Cate's Diary

Cate, so sorry to hear that you have been having a tough time lately - don't beat yourself up about not posting around on the boards enough - you have to concentrate on getting to a point where YOU feel better rather than worrying about us lot :) Your posts are always so supportive so how about letting some people support you for a change!


Big hugs.
 
jjjay- that is very sweet of you. Thank you! I am coming out of the fog again but I really do hate getting down & not having enough energy to do the things I would like to do. I won't be around much for the next few days. It is actually lovely having my nephew & his wife & children here. He is my late sister's only offspring & I would like to be a better aunt/great-aunt than I am. I think they know that i love them though & everyone seems so busy these days. It will be fun/exhausting to have our grand-kids up here with them on Sunday night. It has now turned into a dinner party of 14. 14!!!! Holy cow! How did that happen? I'll just try not to think about it too much! Unfortunately the weather is atrocious. I am tired so may get an early night tonight. Love to all xoxo Cate
 
AGood to hear you are doing better Cate! 14...14??? That's not a dinner party, that's a full time catering job...at your own house!! I'm sure everyone will have fun and hope they appreciate what Mom, grandma and Aunt Cate are doing! I hope as well that you get some sunshine and fresh flowers...that always helps me when I have some blue days.
Love ya,
Sarah
 
wow!!!nowthats going to be lovely!!!!all of you together!!!!dont mention not posting you are always the best friend to us and you always support us we ALL love you and understand i hope you have a great fun time!!!
 
AHeya sweetie :grouphug:

I am really sorry that i shocked you with my self loathing rant. I wasn't going to say anything but i thought i should be honest. I was feeling 'i can't be bothered' and 'i don't care' too and it really scared me. I am so scared that i will go back to what i was and let you all down. But, i'm in a much better place mentally right now and i am going to try really hard to stay positive. I don't think i will ever be able to say 'i love me' but i am aiming for acceptance :)
Again i am so so sorry if i upset you. Don't ever worry that you haven't posted on my diary sweetie, i know that i can talk to you if i need to and that you would always be there for me. I love you :grouphug:

Look forward to hearing about how your huge dinner party went.

Lots and lots and lots and lots of great big squishy hugs my lovely :beating:
 
Thanks so much everyone. I have really just been incredibly busy since last Wednesday, either getting my house ready for our visitors and/or driving them around being a tour guide etc. All went well & they got to see my Mum every day & also lots of tourist things, including the Mole Creek Caves, which was a really good first experience for all 4 of them. It rained almost non-stop for the first 2 days but we really did pack lots in anyway. While we were lunching at the deli on Sat. the family at table next to us had a long-nosed Potoroo in a box, that had a broken leg in a splint. The father had accidentally hit it with his car. Photo-


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Then a woman I know came in & I remembered that the last time I saw her she had a Wombat wrapped up in a coat so I went & checked with her & the Californian reli's also got to pat a Common Wombat. We had seen Wombat scats (square) on our block the day before.
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Of course they will go back to California & tell their school friends that in Australia you can go to the deli for lunch & pat wildlife!! FUNNY!!


On Sunday I went & picked my Mum up & brought her out to our home for a few hours so she could just watch the kids play. Then we went to lunch & my LH drove her back, while I took the reli's for another drive & out to the Chudleigh Honey Farm, which they ALL loved & bought lots of jars of honey, which they planned on taking back to the US. The Honey Farm at Chudleigh is wonderful. Google it & check it out. They sampled about 30 honeys I reckon!!

We also visited Ashgrove Cheese farm & they loved that too. There are so many places in Tasmania that they would have loved but the places I took them gave them a taste(pun intended) of what we have to offer & I feel that they will return again one day. Hopefully they will spend more time.

The dinner party on Sunday night was so that our US reli's together with their Tasmanian family. It was 15 (whoops!!!! I had not factored in our OS's GF!!)

They were-

the 2 of us, both of our sons, our 3 GK's(12, 5 & 4), my US nephew, his wife & their 2 kids( 10 & 7), our OS's GF, our OS's BF(who had stayed with our US nephew in 1999 when the 2 of them travelled the world for a year) & another friend of our OS & his BF(who they had travelled with in Slovakia), who was visiting from Melb, & also one of his house-mates(female.)

While I was tour guide for 3 days my LH cooked & cooked. We couldn't all fit in one car & he was quite happy with the arrangement. Sunday night was a HUGE success & everyone got on like a house on fire. It was fascinating really. The visit went much better than I ever imagined it could.

My LH worked yesterday & I drove them to the airport early & then came home straight away. I was KNACKERED!!

As soon as I got home our OS was already here, with our YGS. He left after a while & then I had C for the day. I then had to get our GD off the bus at 3.30pm & then our OGS off the bus at 4.30 & had all 3 kids for the night & had to do the same in reverse this morning, getting them ready for school & on buses etc. I still have the little fella & he is watching TV right now. Both our sons have gone bush-walking & then our OS will pick him up about 2pm, when he drops our YS back home.

PHEW!!! I'm tired but feeling really good. My last week has been a bit of a whirlwind but has been very positive.

July challenge-

I am going to ride a minimum of 80km(50 miles) on my stationery bike & I am going to exercise for 60 mins per day at least 5 days a week & 30 the other 2 days. I am gooing to start back doing my light weights, try an exercise DVD that I have, which is a cross between old-fashioned aerobics & Zumba & I am back to feeling pretty good really. I feel focussed again.


Our YS flies to Canada Thursday of next week. He wants to have a serious talk with his older brother so I hope he gets a chance today. It is very important but it is hard to find the right time as either his GF or his kids are with him most of the time. I think our YS is also worried that his older brother seems troubled by a lack of money & I have a feeling that he wants to tell him how much he admires how well he is doing with the kids & what a great person he is. I ma so proud of both our sons & love that they love one another so much. Telling his brother about a personal trauma that he has experienced, connected with his Canadian GF will bring them even closer I think. Both sons are inclined to keep really deep problems to themselves & most of us know that a problem shared is a problem reduced. It is too hard to try to imagine what is wrong. I am very grateful that our YS can talk to us, even if it may cause me stress. It is better to be able to understand him. Our recent conversations regarding his risk taking behaviour have been very positive & he has taken it onboard. I feel much more positive about his future now.

Phew!

I seem to have made up for a few days here & had better finish right now.

Please accept my apology for not addressing you individually. I hadn't realised that I had not checked my diary, although I had peeped at others quickly over the w/e.

Lots and lots of love, xoxoxo Cate
 
AHoly moly Cate!! When you catch up, you really catch up! I love that July challenge! Quite impressive! I look forward to hearing about your progress!!

Welcome back!!

Sarah
 
AHello my lovely :)

Wow, you have been busy :) Glad you had a good time.

I'm loving the july challenge, sounds great. I think my challenge is going to be to get back to the lowest weight i got to.

Sending you lots of love and hugs sweetie :grouphug:
 
Hi Sarah. I kicked off with 17.5km on my bike yesterday so feel my distance challenge was a modest one. I think taking the time to do exercise EVERY day would be a better challenge, but then meeting & surpassing a challenge is good too. My yesterday's post could have been triple the size but I stopped myself! When I'm feeling positive, I'm feeling POSITIVE and am probably bi-polar, but steer clear of accurate diagnosis, as I manage & the highs & lows are not as severe as they were when I was younger. No matter what anyone says, being labelled & medicated is not without it's stigma. It is good to feel well again & not down. I know it always passes. If it ever takes too long or gets worse I will re-think it & get medical help. xo Cate


Hi Kate. It feels really good to be back & also to have provided my US family with a really good, positive Tasmanian experience. I do love showing off our beautiful state! I think it is very important to my nephew to still feel connected to his late mother's close family. It may be more important to his wife to maintain that connection on his behalf, but that's ok too. Her family are Chinese & mostly live in California also so she makes this effort for him, which is lovely. My nephew's father, (my sister's 1st husband) lives in Melbourne, Victoria & they visit him every couple of years. I think next time they will come over here again, hopefully for a bit longer & hopefully they will take my car & go off & do their own thing & see more of the state. It was lots of fun seeing the Tasmanian kids with the Californian kids! My sister would have LOVED to have been here too. OMG I miss her still and obviously always will. Lots of love & hugs right back at you sweetie, xoxo Cate


Mum- Rang our home at 5am this morning. My LH answered & she asked him "When are the American's leaving? I'm up & ready to see them off." Oh dear. They left 2 days ago. She is totally confused. I had better go in & visit her today & explain that they did say goodbye on Sunday & were leaving early Monday morning. As it is we only just made it on time as they dithered about & left their kids in bed until 5 minutes before I said we had to leave. I couldn't believe it!! Poor Mum. She is getting so confused. I wonder how long it will be before she loses the plot totally. Hopefully she won't have too much anxiety or worry. Mostly she's in a happy place.


Time to move I think. I have been doing washing galore with GK's, visitors, YS etc & am only just catching up. I will miss our YS so much when he goes. Only 1 more week!!

Lots of love, xoxo Cate
 
:iagree: I totally agree about being labelled. (and also about medical help when it's needed.)


Your family visit sounds a knockout -- so much going on, in so many ways. It sounds like you did really well , and it went brilliantly! but also... :) I feel for you, as your mum finds herself more and more in confusion. I'm glad you have so much good family feeling to help you all negotiate what's usually a very hard business. :)
 
Thanks noparsnips. It is hard at times with Mum, but overall I'm still really glad that I brought her over to live near me. She seems to be worse after a visit from family but then usually settles down again soon. I won't hesitate to get help with my depression hangs around any longer than one week next time, regardless of stigma. I am tiring of it & it gets harder & harder to beat. Thanks for your visit to my diary np(I seem to have it in my head that you are a Kate but am not sure!) xoxo Cate


Exercise challenge for July- minimum 80km.

3rd July 17.1km

4th July 12.6km

Total so far this month- 29.7km.


Weight today- 79.5kg, after a week-end of over-indulgence with my US relatives. Happy with that because I am feeling good & feeling slim & only 4.5kg over my lowest weight.


The 2 of us have our OS & his daughter, who is home from school with a rash, & our YS for the day. The 4 of us were going to spend the day together driving around & having lunch somewhere but instead we'll spend it at our place. Our YS still hasn't had a good talk to his brother, which he really needs to do before he goes to Canada. Hopefully today so they can get a chance to have a decent talk.

I am going to lose at least one kilo this month I have decided. It's time to kick one kilo up the bottom!! My clothes are feeling quite loose at the moment which makes me feel so much better about myself. I don't want to start dropping another size but I do want my things to be loose. I'm happy with being a 14. It's my natural size. I am happy feeling fitter & want to get fitter & fitter so I will!

Lots of love to all xoxo Cate
 
I do not want to read back over my last post as I'm sure in between then & now I had a major brain fade. I spent hours yesterday crying and have been to a new doctor this morning & done lots more crying & now am on an anti-depressant. It is the mildest dose of Pristiq 50mg (desvenlafaxine). Our OS had taken our GD to this doctor yesterday morning & said she was really nice & good to talk to, so after yesterday's brain fade I decided to see if I could see her when I took my LH into town. I'm glad I did. I am going back to see her again in a week & she is going to book me in with a Psychologist again as part of my health plan. She was horrified that they had encouraged me to take myself off their long waiting list 6 months ago. I feel better for having talked to her & even for deciding to get medication, although I am yet to tell my LH or YS. She said that I am obviously a very caring person & must learn to let other people's problems fall away from me, rather than absorbing them. This I know but it still helped talking about it all. I feel very drained this afternoon. I actually told my LH yesterday how I felt about myself & he was really shocked. I have never really told anyone, except my younger sister as I don't like worrying people if I can avoid it. I told him that i thought than no-one much would miss me if I was gone, including our 2 sons. They would really miss him, but not me. I am always being told what a wonderful man my husband is. Always. My nephew's wife was raving about him as I was seeing them off, my OS's GF was thanking him profusely for a great meal/evening on Sunday night & then said to me "Um....& thanks for the wine" which she hadn't had any of anyway. I agree with everyone that I have a lovely husband but often think to myself "& I'm ok too". Don't be upset on my behalf or think I am being unreasonable but I hear so much praise for him & so very little of me that it is hard to have high self-esteem. It is a fact. I know I'm a good person. I know I'm very caring. I know I do have good qualities. Yesterday it all got to me & some of it boiled over. I know that my husband was really shocked, especially when I told him that I have always felt that no-one much would miss me if I died. Half my life I have felt almost invisible to most of those around me.

OK- I'm not reading this back over. Don't be afraid to say anything you like. I hope that medication will have me back on an even keel within a few weeks. I am so sick of trying to beat this on my own, but I don't want anyone to avoid me or to look down their noses at me taking medication. I am my own worst critic & I need to be very kind to myself & forgiving of myself & others. I am not sure that people know how fragile my ego is or maybe they might be a little bit more considerate. Who knows. Hopefully I won't get many side-effects. this time I am going to keep taking the meds for 6 months, regardless of how well I feel in a month or a week. I have read that weight-gain can be a side-effect of this drug, but that may be because people feel better & therefore eat more. I hope that I do not gain! Love to all, xo Cate
 
Oh my goodness Cate..before I say anything else...please just know that many of us here on this forum would miss you if you were gone...I miss you when you are away for the weekend, and can't even imagine you never coming back. I personally don't suffer from depression although my mother did and so does 1 sister so I saw it's effect on a daily basis while growing up and now I still see it with my sister. It's a strange disease and I'm glad you are seeking professional help. As for the side effects of the medication....it's most important to treat your mental health first...after that is stabilized, treat the weight...and maybe ask the Dr to try a drug in the same class that is not as sensitive to weight gain. Just know you're loved and even though we have never seen each other face to face, I count you among my friends...someone who has encouraged me, given me strength when I had none, given me hope when I felt hopeless...now it's time you receive a little of what you so freely give to others...that may not be easy for you so I will say a little prayer for your strength, mental health and self esteem.

xoxxo,,


Sarah
 
I was so sad to read this message.....You did the best thing to take care of your issues by speaking with someone pro and getting medication.I dont know much about this but i think that you should take all help given even if its med.There is nothing wrong with medication.Its to HELP!I really hope you get to feeling better and then really good about life.

Once i suffered from depresion while pregnant and that feeling was terrible.You are fantastic woman!I know for sure that people love you around you just from stuff you have mentioned on here....It is really awfull going through life feeling so bad.I wish the best and wish you see progress soon.

Dont stress to much about your food.You focus on YOURSELF and try to find little pleasures through out your day.

Thinking of you and sending you lots of love!
 
AMy darling darling forum mum :beating:

I just stared at your post.........totally lost for words (and how unlike me that is) I really had no idea how little you think of yourself. Ya know what, i'm really glad that you were strong enough to be so honest with us about something so personal. I am going to shout at you now.............no i'm not but.......

You made me go from this :eek: to this :cry: to this :cuss: to this :eek2: back to this :cry: and this :cuss: and then onto this :beating: :grouphug: :beating:

You really have no idea what you mean to every single person in your life....including us!!!!!! I want to hold your face in my hands, wipe away your tears, kiss your forehead then look you in the eyes and shout
Everyone truly loves you....You are a fucking awesome human being!!!!!!!!!

Check me out being all shouty :) Honestly my lovely, when you are in a better headspace you will see it but until then i will keep telling you how we all see you!!!! You freking rock :)

I totally relate to how you feel. I am pretty much the same. I think 'will Mark manage to bring Jack up on his own' but it never occurs to me that i will be missed. We are the kind of people who puts everyone and everything else before ourselves and i think that's the generous, caring people we are but when we are feeling low (like you do at the moment) you don't see the love and adoration that everyone around you has for you.
I am much better now than i was a few years ago and that is due to my amazing friend Rob. He really didn't understand my self loathing and made me explain to him why i feel like i do about myself and it really helped. I don't think i will ever be able to say i love myself, i really don't but when i am in a good headspace i do understand that i am loved and that i do mean a lot to other people. I am probably not making any sence as i (unlike you) am totally crap with getting what is in my head out properly (i need Cate to comment on here and for me to put one of those little dudes with an 'i agree' sign, nodding, underneath)

I am so so glad that you have got meds from the doctor. i never want to say to anyone 'go see the doctor and get meds' but for me it has really really helped. Depression is a nasty illness with such a stigma and it really shouldn't have. One in three people suffer from it at some point in their life!!!!!!!

I could go on for ages but i wont. Just gonna say i love you, here for you and sending you lots of great big rib cracking squishy hugs

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
 
AYou were the last thing on my mind when i fell asleep last night and the first thing i thought about when i woke up this morning!!!!

It was 2 days ago that you posted on here....Where are you my lovely?? Please come on just to say 'hi' Cos i am worried about you :beating:


I really wish i could be there in person for you. :grouphug:
 
I didn't mean to worry you I'm sorry. I was overwhelmed by your(Sarah, Jess & Kate) kindness & couldn't find the words to reply. I am so sorry. I'm feeling a little stronger mentally but suffering from what may be some side-effects of the medication, including being queasy & very short of breath. I have managed to exercise still & a lack of appetite has seen me keep within my calories. I didn't look in the forum last night Kate so didn't realise that you were so worried. I'm sorry sweetie. I should have realised! You're a carer, like me! Love you!

Last Thursday was as low as I have ever got & it frightened me. That is why I went to the doctor first thing Friday. I had convinced myself that no-one much would miss me & that just shows how my brain was malfunctioning. Scary.


One funny thing about it all to share with you though-

I was sitting at the doctors bawling my eyes out and telling her how happy I am with my life! I actually said that is how I know I need medication.

I am giving these pills one week before considering changing them. I have an appointment to see her again on Friday.

I just remembered another funny thing from my visit. She gave me an analogy of picturing myself as a bottomless rubbish bin. When people dump all their problems(rubbish) on me I should just move on & let it fall away. Considering how fragile my self-esteem was on Thursday picturing myself as a rubbish bin was probably not the best image of myself to even consider. I understand what she was saying but it did make me laugh internally later.


I'll be right. I'll make sure of it. Letting my LH know probably wasn't a bad thing, although it really shocked him. He's one to always say "You'll be right" and hopes that things just evaporate of their own accord but I don't think it will hurt him to be more aware of how comments affect me. I am ALWAYS being told what a lovely man he is & how lucky I am to be married to him. I don't think anyone considers that this may leave me feeling a little undervalued. I often get asked what I do or how I fill in my days. He is a lovely husband & I am lucky but I do know that he feels the same way about me & I do know that he would really miss me. I'm in no doubt about that.

Enough of my mental state!


I am eating well within my calories as I'm not hungry, but I'm making sure that I eat very healthily & I am still exercising every day, even though I ma short of breath. I actually feel quite slim at the moment. I loved Jess's post about being happy with herself how she is now!! That really made me feel good. Love you Jess!

I still want to drop a few kilos just so I have a little leeway for travel. I must keep thinking that we will make our trip next year, although the thought has been a little daunting lately.

I woke up early this morning & couldn't get back to sleep but I can hear my LH showering so will finish for now. Lots of love to my beautiful, caring WLF friends, xoxoxo Cate
 
Hi cate,


I've seen you around and finally got to visiting your Diary. So sorry that you are struggling right now. I used to suffer from clinical depression so I understand to some extent what you are going through. I don't have many words right now, but just want you to know that I am rooting for you and from what I can tell you are an amazing person. Clearly, lots of people here agree with that :)


Sending many wonderful thoughts your way,


~Ava


(P.S. - I will be back to check on ya ;))
 
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