Llama
Well-known member
Divorcing someone like that does have its risks. But staying married does, too.
Marsia's Diary
- Thread starter Marsia
- Start date
sounds so lovely! Good you found out how to not get lost this time!
It must be horrible to realise that the person you married isn't who you thought they were. That's tough in itself, never mind all the stress of going through a divorce. But as time moves on, you will too. I'm glad you have a date set for mediation - I think it will make things easier when there's a set deadline for this thing.
Cate
Long term member
I am so glad that you told J off. That has had good results for your well-being & for taking away the thought that he may have been redeemable. I think that will help you move on.
Yay for dance & music & your lovely relationship with K & having a new start on the horizon xoxo
Yay for dance & music & your lovely relationship with K & having a new start on the horizon xoxo
In this case divorce is far less risky, for sure!
Thanks Liza! We were very pleased when we found our way back without having to retrace our steps this time.
Thanks Em, I think I am grieving the relationship I thought I had. The one I actually have is so awful that I have to counter that thought with the one good thing that came out of this - my daughter. I think I overlooked some bad red flags because my biological clock was ticking, and I just barely was in the window for having a healthy kid. I was getting more used to the stress of the divorce when the stupid therapist C really threw me for a loop. I was furious with her all week, and am feeling better now. The deadline is really helping. I just have to stop stressing out about having the house ready for sale by then. It's not going to happen by then. I need more time, so I think I'll work on distressing and just working smarter instead of harder so my shoulder stays happy.
Thanks Cate! I agree about it helping me move on, and I am happy you understand about what I needed to process. K and I are going to try to do a lot more aerobic exercise. The psychiatrist upped her medication, and it makes her so groggy, so we want to see if aerobic exercise will help her to get back down to the lesser dose. Having the new start become more of a reality is so nice!!
K and I started a gratitude/therapeutic journal today. It was nice writing down 3 things I am grateful for and feeling the feelings of each one. We have been doing longer walks and getting outside more, but I came in contact with some plant that made my skin rough and it is raw now, so I'm doing more in the house now. I had felt my skin swell up on contact, and put calamine on the places I thought came in contact, but missed a couple of places. Aloe vera seems to be clearing it up. It rained so hard last night and this morning. My volunteer veggies in the garden and mulch pile are so happy. I really want to get all my plants in the screen house soon. The marsh walk this evening was so perfect - layers of mist and a rosy sunset with all the colors looking rich and saturated and a nice breeze. It rained so much that the trail to our bench was a small stream. I am feeling much better now. It was nice having a few days to putter around in the house and cook and organize school stuff.
The gratitude journal sounds lovely. I agree about the aerobic exercise. For me it helps so much getting in a good run. That is really too bad about the meds making K more groggy though as that might be even harder, then, to get out for some good walks...hopefully it will be one of those short-term side-effects that passes...
Thanks Cate! I didn't realize until you said, but I am doing better! K is a little under the weather the last few days, so we are doing restorative yoga, which we are loving!! We are planning on doing little dance spurts when she feels better and working our way back to being good at aerobics.
Thanks Llama. K is going to try to do a medium dose half way between the low dose she was on and the higher dose the psychiatrist recommended. She is supposed to up the amount slowly anyway. We're both really happy with getting back into aerobics.
Thanks Liza, the grogginess is also hard for me. I get exhausted trying to get K up and doing things, but it isn't as bad as when she initially went on the medicine luckily. I'm really liking the gratitude journal. It's supposed to be way more effective if you sit and feel each thing you are grateful for and how it makes you feel. I love that part!
That's such good advice Em! I tried something similar today with doing myself little favors so the cleaning of the house to get it on the market is not so daunting, and it really perked me up and I tackled a few more little tasks. I think I get overwhelmed, too!
I've been watching too many videos on YouTube, but they are about topics I love, and it got me happier again. I am ready for round 2 of getting the house ready and finishing up school. I went back down to normal awful weight, which was nice. We got the outside of the house looking nice for a home insurance inspection. The instector was very weird and I wondered if this was just J having people check up on the house, but there is nothing to see that he hasn't already seen, so it got us to get everything picked up outside so I decided not to care. It's going to be so nice not worrying if I am paranoid or not! Anyway, we attended a nice online meeting on K's college program, and she loved that. Our repair projects are all being a pain and being way harder than we thought, so things are poking along, but it's just nice having forward momentum.
That's great that you are watching stuff that makes you happier!
Thanks everyone! I am so grateful for the nice messages of solidarity and encouragement. It helps so much. I am feeling back to normal now and inspired to get the house deep cleaned in preparation for moving. I got my bathroom done and some of the kitchen and washed bedding and lots of laundry, plus I cleared out a bunch of stuff in my room which feels nice and fresh now. I want to get outside and fix the screen room with K too so I can plant the volunteers coming up in the raised beds before the deer find them. A deer must have gotten trapped in the garden and took the fence down in two places, and I plan to get rid of the raised garden beds and put the good soil other places, so I am not repairing the fencing. It is a fancy house, and will have more resale value without a veggie garden. I have so much work ahead, but it is feeling so good to tackle some of it. My arm is worse in some ways and better in others. I can't reach high up, but my arm is stronger and doesn't hurt as much to use. I think the last big stressor made me tense up more muscles. I am hoping that getting back to regular meditation will help somewhat.
I think I have turned a corner with taking care of myself better. I have had all these flashes of self compassion and it actually feels good to do nice things for myself now. My appetite is smaller again. I just need to resist the urge to eat with K if she eats late at night and I need to wait to eat early in the morning when I wake up, because then I also want to eat a little something when K has breakfast. I am becoming like the hobbits with their second breakfast, elevensies, dinner, and supper!
I think I have turned a corner with taking care of myself better. I have had all these flashes of self compassion and it actually feels good to do nice things for myself now. My appetite is smaller again. I just need to resist the urge to eat with K if she eats late at night and I need to wait to eat early in the morning when I wake up, because then I also want to eat a little something when K has breakfast. I am becoming like the hobbits with their second breakfast, elevensies, dinner, and supper!
Llama
Well-known member
I like the sound of that. You deserve kindness and compassion.
Haha, that made me laugh. I'm like that on holidays! Just wandering from meal to meal. Lol.
Cate
Long term member
Well done getting so much done, M. It will feel so good with every job you do that moves you closer to selling. Isn't it a shame that having a veggie garden might be off-putting to some people?
That is excellent!
also made me laugh! I can relate to the hobbit life!
That's great you won't have to bother repairing the fence and can just go ahead and take it down. Nice to hear you sounding energetic and positive.
Thanks everyone! I was still a bit in the Shire last night. I made peanut butter mood (unsweetened chocolate, peanut butter, banana smoothie) for K and couldn't resist having a glass, but did well otherwise with food yesterday. I caramelized a big bag of onions and froze some for future meals and we had a nice meal of chicken apple sausage, roasted red peppers, and onions which always makes my stomach happy.
I get a bit nuts about having people inspect the house, and we are getting it appraised, so I have been stressed. There are packing boxes everywhere and things need dusting and rearranging, and instead of being ok with that, I decided to use the appraisal as an excuse to deep clean the house, which is fueling my perfectionism. I also need to find a way to channel my anger over all the divorce stuff because I am also doing things like criticizing K's website without thinking. It's coming out beautiful but at times looks disorganized and has big design things to fix, and instead of pointing those things out tactfully, I blurt out that something looks awful. It's like the spirit of my mom takes over and I am blunt and not considerate of K's feelings. (I know that part of it is that K is depressed and not helping with the chores unless I remind her constantly, and I am panicking about that because we need to be in high gear with prepping for moving.) That bothers me so much and I must fix it right now. I did apologize to her and we had a good talk.
Does anyone have things they do that are healthy to vent anger and pent up stress? I think this situation is getting to me where at any moment I might need to put the house on the market or I might have to wait until winter to move. I really don't do well with not having any way to plan for potentially stressful things. And I think I need to reframe my thinking about money, too. I will be moving to a place where housing is still relatively inexpensive, so we should be able to buy a little house in an ok neighborhood safety-wise, but I may still owe a ton in student loans, and K may have massive debt from college, and that is so frustrating. But I need to reframe this as extremely amazing that I can even own a house, and leave it at that.
I think mostly my problem is that there are just so many life stressors on top of each other. I have been meditating more and though we've been doing the Nutbush dance (which K calls the chipmunk dance) and some meditating and breathing exercises together, after the appraisal, I really want to concentrate on getting good aerobic exercise in several times a week. K is doing some on the treadmill and I will do that too if we don't get out on bikes or things like that.
I get a bit nuts about having people inspect the house, and we are getting it appraised, so I have been stressed. There are packing boxes everywhere and things need dusting and rearranging, and instead of being ok with that, I decided to use the appraisal as an excuse to deep clean the house, which is fueling my perfectionism. I also need to find a way to channel my anger over all the divorce stuff because I am also doing things like criticizing K's website without thinking. It's coming out beautiful but at times looks disorganized and has big design things to fix, and instead of pointing those things out tactfully, I blurt out that something looks awful. It's like the spirit of my mom takes over and I am blunt and not considerate of K's feelings. (I know that part of it is that K is depressed and not helping with the chores unless I remind her constantly, and I am panicking about that because we need to be in high gear with prepping for moving.) That bothers me so much and I must fix it right now. I did apologize to her and we had a good talk.
Does anyone have things they do that are healthy to vent anger and pent up stress? I think this situation is getting to me where at any moment I might need to put the house on the market or I might have to wait until winter to move. I really don't do well with not having any way to plan for potentially stressful things. And I think I need to reframe my thinking about money, too. I will be moving to a place where housing is still relatively inexpensive, so we should be able to buy a little house in an ok neighborhood safety-wise, but I may still owe a ton in student loans, and K may have massive debt from college, and that is so frustrating. But I need to reframe this as extremely amazing that I can even own a house, and leave it at that.
I think mostly my problem is that there are just so many life stressors on top of each other. I have been meditating more and though we've been doing the Nutbush dance (which K calls the chipmunk dance) and some meditating and breathing exercises together, after the appraisal, I really want to concentrate on getting good aerobic exercise in several times a week. K is doing some on the treadmill and I will do that too if we don't get out on bikes or things like that.
Llama
Well-known member
Exercise is the most obvious one in the category of venting but in the end I'm afraid you'll have to practice letting all that anger and stress go. Venting just pushes it off into the distance for a while and then it encroaches again.