Cate's Diary

AAH, Cate, that is so fantastic! Look at you, all motivated and zooming along (just like in your ticker!) - the weight is just dropping off you! You're going so well with your food and your exercise - sounds like this MFP thing is really working for you.

Congrats!!! :hurray:
 
Hi Joh & Kate :biggrin: & thank you for being my cheer squad. I'm going nowhere near the scales after eating lunch out with my older son yesterday. I tried picking a really healthy option at the Thai restaurant he likes but it had a really sweet, sticky, sauce & a mountain of rice. I think our OS thinks I have a border-line food obsession so I ate about half of it & then said I was full. I suffered this morning though with a huge thirst & such a belly ache & then it was like Mount Vesuvius had erupted. TMI-sorry! I seem to be very carb sensitive & I'm sure that's why I have lost 3kgs so far (probably had lost- past tense!) I am doing my own thing really but My Fitness Pal is handy to keep track of what you are eating & also possibly to stop me eating too little, which I am inclined to do, when I'm in weight-loss mode. I think it will help me feel that I am being balanced & sensible about it, rather than totally obsessed. :blush5: I scraped through the daily number of calories- just!

Lots of love to both of you & hi to anyone else reading my diary, xoxo Cate.
 
I have read around other people's diaries but I'm sorry I'm not up to adding anything anywhere because I'm not feeling up to much. I know I would end up in tears if I detail it here either. My day yesterday had me feeling very close to a nervous breakdown. It's Mum. It is stressing me out, no end. I felt so close to cracking up totally yesterday, but instead had a few minor crack-ups. I find myself getting really shaky & unable to think straight at all. It's quite scary. My LH (lovely husband) looked after me last night & fed me a meal of a beef burger, gravy, cauli, zucchini & carrots & poured me a glass of red wine (I drank 185ml in total) & I let him & I enjoyed it & I got through the day. I didn't sleep well. I only went over by 79cals on M.F.P. though & only because I didn't get in any exercise that I would count & I went to bed very hungry, possibly caused by the wine. I don't think I would have eaten at all if he hadn't produced a meal & sat it in front of me. I'm so lucky to have him. Typing that made me a little teary. I know I'm depressed. The care assistant that I rang to apologise to (for Mum's behaviour really) sensed my despair & suggested I speak to their chaplain. Ouch. I know I need to get some support but am loathe to go talk to anyone else about it. I'll admit to a religious allergy.


Today has been lovely. My LH went off early to golf & will be away all day. I decided I would stay home & have a quiet day. Luckily I put on my "glamorous" dressing-gown & nice slippers as, not only did our OS(it's his birthday) & the 3 grand-kids visit but an old friend of my LH's, who I hadn't seen for about 2 years. He has known me mostly over-weight so when I said "Whoops. You've caught me in my dressing-gown"he said "You look pretty good to me!" My son had just commented on how nice I looked. They all stayed for over an hour & I had a quick shower while they had a game of snooker. It was an enjoyable visit & nice catching up with him. It was a shame he missed my husband but I will make a point of arranging for us all to get together. He is friends with my husband's sister & her husband & they knew one another when they all lived & worked in New Guinea for a while. Perhaps having them all for a barbecue together at our home would be nice.

I am hungry most of the time but am struggling to feed myself. I'm forcing myself to though. My stomach has been rumbling all day. I'll weigh myself on Monday.

The friend that visited gave me some really good ideas on how to cope with my Mum as he has been through it with his. His Mum is now in high-care & bed-ridden with dementia. I know it is going to get harder & harder so I have to learn some coping strategies.

Speaking of which having a nutritious lunch & getting outside are a very good start.

Love to all, xoxo Cate

PS I have not read back over this. Please excuse any typos or signs of insanity. Hopefully it's only temporary. I know I can't keep on the way I have been trying to. Mum is having me run around in circles & knows that I have a kind heart & have never argued with her. I had forgotten how she can be. It has been over 40 years since I left home. All the old stuff is quickly coming back as she no longer is putting on a front. I have an inkling now how my brother may feel with her so one good thing to come out of this may be to give me a better understanding of him. Not such a bad thing as we have never been close. xoC.
 
As the day went on I felt much better. I ate a yummy lunch- ham, eggs & tomato on one slice of gluten-free toast. I enjoyed every morsel. Tonight is a very healthy salmon fillet with all low-carb vegetables & no wine, followed by a fruit platter & some crackers later on. No exercise today either unfortunately. I will be within my 1200 cals though.

I did ring my older brother though & had a very good talk with him. I told him that I think I now know how Mum used to make him feel. I needed to talk to him to tell him how quickly she's deteriorating. He said it happened fast with her mother as well. I also needed to talk to him about money as Mum's house settlement is this week. All in all, while it was not a perfect conversation I didn't burst into tears, get stressed or angry so that's a bonus. It has probably cleared the air a little more. There is a lot of water under the bridge in our family. I then rang my younger sister to tell her too but broke down early but then recovered enough to end up laughing with her. She also neede to know. She doesn't want to be protected but I said it's hard not to feel like "the big sister." The proverb "A problem shared is a problem halved" in this case is now a problem shared is a problem thirded (no such word, I know, I know.) Just thought I would report back that I'm feeling much better tonight. I'll see how I feel tomorrow before I decide whether to visit or not.

Love to all, xo Cate
 
AHeya sweetie.

I don't want to go into details as i really don't think you need to hear my mums story on top of the hell you are going thru right now, but, itotally understand what you are going thru. Unfortunatly i have been there, done that. and not so long ago either so it's all still pretty raw. My nan, mum's mum sounds pretty much like your mum. I just wanna send a huge great big squishy hug your way and let you know that i am thinking of you. Much love. Xxxx
 
Kate, Thank you sweetie. You really are a darling. I was so grateful to see your reply & I appreciated that big squishy hug & the fact that you care. I'm not looking forward to the road ahead with my Mum & I am usually a looking forward to the future person. It sure is tough! Thanks again sweets, much love right back, xoxo Cate.
 
AYou are very welcome hun. I am here for you if you need to sound off, rant, etc. You are a wonderful person and it's sad you are going thru this. Like i said, thinking of you.

Huge Squishies Xxxx
 
Kate, you are a darling :beating:


Sat- was a good restorative day. I re-charged my batteries quite a lot. I kept almost within my MFP goals, without any exercise, except housework, which I didn't count.


Sunday- I had promised to help my LH with a golf comp. that he was running. He organised it all- 4 different golf clubs, with 4 teams each club- he did the invites, got sponsorship, did the drawer, the cards, sent all 62 off to play at the same time, from different tees. We had shopped on the way & gave them all morning tea & then as they came around we did a barbecue lunch & I did the bar. I stocked the bar up really well & also did the dishes. I left at 3pm when a woman arrived to do the bar as the President had arranged her too. I wasn't going to stay, unpaid, while someone else was getting paid to do what I would have done for nothing. My LH stayed on & worked out winners etc & awarded the prizes. When he got home at about 5.30pm he told me that about 6-8 people said to him to make sure he thanked me for doing such a good job. That's nice.

I still get anxious & have self-doubts about my ability to cope with certain things but I know that I am quite good at working behind a bar as we had our own business for 18 years & that is what I was best at. Even though I am not being paid anything I still believe in doing the job as best I can so I stock the fridges & the shelves, rotating the stock etc, put things on the list when they're low etc, tidy up & have it ready for the next person to be able to step in & serve, knowing that it is all good. They needed volunteers to do the bar next Saturday night for a 30th birthday, & my husband asked me if I could do the bar with him, but no-one can tell me how many people, whether they will have music, how late it will be etc. Apparently he put my name down, alongside his. He thought asking me meant that I would. There seems to be a pattern showing here. My mum thinks I will do anything that she asks me as well. I know the guy who's 30th it is. He was a friend of both our son's when they were teens & is in between the 2 in age. He's very nice.


"Fragrance"- I know that there will be a lot of fragrance at the 30th as most young people, especially males, drown themselves in stinky stuff. I have to weigh it up. It will mean a night at home on my own, after him being at golf all day as well or a night spent with my husband & probably pleasant young company but knowing that I will probably suffer from side-effects, including asthma. Helping with a day like yesterday is usually with nice old foges (my age & older te he) & some young, but hardly any fragrance & mostly they're outside playing golf. Perfume, almost all, & deodorants, except fragrance-free really affect my health & well-being. To me they stink. Really, really stink. Lynx is the worst. It's cheap & it's nasty. It's not just the cheap ones though- it's often expensive French perfume too. Sometimes people get offended that I have to get away from them quickly. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to pass out. I get dizzy, my brain gets really befuddled, I gasp for air & nothing except fresh air and usually my puffer gets me breathing normally again. You can stay away from most of the smells behind the bar but when I have to go the toilet it's unavoidable. That's where the women drown themselves with their perfumes or spray with stinky room "deodorisers." That is everywhere I go. Our son has got rid of the smelly deodorisers in the pub he's in & uses Eucalyptus oil spray which I can tolerate. I use that at home. Hopefully I won't develop an intolerance for that as well.


Whoops- I have gone on & on about fragrance. Sorry.


Weight- I knew that 82.5 could not have been my true weight. It didn't seem right. Monday is my official weigh day. I weigh 83kg. I have upped my food intake as losing 3kgs in about 5 days I thought was not good for me. I was so stressed that I didn't feel like eating at all & was forcing myself to eat something, but knew it was not enough. MFP will help keep me on an even keel. I need strategies to keep myself in check, especially when I'm under stress.


Strategies-

I will visit my Mum a little less. I will gently resist the pressure she puts on me to do things I don't want to & will try not to feel guilty for doing so.

I will tell the staff that I trust them to deal with any problems they encounter with her, without feeling that I must sort everything out myself.

I will do myself a timetable but keep it to myself so that no-one (incl my MIL) expects me on certain days. I will try to keep certain days each week always free for myself.

I will learn to say no, without guilt, to requests for help from anyone, when it really doesn't suit me.

I will remind myself every day that I deserve some free time where I can relax.

I will eat healthily & exercise every day & keep track of it on MFP.

I will stop worrying so much & try to relax.

I will start right now.


Lots of love to anyone who managed to read all that & not think I'm a stark raving mad lunatic. I have felt like I am one lately but I'm getting better. I'll get there.

xoxo Cate

PS- a sign of a stressed brain not working properly. I visited Mum before I went home yesterday & she was lovely. Then I felt guilty for how I had felt last week.:svengo:

I think it's a sign of what's to come so I had definately better prepare myself mentally to cope with the new reality. I know that I have done the right thing by her, moving her to Tasmania. I will look back hopefully & know that I did the right thing. I just have to learn to cope with it.
 
AHeya cupcake

Your strategies look like a great idea. :)
My Nan use to be really demanding on my mum and rather nasty to her most of the time. She did have some lovely days too but mum always went to see her expecting a tongue lashing!!! I would tell mum to stand up to her but she never did. I take it that you mum has 'old timers' I can't spell altzimers and that's what we always called it, even nan on a good day :) If you don't feel like you can cope with her on a paticular day then don't go, chances are she doesn't remember if you go or not. DON'T FEEL GUILTY!!!!!! You are being a wonderful daughter, you just need to remember that.
You must let the staff deal with her, it's their job! You will find you cope better with her if you don't feel that you are having to do everything.
I am being a bit hypocritical here but you must learn to put yourself first, for at least some of the time. I went to work for a charity doing dental treatment on people in Africia for a few weeks in '09 and one of the things i learnt from that experience was to stand up for myself a bit more and say no rather than doing something because others wanted me too (i know, it's an odd thing to learn but i think it was more of 'life is precious, try and live it for yourself') I am not brilliant but i am definatly better than i was.

Aww sweetie, it must be awful having the problems you have with 'stinky' people. Feel for ya hun.

Thank you for your lovely kind words on my diary, you are a truly beautiful person.
 
Cupcake, hey? Love that! Kate, you are very sweet & kind & you know just what to say at the right time. I'm the sort of person who worries so much about everyone else & forgets to look after myself. We're no good to anyone if we fall apart at the seams. I have decided to leave more things to the staff at the home & let them sort out most of the issues that arise. I'll protect myself a bit more. I've been so shaky & running around like a chook with it's head cut off. Time to slow down & relax a bit. Thank you sweetie, you're a honey, xoxo Cate


Today- was good. Mum rang to tell me she had an appointment to have her feet done at 10.30am and thought I would like to know. I asked her if she meant her hair cut, as we had organised for her to get her hair cut there at that time, but she didn't think so. I said not to worry as I would be there before then. I calmly rang the home & asked to speak to someone in the nurses station & the male nurse looked it up for me & said she didn't, so that was good. Mum hadn't liked the first cut the hairdresser who comes to the home did so had insisted I take her up the street instead. I didn't think either cut was very good really. I discussed with Mum that elderly women usually liked having a full (read boofy) haircut & she needed to explain how she likes it short. She didn't think she'd remember so I said I would come in too & explain if she forgot. I also said I would buy her some nice, fragrance-free shampoo & conditioner(A'kin & Alchemy- it's lovely). We also discussed how nice it would be to have her hair washed once a week as I thought it might be a bit of a treat. At the time she agreed. When I got there this morning (15 mins early) Mum had already had her hair washed & the cut was almost finished. It looked really good & she seemed really happy. The hairdresser said Mum seemed to really enjoy the wash so I asked her again if she would like to have Louise wash her hair once a week (only $5!) & Mum said yes. Hooray! It was a really good cut & put Mum in a very good mood. Louise will cut Mum's hair once a month & Mum doesn't have to try to remember as every Tuesday she will see the hairdresser. She has not been using shampoo etc, only soap, so it will be much better. I also asked her if she would mind trimming Mum's facial hair & she said she was happy to. Mum agreed that would be good.


When I was hurrying up the street to get the shampoo this morning I heard my name called out & it was one of my favourite people in the world-Lisa( we started Tai Chi on the same day almost 2 years ago.) She is at Uni now & hasn't been to Tai Chi for ages & has an exam on Thursday but I told her about our YS being in the pub in town (just around the corner from her house) & that my LH & I are going out to listen to a singer that is coming up from Hobart on Friday night. I think she'll come along as well, which would be lovely!

My life feels so much better today. I really value my friendships & that of course, includes my online friends. I do have to remember that I have such lovely friends who would not be friends with me if I didn't deserve it. I'm very lucky & today I feel loved & good about life again.

Lots of love to anyone reading this diary & especially to Kate for being so thoughtful & caring, xoxo Cate
 
just passed by to say you seem to be doing really good!!!Not many kilos until your 77goal!

Wish you have a good strong will power and lots of succes!


(i think its so lovely to call him Lovely husband!!!):beating:
 
Thanks for dropping by Jasper. I'm sorry- I meant to have a look to see what your name is but have been out for almost all the day & about to go out again. I feel like I have things under control but without being as obsessive as I can be. I can see that using My Fitness Pal will enable me to find a good balance. I exercised a lot today & loved it & am going to enjoy 2 glasses of wine this evening, knowing that I have "earned" it. I have had 2 delicious big healthy salads. They were yummy. I have also had an absolutely lovely day, with only one moment of getting teary at the end of it. It's something that I must try to resolve as it obviously gets to me more than I thought. I have spoken of it in here before but it has been playing in my subconscious this week, probably because I have been feeling stressed. I'll talk about it soon, after I have tried to resolve it.

My husband is a lovely husband. I feel really lucky to love & be so loved & our love has grown over the years. We started going out together 40 years ago (I was 18) and have been married 36 years this Sunday (the 30th Oct.) We have been through so many things together, both good & bad, that have helped strengthen our relationship. The luck part comes into it by happening to meet in the first place. We may have gone through our lives never having met. I had better scoot, xoxo Cate.

Mmm mm red wine, very soon- 2 x 150ml Merlot or Cabernet, but only if they have bottled wine. No cask rubbish for me. My body is a temple!(he he- that comes from Tai Chi)
 
I have been such a lazy bones today & must get moving as I'm not even showered & dressed yet. I'm not down though, but it would be very embarrassing if I got caught. Just wanted to say that I have, at last typed up a letter of apology to someone who is seriously bearing a grudge against me. It has been playing in my mind & had me teary again yesterday so I am determined to try to make amends by apologising. If he chooses to turn his back on me from then on, I will move on. At least I will have tried. My LH says I am being way too generous. This is a copy of the letter, which I will put in his letterbox today. It's his birthday, but he refuses to acknowledge it so I won't mention it.

Cheers, xoxo Cate

PS I have changed my mind again yet again. Will send him a text........maybe. Can't get rid of this attachment
 
Eep!! I did it. Copied my note into a text & quickly pressed send. Yikes. It's done!

""B....., I am sorry that I offended you & you have chosen not to speak to me again. It was not intentional. I won't hold any ill feeling if you continue to turn your back on me, but it is not necessary to do so. I meant you no harm & was being silly." Cate. I'm a bit shaky!
 
Im Jess!

Its really generous of you writting that to your friend,it takes courage to do so.I hope you manage to work things out with him,if not dont stress on it.You took the first step , so you are clean.
 
AOh good on you, cate, for trying to confront the matter and come up with a solution! It takes so much guts - I know what you mean about feeling shaky! Things like that always do this to me - any form of confrontation, in fact. It's good that you are trying to make amends if it is making you feel bad. And he's a silly man for missing out on being your friend!
p.s. love the hippy/goth thing :)
 
Hi Jess & Joh, It just goes to show that my brain is not functioning as it should. I read both of your lovely posts & got all teary so thought I would wait until I could think straight to reply. There's something in the air lately with most of us, I think. perhaps the moon & stars are out of alignment or something! I'm so up & down lately & I can't blame hormones any more. I feel better for having sent the apology but won't know if he'll accept it until I see him next. I will let it go now though. If he does, good, if not, too bad.

My Mum has been really good this week, so maybe halving her pain patch has helped reduce her confusion & agitation.

My brother rang yesterday & got me really angry again, regarding Mum's money & trying to bulldozer me into making a snap decision to get the most interest. He's a bully. He also didn't get his facts straight as I went to the bank to check the alternatives & what I had chosen was still the best option. He rang me back last night & sarcastically asked me if I had actually been to the bank to check & was shocked that I had. When I told him the facts he was fairly quiet. I managed to get off the phone calmly. I feel that we were born on different planets, rather than coming from the same parents. Money is the most important thing in the world to him. I pity his wife. He thinks anyone with an opinion different to his is an idiot.

I had what you gals call a "fuck it "day yesterday & it felt quite good. My FI day included 4 glasses of yummy red wine- 2 at lunch & 2 with dinner. My LH had mown the mounds on the golf course in pouring rain & I had shopped for the Golf Club for a function tonight that we are doing for no pay. I had stocked the bar while he did a drawer. We had to visit both our mothers as well. As we left the golf club he asked what we were doing first. I said "We are going to go & have a nice lunch with a glass of wine." It was lovely. I also decided that we wouldn't go out last night & , as it turns out the singer had cancelled as she was sick & our son was trying hard to find someone else at short notice.

We picked up his Mum & took her home, then went to visit mine. There was a choir singing in the lounge & we sat & listened to it, with her, after putting up a cork board in her room. She was very calm & happy. A much better week with Mum! Phew.

After my messed up day eating-wise I will make amends for the next few days. I went over about 600 cals (>500 of which was wine!) It was good to have a day off though. I still didn't eat any chocolate or desserts etc. My lunch I took a wild stab at & I think wasn't as bad as I put down, but that's ok.

Today is gloomy. It is really foggy. My LH is staying home from golf & will now play tomorrow instead. It's our 36th wedding anniv. tomorrow & we'll have a nice dinner at home, with a bottle of French Champagne (Moet) that I won in a competition on Facebook. Once upon a time, in another life, we always drank it on our wedding anniversary.

Breakfast this morning was yoghurt & mango. I'm a mango maniac. I love my mango!!

xoxo Cate
 
My food for today-

Breakfast- 1/2 mango & yoghurt.

Morning snack-4 round Vita Wheat cracked pepper crackers(12g)

Lunch- West African chicken, cauli, bok choy, carrots & zucchini (no rice)

Followed by 1/2 a mandarin, 1/2 a fuji apple & 1 kiwi fruit.

Dinner- will be a scratch dinner- a small bowl chicken soup & some crackers with low-fat Mozzarella, cucumber & tomato.

We're doing the bar for a function, for free, tonight & I'll take some Territory beef jerky in my handbag as an emergency food. I must go weigh it now. I like tracking what I eat on MFP & I still eat healthily . I'll weigh myself on Monday. I have a busy day tomorrow on our wedding anniversary. Have to visit Mum in the morning as I have the grandkids in the afternoon for about 5 hours.

Love to all, xoxo Cate.
 
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