Cate's Diary

AHey there my lovely :grouphug:

Sorry if you thought that i implied that you were having a go about people not stopping by your diary. I really didn't read it like that. I (being the usual me) just felt bad because i knew i had been a complete and utter crap friend (and forum daughter :) ) I was kinda wallowing in my own self pitying world and didn't think about others. That was really selfish of me. You ALL have been so so awesome for me and have got me to where i am today. I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say that if it wasn't for you guys i would still be a size 20 and terribly unhappy. It just made me realise that i have been neglecting everyone (especially my special mum) and i'm sorry. :grouphug:

I am so sorry you are feeling so low at the moment. I can totally relate. I have taken the chemical route, as you know, and it really did help me through all the stress, worry and highs and lows over the last year. If you feel that you need some help, even if it is only short term, then go and see your doctor. There is no shame in admitting that you need help my lovely, none at all. Do you remember us talking about a 'Dr who' style warp door, where we can just turn up at each others house? Well, picture me stood at your door with a lovely bottle of Merlot and a great big squishy hug for you. :grouphug: I really hate knowing that you are hurting and i can't do anything for you...............Hope my soppyness hasn't made you cry! If it has, i hope you have a smile in there too. Love you, my awesome internet mum, you fucking rock!!!!!!

I have started cutting down my meds to one every other day this week. My life is a bit more stable so i thought i would give it a try.

Well done on still eating well when you are feeling down. That is so impressive, i have used it as my excuse to eat badly over the last few months. Very proud of you.

Love and hugs mum :beating:
:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
Kate, sweetie, I was out last night at 8-ball until late (80km return trip) & I have been at golf all day & am about to go to a bloody 8-ball meeting (same 80km return drive). I'm feeling much better today thank goodness but am absolutely knackered!! You did make me cry this morning but then I did smile, but I just didn't get a chance to properly reply, without bloody weeping, so I jumped off the internet quickly & headed off. You are an absolute darling & I love you. I won't have time again today or tomorrow morning either as I have to go to the optometrist tomorrow as well (same 80km return trip!) I am so tired sweetie but not feeling bloody miserable! Love you, I really do, xoxoxoxo Cate

PS My group won the golf day!! (net 76- apparently very good & we blitzed them! according to my team I can no longer be considered a beginner. I got nothing but huge praise but i still think I mostly played crap!) I'm still not 100% certain I want to play on Wednesday's though. It is such a LONG day!
 
Happy you are feeling just tired and not miserable anymore.It does sound like a very tiring time now so make sure you do eat good and stay strong,

Thinking of you !

Congrats on not been considered a begginer aswell!!!(how many cals does golf burn do you know?)
 
Hi Jess, Thanks sweetie! Golf burns heaps of calories- 270 mins-1548 cals!! I used to put that in when I was caddying for my LH but it was wrong, so wrong to do so as PLAYING golf as well as pulling your clubs is almost twice as exhausting!! I was STARVING afterwards & could have eaten much, much more but only took 2 slices of gluten-free bread to have with the soup & sandwiches they provided as a welcoming thing. The 4 women who had lessons were invited to play with the women & they put on a soup & sandwiches "lunch" afterwards. i could have eaten 3 times the quantity of soup(small cup) because I can't eat any sandwiches but they would have thought I was a pig! Next time I play I will take much more food! It was fun but I'm not sure I'm up to playing 18 holes every week. My LH says I would get used to it quickly but I'm not so sure. Mind you, I'm feeling pretty good this morning. Maybe this is a way of getting some flab off my legs. Golfers have great legs!! LOL. That would be a first! Thanks for visiting Jess. I miss it when you're not around, xoxo Cate


Time to go for my optometrist's ap't. New glasses coming up, not before time!! I may keep my red ones though, perhaps just as reading glasses as I have become quite attached to the, They are French & pretty, but not very practical as there is just not enough space in them & my peripheral vision is poor with them.


Lots of love to all, xoxoxo Cate

PS. It seems I have avoided medication again, for now. Exercise, exercise, exercise & healthy eating = much happier Cate.
 
i totaly agree with using exercise as a drug.I know i may not help someone that has serious condition but it sure helps to get you pumping with energy and enthousiasm.


Golf burns so many calories!!!!!!!!!!Its great!!!!Take along some fuit,a slice of breas with something else you really like.DO not stsay hungry you know that!!!Im just pointing that out!!!!


Nice so very nice to hear you are feeling good again i agree with your LH ,you can only try it out and see how it makes you feel!!!
 
AHeya Mum

Awwww you are just too lovely.....Love you too :grouphug:
Sorry i made you cry, i kinda knew it would but i neede to say it.
I am so so glad that you are feeling better in yourself and i totally agree with the others, exercise can work wonders mentally and eating healthy has the same effect too. I love how it helps me, lets hope you can stay ontop now :)

You, my dear, sound just like me. I am convinced that i am crap at everything and you are the same.....Take the compliments hun, you are obviously awesome at golf even though you haven't been playing for long. I love that i can say things that you have said to me back at ya :) And check out the calories you burn doing some you are naturally great at!!!!! Totally jealous!

Lots of great big squishies :grouphug:
 
Where do I start?

This week has felt like a roller coaster ride!

I enjoyed playing the ACTUAL golf, but didn't enjoy ANY of the compliments or comments or the part afterwards where we had to join in the afternoon tea that had been put on especially for us, the 4 beginners. I couldn't wait to get away! I don't feel like or think I would ever feel like one of them. Individually, the 3 women I played with were very friendly & pleasant. Put all the groups together inside the club house & I felt like I wanted to be anywhere else. I felt any praise for my game was over the top. Seriously! I know my game is not awesome or brilliant. I have only just bloody started, for goodness sake. I haven't a clue which club to use half the time or how hard I'm meant to hit it! I really don't like false praise or insincerity. One of the women said that I can longer be considered a beginner! AFTER ONLY ONE GAME!! That is so wrong. I want to ease into it not feel so pressured.

Ideally I would like to have a game of golf once a week, perhaps with just a couple of the women & MAYBE join the women next year, but maybe not, when I feel more competent and confident & have a clue which club to use etc. I know that I am my own worst critic, but really I also know that I am not awesome at golf. I have only ever followed men playing golf, so have that as my yardstick. I am much more used to the company of men & feel more confident among them.


I am not like these women. Most of them are good cooks, eat lots of sweets, drink instant coffee, wear makeup, lipstick & perfume etc, are scared of small creatures & are quite domesticated, whereas I only eat gluten-free, drink herbal tea, avoid sweets like the plague, am allergic to most fragrance, hate makeup, love native creatures (I rescued a small bat from a sink during the game & they were horrified!) & I felt like a bit of a freak. I express my feelings & get excited & I felt that will be frowned upon. I want to play to have fun & for the exercise but I just don't want to JOIN the women. I appreciate their efforts in trying to make us feel welcome but I felt overwhelmed by the day & mentally & physically exhausted by it. Also playing 18 holes every week would be too much for me I think. It is such a long day. It seems like the staying afterwards for ages is the norm as well so disappearing as soon as you finish the game would probably be considered anti-social.


Also they don't stop to eat as they play- you have to try to wolf down food as you tear around the course! They eat afterwards at about 2.30-3! I had my breakfast at about 7.30am!


New glasses- Non-existent. I had my appointment & discovered that one of the cataracts that he had told me last time were starting in both my eyes, was actually in the centre of my right eye. He just said it in passing as I queried why one letter would be blurry, with all the others clear. He said my eyes had deteriorated but not by a lot. I asked him how much it would cost to have my current red frames turned into just reading glasses as my glasses have only a very limited reading area & I read a lot. It was only about $80 so I decided to do that. I also said I wanted transition glasses this time as I never have my eyes protected from the sun any more.He really tried talking me out of transition lenses & went on & on & said I would be better off with separate prescription sunglasses.

Now, not only would that cost double what I was about to spend but also would mean always carrying another pair of glasses with me most of the time. No way am I doing that. I have a very minimalistic small handbag, once again, unlike most women. I also said that I have limited funds now as I can't work any more.

Off I went & tried to find some frames that I liked & that suited me. I can't possibly explain how I felt when I started. Most of the frames were $300-450 which horrified me but I just couldn't find any that were right for me. My current pair leave me with little peripheral vision, are quite heavy & you can see the frames too much. I wear them all day now because I need them for reading, watching tv & also driving. I could not find any that I really liked or that suited me. There was one pair that did but they had orange down the side & I hate the colour orange. The 2 women who work there are going to do some homework for me & I will go back in the next couple of weeks & try again.


My LH & I talked about it on the drive home & we both had a bit of a rant about bloody fashion & brand names on glasses & the ridiculous cost of their frames. I told him I will try to find some in Launceston when we go there week-end after next. I had wanted to change optometrist but he hadn't wanted to & didn't understand why I wanted to change.


Jess, Trusylver & Kate-

I should have replied to you first as my ranting & raving has made me crabby! I needed to get it out of my system but it means I am now finding it hard to reply to each of you. I will just say thank you very much for now & will come back later today. I can't bear to read back over it. Sorry I'm so grumpy! Much love, xoxo Cate
 
AI really feel for your problem finding glasses, although I don't wear glasses I went through somthing similar 2 weeks ago trying to find suitable frames for my eldest son ack. As for transitions, my husband love the transitions, was there somthing in particular you optometrist doesn't like about them or was it just to try and sell an extra pair ?

Don't worry to much about the golf ladies, you are different and that is perfect for you, you should not feel the pressure to conform.
 
Thanks Trusylver for wading through that last post & replying. I don't want to read back over it! My sister tells me I can ask for the prescription from the optometrist & take it anywhere else, but I'll have a look around first & see if the others are any better. I really think he was trying to sell me a 2nd pair (3rd pair really as I am going to have my current frames made just for reading.) I don't feel so bad today but have slept so much in the last 24 hours! I was miserable last night & over-ate yesterday badly, which of course, only succeeded in making me feel worse. Today is another day!! Re: the golf women- I don't want to conform I must admit, but I do feel so different. I felt like I was a total nut case yesterday!! This week has just been too much for me really.


Today- I am picking my Mum up at 11.30 & taking her to lunch. Then I will do my shopping & then picking up my MIL & another old woman & taking them out to the golf club for their Life Members Day afternoon tea. The weather is atrocious. My poor LH! He will be leaving soon & it is bucketing down!


Medication- I think I will try it but need to work out which doctor to talk to. I miss my lovely,female doctor! Making an appointment would at least be a start. I'll work up to it. I've been doing lots of research, through tears, of medication, side effects etc & it is daunting. I'll try what a very nice friend of mine has been taking as hers is also a low dose & she hasn't had side effects.


Lots of love, xoxo Cate
 
Yesterday- While I didn't feel like going anywhere or doing anything I didn't feel miserable & pushed myself out the door. I picked Mum up & took her up the street for lunch at the deli. It bucketed down & I took her back fairly early & then killed time just wandering around looking in the op shop, library etc. It was still way too early to go to the golf club but I went to my MIL's anyway to have a cuppa & she tried hustling me straight out the door & making out like I was late, which she always does. I think it's the wishful thinking thing. She is so keen to get out and about so she wishes everything to be earlier. Apparently she had 2 phone calls from the other woman that I was taking & between them they must have decided it was 2pm that I was picking them up as when I got to the home she had been sitting near the entrance for half an hour waiting for me! The 2 of them said it was a shame that another woman who also lives in the home (who wasn't a life member) hadn't been invited so I said I would go & ask her if she wanted to go too, which I did. It was funny because I felt like I was "kidnapping" olds from the home! The 3rd woman looked embarrassed as she looked down at what she had on & declined, but obviously with disappointment. I said "Amy, Look what I'm wearing- who cares! You look fine!" so she went off & got her coat & a scarf & put some lippie on & off we all went to the golf club. I got some funny looks from staff, but had signed them both out, & said they were with me so sure wasn't doing anything wrong. I usually make the residents laugh in there, which is good. There are some lovely people in there & some don't seem to get any visitors & I usually chat away to them & clown around & have fun.

I don't know what Mum thought watching me taking off with other women & leaving her behind! It felt really funny (in a good way!) & of course we were early!! I made them all coffees & made sure they were right & got them "home" about 4pm. I enjoyed their company (except for my MIL really as she is embarrassing at these things- her ego is massive!) One of the women who has all her mental faculties is 92!! She's fascinating!


Today- I feel even better today, which is a big relief. I decided to try reducing my coffee in the morning & also stop taking Phenergan at night. I have been reading up on depression and anxiety & the things you can to help with it. I do most (eat healthy food, exercise, take Vit D....) but the Phenergan that i take as an anti-histamine, is also a sedative & I have woken up feeling much better the last 2 mornings without it & have also slept well. I also need to get up first thing in the morning & not go back to sleep when my LH goes to work early. No getting around in my dressing-gown. Even getting up & putting on my sneakers instead of slippers is saying today you are going to be active. I'm not discounting medication at all as I am sick of constantly battling this.


We are having a day at home together, which is nice. My LH is reading & watching an Aussie Rules football show while I type in here. It's time to do some housework & potter about.


Tomorrow- I am going to have our lovely grand-daughter for the day as her school is having a student-free day. I hope I have our younger GS too as it's much easier having both as she is a little chatterbox & follows me around & never ever stops talking, whereas when it's the 2 of them they go off to "their" room & play games together for ages! Our OS is going to let him decide on the day whether he wants to go to daycare or my place.

Love to all, xoxo Cate
 
AHeya my lovely :)

First of all, going back a few posts, i totally get what you ment about the woman you play golf with being 'false' i hate people like that. They kinda undermine your obvious natural ability at golf by going OTT on the praise and ya know what.....It's probably jealousy. Ok,so you are still learning but you are obviously good. Don't feel preassured to do anything or BE anything you don't feel comfortable with. You are YOU and that person happens to be totally fucking awesome!!...............Just thought i would say :)

I love how you talk about your grand kids. I can totally feel the love, even when you are talking about the little chatterbox follower lol.

Go with what you feel regarding the meds. I have done a week of cutting mine down now and i'm fine (other than my chocolate inhaling session today lol, actually i don't think that has anything to do with it) I only have one on a mon, wed & fri and i seem to be doing ok.....so far.

You, My lovely, are just the most wonderful person. I loved reading about you and your group outing to the golf club. You are so amazing to take them all out. I know what you mean about how sad it is that some residents dont get any visitors. I saw that when i visited my nan but at the home she was in they were far to frail or had such severe dementia that they couldn't go anywhere. Towards the end my nan couldn't either.

Love and hugs mum :grouphug:
 
Oh sweetie, I love how you get what I'm saying & do understand me & where I'm coming from. I love our grand-kids so much & cherish the time we have together. Our son's marriage breakdown, whilst very sad, I think will make us much closer to the grand-kids. I want to be a part of their lives as long as I live. We had a lovely day today. Our little grand-son had a circumcision last week & the poor little mite is very tender & self-conscious. He's a darling. They were very sweet & affectionate today. I had a very active day 7 didn't get to sit down, with my feet up until 6.30pm. We took the dogs for a walk mid afternoon.

I have the women's golf back into perspective & may join them later on when I feel more competent at it. I'm not in a hurry to spend a long day out there in the middle of Winter. I have sent off a deposit & a membership application to join the club & will play with my LH and another woman who had lessons. We used to work together in an office. I really like her & she feels the same I think. We're not quite ready for the full-on women's comp. just yet! I feel that I am doing the right thing by supporting the club & will be able to play whenever I want or enter any comp's I want, without paying green fees. I'll ease my way into being a golfer first before competing. It was fun taking the elderly women out to the golf club & I'm sure they got a buzz out of it. I personally don't like people fussing over me, but found it a little disappointing that there were not people there to really fuss over them. The women members were noticably absent.

Kate you really are a good friend & provide me with a lot of moral support. I love true friendship & really wish you did live nearby! I'm glad you have decided to keep typing in your diary & I think it will help you to stay focussed. We will all detour along the way on our quest to get to our goals, but we must have fun along the way. It's possible to find a balance & I think we do a good job. Thank you sweetie for being such a lovely friend, xoxo Cate
 
AHello my lovely :)

Jack has a great relationship with my mum too. She looked after him when he was little while i worked and then had him in the holidays when he wasn't at school. He hardly sees Marks mum as she has never really shown much interest which is a shame. Jack totally has my mum wrapped round his little finger and i really think she misses the cheeky little bugger he was when he was little. Mum was never as active and 'bonkers' as you though :)

http://weight-loss.fitness.com/image/id/361770/width/350/height/453
This is him at 5, cute huh!

Glad you had a good day hun, i personally give you permision to have a glass of red :)



 
Just had to put this on too! 1984- our YS(R)@ 2yrs, OS(D)@4yrs. They're still close & cute, but 6' tall!!



Jack is adorable Kate. He's the age our OGS(A) is now, too. Tricky time being in between a boy & a young man. Hormones hey? I only miss mine very occasionally! A is still very affectionate, but only when there's no-one else about & there's a back scratch to be had!

Lots of love, xoxo Cate
 
Picking up on something a few posts back -- yes... golf ought to be the really perfect exercise, combining the finesse of a game of snooker with the freshness of a country walk. But I know what you mean about golf clubs or the teams or something -- I've been a guest at open days or charity fundraisers, and tournament days, and the culture feels a bit deadly -- and I think once you actually got in the club, and there was pressure to be in the competitions, or to stand for committee -- well, at least it's not like women's bowls, with all the bossiness about the right length for the uniform. :leaving: (Or is that all in the past?)
 
AHeya Mum :)

Your boys are just adorable :) They obviously had a lot of fun with the starts.

It is hard being 13. Especially for me lol. He can be lovely one minute and stroppy the next.
I had a good day today and one comment, or should i say, rude grunt, from Jack and it put me on a real downer. I know how their hormones are all over the place but he really doesn't think before he opens his mouth. Maybe it's me, i am worried that i felt really low over something small cos i am cutting down on my meds. I dunno, i am going to keep going with only taking them three days a week for a few more weeks and see how i am.

What bloody headcases we are huh.

Here's a photo to make you laugh :)

http://weight-loss.fitness.com/image/id/361926/width/350/height/536

Hope you had a good day today my lovely. :grouphug:




 
noparsnips- I think most groups of people can be bossy or try to impose their standards or rules upon you. I'm going to do what I want to, when I want to do it & won't be conforming to anyone else's dress standards. There is only one woman who is rude & bossy & only 1 other who I really dislike, so that's not bad out of a group of over 20. I'll just stand up to them if I need to. I'm in no rush to start playing with the women, no matter how much pressure I get. Thanks for your visit to my diary. Cheers, xo Cate


Kate- I thought I had replied to you before I went out but it must have been in your diary only! I'm not so sure about you cutting down your meds, without first consulting your doc. Be careful sweetie please. I still think I will get a very low dose one like yours is & see if it makes me less reactionary to other people's problems & to life's stresses. Yours is only so mild that it should not have significant or any side-effects. I will try to see a doctor while I'm feeling OK so I actually get there. You probably know what I mean. When I'm feeling really bad I can't face talking about it! This week I will try, although I am having visitors next week. My nephew from the US & his wife & 2 kids are coming just for a few days & I will be picking them up & taking them around. He is my late sister's only offspring. He is not easy company & my sister thought he had Aspergers. He's a Math's professor in the US. It will be lovely seeing them again as his wife & I get on REALLY well. I will be so happy if they have brought some of the things my sister left me in her will 7 years ago! I won't hold my breath though. They could probably do with me visiting them in California & helping them sort out their stuff first. I'm feeling good again today & weighed 79kg this morning!!!! That was a bonus! I have gone 4 nights now without taking Phenergan & am waking up much brighter. I am taking a different anti-histamine at night now as I am very snuffly if I don't. Your Jack is really cute Kate. Deep down he is still that Jack! Maybe it's very deep sometimes, but it's there. Lots and lots of love my sweet friend/daughter, xoxo Cate

:biggrin: PS- DID I MENTION THAT I WEIGHED 79KG THIS MORNING!!!!! :biggrin: YAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! :biggrin: Only 4kg above my lowest weight in 40 years!!!!! :biggrin:
 
AMorning my lovely :)

I usually read overnight posts while I have my breakfast but don't reply until this evening but........................

:hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray:

OMG!!!!!!!!!! 79kg!!!!!!!!!!!! That is sooooooooo awesome!!!!!!!!!

So so chuffed for you mum. :grouphug:

Xxxxxxx
 
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