Take Two....

Florence

Florence

New member
So yesterday I posted my first diary entry, but I realised I didn't want my diary to have the title scared in it so I am rebooting today with the title Take Two. Much better to look at for the next 6 months of my journey.

For prosperity sake I will re-post my original entry just so I have a complete record.

I hope all are doing well on their own personal journey's.
 
Here is yesterdays post for prosperity.

So I am new to this. Not new to wanting to lose weight...we are old friends, but new to owning up to it.

I have realised that I am very very scared about losing weight. It is my protection, my way of being ignored, my way of blending in. The problem is what used to be a useful tool (being over weight) is now a sting, a hindrance in my life. I have back away from life too much.

I was wrong. I don't get ignored, I just get a different look, I don't blend in, I stand out even more, quite literally and what I thought was protection has brought more pain than when I was slim.

so, now I have to re-teach myself how to get used to being slim again.

The only reason why I have decided to own up to this journey is because I read some good advice last night. If I am afraid of being slim and exposed to the outside world just dress in baggy clothes until I begin to feel comfortable again. This is something I can do and achieve very easily.

So...my name is Florence and I am overweight. I weigh 109.3kg and my goal is 58kg.
Here's to taking life head on even if I feel terrified to do so.
 
So I had decided to only ever do a post a day. The plan was at the end of the day to report in on how things are going; but I am finding that my feelings to do with this weight-loss business are very hard so I will just post when I need to. I think it will help me keep on track.

So I have noticed how angry I am this morning. I went for a walk and have had a healthy breakfast and in general feeling good within my body. The emotions for me however and quite overwhelming. I noticed I was getting angry at the thought of people judging my body, very angry really but I was thinking of people who were from my childhood and teenage years. I was thinking how dare they judge me. The funny thing is that I wasn't an overweight kid. I put a little on through puberty but it came off again. The injustice of being judged (and incorrectly at that) obviously infuriated me and I have a feeling as an adult I just had enough. I remember after yet another significant person had hurt me in my late twenties I decided what's the point of staying slim if you are still going to get hurt. So I think on a subconscious level (I half new what I was doing but didn't care)I decided to put the weight on to protect/reject those I felt reject by. Bad plan I realise but at the time I think it was the only way I could communicate rebelling and saying stuff you. I grew up in a strict family where I wasn't allowed to be upset.

On a side note, I do realise now that me being hurt back then had nothing to do with my weight but I definitely connected to two issues. I was taught growing up what you weighed was who you were.

Anyway, that's what's been coming up for me on the morning of day 2...this is going to be a wild ride.
 
It is good for you to articulate your feelings, Florence. We're with you for the ride.
 
:) Hi Florence; I didn´t see you started a second diary before so I posted my comment in the other one. Looking forward to seeing your progress!
 
All good. Thanks for responding. The chatting is really nice. It helps feel like this journey wont be a lonely one. :seeya:
 
So this morning was good waking up. Did some work and then went for a walk with hubby.

It was nice and I only got flustered once when some very fit girls ran past. Took me a few seconds to regroup and keep chatting. I think I got flustered because I was acutely aware that I was not that fit and a bit overwhelmed to question whether I need to get that fit or not. I also was worried if my hubby would prefer that. But I know that’s not true, I know I am loved greatly by my hubby.

I did notice I got angry again when I was at home. And just so you understand. Me getting angry is having frustrated thoughts in my head. I am not one to verbalise my anger if it’s just about me. I have a very bad critical voice to content with. I can’t even remember why the angry feelings surface or why I thought I was angry? I suppose it doesn’t matter. Maybe I’m just subconsciously angry that I am on this journey and following through. It does mean I will participate in life more and that’s a touchy subject for me.

Anyway, overall not a bad start to the day…I even lost a smidgin of weight from yesterday which is a nice little bonus. ;)
 
Sounds like a great way to start the day! Walk with the hubs! Chose to just shrug off the negative feelings as those can drag you down. I know how you feel, anytime one of those size 2 celebrities come on TV, I can't help but to glance over at the husband and wonder if he noticed. BUT no, like you, I know I am loved :) btw, I'm an "old" member finally returning to the forum...its nice to meet you :)
 
So I just had an interesting experience.
Back story: I actually work from home and my hubby has un-uniformed hours with the work he does. So at the moment we get to spend Tuesday mornings together.
I just noticed my reaction when he headed off to work a moment ago.
I became a bit scared and upset and felt I didn't really know what to do with myself...my thoughts traveled to chocolate. Instead of eating some I decided to jump on here and write that experience out. I think those feelings harp back to being alone a lot as a kid and not really knowing how to cope with life at the time....Just another little bit of the weight loss web noticed. :willy_nilly:
 
Well just to continue on…that spiralled out of control really quickly.

So I mentioned how I thought I would jump on here and write in my diary instead of eating (upset due to Hubby heading off for the arvo). But then I saw an email from a group of ladies that I meet up with every Tuesday during school term and tonight is the first night back.

I knew it was but was conveniently forgetting unless I got and email reminder that it was starting back up tonight. Well I got the email reminder and proceeded to freak out. The problem is that I do want to go for the company, especially as I work at home on my own but I am also afraid to be in the social situation. I am not really sure of what I am afraid of to tell you the truth. Will have to think on that one, but instead of jumping back on here straight away I ended up eating some of my hubby’s study snacks. Now I feel sick and anxious and just very disappointed this all happened and disappointed in myself for not being able to do what I want. Maybe I am just expecting a bit too much of myself at the moment. I don’t know, but it is upsetting.
 
Some days our mental defenses just aren´t as strong. You are going way out of your comfort zone by moving more and eating more healthily and that´s a very good thing but it may also mean that you´ll sometimes lack the fortitude to deal with other stressful things. I hope you went anyway because I´m quite sure your hubby isn´t the only person around you who´s very happy to have you and sometimes we need to feel that.
 
I think you might be right LaMa, There is a lot going on for me at the moment. This new weight-loss journey is overwhelming enough as it is, but my Dad also passed away recently and my father-in-law a month before that. Now I feel very stressed about my mum and keeping boundaries which is very very hard. I love her dearly but I need to make sure I am not replacing my dad if you know what I mean. Plus I'm helping my hubby with his family as well. Very full-on :(

I didn't end up going to the girls group. We usually do a study of some sort but because a study hasn't been decided yet it was just going to be a night of caring and sharing as it's called and I really didn't feel like being in that situation tonight. I am looking forward to next week. :)
 
That's a lot of stuff to be juggling all at the same time. Sorry to hear about your dad :( I hope you're practising excellent self-care (sleeping enough, eating regularly, talking to people who will listen without judging, getting your hair/nails/skin pampered if you enjoy that kind of thing... you probably know the drill) to make sure you have the best chances of getting through all of it without reaching for unhealthier forms of self-comfort.
 
Well, I have had a shocker. This is Day 3 for me and have managed to go up and down. I guess it is very early days so I shouldn't be upset with myself but I am.
Yesterday ended up being a total blow out. I have real trouble dealing with my feelings and coping in different ways other than eating. I didn't even want to overeat last night but it's like I didn't know what else to do so I just kept on with the habit. If anyone has great ideas on how to cope with feeling/emotions other than food I am all ears.
So, I am hoping for a better day today. It is raining so I am contemplating going and getting one of those mini manual treadmills so I can do a little exercise in my apartment but it does also cost money...
 
Methods of avoiding emotional eating. ..good question! Do you read? Any kind of crafts? It helps to keep your hands busy! Maybe you could just chew gum or drink a glass of water, thats been a help to me. Another option would be to check in here at WLF and read posts!
 
Or put on some music and do step exercises: doesn´t cost any money and activates more muscles than running/walking. Hope you´ll feel better today.
 
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