~*~ Confessions and Thoughts of a Girl Looking to the Future~*~

Today overall I did much better with the food but I didn't drink nearly enough water. Of course after posting earlier that I may be drinking too much water! I ate a hamburger for dinner the first time I have eaten red meat in over two weeks. I felt kind of guilty at first but then I decided its not cheating I didn't eat a ton of fatty meat I ate a hamburger made from lean ground beef.

Natalie I know I have to eat more fruit and just throughout the day to keep my metabolism going. Its just I get up and just start going until the mid to late afternoon and eating is an afterthought. I was joking wiht my boyfriend today that 2 months ago I would have never guessed that I would be trying to eat more and get my calorie count up. Starting on Monday I have a little time off of school between semesters I am going to scrub down my disgustingly dirty and disorganized apartment (school really takes soo much effort that making sure things are organized really get put on a back burner) and I'm going to go and do a good and healthy food shopping at whole foods. As much as food has controlled my life and I hate that it has and it still does. I have to take control of it and integrate it throughout my day.

I have a very very busy day tomorrow. I have to wake up early and write a paper. Procrastination anyone? and Then study for a final through my two classes and then take the final. Whoopie I can't wait!

Good night everyone
~Jenna
 
I woke up this morning and the first thought that came to my head was "Ughhhh today is going to be a horrible day." Well that's always a wonderful way to start the day. I had to wake up about 2hours early after going to sleep too late last night to write a paper I didn't write last night. Then I get to study for a final in one of the hardest classes I have ever taken. All this means that I probably won't eat as much as I should when I should (but not the wrong things) and crash when I do get home from school (later than usual so I can take this test) instead of going to the gym. :boxing: I really just can't wait.

Well now its off to writing my paper.
Wish me luck on this wonderful day!
~Jenna
 
Hey you,
Thanks for responding in my journal. I wasn't in a good place. I hope your finals and papers go well!

always
natalie jo :)
 
Well today was not as horrific as I thought it was going to be. Waking up at 5:30 in the morning never makes the day seem like its going to be wonderful. However, like most things in life I can't blame anyone but myself. Of course I didn't get to eat and didn't get to the gym as predicted. There are worse things in life.

There is a ton of traveling for me over the next two weekends. Tomorrow morning I must drive home (to new york) to see my baby brother and cousin graduate from high school. When we were little a four year age difference seemed like forever. Its probably why I still refer to him as my baby brother. I try to not go home to often. I grew up in an extremely unstable household and eventhough things are "stable" now (LOL yea right... its really just pretend) there's always soo much drama. All my grandmother wants to talk about is my weight don't get me wrong I love her to death and we are extremely extremely close its just that I beat myself up over it enough. My mother became disabled 4 years ago. Lastly, my other brother is just out of control (no other way to describe it). Of course while I'm home there's no gym to go to and I'm going to do my best with the eating but its hard when you don't have full control over where you go to eat and what food is in the house.

Then next weekend my boyfriend and I are going to visit his family in NJ. It will be a much less stressful event. However, I run into the same problem with the gym and the food.

I feel so imprisoned by food. It has such control over my life. It always has. It was used to control me by my family and I've let it control my body and my life. I'm trying to take control now its just sooo sooo difficult. I know what I have chosen to put into my body and the size I allowed myself to balloon to is my fault. Its just my whole life is governed by it now and I HATE it. I want to take control over my own life. I'm tired of everything being an internal and external struggle. I have often wanted to give up and I have but this time I refuse to.

well goodnight
~Jenna
 
I hate that food can so easily control your life. I wish you all the best of luck in going home for a visit. You obviously love your grandmother, so maybe you could ask her nicely not to discuss weight with you, that it makes you uncomfortable. Tell her you are working out, trying to eat well, and are working towards a goal. Maybe she'll understand. If you can get to a computer come in and post, it may help.
 
Good luck on your journey

You have a new life beginning. I wish, when I was your age, I'd done just what you're doing right now. You've realized how important the future is and I wish you all the best on your weight loss odyssey.

Rene
 
We can buddy up...

If you have a computer at home ... you can always come online and write in your journal ...maybe we can set goals ...and try to commence in making them happen ..maybe with some help from the forum while your home ...you can start walking outside ... its fun to walk outside .. I am ten pounds heavier .. I just get right out there and walk about forty five minutes to an hour ...

best of wishes hun on your journey ..
I will tty soon

always
natalie jo
 
Nataliejo: Thanks for the suggestions. I am going to bring my laptop home with me so I will definitly be able to come on here. I will try and do some things while I'm home. Its just that when I'm home I pretty much become my mother's slave... drive her everywhere, just keep her company blah blah blah. I don't mind it but I get no me time and its very frustrating.

My main goal while I'm home is going to be not to eat disgustingly (or really cheat at all). I know we'll be going to fancy and yummy restaurants. MMMMmm do I love fancy steakhouses at 9 at night after graduation!!!!. I'm also going to the dentist Friday morning because I've had my first toothache for the last month on and off. So if i need to get some dental work done then I won't be able to eat post graduation dinner anyway!

Starting monday I'm gonna shoot for the gym no matter what. I've also decided that I'm not going to weigh or measure myself until July 1st and then July 15th. I'm too obsessed with the short term numbers than the overall picture. I need to think of the large picture more.

~Jenna

P.S. -- One plus of going home is FREE LAUNDRY!!!! lol!
 
I don't have time to read your posts, and I regret this, but I do want to wish you a great day! Keep going!

Selena
 
hey everyone thanks for stopping by and giving me your support. It really does help and make me feel better just to know there are others out there I can relate to. The first day home hasn't been too bad especially since the focus was on getting my brothers ready for prom tonight. The one who graduated last year is going with a friend. My brother whose graduating has a gorgeous girlfriend. I met her for the first time tonight.

I spent four hours in a car today driving from Boston to Long Island. So no exercise there. Then I had to follow my brother's to the high school so they can leave their cars there so they can drive home after prom, after the city, and after senior night. Senior night is how they make sure that no one is drunk or high, everyone who goes to prom is required to be at the afterparty at the high school by 3am. Then they make them pick up their cap and gown at 8am and have graduation at 5pm. Its all in an effort to keep everyone out of trouble. After all that rambling that whole paragraph was to say that I didn't get any exercise today.

I didn't do badly on the food front today. I certainly didn't eat enough times but I didn't eat anything bad for me. I had carrots and freshly made mozzarella (I love how it melts in your mouth) for lunch when I got to NY. Then there was tons and tons of running around. We had a late dinner because my mom, dad and me all fell asleep on the couch while watching tv. Group nap! For dinner we had Japanese Hibachi I had chicken and Shrimp and I got brown rice instead of fried rice or noodles. Eventhough I really wanted fried rice and noodles LOL!

Well that's it for tonight.
Goodnight everyone,
~Jenna
 
One other exciting thing. I put my jeans on today for the first time since the end of may... and... they were much looser on me:jump: They were sitting on my hips instead of my waist and they were just loose all the way through. It made me feel great. I love when I can see some sort of results it makes it all worth it.

Goodnight again,

~Jenna
 
Boam46 said:
One other exciting thing. I put my jeans on today for the first time since the end of may... and... they were much looser on me:jump: They were sitting on my hips instead of my waist and they were just loose all the way through. It made me feel great. I love when I can see some sort of results it makes it all worth it.

Goodnight again,

~Jenna
Click to expand...

::does happy dance::
I love that feeling too!
 
Hey You,

Good Job! That is so awesome. You are going down a size ... :)

I am actually doing the same .. my shorts I bought last month .. in the beginning of the month are loose to and doing the same thing .. I feel so good!:jump:

You Rock girl!
Keep on trecking ..:cool:


always
natalie jo :)
 
Today started out badly. I apparently had my first cavity so I spent the first two hours of the day in a dentists chair getting my tooth drilled and filled. Then my mother dragged me to get a manicure and pedicure and get my hair done. Why is this such a horrible thing? Well... I guess because i just don't think I deserve to have these things done. I don't see myself as pretty or anything so I don't think I should spend money on things like that. I don't know its a weird thing i guess.

The only good part of the day was watching my brother graduate (and my cousin). I can't believe it. My baby brother hasgraduated from high school. Its really amazing to me.

Well I didn't do too bad with the food today I think. For breakfast I had yogurt and granola, for lunch I had grilled chicken and cheese. Dinner was very painful for me. My whole entire extended family at a family style italian restaurant. I was sitting there watching them all eat all sorts of food I wanted sooooooooooooooo bad. However, I controlled myself I had some chopped salad, a piece of mozzarella, steamed broccoli, a small piece of grilled chicken, and a piece of broiled tilapia... o and my cheat two forks of linguini with clam sauce. There was sooooooo much good food to try and eat all floating around all sorts that I love and i resisted it was so hard for me but I did. Of course on top of everything else during dinner everyone is like what's wrong why aren't you eating try this. I just felt like a left out piece of shit. I already feel like I don't fit in anywhere with my extended family tonight it just felt magnified.

Then I was passed around by my family in order to get to graduation. Eventually so my father and mother could take the corvette I had to go with my brother (not the one who graduated he left earlier). However, my brother blasts the most horrific music horribly loud and refused to lower it. Eventhough I told him I had one of my migraines (i get them I'm goingto a neurologist in august the earliest appointment I could get!!!). Then after graduation to go to dinner my brother who graduated wanted to take his g/f in his car and just left, my other brother took some of my cousins, and of course no where for me, I ended up in one of my aunt's cars. Then after dinner I had to fight to get into one of my brother's cars they both just wanted to go out somewhere just screw me. It made me feel wonderfully wanted. So I end up in the barely there backseat of my brother's car (The one who graduated) where he feels the need to blast his system. The precious system. I was basically sitting on a huge woofer and there was no relief. My ears are still ringing and I can barely hear.

I just want to go back home to Boston. I really hate coming home I always feel horrible while I'm here. I just don't belong. I just feel like I don't fit in anywhere. So now I'm sitting in my den in the dark (because my bedroom has been strippedc of its cable and all sorts of other things) where I'm relegated to sleeping uncomfortably on the couch crying by myself. My family all just scattered. So here alone I am .....
 
Boam46 said:
Today started out badly. I apparently had my first cavity so I spent the first two hours of the day in a dentists chair getting my tooth drilled and filled. Then my mother dragged me to get a manicure and pedicure and get my hair done. Why is this such a horrible thing? Well... I guess because i just don't think I deserve to have these things done. I don't see myself as pretty or anything so I don't think I should spend money on things like that. I don't know its a weird thing i guess.

The only good part of the day was watching my brother graduate (and my cousin). I can't believe it. My baby brother hasgraduated from high school. Its really amazing to me.

Well I didn't do too bad with the food today I think. For breakfast I had yogurt and granola, for lunch I had grilled chicken and cheese. Dinner was very painful for me. My whole entire extended family at a family style italian restaurant. I was sitting there watching them all eat all sorts of food I wanted sooooooooooooooo bad. However, I controlled myself I had some chopped salad, a piece of mozzarella, steamed broccoli, a small piece of grilled chicken, and a piece of broiled tilapia... o and my cheat two forks of linguini with clam sauce. There was sooooooo much good food to try and eat all floating around all sorts that I love and i resisted it was so hard for me but I did. Of course on top of everything else during dinner everyone is like what's wrong why aren't you eating try this. I just felt like a left out piece of shit. I already feel like I don't fit in anywhere with my extended family tonight it just felt magnified.

Then I was passed around by my family in order to get to graduation. Eventually so my father and mother could take the corvette I had to go with my brother (not the one who graduated he left earlier). However, my brother blasts the most horrific music horribly loud and refused to lower it. Eventhough I told him I had one of my migraines (i get them I'm goingto a neurologist in august the earliest appointment I could get!!!). Then after graduation to go to dinner my brother who graduated wanted to take his g/f in his car and just left, my other brother took some of my cousins, and of course no where for me, I ended up in one of my aunt's cars. Then after dinner I had to fight to get into one of my brother's cars they both just wanted to go out somewhere just screw me. It made me feel wonderfully wanted. So I end up in the barely there backseat of my brother's car (The one who graduated) where he feels the need to blast his system. The precious system. I was basically sitting on a huge woofer and there was no relief. My ears are still ringing and I can barely hear.

I just want to go back home to Boston. I really hate coming home I always feel horrible while I'm here. I just don't belong. I just feel like I don't fit in anywhere. So now I'm sitting in my den in the dark (because my bedroom has been strippedc of its cable and all sorts of other things) where I'm relegated to sleeping uncomfortably on the couch crying by myself. My family all just scattered. So here alone I am .....
Click to expand...


Sorry 'bout the cavity. I seem to have them a lot. I was raised on well water without flouride and there's no relief in sight for me.
And I know all about family. I'll sum it up. My mom was raised psuedo-stoic. Apparently it has something to do with my Great-Grandmother being a half-blooded Indian. She was stoic (not showing emotion) and it filtered down. Hugs and kisses are a rarity from her and my dad. My dad is just a general jerk and used to be the school bully. His idea of constructive critism is to tell me I'm fat and leave me crying, seeming to think this will change me for the better. He belittles me and my mom and keeps my mom from having close friends, but, of course, my dad has an entourage, just no real friends. My brother is normal, but he's been brain-washed to think he's better than me. He is the last remaining male to carry on the family name. I, personally, think this branch should die out and leave the world a better place. He has a bumpin' system too, but I love it. Music is the ONLY thing we seem to agree on. There's more to this story and I could tell it for years. I wanted to express that normal people do come out of families like this. Look at us!
 
Sounds like the day went bust hun .. lol

"Heres to better days ahead!" Cheer Cheer Cheer! lol

It sounds like you really too your diet, or life change, right to the dinner table. Thats awesome. Usually when I am in a rest I order a grilled chix ceaser salad and than top it off with a sundae ..lmao ..so you did better than me ...

but I only eat at a rest once a month, its my bfs and My way of a romantic night ...I love his romantic nights ..:)

You have an awesome day tomorrow! Talk to you than!

always
natalie jo :)
 
I'm really sorry you had such a bad day. I hope tomorrow is better for you!

I have to ask... why don't you feel like you deserve good things? You need to realize that you ARE worthy of love, affection, and comfort. Before you can make a true life-changing plan stick, you need to focus on YOU. Hope I'm not coming across too harsh, but I understand where you're coming from. Been there, done that. The hardest thing to change your mind about is yourself. Go ahead. Start getting massages. If you can't get them, go for a 30 minute chair massage, usually about 15-20 bucks. Just think, that would be what you would spend on one meal out.

A favorite mantra of mine: Appearance dictates perception. If you appear confident, deserving, and self-assured, people will begin to think of you as those things. If you appear timid, unworthy, or like you don't like or respect yourself, people will treat you that way. Make sure you know that your opinion matters. Appearance is something you can assume easily. I'm not talking about being thin or having the best clothes, either. It's about self-respect. Respect yourself first, respect others as well, and you will get the respect you deserve. If you don't, then I feel bad for those people because they are unhappy with themselves and have to put others down so they feel better. Classic bullies. Family is really bad about this sometimes and they don't even realize it. Stand up for yourself, and if they get mad about it, well, at least you know you did the right thing. They will come around eventually.

Sorry for rambling.
 
Hi everyone,

Thank you for your support. Sorry I havn't posted in a few days. I forgot the power cord to my laptop in NY. Very stupid move then it was delivered a day late to the wrong door in my building LOL.

Everything hasn't been so bad. After friday night things went better. My grandparents came over for a BBQ on Saturday. My grandmother told me she could tell I was losing weight and she was proud of me:jump: Its great to hear something positive for a change. On Sunday before I left my father sent me and my mother shopping. Always fun.

I havn't gotten any real exercise but my eating has been going very well. On Monday I went to Whole Foods (its such a great supermarket) and bought alll sorts of fruits and veggies. I've been trying really hard to eat multiple times a day.

Yesterday I had a peice of cantelope (spelling?), then a plum a lil bit later, then for lunch I had a multigrain wrap with herb roasted turkey breast (at whole foods there's not processed cold cuts its an actual roasted turkey breast) with fresh mozarella cheese, then I had celery, then for dinner I had 2 eggs with some cheese, and lastly I had sugar free ices.

So far today I've had a banana and cheerios.

Once again thanks for your support its been hard not being able to come here.

~Jenna
 
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