Originally Posted by Verobc
Hey Rox
It took a while but finally got all caught up to your diary.....Wow what a transformation not only physically but emotionally you are in such a different and better place then when you atarted your diary!
You look great. I thinks it`s to bad the husband wants to behave like a child but good for you for going to get what you need elsewhere!
"Different place" is putting it mildly! lol!
Thanks for coming by and wading through my crazy diary! I imagine that some people are rather put off by my openness.
You know- everybody talks about how losing weight doesn't solve all your problems. That's true...but it CAN be a total game-changer. It truly does open up doors that were closed before- and I think that my evolution shows that quite clearly.
That said, I certainly still face problems in my life. My husband is the main one, of course.
And things with Nick are quite messed-up at the moment. I'm not feeling at all awesome or amazing right now...In fact, I'm thinking of telling him I don't want to see him for the next few weeks.
It's not that I WANT not to see him. The man is like crack cocaine to me, srsly. His pheromones affect me, over-ruling any tiny bit of good judgement that may still be lurking in my brain In fact, I couldn't sleep last night for worrying about this issue. I'm really not quite sure what to do. Here's the situation and all opinions are welcome:
Last week, after Nick didn't call or text me for four days, I teased him a bit about neglecting me. I didn't say I was mad...but I made sure that he knew that I'd noticed. He mock-begged for forgiveness and I sternly told him not to do it again. then we had fabulous sex, etc...
And, of course, it happened again. We spent Saturday night together, which was great fun and at the end of the evening, he said he'd send me a text on Monday morning.
It ended up that he didn't contact me again until Thursday morning, when he suggested that we see each other in the afternoon. I should have said "no", but I really couldn't find it in me. He came over, we had sex (fabulous, as always) and at the end, I brought up the communication issue. I said something along the lines of "I can't believe you did it again. Are you testing me?" . I was really only half joking...
His answer was that he's having issues around his baby and home life and is in a weird space and things should "get back to normal" in a month or two.
And I get it that having a baby is a big deal. I've had four, so I know from babies.
On the other hand, yesterday he did what no other man has ever managed to do: despite the fact that I've had sex with more men than I can count, after he left I felt like a prostitute - Even worse, an incompetant prostitute too stupid to get paid in cash. (I,apparently, work for orgasms).
I'm not saying he wasn't sweet and didn't declare his undying love for me. And he told me tthat I'm beautiful, smart, sexy and perfect...all stuff I haven't heard from my husband since ten years.
But the fact remains that he texted me after four days of total silence, showed up for about four hours of hot sex and then left. And I know he's going to do it again despite the fact that he knows that it makes me unhappy.
I can't explain how disrepected it makes me feel.
I'm really of two minds in all this.
POV #1 is that I need to cut him a break and be understanding. He's juggling a new baby and a stressed out baby-mama. What I need to do is keep cool and sweet. His gf is in full mommy-mode, uninterested in sex and not nearly as hot as me. If I am patient things will rapidly not only go "back to normal"and the stage will be better set for him leaving her.
On the other hand, we have the second POV: This is making me feel bad and I need to stop it. And by telling him I don't want to see him until June, I'll be giving him to to get used to having a baby...and time to miss me.
Last night, I was sure that my second plan was right...but maybe it will just convince him that I'm unreasonable, unkind, "high-maintenance" or just plain not worth the trouble.... And how should I do it? Face to face? Send a text? Send an email? Just ignore him and see what he does?
I'm not much of a game-player, but this seems to call for advanced strategic positioning. The biggest obstacle is the fact that I love him and really don't want to hurt him or lose him. That all makes it hard.
I'm a bit wrecked.... and I have my music exam on Monday morning!! I'll be in rehearsals most of the day today putting on the final touches. I'm going to sing in front of a jury to pass into the second cycle of studies in classical vocal performance at the music conservatory. I'm doing a Purcell piece, a Mozart aria (!!!!!!) and a Shumann duet with another soprano. It's not sure I'll pass, as usually it takes three or four years of study to get through and I'm trying it with only two under my belt. But my voice teacher thinks I'm ready, so I'm going for it! I'm super-excited and musn't let this mess with Nick distract me.
Eating? Well ....I could hardly eat yesterday. I'm so stressed that I've gone beyond stress-eating, (which takes a lot, believe me!). Got to 700 calories and gave up.
Weighed in at 139.5 today. Kind of sucks.
If you got to the end of this epic, novel-length diary entry, congratulation! You deserve a prize! As I don't have one for you, I'll just send you a big hug and hope things are going better for you than they are for me....
A year is a long time! And I guess it's nice to have somebody tell me I'm lovely and beloved, as Nick is sure not communicating much lately...
