I've come a long way....
I figured i should do a post on my progress so far (of my emotional state of mind). I've just dug up a post below of which i had written about the point when i hit rock bottom and decided enough was enough. I wrote the post early this year, and the original post is in black, but i've just today added the text in blue to show what progress i've made since then.
I've been really hard on myself the past couple of months but looking back at this post i think i've come a long way and should never forget that. I need to keep reminding myself where i've come from so that i don't loose sight of where i'm going.
Anyway, Here's the post:-
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1) I LOVE TRAVELLING but stopped because not only could i hardly fit in the plane seats but was scared i'd be asked to buy two seats....so saved myself the trouble and haven't travelled in like 2 years even when i had the opportunity. By the way, the last time i travelled ie 2yrs ago, i had marks on my legs for months from the indent the arm rests of the plane made from the many hours of seating.
- i'm glad to report that i have since decided to stop putting my life on hold and start living like a normal human being, so this year will hop on a plane and go home to visit my family and friends for the holidays, i can't keep hiding from the world.
2) i haven't been to a movie theatre in 2 years for the same reasons as stated above, the last movie i saw in the theatre, i was suspended in mid air in my seat because my ass/hips couldn't go all the way down. i was in so much pain, i don't even know what the movie was about.
- there was one movie that i had to absolutely see at the theatre's this year which was michael jacksons THIS IS IT and i decided i don't care even if i won't fit in the movie seat because i really wanted to see it, and so i actually went and to my surprise i was able to fit into the seat YAY! and absolutely loved it and was so glad i went. it also makes me know that the 40+pounds i've lost this year are actually gone
3) going out with my thin friends and them getting free drinks left right and centre and getting hit on, but no drinks for me and not even a glance in my direction. the only men who ever came up to talk to me were actually just asking for my thin friends numbers. the past two years i've been out about 5 times.
- well, i'm going home for the holidays next week so will find out if this has changed...but this time will have a different attitude, if men don't approach me it's their loss, i'm a good person and beautiful inside and out and don't need free drinks to know that. i'm learning to love me again which i haven't done in years.
4) going to the plus size clothes store and immediately trying out the biggest size of clothes, out of every 10 items i try only having one fit very tightly. i haven't been to a clothes store in months, and now shop online for PLUS PLUS sizes.
- i've also noticed a slight change in this as well, i'm still wearing the biggest size of clothes however more stuff is fittting me now, and i actually get to leave the store with some purchases unlike before when i'd just run out in tears because nothing would fit! looking forward to working my way down the sizes.
5) when i was younger alot of people would tell me i had a pretty face and just needed to loose some weight and i'd be fine. the past few years, even the pretty face comments subsided because of how much weight i've added and has puffed up my face with extra chins, cheeks etc
- well, i've been hiding from the world alot and this time going to show myself over the holidays, but this time will love me for me, just as i am, and don't need to be told i have a pretty face, because I AM BEAUTIFUL (i really have to keep hammering on this, because i can hopefully start believing it the more i say it)
6) i can go on and on and on. but will leave it at my number one and the one thing i hate most about me now. I HAVE BEEN WEARING THIS ONE HUGE JACKET EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE, I CALL IT MY HARRY POTTER INVISIBLE CLOAK BECAUSE WHEN I'M IN IT I FEEL INVISIBLE TO THE WORLD, AND LIKE PEOPLE CAN'T REALLY SEE HOW FAT I AM. EVERY PIC IN THE LAST TWO YEARS I'VE HAD THAT COAT ON...AND I WANT TO THROW IT AWAY....NO I WANT TO BURN IT! I HATE IT AND WHAT IT REPRESENTS AND ONE DAY I HOPE I'LL LOOK BACK AND SAY I'LL NEVER EVER COME BACK TO THE ROCK BOTTOM POINT I WAS IN JANUARY...hence i made my lifestyle change on february 1st. I still wear my jacket because i don't have any other that will fit for now, but i'm waiting for it to get really loose before i dump it for GOOD.
- this jacket is now on it's last breath...i'm glad to report i've since found nice trendy jackets/coats that i wear instead, but abit too often i find myself grabbing the good ol jacket because it makes me feel invisible....i'm seriously considering trashing it for one of my new years resolutions, it's one of the things i'm holding onto from my past that i need to let go off since it reminds me of such a dark time in my life when all i wanted to do was hide from the world.
7) oh sorry, i have one last major one, last christmas and new years were the first holidays i've ever spent alone in my entire life. i told everyone i spent it with friends I LIED. i lied to them because i was too scared to hop on a plane to go see my family because of the reasons i've mentioned in point 1 about not fitting into plane seats. the feeling of hearing/seeing everyone with family when i was alone watching cable eating every form of junk food known to man was.....DEPRESSING. that was my rock bottom, that was when i knew it all had to end...and that i needed to change.
- i can gladly report that this year i said screw it, i'm going to hop on that plane next week and i'm going to see my family. another reason i didn't want to go last year was because i felt fat and ugly and wore almost the same clothes everyday because nothing else would fit. this year i don't care about the exterior and superficial nonsense. i'm going to do this for ME and for my family who love ME. i'm really looking forward to going home, and even though at the back of my mind i still have lots of insecurities about how i look and how i hardly have anything fancy to wear, this time round i'm shoving the insecurities and putting ME FIRST!
