Marsia's Diary

[Marsia]

There is so much good in life & worrying helps no one, especially ourselves. I'm glad you are finding some time & energy to look after yourself. You have helped build the foundations of a fine young woman with K & she knows that she is well loved by you. It's lovely that she also now has P, who sounds sweet. Keep looking after yourself, M. You are as important as anyone else on this planet. I am going to make you a heart soon, when I find just the right pattern. I will know when I see it.
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Wow, thanks Cate! That really means a lot! I would love a heart. I am feeling discouraged yesterday and this morning and this really lifted my spirits.

I do this too. It really is a waste of time and energy. 'Go with the flow of life' is what I try to tell myself when I start worrying about this person or that person.

Agreed that it is nice to skip a meal from time to time and feel that rumble of hunger. Your breakfast in the morning should taste really good.

I am trying to feel my feelings which is helping somewhat and also just be in the moment and not think about things too hard. Neither is working especially but it's good to keep trying, I think. I am so glad to have you all to talk with. I'm really having a hard week, and having our connection here really helps so much!

That's nice to enjoy that lighter feeling when eating less. I wish i could enjoy that more instead of just wanting to get back to feeling heavy!

I know what you mean. I get so feeling stuffed feels comforting. Lately feels more alive to be somewhat hungry. It's a nice thing that is helping me not gain a ton of weight so I'm grateful this feeling came along now.

Getting an early start today, but will check in with diaries soon, and thanks everyone!!

 

[liza3]

Wow, thanks Cate! That really means a lot! I would love a heart. I am feeling discouraged yesterday and this morning and this really lifted my spirits.

I am trying to feel my feelings which is helping somewhat and also just be in the moment and not think about things too hard. Neither is working especially but it's good to keep trying, I think. I am so glad to have you all to talk with. I'm really having a hard week, and having our connection here really helps so much!

Sometimes things are just hard. It is lovely that we have each other here to check in with and hopefully lift our spirits a bit.
I hope you have a good day!

 

[Marsia]

Thanks Liza! It's getting better. I got the car serviced, which J didn't do for over a year, so every time I drove it I worried I was ruining it a little more. It runs nice now, so we can take trips to go see colleges soon. The people in the waiting room of the mechanic were very friendly, and I practiced being social. I am super bad at small talk, but didn't do too bad given that I was feeling like crawling under a rock this morning, and being around happy people helped.

I just made chili with lots of veggies, and am feeling better from that, too. I also realized that I have a temporary agreement for separation, and since J obviously has way more money than he is declaring, I will just get all the things like eye care, car servicing, dental, etc. done that he is responsible for on the temporary agreement and then if he no longer is responsible for those things, they will be done already anyway. That helped me feel a lot better, too. And I keep thinking that the income J declared doesn't even cover half the mortgage, so anyone looking at that will know it is not accurate, as he declared almost no savings either.

I meditated yesterday and that helped quite a bit. I know I really really need to start that up as a practice again. No time like the present!!

 

[Llama]

Yay for getting what you're owed under the temporary agreement! Taking good care of yourself is an excellent thing.

 

[Emilyrose]

Yes, get all those things done, Marsia and don't bat an eyelash! God, it really is so tough. A friend is going through something similar and it really is so hard. Sometimes distraction is key. Processing it all is important but you need to instill some joy into each day if you can. That will help bolster your spirits when times get tough again. It works for me to a certain extent. I am rooting for you, hon.

 

[Cate]

Definitely get all of the things done, without any feelings of guilt. You have done no wrong, M. I'm glad to be a part of a community that lifts one another up. I think there is a lot of love in the world & if we can focus on that we all feel a bit better about ourselves. I hope that the finances can be sorted out quickly so you can be free from him.
What is yours & K's favourite colour/colours? I'll make you 2 hearts- one each.

 

[alligatorob]

Hey Marsia, just checking in.

I know your divorce and legal troubles are stressful, but I am impressed that you seem to be on top of things. It may not feel that way to you, but just reading what you are doing impresses me. And if J is dishonest on his disclosures he's a fool, it will come back on him. If the judge sees he's being dishonest about anything thing then he will not trust him on much... I know you'll get through this fine, it will just be a bit rough getting there. Keep up the good work.

You are as important as anyone else on this planet.

Cate is a wise woman!

I waste a lot of time thinking I won't be liked by people or avoiding people in case they don't like me.

I know its easier said than done, but you shouldn't. I believe most who meet you like you, I do and so does most everyone here. And if someone doesn't, that's their loss, not your fault. And not someone you would probably want to have as a friend!

 

[Marsia]

Yay for getting what you're owed under the temporary agreement! Taking good care of yourself is an excellent thing.

Thanks Llama, I realized that my lawyers are not going to let him get away with this stuff, and it also will look horrible in court like Rob said, so I am taking advantage of the situation now and not worrying as much. I really need to get some good taking care of ourselves rituals in place. I was listening to someone on YouTube who says that when motivation is not working, take a ritual that you already have in place (like brushing your teeth every morning) and add to it. I think I need to meditate right after teeth brushing, and we need to incorporate yoga into the school day as one of the breaks. My Buddhist teacher talks about how the bells that ring before and after a Buddhist chant are to honor the wisdom in the chant, to mark the time as special or sacred but every moment really is special or sacred, you just don't usually acknowledge that. Like with Cate's hearts (and how there is always the spirit of friendship and love in relationships but you don't alway acknowledge it unless you are a heart maker and giver) I would like more things in my life that help me appreciate the present and not rush through it. I think this will help so I don't keep dreading that the other shoe might drop at any moment. If I am concentrating more on making my life my own, I won't be scanning for the next bad thing to happen.

Yes, get all those things done, Marsia and don't bat an eyelash! God, it really is so tough. A friend is going through something similar and it really is so hard. Sometimes distraction is key. Processing it all is important but you need to instill some joy into each day if you can. That will help bolster your spirits when times get tough again. It works for me to a certain extent. I am rooting for you, hon.

Thanks Em! I know you're right about finding or instilling joyful things in each day. We're out of sorts right now, so we're watching happy movies and things, but we aren't really so joyful at the moment, but I will work toward this! After P leaves for college we're going visiting colleges and I really think that will help a lot seeing new places to live and talking with different college people about K's future. I am hoping that having a good plan to look forward to and to start implementing will really help.

Definitely get all of the things done, without any feelings of guilt. You have done no wrong, M. I'm glad to be a part of a community that lifts one another up. I think there is a lot of love in the world & if we can focus on that we all feel a bit better about ourselves. I hope that the finances can be sorted out quickly so you can be free from him.
What is yours & K's favourite colour/colours? I'll make you 2 hearts- one each.

Wow, Cate, we would love hearts! K's favorite color is green, and mine is purple. I really agree about focusing on all the love in the world. I don't remember if I said, but I am looking at becoming an elementary school teacher because I miss little kids and how wonderful it is reading literature and sharing all the arts and sciences with them because they generally still resonate with the happy things in life. I love this community and how supportive everyone is, too. I am so glad to be back!! With the finances, our state has a 1 year separation before divorce can be finalized with a few really extreme exceptions, so the divorce won't be for almost a year, but we can get the separation agreement in place and even sell off all the assets before then. We do have to stay in the house until it is legally protected from J selling it and pocketing all the money, and I am hoping he doesn't drag that out in court and waste all the money. He wants to give me half of the profits of this house, not half the profits of our last house, which would be double the amount.

Hey Marsia, just checking in.

I know your divorce and legal troubles are stressful, but I am impressed that you seem to be on top of things. It may not feel that way to you, but just reading what you are doing impresses me. And if J is dishonest on his disclosures he's a fool, it will come back on him. If the judge sees he's being dishonest about anything thing then he will not trust him on much... I know you'll get through this fine, it will just be a bit rough getting there. Keep up the good work.

Cate is a wise woman!

I know its easier said than done, but you shouldn't. I believe most who meet you like you, I do and so does most everyone here. And if someone doesn't, that's their loss, not your fault. And not someone you would probably want to have as a friend!

Thanks Rob!! I am letting it get to me that everyone thinks I should be working to support K right now, but I do not want to leave her alone, and I also don't know when we are moving and need to sell a lot of our stuff and pack so we can sell the house - I brought tons of my inherited stuff and need to get rid of about half of it to downsize. No one seems to get that being a homeschool teacher and visiting colleges are going to be really hard to do while working. So it's nice to hear that I am doing ok with things! I feel like I've been run over by a steam roller, but I also feel like things are getting better a little bit at a time and that we will be ok. Good point about being dishonest on the financial statements. He actually did not sign or notarize the financial declaration, so it's obvious that he is playing games.
Being really shy and socially anxious makes it hard meeting people, but when I am able to relax and talk with people I do make nice acquaintances. I am hoping that moving to a place with more artist and musician types will help me find more friends who I have a lot in common with.
You are so right - Cate is a wise woman!!

I figured out what J is doing. He is encouraging us to go visit colleges and will give us more money for that. He is paying for things like eye care and K's new computer. He is trying to get on our good sides while making sure I have no actual liquid money to fight him for my inheritance. I don't think this will work as I have enough money in my mom's retirement funds to pay the lawyers and I am in the house that he can not sell until I agree to also. So I am feeling more empowered having gotten a better handle on what in the world he is doing.

I meditated 2 days in a row - lots of falling asleep, but I am beginning to feel more peaceful already. I am also lying in bed relaxing my muscles a lot. I got my jaw not to be in knots and my back is not so clenched up. Definitely yoga today!

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful comments. I feel a ton better!

 

[liza3]

Hi Marsia
Glad you are feeling lots better and getting into a nice flow with the meditation. I try to include my morning sit as soon as I wake up and that usually works well for me.
Good to hear you are fitting in lots of joyful activities too even if you aren't feeling it right in the moment. Sometimes we just have to go through the motions a bit before we start to feel the effects.

 

[Emilyrose]

Being really shy and socially anxious makes it hard meeting people, but when I am able to relax and talk with people I do make nice acquaintances.

Just another thing that might help - the book I am reading talks a little bit about the labels we give ourselves, and this is kind of the shadow self keeping us from living in the light. Hiding our light under a bushel, so to speak. I think we cling to labels in life because labelling makes things easier to process.

Anyway, my point is that of course you can tend to be shy or socially anxious, but I would encourage you to not cling to that idea like a barnacle. You're not always socially anxious. The next part of your sentence mentions that you are able to relax and talk to people as time goes on. So that's the thing I would focus on if I were you.

I did this group open heart meditation a number of times, it kind of reminds me of Cate and the hearts. One thing that struck me is when the leader mentioned that an open heart loves to share. Share Marsia and fill yourself up.

 

[Cate]

J is very shifty & you are very smart & kind. You would make a wonderful teacher as you already are. Ignore those who are trying to push you out to work until you want to work, M.
Em is right when she said "an open heart loves to share. Share Marsia and fill yourself up." You have so much to offer the world.
I just knew you would love purple! I know just the heart I will make you! It will be purple one side & a surprise the other (with a little purple in it) xoxo
Does K like any green or is she like my sister preferring a dark green?

 

[alligatorob]

Thanks Rob!! I am letting it get to me that everyone thinks I should be working to support K right now, but I do not want to leave her alone

For what it's worth I absolutely trust you are doing the right thing. You are a wise woman, and a good Mama! K is lucky to have you.

I feel a ton better!

You should, you are a good lady!

 

[liza3]

Anyway, my point is that of course you can tend to be shy or socially anxious, but I would encourage you to not cling to that idea like a barnacle. You're not always socially anxious. The next part of your sentence mentions that you are able to relax and talk to people as time goes on. So that's the thing I would focus on if I were you.

I like this a lot--I've been thinking about that sort of thing for myself lately. I too much identify with ANXIOUS! Need to remember all the times I'm not!

 

[Marsia]

Hi Marsia
Glad you are feeling lots better and getting into a nice flow with the meditation. I try to include my morning sit as soon as I wake up and that usually works well for me.
Good to hear you are fitting in lots of joyful activities too even if you aren't feeling it right in the moment. Sometimes we just have to go through the motions a bit before we start to feel the effects.

I think I'll follow suit and meditate first thing in the morning. I think you're right about going through the motions for a while. The things we're doing do help somewhat, and I think there is a slow build up of positive feelings happening. I feel generally more positive, just with waves of stress. I have trouble being in limbo and just need to start making positive plans for us, I think.

Just another thing that might help - the book I am reading talks a little bit about the labels we give ourselves, and this is kind of the shadow self keeping us from living in the light. Hiding our light under a bushel, so to speak. I think we cling to labels in life because labelling makes things easier to process.

Anyway, my point is that of course you can tend to be shy or socially anxious, but I would encourage you to not cling to that idea like a barnacle. You're not always socially anxious. The next part of your sentence mentions that you are able to relax and talk to people as time goes on. So that's the thing I would focus on if I were you.

I did this group open heart meditation a number of times, it kind of reminds me of Cate and the hearts. One thing that struck me is when the leader mentioned that an open heart loves to share. Share Marsia and fill yourself up.

It took me a while thinking about this to agree. I justified that I have been shy since I was very little, but there have been periods in my life where I was confident and did well at making friends, too. I do cling like a barnacle (which makes me laugh!) to my identity as socially phobic, but I do think you are right, I can focus on how when I get comfortable I am fine.

J is very shifty & you are very smart & kind. You would make a wonderful teacher as you already are. Ignore those who are trying to push you out to work until you want to work, M.
Em is right when she said "an open heart loves to share. Share Marsia and fill yourself up." You have so much to offer the world.
I just knew you would love purple! I know just the heart I will make you! It will be purple one side & a surprise the other (with a little purple in it) xoxo
Does K like any green or is she like my sister preferring a dark green?

Hi Cate, K likes olive green and her new other favorite color is orange. She is into 70s colors lately. She just decorated a cake she made with orange flowers and olive green foliage, and it came out so nice. (Her friends are over eating it tonight.). Thank you for thinking of us - this is so wonderful of you!! Purple makes me feel relaxed and hugged. I noticed one day that most of the flowers in my yard were purple and I realized it's my favorite color then!
Thank you for the nice compliments! I think you are all right about concentrating on love and open heartedness.

For what it's worth I absolutely trust you are doing the right thing. You are a wise woman, and a good Mama! K is lucky to have you.

You should, you are a good lady!

Thanks Rob!! I am lucky to have K, too! She's always been very kind and full of life and happiness.

I like this a lot--I've been thinking about that sort of thing for myself lately. I too much identify with ANXIOUS! Need to remember all the times I'm not!

It's so hard with fear to remember that it's a passing thing and not to identify with it. I think this is going to be my new practice!!

I am starting to formulate plans, and I am feeling better and better. I noticed that the top pic of K's colleges is in a very affordable place, and I can probably rent there until I figure out where to move permanently. This could be an excellent backup plan. Just having any sort of plan helps immensely for not feeling in limbo and waiting for all these things that are not under my control at all. I also realize that I need to trust my lawyers to handle J's shiftiness. They have done great so far. And I found some training programs that are online which would work for my career. I just need to see where I am moving to see how to become certified because it's different in each state, plus I am still torn between education and psychology.

Today was a take it easy day. We cleaned for K's company, fiddled around with a trial graphics program that we are thinking of asking J to get for K, and I made sandwiches for the kids to take to the beach today. Then I just had a nice mellow me day. I did yoga last night, and wow am I stiff. I will keep doing a lot more. I am definitely getting more energy and am able to accomplish more each day, and figuring out what to do next is feeling more interesting instead of totally scary.

 

[Cate]

I got excited about making you both hearts I thought purple would be your colour & I'm happy about combining olive green & orange for K. I'll have a hunt through my supplies today. I am dying to find a nice container to put everything in, preferably a heart-shaped one. I'll have a look online shortly.
I don't cope well with uncertainty either & I think you are doing well & sounding more positive about the future. Trusting your lawyers, but also keeping them provided with any or all of the info required to nail J enough to ensure that you, especially, but also K are protected & can plan for your future sounds like a good idea.
Sending you lots of love, M xoxo

 

[liza3]

I am starting to formulate plans, and I am feeling better and better. I noticed that the top pic of K's colleges is in a very affordable place, and I can probably rent there until I figure out where to move permanently. This could be an excellent backup plan. Just having any sort of plan helps immensely for not feeling in limbo and waiting for all these things that are not under my control at all. I also realize that I need to trust my lawyers to handle J's shiftiness. They have done great so far. And I found some training programs that are online which would work for my career. I just need to see where I am moving to see how to become certified because it's different in each state, plus I am still torn between education and psychology.

Today was a take it easy day. We cleaned for K's company, fiddled around with a trial graphics program that we are thinking of asking J to get for K, and I made sandwiches for the kids to take to the beach today. Then I just had a nice mellow me day. I did yoga last night, and wow am I stiff. I will keep doing a lot more. I am definitely getting more energy and am able to accomplish more each day, and figuring out what to do next is feeling more interesting instead of totally scary.

That's great about getting some good ideas in place for the next move. And very nice to have found some good on-line training programs. It's excellent how much training we can do from home now!
Sounds like a nice day for everyone.

 

[Marsia]

I got excited about making you both hearts I thought purple would be your colour & I'm happy about combining olive green & orange for K. I'll have a hunt through my supplies today. I am dying to find a nice container to put everything in, preferably a heart-shaped one. I'll have a look online shortly.
I don't cope well with uncertainty either & I think you are doing well & sounding more positive about the future. Trusting your lawyers, but also keeping them provided with any or all of the info required to nail J enough to ensure that you, especially, but also K are protected & can plan for your future sounds like a good idea.
Sending you lots of love, M xoxo

I'm really excited about the hearts! A heart shaped container for the hearts sounds magical and fun. I hope you find the perfect thing!! Thanks for all the love!!

That's great about getting some good ideas in place for the next move. And very nice to have found some good on-line training programs. It's excellent how much training we can do from home now!
Sounds like a nice day for everyone.

I'm really happy about getting started on my training - I love studying so much. I can't wait to go see places to figure out where I want to move, and what sorts of careers are in high demand in each place. It was a nice day for the kids, and good to have Ks friends over. I want to do that a lot more.

Today was nice. K wasn't doing well at first, but I got her doing schoolwork and we signed up for college entrance tests and took a long, beach walk this afternoon. The sky was so beautiful with big puffy clouds lined in gold from being back-lit by the sun, and with sun rays streaming down. There were lots of little adorable sand pipers and so many beautiful shore birds. The wind wasn't too hot, and the water wasn't as disturbingly warm as last time. With the heat wave, even the water is not refreshing to walk in. I am looking forward to autumn when the water cools down again. I am used to the ocean being so cold you get numb and once you can't feel anything, it's nice to swim in. This is very strange walking in warm bath water.

I keep snacking at night, and I want to stop, as I keep losing and gaining the same 2 pounds.

 

[liza3]

That's lovely to be getting excited about your next stage in life and considering what you might want to study--will help with the upcoming empty nest too I imagine! It sounds like a nice idea to be living in the same area as K when she starts with college--easing into that next stage of life for both of you...
The walk sounds so beautiful and sounds like a good productive day!

 

[Emilyrose]

That sounds beautiful, Marsia. There's something about being by the sea that is so soothing to the soul.

 

[Cate]

Liza & Em said what I would have, but probably in a more articulate way than me this morning. I think I'm still asleep! I just got a notification that 2 lovingkindness books are now waiting for me at the library. I'll pick them up tomorrow after golf. The thought makes me happy. I love that you are now thinking of doing but especially doing things that will make you happy.