~*~ Confessions and Thoughts of a Girl Looking to the Future~*~

Glad you're back! I was wondering what happened to you. ;] Sounds like you're eating way better than me. hehe. It's not that hard to do. I think it's amazing if I cook something reasonably healthy that my house full of picky eaters likes too. I spent an hour cruising through recipes online that would satisfy dietary and taste standards. My point is, of course, to keep up the good work and I'm glad you're back! :]
 
Today I attempted to go to the gym but it was freakin literally 100 degrees outside. All that would do is make me have an asthma attack (and I don't currently have any of my meds). I'm going away to my b/f's family this weekend so there will be no gym visitation then. On monday I start my next and LAST!!! semester so I will be able to get myself on a better schedule. My class doesn't start until 1:30 so I will probably go to the gym after I drop my b/f off at work at 9 and then go to the gym before class.

I think I did really well today with food... banana and cheerios for breakfast, some carrots for a morning snack, a salad with turkey and only a drop of balsamic vinegar and a plum for lunch, peanuts and grapes for a snack, and I had trout with some cucumber and raw red bell pepper... I had planned to cook the trout on the bbq but while I was away my b/f used the bbq and forgot to close the gas when he was done so there was no gas... so instead I cooked it in the oven...I'll probably have a sugar free ice before going to sleep.

Its now been almost a month since I started my new healthy eating lifestyle and I have not cheated once. This is the best I have ever done. I've decided to not weight myself until July 15th. From then on I'll weigh myself on the 1st and 15th of each month. I've decided for a mini goal that I would like to lose another 30 pounds by graduation. Graduation is in 64 days (Aug 30th). I really think I can do it especially if i get myself working hard in the gym.

I've been thinking about why I am (well i guess now was) a binge eater. Everyone in my family has always tried to restrict everything I took into my body. I always felt that when it came to food I was missing something... having my food so controlled since I was about 4 years old (and i was just slightly chubby then). I have memories of being embarassed in camp by my counselors who would give everyone else in my group candy but wouldn't give me any. How they would make fun of me. It still kind of hurts when I think about it. What my family did hurts too.... although my issues with my family are soo much deeper than my food. My emotional releases were self -harm (cutting (often stretch marks so no one could tell), hitting myself, drugs.. and other things)... I used to put eating as a separate category than self harm for an emotional release but now I realize that my eating was harming me too I just wish I realized that earlier in my life. I love my family... I really do... and although we're still dysfunctional ... we're much better... I just still hurt from the past... I can't go into it more now b/c I'm already crying. My third emotional release was always sports... I always played multiple sports at once ... and I was really good too ... I even played in all guys leagues a lot.

Speaking of sports I would really like to get into sports again once I lose some more weight. I'm thinking martial arts (something I've never really done took a few classes in elementary school), tennis and softball (the two sports I've trained in the most). I think playing sports again will bring some more happiness to my life... help me feel better about myself. Then maybe once I feel better about myself I can get into painting and sculpting once again. I feel like my life has spiraled away from me. I want to do the things that make me happy, i want to feel good, I want to have control!!!

I'm sorry I know this is a really long post but I've just been thinking a lot and I really wanted to get it all out.
 
Still no rain to get rid of the humidity. The weather people really have no idea what there talking about!!! Promises of relief so I can breath and then it doesn't come. I've finally gotten myself to have the motivation to clean ... there is hours and hours of cleaning to do in our small apartment. I'm up for it just a lot of motivation. I think once the apartment is clean I'll start to feel a little better about myself. I think the mess in the apartment came from the same lack of caring i've had about myself. I really have to change it all!!!

I realized today that my whole body is starting to feel different. I don't really get hungry b/c I'm eating consistently throughout the day. At the same time I don't always feel stuffed. I used to always feel full to the brim after I ate. Its hard to not eat everything on my plate because Its there. Its nice to eat and feel .... statisfied... i think that's the best word statisfied and not stuffed!:)
 
Today I did some cleaning. It felt good I am by no means anywhere near done but its started. I figured if I do a little every day for the next week I will slowly be able to get it all done with out overwhelming myself.

Food today: an Apple and a few 7 grain crackers for breakfast, a peach, a few strawberries, lunch was a few small peices of leftover chicken sausage and carrots, dinner I had multigrain pasta with all natural mari nara sauce and some cheese, a sugar free ice. I feel really guilty abotu the pasta I dont' know why I couldn't even finish a bowl when I used to polish off more than one and it was multigrain and all non processed food. I have been eating whole wheat/multigrain bread and wraps... Its all in my head.

Well I'm finishing up work for my online paralegal class (its finally over) and getting ready for my trip to NJ this weekend. Then on monday my last semester starts .... its very bitter sweet for me. Lots of things left to do before I go to sleep!

Goodnight
 
I am starting my third year going for my bachelors.... have a long road ahead of me ..lmao

Sounds like your doing great Jenna!:jump:
New Jersey huh...interesting ..
I am originally from NY ... Queens...

moved to NH when I was nine ... I am truly a NE girl, but NY at heart.

but I hope your trip goes well and your semester turns out awesome and you finish well!!

wishing you the best and hoping to hear from you soon ..
thanks for stopping by my diary

always
natalie jo :)
 
Natalie: Thanks for stopping by... its nice to know someone is reading:)

My boyfriend is from NJ we're visiting his family. My family is from Long Island, NY... i grew up right on the border of queens.

I'll try and update everything later ....

Thanks for reading... have a good day
Jenna
 
This last week has taken sooooooooo much out of me... going to NY last weekend and going to NJ this weekend. I feel like I havn't gotten a break. Driving to NJ is worse because I hit soooooooo much more traffic it took five hours each way. My poor kitty had to come along this weekend... she doesn't like car rides tooo much. Then today as we were about to leave to come home my b/f accidentilly locked the keys in the trunk.... so we had to wait an hour and a half until someone came and unlocked the car... tons of fun!!

I havn't eaten anything bad but I havn't been able to eat how I would like.... and of course I havn't gotten exercise. But I am one month into this journey, I have lost at least 15 pounds (next weigh in and measure on July 15th), my pants are baggy and almost falling off, I have not cheated (eventhough I have been soo tempted), and I am feeling better than I have in a long time.

Tomorrow is a new day... and I'm really gonna get myself on track:
-Eat good foods a few times a day
-Go to the gym Monday-Thursday before class (I'm not sure of Fri-Sat yet)
-Get my apartment clean
-Get some exercise at home
- Try not to Stress and worry too much

My next mini goal is to lose another 30 pounds by August 30th my graduation.

Well I'm very tired and I'm gonna try and sleep.
Goodnight!
 
Hey Jenna,
Tomorrow is another day ..another day to jump back on the band wagon!
You are doing so good .. I think I am just about down another pant size .. my size 24 shorts fit again somewhat ..they are a little tight in the middle ...but its all good ...

I am happy to be leaving size 26 behind ... but I will be taking along time before I fully reach size 24, so I am going to shoot for The end of sept to October to buy a couple pair of jeans and shirts ...

This month I am looking at buying one or two new shirts ...

but with the bench .. I will probably lose weight and I have started doing sprints ..long sprints in my back yard ...wow ..do they take the breath right out of you Jenna!

anyway .. keep your head up hun ..so you had a weekend you couldn't completely eat the way you wanted to ...
like you said
there is tomorrow!

best wishes
always
natalie jo :)
 
Food is such a battle for me. I really get a lot of cravings but I havn't caved in... its just so hard. Today I ate: honeydew, peanuts, an orange, turkey on whole wheat, salmon burger with broccoli and cauliflower and some cucumbers.

This morning I went to the gym I did 45 minutes really hard on the elliptical and then I did a slow pace for 15 minutes.... a whole HOUR without a break. I really couldn't believe it. Then I went and did an ab workout and a little weight training... I ran out of time before I had to go home shower eat and run to school. I'm gonna go back tomorrow.

ooo... yea... I also got an exercise ball and a jump rope so I can do some work at home too.

My cloths are definitly starting to fit differently. I can now pull my jeans on and off without opening them (its still a little tight to do it but I can! lol). I'm going to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving (my grandparents are taking the whole entire family for their 55th wedding anniversary) so I will buy some new cloths then. Until then I'd rather not waste money on cloths that aren't going to fit me in a little bit... how do i know there not going to fit me... because I am not giving up this time!
 
Cravings are the worst! I've been trying to commit to eating healthy for the longest time and I still have cravings, but the longer I go without eating sweets, the more I don't want them and crave other more healthy stuff.

Good job on the clothes getting looser! It's the greatest feeling in the world knowing that you're about to go down a size!

-Lindsey
 
Great work, it is always nice to see positive changes in the way your clothes fit :jump:
 
You rock Girl!
Treat youself with clothes later instead of eating food you wish you didn't want to eat ..change the way you think almost ..get a hair cut soon ...do things for rewards instead of food ..focus on those rewards and you will look forward to thos material rewards instead of the food rewards!

I am starting that this month. I am buying one or two shirts this month that will last me till
October ..by October most likely I will be almost twenty pounds less than I am now ...

keep up the good work .. your determination shines through!

always
natalie jo
 
Natalie, Lindsey, True: Thanks for stopping by. Getting support feels great!!

Today I went to the gym again... and I did the 60 minutes on the elliptical. Except I had to really mentally force my body to...
By like 15-20 minutes my body was like I don't want to do this don't make me do this im tired. But i worked through that for a few minutes then next thing i knew it was 45 minutes and I was onto my 15 minute cooldown!!!
I felt so so so great afterwards.
I'm realizing mental determination can really help me pull through a lot.

Food Today: yogurt, turkey sammich (whole wheat bread), orange, peanuts, multigrain pasta with chicken, no sugar added fudge pop!

I don't know if I'm gonna make it to the gym tomorrow I have plans for the morning and its closing early because of July 4th. If not I'll try and get some exercise in at home.

I think I'm finally starting to maybe a little bit feel good about myself or atleast the things im doing for myself.
 
Great work pushing through that mental barrier, you should be proud of yourself :)
 
Boam46 said:
Natalie, Lindsey, True: Thanks for stopping by. Getting support feels great!!

Today I went to the gym again... and I did the 60 minutes on the elliptical. Except I had to really mentally force my body to...
By like 15-20 minutes my body was like I don't want to do this don't make me do this im tired. But i worked through that for a few minutes then next thing i knew it was 45 minutes and I was onto my 15 minute cooldown!!!
I felt so so so great afterwards.
I'm realizing mental determination can really help me pull through a lot.

Food Today: yogurt, turkey sammich (whole wheat bread), orange, peanuts, multigrain pasta with chicken, no sugar added fudge pop!

I don't know if I'm gonna make it to the gym tomorrow I have plans for the morning and its closing early because of July 4th. If not I'll try and get some exercise in at home.

I think I'm finally starting to maybe a little bit feel good about myself or atleast the things im doing for myself.
Click to expand...

Thats awesome Jenna! Congrats on keeping on track with the work out!
It can be hard for me sometimes to go out and walk, but my mental motivation kicks... I picture myself a thinner and healthier me, knowing full well the only way I am going to get that way is if I just do it...
so I do it...

Great job on your diet ... that is so awesome!

Your doing so great, you should feel good about yourself!

I feel beautiful since my haircut ..lmao ... wierd!

ttylater hun
always
natalie jo
 
Its that wonderful time of the month... and of course I get really sick sometimes. This happens to be one of those times.
I tried going to the gym yesterday... no go... too sick... however, I did manage to do some stretches and crunches at home!
I just tried going to the gym this morning still too sick... too too too much pain...
Due to the wonderful things I have done to my body with the use of many many strong pain killers things such as tylenol, advil, aleve, asprin ect... don't really do much for me....
LUCKY ME!
I still have to find a way to feel good enough to go to class later... stupid attendance policies.

Starting today I am going to wear my ankle weights all day everyday again... just a little bit extra while i'm walking around and moving... hopfully I'll feel better at the gym tomorrow...

10 days till my next weigh in.... I really gotta get moving!! My b/f keeps saying my body is "streamlining"... I always laugh after he says that... it just sounds bizzare.

Speaking of bizzare I've been having these really weird dreams.. there's this thick semi translucent steel door floating around somewhere in the dream ... there's an eye in a circle centered in the upper portion of the door watching everything I'm doing in the dream.... and there's the androgynous voice speaking about ... "its watching you" ... "it knows everything".... "it wants you to keep going" and all sorts of weird things... what's going on in the dream doesn't matter.... Then even more creepily ... i woke up 2 nights ago in the middle of the night and breifly I hallucinated this translucent door floating over me in the bed for a brief second... it really really freaked me out.

Food wise I havn't been horrible... just nothing exceptional...
So far today I had cheerios (with almost sour milk... I barely put any milk in and b/c I dont' feel well my taste is off so I didn't notice at first ... wonderful) and an orange.

At the gym I'm having trouble deciding what I would like to do when it comes to weight training... I have done a lot of weight training over the years... but I'm not really at the point where I want to build a lot of muscle mass... I am doing an hour of cardio and an ab workout everyday... but when it comes to the rest of the body I'm still unsure about what I want to do...

Sorry about the really long post.
Have a good day
~Jenna
 
On top of everything else I am now extremely dizzy and nauseous froma migrane that is coming on. I've been getting them since December/January. When there coming on my whole body chemistry changes and the back right side of my head just feels like its about to burst. My Primary care physician gave me this medicine.. zomig... that is supposed to stop them. It barely works... I have an appointment with a neurologist on August 16th... I made the appointment like a month ago... after being passed around through 5 neurologists at the hospital that was the first appointment they could give me... well hopefully then they'll be able to figure out what's wrong.

I just needed to vent because this was the last thing I needed today.
 
Boam46 said:
On top of everything else I am now extremely dizzy and nauseous froma migrane that is coming on. I've been getting them since December/January. When there coming on my whole body chemistry changes and the back right side of my head just feels like its about to burst. My Primary care physician gave me this medicine.. zomig... that is supposed to stop them. It barely works... I have an appointment with a neurologist on August 16th... I made the appointment like a month ago... after being passed around through 5 neurologists at the hospital that was the first appointment they could give me... well hopefully then they'll be able to figure out what's wrong.

I just needed to vent because this was the last thing I needed today.
Click to expand...


Oh sweetie! I'm sorry about your migraines! I get them too. As of now, after 6 years of doctors and neurologist and different meds and diet changes and you name it, there has been no pin-pointed cause or effective treatment. I've had migraines since I was a child, but I didn't have medical care until I got married. All I can say is I totally sympathize and I sincerely hope that you can find what causes them. I know two ladies that found out that tomatoes and charcoaled food (like on the grill) caused theirs. So there's hope. I hope you feel better. (Try taking a benadryl. If anything, maybe you can sleep it off.) ::hugs::
 
Thanks for the hugs .... Migranes are soo horrible. I was able to make it to class and made it home. I'm hoping I wake up feeling a ton better tomorrow and can make it to the gym. I really wish this wasn't the last class I was taking ... a 200 level sociology class after you have completed the major really is of no interest. Especially when it is full of people who are only taking it to get a diversity credit.

On a positive note I wore my ankle weights all day. I have to try and remember to put them on every morning. It feels like nothing but then when you take them off my legs feel so much lighter so I can tell there doing something.

I was wishing I had the money and room for an elliptical at home because I would spend a lot more time throughout the day on it. the time I spend sitting and watching tv and reading oreven on the computer I can do while I'm moving if i had one.

Food today: cheerios and an orange, 2 hardboiled eggs, steak tip sammich, and a no sugar added fudge pop.

10 days till weigh in... I really want to see results then. I measured myself except I never marked exactly where on each body part i measured so its gonna be hard to get measurments again.... like I measured my upper arms but I don't know exactly where on the upper arm i measured.

I'm still trying to figure out what would be a good weight training schedule and routine. I feel like when I'm at the gym I don't spend enough time but I only have a specified time period I can be there... I drop my b/f off at work at 9 go to the gym then I have from 9-12:30 to workout, go home, shower, eat, and get all my crap together for school. Then by the time I sit in traffic and get home from school its time to pick my b/f up from work... make dinner, do schoolwork and relax... I'm not sure how to make more time at the gym.

Just somethings for me to ponder about...
ttyl
have a good night
~Jenna
 
Still not feeling great this morning. I still have some of my migrane... pretty much just a remnant headache and I still have cramps =0( I'll be feeling better tomorrow though!!! Then I can go back to the gym. I was very upset this morning that I still can't go to the gym.... but my b/f told me not to feel bad that I shouldn't push myself when I don't feel well because then i'll just make myself sicker. Tomorrow I'll be there. For today I'm gonna wear my ankle weights so what little activity I do will be doing something.

Food today so far: hard boiled egg and grapes. Probably going for smoothies when i pick my b/f up from work later... yum!

have a good day
~Jenna
 
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