nataliejo's diary: Moving, flowing, grooving forward... change is coming...

cut all ties with him -he's not healthy for you - you need to do what's right for you right now and he is not right...

move on -and don't look back...
 
I don't think it is healthy for me to talk with him .. I think I need to take a step and get rid of people who don't believe in me and he is a big factor in how I thought of myself. He made me feel like crap over our relationship ..
Read that regularly
 
Read that regularly

Thanks Mal ...

I remembered that from a few therapy appointments I had ... The Dr. told me to cut the people who are bad for me out of my life, including my mother. My mother at the time was VERY emotionally abusive. She has changed quite a bit after a few incidents ... but we are all good now ...

I am just not bothering with the ex ...

thanks hun
love yas
natalie jo
 
So I am disgusted in Alex and feel bad for his new gf

He never told her he had HPV, which he infected me with and he never used protection with her. Last Pap I got was all clear ..normal ...

but thats after not being with him for a month.

So It started when I was with him for two years, all of a sudden I came up having HPV... not HVI ... HPV ... HVI is with genital herpes ... HPV is something different, but close ..they are internal and I don't have any break outs ...
but Alex gave me it ...and I can't quite sum up how ...but he was the only guy I had been with for two years and suddenly I come up with this awful tummy ... lower abdomen ache ..and all hell breaks lose .. I ended up having to take an anti viral med in my lower back and my doctor gave me some meds and it cleared ... but it went away ...and after that we always were protected and when we weren't ..well things weren't so great ..

it was none of my business, but he didn't use protection with Ellen the first date they were together, and he had never told her He had HPV ..well guess what now ...she is a prime candidate for Uteran or Cervical Cancer ... told him he needs to tell her, but he was a little nervous after speaking with me ..guess he forgot about HPV! hmm ... or he just didn't want to use a condom ..it was her responsibility too ... She should have thought before sleeping with a man on the first date, heh ... :dupe:

well oh well ...thats the news ..
oh And I am never calling that man again! He is such a jerk and I told him what he was lol ...

and than we ended it there...
I am going to update him through email, I think I can handle email, I just think he is lower than low ...

ttylater girz
natalie jo :svengo:... I love this icon :svengo: <------
 
why would you even update him via email?

Move on...

What do you expect to get out of continuing contact with him? he has NO RESPECT for you - have some for yourself...
 
why would you even update him via email?

Move on...

What do you expect to get out of continuing contact with him? he has NO RESPECT for you - have some for yourself...

Mal..
I have respect for myself, took years to get it, but I think today I actually earned my own respect.

I did call the crisis helpline from Chesnut Hill counciling ... because I had remaining pent up emotions from our dating for four years.

The therapist said it is natural after four years to kind of like "go nuts" when you find our your ex is dating someone and than screws her over by giving her hpv...

So I looked at myself kind of while I was talking with her and realized what a jerk he was, because he pulled the same thing on this girl that he pulled on me. He never told me he had hpv ..never an inclination ...that he might ... I was never informed and than bam ..two years after our relationship I was faced with the decision on whether to leave him or not, but he had so bullied down my psychie that I felt I couldn't be with another man, plus I have HPV now...so who would want me ... I mean really ...who wants a girl with an std ...plus it causes uterian and cervical cancer .. luckily I came out normal ... this time ...
but I can honestly say after the much needed chat from my therapist that I am more condfident in myself, and I don't need his approval on how much I have lost ..he put so much on my weight...whether he would marry me or not on my weight ... if I stayed the weight I was he was not going to marry me ...so I just gained, because I became so obsessed that I kept yoyoing ..and I have a food addiction

but my therapist divulged a little info about herself ...
she had the food addiction too and she read a book about doing yoga instead of eating ... and she did it and it worked ..
it does mention yoga exersizes in my book ...
its first starts with the steps ..breathe in ..hold for five seconds ..slowly breathe out ...and just keep doing that until the food is rid in my mind... or I can find alternative to do ...but I wrote a contract up ...writing

I natalie beinhorn want to lose weight because .....................
and so I wrote on and signed it and put it on the fridge and I put other quotes on the fridge from this book ...and I have lost weight since this book has entered my life

I went for a 25 minute walk in unshovelled streets ..as people drove by ...the slush was splattering all over me ..and I was like "I can't believe I am doing this. Walking in this mess!"

but I am proud of myself. I am going walking tomorrow too, hopefully for thirty to thirty-five minutes ..

well ttylater
love yas
natalie jo
 
good for you for calling the crisis line...

now i hope that you will be deleting the ex's email address from your address book as well as his phone number.... Why do you want to keep in touch with him?

There's not a better place for you to walk than outside in them iserable weather? A mall perhaps? or spend sometime doing stuff inside? you want to get healthy but you also want to be safe as well...
 
good for you for calling the crisis line...

now i hope that you will be deleting the ex's email address from your address book as well as his phone number.... Why do you want to keep in touch with him?

There's not a better place for you to walk than outside in them iserable weather? A mall perhaps? or spend sometime doing stuff inside? you want to get healthy but you also want to be safe as well...

I had wanted to keep in contact, because I have no other friends, but I think I am better off with out him about now ...

A mall is far away, a gym is almost too far away. And I can't afford the gym right now. I like walking outside and enjoyed it immensely.... I love being outside, must be outside at least once a day and when I am not I am unhappy ...so The Vitamin D is a huge part of my life. I need it to not be depressed ...
I notice I am happy after walking or doing anything outside. I like taking time and thinking while walking ...

I know it is unsafe, but tomorrow all the sidewalks will be done with the machine and they will have a flat sheet of snow on top, but its all good .. I will walk on top of the snow on the sidewalk ..sometimes I might have to be out in the road, but I will take back roads where not many people drive down ..side streets etc ...

well ttylater hun
thanks for your advice
always
natalie jo
 
:waving: Hi, sweetie!
Just wanted to stop by and see how things are going. You've been having a hard time lately. NatalieJoe, I totally admire you for really wanting - and working towards - a better life. Reading self-help books is a GREAT start! Likewise chatting with a counselor to help you gain a proper perspective. You have been dealt some extremely difficult cards with regard to your emotional health, I.e., having bipolar disorder. Many folks would give up, BUT YOU ARE NOT MANY FOLKS!

I hope you can grasp how truly worthwhile you are, and that you will show yourself some grace (ie. forgive yourself) when you need to. You are so much stronger than you even know! I think you are proving this to yourself, bit by bit (and pound by pound ;)

Anyway, just wanted to make sure you know that you have many, MANY friends on this site. You are important to us, and we all want to see you succeed in your life, with losing weight and everything else that success means to you.

Wishing you many blessings,
Your friend
Janice :grouphug:
 
Hey, NJ.

I'm sorry you've been feeling so badly lately. I hope you have come to the solid conclusion that Alex is a toxic force in your life. I know it's hard to say goodbye to people, especially when you're dealing with someone who may have been your best friend for a long time. Keep in mind, though, not all "friendships" are healthy.

I'm glad you made it out to walk, even in the slush covered streets.

You're in school full time, in an undergrad program. Doesn't your school or university have a gym? Most colleges have gyms or if they are too small for one, they usually have relationships with other nearby institutions that do have gyms. Just a thought.

-Tamara
 
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. "
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Hey NJ,
It's been a while since we've posted in each others diaries but I just wanted to give you my support.

You are right when you say you are better off without him. Why add misery to your life? You're working so hard to improve your health why do you want to allow someone in your life that finds enjoyment in tearing you down. You need people in your life that will provide you with positive support. If right now the only people you can call friends are here on this forum that's a positive start. You can lose weight. You will lose weight. I think dropping Alex completely from your life will be a huge weight loss for you.

A person's weight should never be a deciding factor in a relationship. When Rob and I broke up there were so many things gone wrong in our relationship that we didn't deal with. It had become so much easier to ignore the issues and pretend. But I've discovered that doing things the easy way can make it harder in the long run. Yes I was fat and he found that unappealing, (I found myself unappealing) but at the time I was unmotivated, miserable, had low self esteem, lost all focus on what was important to me and focused only on him. I wasn't interested in anything, had no hobbies. I could sit for hours in front of the television while he was in another room on his computer. We didn't communicate anymore and grew apart.

When he left it made me realize I needed to reevaluate my life and renew my focus. I reconnected with old friends. I picked up my camera again which was an old hobby of mine. I became more social. I joined Jazzercise and made a lot of friends there. My weight loss didn't start with me just wanting a better body. I wanted a better life for myself.

Yes Rob and I are back together and yes it is because I am Hot. But losing weight didn't make me Hot. I am Hot because I am confident, interesting, motivated, focused, positive, fun, smart…etc. There are so many things about you that make you Hot as well and if a guy can't see that it’s his issue, not yours.

I posted things I am thankful for in my diary and I keep the list handy so when I'm feeling down about my day I can look at it, add to it or change it up for the day. Make a list of your own. Post it in your diary, post it in mine, post it everywhere.

We are here for you.
:grouphug:
 
Last edited:
:waving: Hi, sweetie!
Just wanted to stop by and see how things are going. You've been having a hard time lately. NatalieJoe, I totally admire you for really wanting - and working towards - a better life. Reading self-help books is a GREAT start! Likewise chatting with a counselor to help you gain a proper perspective. You have been dealt some extremely difficult cards with regard to your emotional health, I.e., having bipolar disorder. Many folks would give up, BUT YOU ARE NOT MANY FOLKS!

I hope you can grasp how truly worthwhile you are, and that you will show yourself some grace (ie. forgive yourself) when you need to. You are so much stronger than you even know! I think you are proving this to yourself, bit by bit (and pound by pound ;)

Anyway, just wanted to make sure you know that you have many, MANY friends on this site. You are important to us, and we all want to see you succeed in your life, with losing weight and everything else that success means to you.

Wishing you many blessings,
Your friend
Janice :grouphug:

Hello Janice,
I didn't know you all thought of me as your friend, it feels good to know. I know I have been dealt some difficult cards lol its really tough trying to march at the professors tunes, and at my own tune. lol I so want to spend time walking everyday and than working on my homework, but it seems like everyday I get bogged down more and more with the homework. I had to read one hundred and fifity pages Sunday night and another one hundred tonight ...he is also having a quiz about the different characters in the book and I have no inkling on how to start this whole book and really get into the characters. I love this book and have read it before, but there are such a vast number of characters lol its the Odyssey ... lol

I love the book, but to keep tabs on all the characters is like mad lol

but anyway Thanks for being my friend and dropping by. I wish I didn't procrastinate so much. I think I am going to read what is on the quiz ..the hundred forty and leave the rest for the rest of the week .. I also have Sociology ..which is driving me mad. He comes up with the most scientifically insane things to do ..I love it ..but they are tough classes ...lol

I am thinking of going for a small walk tonight, I think I will do that now ..bblater

Janice thanks for being here for me.. I appreciate your words. They really made me feel 100 percent better ...and so have the other girls ...which I will reply to as soon as I get back from my walk ..

love yas
natalie jo ..always **hugs**
 
Hey, NJ.

I'm sorry you've been feeling so badly lately. I hope you have come to the solid conclusion that Alex is a toxic force in your life. I know it's hard to say goodbye to people, especially when you're dealing with someone who may have been your best friend for a long time. Keep in mind, though, not all "friendships" are healthy.

I'm glad you made it out to walk, even in the slush covered streets.

You're in school full time, in an undergrad program. Doesn't your school or university have a gym? Most colleges have gyms or if they are too small for one, they usually have relationships with other nearby institutions that do have gyms. Just a thought.

-Tamara

My seacost Campus doesn't have a gym. Its only one building lmao ..but the main campus I think has a gym. So I can use it next term, which will be in March, maybe than I will start getting back more of a figure lol

but otherwise I am the walker...who gets slush on her pants and snow coat ..lol
I know some friendships are toxic and this is definitely or was one ..
I am refraining from calling the ex. His decisions have no way in part by me ...
I think its was unjust how he slept with this woman and didn't not use protection ..and I think its unjust heve never told her he had HPV and had infected me ...
Now the poor woman (with two kids) is probably carrying HPV and is unknowingly ..and she is up for possible uteran and cervical cancer in the future... just like me ...

So I feel bad for what has happened to her... it happened to me ... and I was so trusting ...as she was ...

but anyway as for walking .. I will be heading out for a walk earlier in the day tomorrow ...
I guess I have decided today is not my day to go walking .. I seem to be doing fine today ... not that big a problem if I miss today ..its tomorrow I must go ... go ...and go...
well ttylater Tamara ..
thanks for your friendly advice :)

always
love yas
natalie jo
 
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. "
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Hey NJ,
It's been a while since we've posted in each others diaries but I just wanted to give you my support.

You are right when you say you are better off without him. Why add misery to your life? You're working so hard to improve your health why do you want to allow someone in your life that finds enjoyment in tearing you down. You need people in your life that will provide you with positive support. If right now the only people you can call friends are here on this forum that's a positive start. You can lose weight. You will lose weight. I think dropping Alex completely from your life will be a huge weight loss for you.

A person's weight should never be a deciding factor in a relationship. When Rob and I broke up there were so many things gone wrong in our relationship that we didn't deal with. It had become so much easier to ignore the issues and pretend. But I've discovered that doing things the easy way can make it harder in the long run. Yes I was fat and he found that unappealing, (I found myself unappealing) but at the time I was unmotivated, miserable, had low self esteem, lost all focus on what was important to me and focused only on him. I wasn't interested in anything, had no hobbies. I could sit for hours in front of the television while he was in another room on his computer. We didn't communicate anymore and grew apart.

When he left it made me realize I needed to reevaluate my life and renew my focus. I reconnected with old friends. I picked up my camera again which was an old hobby of mine. I became more social. I joined Jazzercise and made a lot of friends there. My weight loss didn't start with me just wanting a better body. I wanted a better life for myself.

Yes Rob and I are back together and yes it is because I am Hot. But losing weight didn't make me Hot. I am Hot because I am confident, interesting, motivated, focused, positive, fun, smart…etc. There are so many things about you that make you Hot as well and if a guy can't see that it’s his issue, not yours.

I posted things I am thankful for in my diary and I keep the list handy so when I'm feeling down about my day I can look at it, add to it or change it up for the day. Make a list of your own. Post it in your diary, post it in mine, post it everywhere.

We are here for you.
:grouphug:

Thanks you Cats ..
I have always wanted friends, and no one ever seemed to want to be my friend ..lol except for one person my ex best friend and she kind of moved away because I had started dating Alex ..so ..alas ... a friendship didn't last very long after reuniting ..

but thanks for your advice ...

I am thankful for a lot of things ...
I wish I had more stength and conviction however .. I slack a lot ..but I know I will get there ...

well ttylater hun
and I wish you the best
love yas
natalie jo
 
Good news!

Hello Everyone!
Today was a hard day! But I didn't call Alex! I am moving on, or trying to anyway. It is very hard to get someone out of your heart or your mind after four years time. And it was just about four years. There were good times, but there was mostly bad times.

He tore me down a lot. Telling me he would only marry me if I was thinner, not completely thin, but only a little junk in the trunk and what not.

I don't know if any men would take me at the weight I am, and I don't think so, but maybe I need this time alone; however, I find it difficult to fill my time completely, just enough to stop thinking about someone I love for four years, but its something I must do. I have to get offline early to study for my quiz tomorrow. I plan to do very well!

I won't keep hope down .. I need hope.. I love hope... hope is where I live, and knowledge that I will do this ...and this means everything that I so wish to do. And I will take one day at a time... I will do this and can ...and thats how I feel at the moment. Who knows how I will feel tomorrow. BUT I will reread this and remember how I do feel now ..and maybe that will help me a long my way ...

Thanks guys and gals for always being here for me ...as I would for you!

love yas
always
Natalie jo

btw .. I weighed in this morning at 290.0!

gnight! :Angel_anim:
 
Today was a hard day! But I didn't call Alex! I am moving on, or trying to anyway. It is very hard to get someone out of your heart or your mind after four years time.
He tore me down a lot. Telling me he would only marry me if I was thinner, not completely thin, but only a little junk in the trunk and what not.

I don't know if any men would take me at the weight I am, and I don't think so, but maybe I need this time alone; however, I find it difficult to fill my time completely, just enough to stop thinking about someone I love for four years, but its something I must do. I have to get offline early to study for my quiz tomorrow. I plan to do very well!
From what you have said i think Alex is bad for you he brings you down, you need to show him what a great person you are what he has missed out on and not call, mail, etc he will hear on the grapevine how good you look what your up to he will learn not to treat people badly and you will prove you can do sooooo much better than him, it is hard i know but you have to think about this HUGE change your making in your life and you need the people around you to like you for you and not what you look like.
You may be better on your own for a while get fully over alex and achieve your goals (or get darn close) you will be a happier person ready for a relationship and one will happen when you least expect it

How did you do in the quiz?

Just take one day at a time
Sarah
 
Guess What!!

Today was a hard day! But I didn't call Alex! I am moving on, or trying to anyway. It is very hard to get someone out of your heart or your mind after four years time.
He tore me down a lot. Telling me he would only marry me if I was thinner, not completely thin, but only a little junk in the trunk and what not.

I don't know if any men would take me at the weight I am, and I don't think so, but maybe I need this time alone; however, I find it difficult to fill my time completely, just enough to stop thinking about someone I love for four years, but its something I must do. I have to get offline early to study for my quiz tomorrow. I plan to do very well!
From what you have said i think Alex is bad for you he brings you down, you need to show him what a great person you are what he has missed out on and not call, mail, etc he will hear on the grapevine how good you look what your up to he will learn not to treat people badly and you will prove you can do sooooo much better than him, it is hard i know but you have to think about this HUGE change your making in your life and you need the people around you to like you for you and not what you look like.
You may be better on your own for a while get fully over alex and achieve your goals (or get darn close) you will be a happier person ready for a relationship and one will happen when you least expect it

How did you do in the quiz?

Just take one day at a time
Sarah

Hey Sarah...!!! lol

The quiz is scheduled for next Monday, the Monday coming up. I have good news I went on a 50 Minute WALK!!!:svengo: lol

I am so psyched. I actually got out there and did it. Now I need to read more for my quiz. I found some valuable info online about The Odyssey... but now I want to apply it to what I am reading and really prepare for this quiz. The prof says it is simple, and that maybe so, but I want to score high on it ..

ttylater
love yas
always
natalie jo :party:
 
A Thin Me!! 50 Minute Walk!!

Hello everyone!!!
WELL I did a FIFTY MINUTE WALK!!!
I am so pysched. I can't believe I did it! I am like loving it all the way. I can do this, I just know it!

Like the book said ... I have to think like a "Thin me"! And I am.

What would a thin me where? What would a thin me eat? What kind of portion control would a thin me eat? What kind of way would a thin me style her hair? What would a thin me walk? How far would a thin me walk? Would a thin me walk the longest distance she can until her legs want to fall off?

and thats what My thin me would do ..
so alas .. I am already thin in my eyes, now just to make the visuals conincide with the brain's thin me existance. I am eating like a thin me finally ..the binges are under control ..its all good .. I am working it! Whoot whoot!

love yas
love ..the thin me lol
Always
Natalie jo :)
btw.. this food addiction books works wonders on the psychie on the body!!

**hugs**:driving:
 
Hey peeps,
Well today was a very successful day. I was able to get my sociology done that was due today, now I just need to enter it into the schools blackboard, so he knows I did the work. I read all of Chapter three and am preparing for the quiz on Monday.

Anyway today was an ok day for eating. I binged on four pieces of chocolate, had two cups of cocoa. I am starting to drink water. Going to join the drinking challenge if it is still happening, if not I will enter the amount I drink in my journal ..

I need to catch up on everyones diary, and I will! but I also have homework. I plan to do aerobics and jumping and dancing around for forty minutes tomorrow ..supposed to snow and rain tomorrow and tonight ...

I was thinking spring ..but hey ..snow and rain ..what can you do? lol
It was a good healthy happy day!
yea!!

and I weighed in at 286.8 at seven am ...and after eating a yogurt and something else .... at nine I weighed 287.2 ..not bad .. yesterday when I was on the scale after eating and wearing jeans and all later in the evening I was weighing in at 291. something ..so not bad ..losing ..and I am really dedicated ..this book is really working ..it is such a great guide

ttylater
love yas
natalie jo :party::party::party:
 
Hey hun,

I am soo proud of you- you have committed to thinking positive and making this weight loss journey work for you. Read about the Alex bit you wrote about earlier- oh Nat, I'm sure you can do so much better than him. Honestly, use the break-up as a positive force. It's a start towards a new life- that's how I think.

Fifty minutes worth of a walk sounds great!! Yes- drink lots and lots of water, in fact, I don't think I drink enough water either. Maybe you'll inspire me to guzzle down 8 glasses a day? lol.

I wish you the best of luck on your quiz, I know you'll do well ;)

Love,
Misty
xoxo
 
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