which is the main thing. I’m so delighted to have her home. She really makes our lives better.

I have my interview this Friday, I am feeling quite tense about the whole thing. It’s clashing with a big meeting in my current job, but there’s really not much I can do about it. I hope it goes well.

I’ve been really active the last week or so since I got back but the scales are barely budging. I need to cut out bread and sugar. That will not be easy. But that is the only way I will see results at this stage. At least my fitness levels are very good and I’m back at the gym again.

This latest Covid variant is another downer, I worked from home today cos I just couldn’t face the office. I will return tomorrow.

I feel very tense right now with this potential huge change looming - but I believe the reward will outweigh the risk.

 

[Cate]

My mum is home and she is so much better! She’s a bit tired, but almost entirely back to her old self, which is such a relief. She’s foggy on the stuff that went wrong but she’s remembering everything since, which is the main thing. I’m so delighted to have her home. She really makes our lives better.

That is excellent news, Em! It sounds like your Mum has had a re-set. It sounded scary, but it has seemed to work well. I'm so glad for your Mum & Dad & for you. That is really good news!

 

[Emilyrose]

Thank you Cate.

I had a fantastic win in tennis tonight, I was like a little child. It felt good to be having fun. We were all playing in the wind and rain and it made everyone a bit giddy. It was great. I feel like Covid has taken the laughter away - was glad to see it back.

Have a difficult email to send tomorrow - I am worried. But today went great, so I live in hope.

 

[Cate]

Tennis sounds like fun. It's good to have those light moments.
You'll hopefully feel better about your email once it's done. I hope so.

 

[Emilyrose]

Thanks Cate. It’s sent now. It went okay I think.

I’m sitting in the lobby of a fancy hotel now waiting for my interviewer to arrive. He’s running 10 minutes late, so nearly 20 minutes to go. I don’t feel too nervous - but I do want it to be over and done with at this stage. It’s been kind of hanging over me all week.

I went to club night last night and finally got to play doubles with the handsome Italian guy. We had fun, although I played poorly overall. He is a way better player than I am. It was a great evening really. I skipped out on my virtual Christmas party - it’s my idea of hell really. I like meals out and all that, but looking at myself for 2 hours on a Zoom call and tearing myself apart is not my idea of fun.

Anyway, that’s it for now. My mum is doing amazingly well. I couldn’t have pictured her any better. I’m having drinks later as we are auditioning again this evening, as we had to kick one guy out of the play. Hopefully the new guys have what we are looking for.

 

[Emilyrose]

Interview went well! I have another one in January and he wants me to do a few courses beforehand, so I will be busy this Christmas. But the topics are quite interesting, so it’s not so bad.

I’m currently in the car outside a potential new house that I am viewing at 6pm. I just contacted the landlady today - she had someone for the room but they changed their mind at the last minute, so she’s keen to get someone else in. She seemed nice - her brother is showing me the room this evening. The rent is reasonable when you look at the market at the moment - location could be better but it’s near my current work and potential new work and only a 20 minute walk from the shopping centre and a short bus ride into town. So fingers crossed I like the place!

I had a Christmas night out with work last night so I am shattered today. I won a prize at work today, I caught up with a friend I haven’t seen in ages last night before the work thing, and another friend who I haven’t heard from in ages texted me today. She has Covid but she’s fine. So things are pretty good!

I also signed up for a cool yoga workshop on Sunday which involves journaling and setting intentions for the year ahead, so looking forward to that too.

 

[Cate]

The potential new job sounds intriguing, Em. Expecting you to do "a few" courses before you're employed is unusual. I assume you're keener now than you seemed to be. Re; the potential new share house- would it be sharing with this woman & her brother or other people? I hope you like it & if so I hope it works out for you. I need to contact some friends soon. It's easy to lose touch, but good to make the effort to maintain good friendships. I have been alcohol-free again since Nov 22 & am quite enjoying the break. I think I have broken the everyday habit thing & that's a good feeling.

 

[Emilyrose]

Hi Cate. Yeah, I guess the job is a big deal and you need to have a broad knowledge of loads of different marketing stuff to be successful in it.

I got the house share! It’s with a girl doing her masters in music and another guy who is a teacher. They are both only staying till the summer, so it should be fine.

Well done on going alcohol-free again. I have cut back a lot - I had two nights out this week so drank then but I haven’t been drinking at home too much lately, which is progress.

Weight is down slightly, back in the 190s at least. I will have to keep at it.

 

[Cate]

Congratulations, Em! When will you start your new job? Will you have a break in between & does moving in fit with that?
I hope the house share works out for you. Does that mean that new tenants would move in for Summer or just that they would be back again in the new term?
Well done on cutting down. I am actually enjoying taking the break & have lost a considerable amount of weight in 2 weeks by also restricting my calories to 1200. Not drinking makes that so much easier.

Weight is down slightly, back in the 190s at least. I will have to keep at it.

Good for you. Are you still playing tennis each week?
So many questions! I'll leave them there though......

 

[Emilyrose]

Hi Cate. Ask away, haha!

I don’t have the new job yet. I have another follow-up interview in mid-January so I will be moved and settled in my new place by then. The new house is only 30 minutes from my parent’s house, so I’m sure I’ll be back and forth a lot at the start. In the summer, the landlord will be getting new tenants in.

I’m still a bit worried about my mum - her back is very stiff now, probably from very limited movement for months and maybe because of the tablets? She genuinely could not get up from the chair last night and she was very washed out. Her sister did visit her yesterday, which can be stressful (although she was very kind, to be fair), so maybe it was all a bit much for her. I am just terrified when she’s not feeling well now.

And yes, I’m still playing tennis. There was a storm on Tuesday so the finals of the internal league were moved to next week and I had my party on Thursday so I couldn’t do club night. But I played Dad yesterday and I have doubles today at 6pm. I’m not being as militant with it as I was, but I tend to still get out 3 days a week in general.

Today I’m having a yoga day to try to restore some calm and balance into my life. I had a massive row with my manager on Thursday which has kind of upset me all weekend really. It’s resolved, but I didn’t like a few comments she made about me. So... anyway. She’s on holidays this Friday. Only a week to go.

But yes, yoga had to be abandoned for a while because of Covid, but there’s a class on at my gym at 12pm and the yoga workshop is on at 2-4pm. So hopefully, I will feel better after both of those.

 

[Lingwo]

Long time since I checked in! Haven't read through everything I missed, but glad you got out of the toxic house with the mean lady.

Great to see your interview went well, and it's nice that the next round isn't until mid-January so you can relax a little over the holiday season. Good luck!

 

[Cate]

Thanks for the answers to all of my questions. I jumped the gun with the potential new job.
The inaction, while your Mum was in the hospital, will have made her stiff & easily tired. I know I can feel exhausted just after a phone conversation with my sister.

 

[Emilyrose]

- It's so weird Lingwo, it's like the mean lady never happened in a way in my head, because I realised she never really mattered. At the same time, it's great to be away from her. And thanks! Do I even want that job? Not sure.

- Hi Cate. I find it incredibly annoying for you to be all friendly with me when you haven't shown any sort of backbone whatsoever in terms of LaMa freezing me out after 5 years of being friends on the forum. I'm not going to let this go. I don't think I deserve this treatment. I haven't said anything mean or horrible to her - I just have a different opinion on Covid, which everyone does. And Marsia does not deserve the OTT rant I read on Floater's thread either. Honestly. Having an opinion is not a fucking crime.

Yeah. I'm a bad bitch. Bad motherfucker.

Wow. Probably should tone it down a tad. This probably isn't REALLY a journal. That's all lies. I will regret this ever existed in a few years and then I'll probably be on jury duty and they will be like, 'Were you Emily Rose on fitness.com?' and I will have to say yes, and I will be profiled and judged based on this.

Some of things I might go to the wall for:
YOU WEREN'T A FAN OF VACCINES!
YOU WERE A SELFISH GIT!
YOU WERE A FAT FUCK!
YOU WERE GREEDY!
YOU WERE ARGUMENTATIVE!
YOU HAD A MIND!
YOU WEREN'T ALWAYS KIND!
YOU COULD BE A BIT OF A C*#^!(edited by a moderator)

But that's all good man.

 

[Llama]

Hi Emily, I noticed that you were being unkind to Cate, who is the last person on this forum to derserve that kind of treatment. You're right that I shouldn't have just dropped you without saying anything. I was going to just wait a bit until I wasn't as angry so whatever I said wasn't going to escalate things into a fight. Because I'd had a hard day at work wrangling anti-maskers in a medical environment full of high-risk patients so I knew I wasn't going to be my best and I knew you were having a tough time with family matters so I wanted to try and be fair. But a moment where I could respond calmly didn't come, even after several days, and I realized I didn't want to respond anymore at all. We've just had too many blow-ups over the past couple of years. Are you a kind person most of the time, funny and imaginative? Yes, you really are. But if I had a strawberry bush with amazing fruit where about one in twenty left an awful taste in my mouth for hours, or even days, I would give up on that bush after a while.

 

[Emilyrose]

Thank you for finally responding to me because the fact that you didn’t say anything has really upset me - obviously.

I genuinely don’t know what other blow-ups you are talking about. But if you want to hang on to stuff, be my guest.

I am really pissed off that you had my comment deleted when I was simply stating an opinion that you don't agree with. I don't believe in censorship and I certainly would never do that to any of your posts, even if I thought you were completely in the wrong.

You seem to have put yourself on a pedestal to judge the rest of the world from and the fact of the matter is that it's left you isolated and lonely. I'm not going to apologise to you because I didn't do anything wrong. My comment was simply that our freedom has been taken away through Covid restrictions - which is a fact, by the way! Whether you believe it's completely worth it and all the rest is cool. I change my mind about that on a daily basis. I'm not a conspiracy theorist or any of those other things, but I don't subscribe to every single thing the government tells me either. That's my right as an individual.

If you want to judge me on something like that, that's fine. I think your final comment above is incredibly mean, but if that's how you feel, then that's grand.

 

[Emilyrose]

Well. Where do we go from here?

Like sands in the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.

Today was a good day overall. Work was fine, I got a nice Christmas email done, there was no drama in the office. (Both here and the office have been jam-packed with drama this week. It's been a challenge.)

I met up with a few friends this evening for food and some drinks for a last hurrah before more restrictions come in on Sunday. (Pubs and restaurants close after 8pm. No live events after 8pm.)

The play is in jeopardy now, so we have to figure out if we can still have rehearsals in January. If the live events restrictions are still around in February, we will have to perform the play at 6pm in the evening, which isn't ideal. But we are forging ahead and praying that things will get better. I feel incredibly sorry for the business owners and the musicians and performers who have once again had the rug pulled out from under them. It's tough going.

My heart was warmed to see people out enjoying themselves tonight, despite the cloud of misery that has enveloped the country. Lots of people hugging and wishing each other happy Christmas. I saw two different older couples having a snog on the street. A group of middle-aged men with their arms around each other singing a drunken ballad. It was nice.

I feel pretty exhausted and burnt out now. I am emotionally drained from everything. Christmas still seems so far away. I really need a break from the grind at this point.

The plan for tomorrow is to sleep in for as late as I possibly can, even though I wake every Saturday at 7.30 am now. The trick is to go back to sleep again, which I can manage sometimes. I have to buy a few small gifts for my parents, which I might end up doing on Sunday instead. Maybe I'll watch some Christmas films. Not sure. It's nice to have a nothing day ahead in some ways.

Current mood:

 

[Emilyrose]

Scales were very positive today, saw my lowest weight since August on there. I think the relief of having my mother back at home is making an impact. I have a feeling my digestion is a lot better.

Had a good day so far - my uncle had breakfast with us this morning and then I went to the gym and did a spin and yoga class.

And then I felt awful afterwards. Maybe it’s hunger - sometimes when I come home from work, my mood is very low, but by the time I eat my dinner, I feel a lot better. So that’s something to note. I have no reason to be feeling low today really.

Tennis is planned for 5pm and then we are having a few drinks afterwards in the clubhouse, which I’ve never done. And that could be the end of the celebrations till New Year. Let’s see how this thing goes...

 

[Emilyrose]

Struggling a bit with my mum the past few days. I'm seeing signs of the old depression coming back in the evenings, which makes her quite difficult to be around. She got bad news tonight - her old friend from nursing school died of Covid. She was only 65. So, of course she's a bit upset about that. I don't know, sometimes I look at her and I don't really see my mother anymore. That scares me. I know she is still recovering and that she's on a lot of tablets, but I guess I can't help but worry about her. I guess I should be thankful that she seems to be alright. Maybe not vibrant, but definitely alright.

I had a bad day today overall. I got unsettling news, a few of us in the office had a conversation that stirred up old emotions and really upset me, it was just generally all a bit overwhelming. I played tennis after work, which was good, and I went to a yoga class in a new studio last night, which was exciting. My old studio closed down because of Covid. So it's great to have found a new place to go. I know the teacher of the class last night as well, who I haven't seen in ages, so it was good to have a little chat with her. I really enjoyed the class as well. I am as stiff as a board, it was actually embarrassing how closed my hips were and how much agony I was in doing simple poses, but I did start to feel looser as the night went on. I just have to keep going.

I was thinking of making 2022 my 'year of yoga' and try to do 30 minutes of yoga every day. It doesn't have to be difficult or challenging every day, but I have to do at least 30 minutes, whether that be 'Yoga with Adriene' online or a class. Any time I go to a yoga class, I feel like with every stretch where I find tightness, the tightness is an old wound of some sort that I am finally letting go - and since I have many, many old (and recent, let's be real here) wounds to heal, daily yoga could be a fantastic tool to use to start to improve my life.

And then I'll still have the tennis to take out some aggression.

But yeah, today was definitely an 'unresolved old wounds resurface' kind of a day. Are they ever resolved or do you just distract yourself enough to forget about them? The jury's out on that one.

I am loving The Beatles lately, Dad and I are watching the Get Back documentary on Disney+, which is epic. Anyway, this is John Lennon's grudge song about Paul McCartney that I am digging right now. I can relate to your pettiness, John. Lots of people I could sing this to today. Too many people, you might say.

 

[Emilyrose]

I’m feeling pretty miserable today so I’ve decided to give myself an early Christmas present - I am now a non-smoker, as of this moment on Wednesday 22nd December at 13.52.

I’m just tired of it and I want my life to change and this is the first, extremely important step. I need to start treating myself better. Just the idea of being free of the smell and the cost and the cravings has improved my mood substantially.

I keep talking about wanting to be a free spirit while knowingly keeping myself trapped in this never-ending cycle of misery. I want bigger things, I want better things. And also, with Covid spreading like wildfire, it’s a good idea to try to clear my lungs of this gunge asap.

Anyway, that’s it for now. This is my official declaration. I have made up my mind and there is no turning back now. Let’s see what the road ahead brings...

 

[Emilyrose]

I jumped the gun a little bit with the smoking. It was too hard when I was still working until 1pm yesterday. But I haven't smoked since then and I intend to keep going with it. I haven't decided on nights out yet. I just can't wrap my head around the 'never again' aspect of it. But for now, I am happy to be smoke-free with no cravings so far.

I woke up this morning and made myself go for a run. It was quite slow going but I was happy that I went. I've worked up a nice appetite for my dinner.

I got a few nice Christmas messages this morning and friends sent around lots of baby photos last night. I don't envy them, haha. I got a full 8 hours sleep last night.

But yes, feeling good. I have ten days off now, so it's a chance to heal, to revive, to reflect, to relax. I have so much tennis packed in for the next week and I'm going to try to run and do yoga most days as well. I just need to start a good exercise routine over the next week and a half, and try to maintain that for January and February. Once we get into March, my mood generally lifts and things are a bit easier. But exercise will be key for me for the first few months of the year, I think.

I'm going to start tracking here again from tomorrow on. I'm not sure what format it will take yet, but I just want to keep a log again. I'm going to find it really hard to stay away from the sweet things when we have so much stuff in the house. I'm not going to worry about it too much today, but the play in February is looming, and I really don't want to be the weight I am now when that comes around. Changing my habits now will make a huge difference. But with biscuits and sweets in every nook and cranny, along with wine and gin, it really will be hard. But as long as I keep the exercise routine going, I have some hope of success.

Anyway, that's it for now, happy Christmas to you all. May it be filled with peace and light and harmony. And even if you're trying to lose weight, be thankful for the lovely food in front of you and enjoy the grub. That's what I intend to do myself.