Marsia's Diary

[liza3]

yeah I'm no good at all with stress. I would say just to give yourself a lot of compassion--what you are going through right now is super stressful and hard. It's bound to come out in the not best ways sometimes. Good for you catching it when criticizing K's work and apologizing.

Money-wise, I know if it were me, I would want to sit down with someone I trust and work it out so that it feels organized and managed. So you know what you want to spend on the house and what the plan is for paying back loans etc.

The only other thing that helps me with stress (besides exercise, eating well etc) is making schedules to follow that allows me to see what I am doing and how it fits into the timeline that I have set for myself, but I know you've said you hate routine so that probably wouldn't work at all for you and we don't want to add to your stress!

 

[Marsia]

Exercise is the most obvious one in the category of venting but in the end I'm afraid you'll have to practice letting all that anger and stress go. Venting just pushes it off into the distance for a while and then it encroaches again.

Thanks Llama! You are right, of course!! I think anger is a super hard one for me to figure out how to let go of. It helped admitting this stuff and owning it by writing this in my diary, though it's embarrassing and I don't like being so negative so much of the time. I think I will try some good old psychological sublimation and channel the anger into organizing and see how that goes.

yeah I'm no good at all with stress. I would say just to give yourself a lot of compassion--what you are going through right now is super stressful and hard. It's bound to come out in the not best ways sometimes. Good for you catching it when criticizing K's work and apologizing.

Money-wise, I know if it were me, I would want to sit down with someone I trust and work it out so that it feels organized and managed. So you know what you want to spend on the house and what the plan is for paying back loans etc.

The only other thing that helps me with stress (besides exercise, eating well etc) is making schedules to follow that allows me to see what I am doing and how it fits into the timeline that I have set for myself, but I know you've said you hate routine so that probably wouldn't work at all for you and we don't want to add to your stress!

Thanks so much for this Liza! It really helped, and I really appreciate your empathizing. I took your advice and wrote a long email to my best friend about my options thus far. Another friend is also good at understanding money stuff, but is also a bit impulsive when it comes to these things, so I will contact then after I hear back from my bestie. I also realized I need to write out all my questions for my lawyers again. I had prepared all this evidence, but forgot to keep updating my questions, and they've just been swirling around in my head driving me crazy. I am not terrific at schedules, but open ended to do lists are fantastic, and the question list really helped so much.

 

[Llama]

Also: you absolutely have good reason to be angry! It's not a character flaw or something. May your anger give you the drive to power through the house stuff so you can be properly free of J.

 

[Cate]

Oh, M. Your anger is so justified. I don't cope well with stress, but what I do is aim at a cleaning task & throw myself into it. It's often a great big cupboard & I pull everything out & sort it all, discard some stuff, clean the cupboard & only put back in what I want to keep. I do this listening to music usually. By the time my anger or stress has disappeared, I have very clean & tidy cupboards. I even have a couple of near-empty ones. It will be easier when I do move. I have a section in my garage for things for the "kids" or grandkids to take if they want them & another for the charity shop.
K will understand. We are not perfect. I once told our sons that they were eating Daphne, our duck. I still cringe remembering this. In my defence, she kept attacking me. I should never have told them. I felt like I was channelling my mother who did have a mean streak.
Sending you lots of love, M. You'll get through this xoxo

 

[liza3]

I had prepared all this evidence, but forgot to keep updating my questions, and they've just been swirling around in my head driving me crazy.

Oh yeah-totally--getting things out of your head and onto paper is such a good move. I feel that with everything as well.
Nice job on all the steps taken to getting that done!

 

[Emilyrose]

I once told our sons that they were eating Daphne, our duck. I still cringe remembering this. In my defence, she kept attacking me.

Oh Cate, that's just so funny!

I think Liza's suggestion to get financial advice from an expert is a brilliant one. I'm glad you wrote to your friend about it. I would also suggest that if you have people that can help you to get the house ready, reach out to them too. K might not be up to too much but she'll be motivated when other people are around. It's not always easy to ask for help but I think, in general, people do enjoy doing good deeds for others. It's a great feeling.

As for the anger, I don't know. It's rough. I have watched youtube videos where they say you should just sit with whatever is upsetting you - no distractions, nothing - and face it and let it wash over you. I haven't been able to do that yet. But I'm willing to try it at some point, haha.

 

[Marsia]

Oh, M. Your anger is so justified. I don't cope well with stress, but what I do is aim at a cleaning task & throw myself into it. It's often a great big cupboard & I pull everything out & sort it all, discard some stuff, clean the cupboard & only put back in what I want to keep. I do this listening to music usually. By the time my anger or stress has disappeared, I have very clean & tidy cupboards. I even have a couple of near-empty ones. It will be easier when I do move. I have a section in my garage for things for the "kids" or grandkids to take if they want them & another for the charity shop.
K will understand. We are not perfect. I once told our sons that they were eating Daphne, our duck. I still cringe remembering this. In my defence, she kept attacking me. I should never have told them. I felt like I was channelling my mother who did have a mean streak.
Sending you lots of love, M. You'll get through this xoxo

Thanks Cate, that's so wonderful! I do feel like my anger is justified, I just can't let it spill into my relationship with K at all. But I do think she understands, you are right. I love your description of how you channel your anger into cleaning!! Daphne sounds terrifying. I once was playing hide and seek with my cousin by my grandfather's barn, and got too close to the geese. I'll never make that mistake again!! I think as parents, we all have our "you are eating Daphne" moments!

Also: you absolutely have good reason to be angry! It's not a character flaw or something. May your anger give you the drive to power through the house stuff so you can be properly free of J.

Thanks Llama, this made me feel so much better. I did what you and Cate suggested and cleaned like there's no tomorrow. (K said to this that if there were no tomorrow, we wouldn't need to clean!) I can barely move now, but I do feel happy and content again!

Oh yeah-totally--getting things out of your head and onto paper is such a good move. I feel that with everything as well.
Nice job on all the steps taken to getting that done!

Thanks Liza! I had such a productive day once I read all your responses and got inspired by them. You guys are the best!!!

I think Liza's suggestion to get financial advice from an expert is a brilliant one. I'm glad you wrote to your friend about it. I would also suggest that if you have people that can help you to get the house ready, reach out to them too. K might not be up to too much but she'll be motivated when other people are around. It's not always easy to ask for help but I think, in general, people do enjoy doing good deeds for others. It's a great feeling.

As for the anger, I don't know. It's rough. I have watched youtube videos where they say you should just sit with whatever is upsetting you - no distractions, nothing - and face it and let it wash over you. I haven't been able to do that yet. But I'm willing to try it at some point, haha.

Hi Em! I love your point about just sitting and feeling the feelings of anger. I actually did that recently and really did feel better. So weird I would forget how well that worked! I agree about getting financial advice. I not sure about asking people to help because my 2 closest friends here (and me) have frozen shoulder problems. Isn't that so strange?

We got up early and finished cleaning and now have an organized house with some really clean rooms that are largely done as far as packing and cleaning. I even polished a bunch of my grandparents' furniture that got scratched up in the move, and it's good as new and makes me happy to look at. Then we went out to the cafe where I wanted to go for my birthday for the past 2 years, and we had a small feast and had a blast. We went to all our favorite art galleries and read in our favorite hotel lobby where there were so many people relaxing enjoying the big fountain in the courtyard. We're turning in early - we're so sore and tired from all the cleaning and walking around - it was hot and muggy today, but beautiful. I am feeling a lot better - thanks everyone!!

 

[Llama]

Glad to hear you're feeling better. K is absolutely right about cleaning like there's no tomorrow. Maybe we clean for a better tomorrow? I love that you went to that café regardless of birthdays and just celebrated anyway.

 

[liza3]

(K said to this that if there were no tomorrow, we wouldn't need to clean!)

haha so smart and so true!

We got up early and finished cleaning and now have an organized house with some really clean rooms that are largely done as far as packing and cleaning. I even polished a bunch of my grandparents' furniture that got scratched up in the move, and it's good as new and makes me happy to look at. Then we went out to the cafe where I wanted to go for my birthday for the past 2 years, and we had a small feast and had a blast. We went to all our favorite art galleries and read in our favorite hotel lobby where there were so many people relaxing enjoying the big fountain in the courtyard. We're turning in early - we're so sore and tired from all the cleaning and walking around - it was hot and muggy today, but beautiful. I am feeling a lot better - thanks everyone!!

wow!! nice work! So great you had such a nice celebration day after all that work!

 

[Cate]

I'm glad channelling your anger & frustration into "cleaning for a better tomorrow" was so beneficial. I loved your last post so much

 

[Emilyrose]

So glad the big clean helped your mood, Marsia. Your lovely evening having a feast at that nice cafe and visiting the art galleries was a just reward!

 

[Marsia]

Wow, thanks everyone! Yesterday was a take it easy day. K was feeling a little under the weather. I think it was partly allergies. Under her eyes was swollen and painful and my goldenrod tincture and lots of vitamin C foods and vitamins seemed to help. Also her stomach has been off. We need to switch her medication. It conks her out, but doesn't seem to help with symptoms much anymore. She's less depressed because we've been talking more about her feelings and having her feel them, but it's very hard on her, so we are just going to do that here and there, not in an organized way.

We had a nice day reading and we finished our Harvard lectures on positive psych and talked about things we learned from the class that stuck with us. It was blistering hot out, and when we went out to mail things, we didn't go for the walk we planned because it was also very high humidity. It's a nice cool day now, so I want to get a bunch of yard work in. I got a really nice email from my lawyer about things I was worrying over, and she put my mind to rest, which makes me feel a lot less stressed. She's the nicest person, and I am so lucky. I made salsa verde from cilantro and green onion from the garden and noticed how many volunteer Swiss chard came up. Today is fixing more of the screen porch day so I get the volunteers saved from the deer. My weight is down a couple of pounds and my appetite is normal, so I have been able to eat just 2-3 meals a day, which is much nicer. All that snacking was really making it impossible to get the weight back down. I notice I crave chocolate and sweets when I'm allergic, so I've been taking my tincture, and I don't have much of the cravings now.

The house is so clean and has such good energy now. "Cleaning for a better tomorrow" rocks!

 

[liza3]

That's tough that K is having trouble finding the good balance with meds. I hope she finds the right balance soon.

High humidity is so exhausting. I'm not looking forward to summer heat at all! Just trying to enjoy the spring here while it's still just pleasant.

 

[Marsia]

Thanks Liza, the doctor does have an option she wants to try, so fingers crossed. K is doing well now, so hopefully she doesn't need much of the new medicine. It rained on and off all day and our friend N came over with her neighbors and got the last of the plants- big muscadine grapes and some big pots filled with soil. They were really happy and fun, and K got to hang out with N's daughter again. Not much new. We meditated, studied, and had a lazy day. The weather this spring has been so weird - really hot and then cool and rainy alternating.

 

[Cate]

Thanks Liza, the doctor does have an option she wants to try, so fingers crossed. K is doing well now, so hopefully she doesn't need much of the new medicine.

It rained on and off all day and our friend N came over with her neighbors and got the last of the plants- big muscadine grapes and some big pots filled with soil. They were really happy and fun, and K got to hang out with N's daughter again. Not much new. We meditated, studied, and had a lazy day.

That sounds lovely, M xo

 

[Llama]

Fingers crossed for the new meds. We've been having wild temperature swings as well this year but I've decided that our current cold spell is the ice saints coming early and after that we'll have nice mild spring weather with regular rain at night. Because that's what I like

 

[liza3]

K is doing well now, so hopefully she doesn't need much of the new medicine

Good to hear. You guys seem to be doing a great job emphasizing all the non-medication helps to feeling better which I think is absolutely crucial. i think meds are a nice crutch to have, but definitely not a replacement for all the other stuff.

The weather this spring has been so weird - really hot and then cool and rainy alternating.

Nice you are getting some nice cool relief days!

 

[Marsia]

That sounds lovely, M xo

Thanks Cate!

Fingers crossed for the new meds. We've been having wild temperature swings as well this year but I've decided that our current cold spell is the ice saints coming early and after that we'll have nice mild spring weather with regular rain at night. Because that's what I like

Thanks! I love that, too!!

Good to hear. You guys seem to be doing a great job emphasizing all the non-medication helps to feeling better which I think is absolutely crucial. i think meds are a nice crutch to have, but definitely not a replacement for all the other stuff.

Nice you are getting some nice cool relief days!

Thanks Liza, the positive psychology course really helped us get focused so we remember to do some of the non-medication things each day. It really helps both of us so much. I like the way you put it about medication being nice crutch. I think of it similarly.

We've had nice cool last couple of days. Yesterday I got the beds weeded in the screen house and a lot of the paperwork done for homeschooling alternatingly. I noticed that my arms are getting skinnier from gardening. Today N met us at a beautiful little nursery that has a lot of unusual herbs and a beautiful bamboo grove next to a pond. There was a sweet little mop dog who loved being hugged there. The day whizzed by, so we are doing school tonight to make up for not getting a lot done. We had gotten home and the light was so nice, we went for our marsh walk and took lots of pictures. It was glowing pink and orange and there were flocks of birds everywhere and a dolphin playing in the river. I ate way too much fried chicken today. I have to stop buying it - it's just too hard not to eat too much of it.

 

[Cate]

We've had nice cool last couple of days. Yesterday I got the beds weeded in the screen house and a lot of the paperwork done for homeschooling alternatingly. I noticed that my arms are getting skinnier from gardening. Today N met us at a beautiful little nursery that has a lot of unusual herbs and a beautiful bamboo grove next to a pond. There was a sweet little mop dog who loved being hugged there. The day whizzed by, so we are doing school tonight to make up for not getting a lot done. We had gotten home and the light was so nice, we went for our marsh walk and took lots of pictures. It was glowing pink and orange and there were flocks of birds everywhere and a dolphin playing in the river. I ate way too much fried chicken today. I have to stop buying it - it's just too hard not to eat too much of it.

I am glad you have had some cooler days to get stuff done & fit in some pleasurable things too. Stay away from the fried chicken, M I'm envious of you seeing a dolphin. I have never seen one in the wild.

 

[Llama]

Do you get the pink river dolphins? They're so alien and special.