Losing Weight in the Land of Chocolate and Cheese!

ASo guys, I just need to talk about some stuff and I don't really know where else to do it, so it's going to be here. I don't really expect you to read it or anything, seeing as I've been so selfish with this forum and haven't even been reading everyone else's diaries, so I can't expect you all to read and comment on mine. But even if nobody reads it, I know that I just need to talk about it. Maybe it will help me process.

Firstly, thanks for all saying how gorgeous I'm looking. :) You're all so lovely.

I have been feeling really great, really positive, just really happy. There are a couple of health issues, but they haven't been enough to dampen anything and make it all any less than awesome. But now tonight all of this positivity is a vague memory.

I had my gyno appointment yesterday and everything is great, Beanie is tip top. Which of course is fabulous. She weighed me, it's still going up like anything... but just yesterday morning I was thinking about how I have changed, and that now dunc doesn't hide the scales but I'm not even thinking about it. I've put it out of my mind and am just feeling good. I perhaps weigh myself once a week, if that. So when the doc weighed me and it was what it was, I wasn't worried. I talked to her about my weight loss history, she said it all makes sense and that as long as I'm trying to stay healthy, that is as much as she can ask for. She said that, without the baby and all the baby-related weight, it is probably just like i've put on about 6 kilos (though it's currently 17). So, even after having my scary weigh-in, I was still feeling positive.

Dunc was away for a work trip last night - just one night - and got home at 8pm tonight. I got to tell him all about our happily growing bubba, all about the crazy awesome amounts of German I have been speaking the past two days, etc. But when I told him what the doctor said about my weight, he didn't agree. He said that I am definitely not the same as what I was when I was 86kg (the weight she says I would be about equivalent to, without baby), and that my legs are much bigger than, that and that he's noticed that I'm falling back into my old habits of feeling hungry still after dinner. He said that I have a way of manipulating people into saying things about my weight that confirm whatever lie I am trying to tell myself at the time, and that's what I must have done with the doctor.

:cry: :cry: :cry:

I can't articulate how much this has affected me, and how totally shattered I am by this. Also, I'm totally shocked. I mean, this is my husband. He knows me and my issues better than anyone else on the planet. He is the only person in the whole wide world who knows how much I have struggled with bulimia, how this lasted for sooo many years, and how hard it was for me to get that under control. I asked him what he thought comments like this would achieve - why he felt he should say them. He said he wants to make sure that I am still grounded in reality... i tried to explain to him that the past year is the only time in my life where I have felt something close to a snippet of positive self image, and why he feels he needs to take that away at a time where I am freaking enormous, and have no choice but to get more enormous, I don't know. I know he feels bad now, and obviously didn't quite understand the gravity of what he was saying. And this whole idea of me manipulating people has really spun me out. I asked him why he felt the need to hide the scales before - wasn't this because he thought I was getting too worried and too focused on my weight, when I should focus on being happy and healthy? He said he did it because I told him that it wasn't good for me to be weighing myself so much, and you guys said he should.

I don't know how I can process this information in a healthy way. It has made me hate my body again. It has made me not want to go out because everyone will be looking at how enormous my legs are. I look at my belly and see the fat that is also there, not just the baby. I won't be able to wear anything that makes me feel comfortable. I won't be able to fit in because not only am I pregnant, but I am also 6 feet tall and fat. I won't be able to eat in public because everyone will be watching me and judging. I'm going to have to try to keep eating in a normal way for my baby when all I want to do is stop eating altogether. I feel like everyone that says I am looking good is lying or playing a joke on me. I know how terrible all of these things are, and that these are thoughts that are so damaging for me, and yet they are my reality right now.

Hopefully things will be different when I wake up in the morning.
 
Oh Joh, I just groaned out loud! That is awful!! What is he thinking? You think you really know your husband & he really knows you & understands you, & then , even after 40 years, they can come out with something that just hits you for six! A suggestion- ask him to read your last post. Copy & paste it into another document if necessary but get him to read it. He needs to really know you more & be much more sensitive & careful. I'm sure he is not aware of how fragile your self-esteem is. They are our rock & they need to be totally dependable. It may be hard for them sometimes but I'm sure he & my LH value us both enough to be that rock. You must make sure he is totally aware. Duncan is probably like my LH, in that their ego & self-esteem is very strong & they just don't know how it feels to be so fragile & unsure of themselves. Sweetie, I so wish I could be there right now with you. You are gorgeous & you are not fat!! I so wish I could sit with you & have a coffee/herbal tea & a really good heart-to-heart. I'm sending you all the love & hugs that I can muster. I know it's not enough sweetie. Dunc is the one to provide you with the comfort & support you need. Please don't hide how you really feel about this. Please show him that post. Lots of love, xoxoxoxo Cate.

PS What I said can't possibly articulate how I now feel. I just swore at Dunc & had a good cry! Was there something that happened to him on his trip that stressed him out & he's taken it out on you? Surely this can't be how he really feels. Is it his job? You & your baby are MUCH more important than anything else. I feel very frustrated, angry & upset!! B#*! GAH!!!!!!
 
ACate, thanks for replying and for understanding me. And for the virtual herbal tea. That is really what I need right now, you know? A girlfriend who knows everything, who can understand and who won't think I'm crazy. I was thinking about talking to my friend iida about it, but it's so freaking intense for me, and I don't want to use her like that. I should just see a bloody psychologist. *sigh* - in Australia this wouldn't be so difficult to do. Here... *sigh* language barrier issues.

You are right, in that his self esteem is so unshakable that he just can't fathom how fragile mine is. I don't know if I can make him read that post -- I know it is strange, but I think he will be so upset by it. And I talked to him (in between sobbing breaths) about all this last night. I truly didn't hide how I felt. I cried nearly all night and even this morning my eyes were just leaking of their own accord - I think this made sure that he understood the gravity of what he'd said to me. I told him about how now I feel like I've regressed five years, about looking at my belly and thinking it is fat, about not wanting to be seen in public, about being so ashamed to eat in public, about feeling utterly monstrous. He had a really great work trip, so it's not as if he was taking anything out on me. I really feel that this is actually him just being honest with me about what he thinks. Yes, it was insensitive - horrifically so, in my case. He said that he only slept four hours the night before and had such a full on day, and he was tired and said stupid things. But... we talked about it a little more this morning and I said the thing that I hate is that now I feel like he's watching me. He's watching what I'm eating and judging it - is it too much, when did I eat last, how much cheese is there on it, should I be eating this close to bed time, etc. And he's looking at my body and judging it - how big am I getting, it is appropriate, can I fit into my old jeans, is xyz tight, do I look huge, how does this compare to the variety of sizes I was in the past. So all of this makes me want to go back to my eating disordered ways of being completely deceptive - of only ever eating when I'm alone, of hiding food, of lying. And I've moved well and truly past that. But to know that the man I love is judging me in that way is very difficult for me to accept. I mean, right now I feel like I need to write him an email and tell him everything I have had to eat today so that he knows I'm being healthy. And again, this idea of me being manipulative with other people, even my doctor, about these things... I just don't know how to comprehend that.

He knows that this baby and I are the most important thing, but he still feels like he needs me to be honest with myself. Or at least that is what he thought before. He knows now to shut his mouth. I just wish that he didn't think or notice those things in the first place. I wish he thought that me being happy in my body was more important that me being well-grounded in the reality of my fat content. This is the kind of crap that my dad does - putting honesty above everything else.

He spent all morning telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me and that he is sorry. He wanted to take me out to breakfast but I couldn't deal with that. He said he could work from home so he can bring me tea and maybe make me lunch or something, but I said I just wanted to be alone here and sort through some stuff myself. So I'm pretty sure he realises.

Thanks Cate. For all the love and all the acceptance all the time. xxx
 
ABy the way, I just measured my arms and my thighs. My biceps and my thigh are the same as what they were when I was 87kg. Crazily, though, I measured my hip measurement and it was 14cm more! That's my bloody pelvis spreading like a maniac... weird!
 
Sweetie, I thought about you during the day yesterday & my heart was in my mouth when I read your post. I think Dunc needs a self-help book like "Tact with the ones you love" rather than you needing a psychologist. You are protecting him sweetie from being upset & I understand that, but sometimes the people we love need to be upset, to really understand how deeply they can hurt us. Dunc seems to me to have an obsession & he needs to get over it before your baby is born, not only for your sake but also for your child's sake. It's unhealthy. Life is meant to be balanced.

You will get through this time Joh & mostly the rest of your life will be wonderful. There will be ups & downs & you may also hurt Dunc badly along the way, unintentionally. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way. I don't think anyone's immune to being hurt by the ones they really love. Hopefully you & Dunc will come through this time even stronger & more caring & sensitive to one another. I think that you will.

I do so wish that I was there with you, right now. I'm really feeling for you & would love to be able to sit with you & have a real tea & a real hug. Instead I'll have to make do with sending you lots and lots of love Joh, :beating: xoxo Cate
 
Hi :) I'm new here (well, a returner) and was reading your diary, and wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about what's happening with your hubby.


I've had my fair share of guys who are 'looking out for my best interest' without realising they're stomping all over my feelings in the process.


IMO very few guys realise how weight is such a sensitive issue for women, even if they know we have a past history of ED's - it's different for us because we've had it drummed into us, in a way that most guys couldn't even comprehend, from day one that slim = success, beauty, everything, and we are surrounded by images, female mostly, or the slim 'beauty ideal' - which can lead to lots of self-destructive behaviour. I really don't think your husband was aware of how much he was hurting you - he was just on a mission of looking out for your best interest health-wise. He already seems to have figured out that he has upset you, and I think a little heart to heart and some patience with him to come round to the way you feel about weight, would help. I've been in that position before, and men can be slightly tactless although they mean well. I hope you do manage to sort things out, and you continue to be superhealthy for your growing baby :hug2:
 
ACate - Thanks for looking out for me, lovely. I really don't think that dunc has an 'obsession', I think he was just being a bit thoughtless. He wants me to be healthy because he knows how much I want to be healthy... it is so hard for me to try to explain to him the ways that I need his support, because I don't really know myself. Sometimes I wish he'd treat me like an adult and let me do /eat whatever the hell I want, other times I wish he'd do something else, etc. I know that I'm not an easy woman to live with when it comes to these things. He tries to support me by hiding the scales (for example) when I tell him that I don't think it's good for me... etc. I think I have to be more clear about what I need from him too - not his advice and judgement, but his unconditional love and him boosting my self esteem. We have talked about this A LOOOOT now... we are totally fine, and I am feeling much better -- I haven't had a relapse or anything, thank god. I've spoken to him a lot about how this has impacted me and changed the way I think about myself, and what I am worried this will now mean. I've spoken to him about how part of the crazies in my brain and the things they tell me. He;s spoken to me too about the things that confuse him, the things he finds hard because he doesn't know what to do, and we've been really honest with each other. It has definitely made us understand each other better. He spoke to me a lot more about what he mean when he said I was being manipulative, and that clarified the situation a lot for me... it's difficult to explain, but it makes sense and it's not even negative, it's just a part of the way everyone behaves, etc etc. Heused a lot of examples from the things he does that he can use to explain what he meant... We've also been tlaking a lot about Beanie and how we can try to shield this kind of thing from him/her... how I think it happened for me in the first place, etc. He's helping me find a good nutritional psychologist here that I can speak to. :) That's the kind of support I need. (you said you think he needs a self-help book instead of me needing a psychologist - haha. I think I need a psychologist. I had an eating disorder for so many years and have never had any help with that... so it's probably safe to say that the occasional psych meeting wouldn't go astray ;) )

Sophia - HELLO! Wow it is so horrible that you came to my diary for the first time right now when I am in crisis!!!!! Deardear dear dear.... But you are so absolutely right about everything you wrote there. I think one of the reasons this hit me so hard was because my hubby is really so much of an angel and makes me feel so incredible all of the time, so I was just utterly shocked. You are right that he was completely unaware of how what he was saying would hurt me, and the possible repercussions of this. But, by god, he knows it now!!! Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful comment to me - I really appreciate it.

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MEANWHILE I am feeling a lot better. Not totally perfect, but I am going out without being worried too much (no more than normal) and I am eating just fine. 'Superhealthy', as Sophia puts it. I do look forward to the magical day in the future (or like I was a few weeks ago) where I will not worry about what number I have on the scales, and when I don't look every week on the 'suggested pregnancy weight gain chart' and make myself go a little crazy...

WEEK 30
I am very anxious about putting up my next weekly photo, considering all the hooha of the past few days... Yes, my body is different, and not just my belly. But I must stop comparing. I weigh 98.5kg today, at 30 weeks. Sorry about the fake smile...
http://weight-loss.fitness.com/image/id/347029/width/247/height/700


Guess what? We went to a birthing class over the weekend, and the midwife said that she and her ex-colleague used to guess the gender of the 'surprise' babies, and over 16 years they had a 96% success rate. She guesses [COLOR=FF00AA]GIRL[/COLOR]. She says because I'm at the point where my belly button has almost popped out, but right now it's making a sad face. = girl. Happy face = boy. Hahaha. So she is the first one to guess girl. We'll seeeee!!!!

GREAT HEALTHY CHOCOLATE RECIPE
1/2 cup ground hazelnuts
1/4 cup finely chopped walnuts
10 dates, wizzed up into a paste.
1/4 cup shredded coconut
Lots of unsweetened dark cocoa.

Smoosh it all together, add a little water if necessary, press it into a baking tin, pop it into the fridge to harden and WOAH the yummiest non-chocolate chocolate ever!
 
Originally Posted by decisionmaker

Cate - Thanks for looking out for me, lovely. I really don't think that dunc has an 'obsession', I think he was just being a bit thoughtless. He wants me to be healthy because he knows how much I want to be healthy... it is so hard for me to try to explain to him the ways that I need his support, because I don't really know myself. Sometimes I wish he'd treat me like an adult and let me do /eat whatever the hell I want, other times I wish he'd do something else, etc. I know that I'm not an easy woman to live with when it comes to these things. He tries to support me by hiding the scales (for example) when I tell him that I don't think it's good for me... etc. I think I have to be more clear about what I need from him too - not his advice and judgement, but his unconditional love and him boosting my self esteem. We have talked about this A LOOOOT now... we are totally fine, and I am feeling much better -- I haven't had a relapse or anything, thank god. I've spoken to him a lot about how this has impacted me and changed the way I think about myself, and what I am worried this will now mean. I've spoken to him about how part of the crazies in my brain and the things they tell me. He;s spoken to me too about the things that confuse him, the things he finds hard because he doesn't know what to do, and we've been really honest with each other. It has definitely made us understand each other better. He spoke to me a lot more about what he mean when he said I was being manipulative, and that clarified the situation a lot for me... it's difficult to explain, but it makes sense and it's not even negative, it's just a part of the way everyone behaves, etc etc. Heused a lot of examples from the things he does that he can use to explain what he meant... We've also been tlaking a lot about Beanie and how we can try to shield this kind of thing from him/her... how I think it happened for me in the first place, etc. He's helping me find a good nutritional psychologist here that I can speak to.
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That's the kind of support I need. (you said you think he needs a self-help book instead of me needing a psychologist - haha. I think I need a psychologist. I had an eating disorder for so many years and have never had any help with that... so it's probably safe to say that the occasional psych meeting wouldn't go astray
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:blush5: sorry Dunc! Joh, I was really upset & angry on your behalf sweetie. I'm sorry if I over-reacted towards him as he does sound like a lovely man. I'm so glad that you have talked lots about it, & while Dunc may not really be able to fully understand how you want him to be, it seems obvious that he loves you madly & that unconditional love & boosting your self-esteem will be high on his priority list!

A nutritional psychologist sounds like a great idea. Re: your photo- Sweetie you look gorgeous so please don't be negative about it. I don't give a fat r.a. what you weigh or if you have put on weight on your legs or anywhere else. I'm glad that you haven't seen any pregnant photos of me! I think you look wonderful! xoxo Cate

PS I typed such a long post & then lost it so had to start all over again.DOH! I had better scoot! Lots of love sweetie!
 
Hey Joh i am really happy you ARE feeling much better about what happened.I LOVE your photos you look lovely!Cant wait for beanie to arrive!!!

I felt sad about what had happened and i wanted to answer you,but i was scared maybe you would be angry with what i would say,,,,,,

What your husband said was really horrible.I know that you hav talked about this and he has explained to you what he meant but still it is normal to feel really bad after that.BUT...

feeling so terrible , not wanting to go out, suddenly feeling like a monster , ugly , unatractive , feeling that you must hide while eating ect are really strong hidden feelings.They cant just be born by what your husband had said.They are in you from before,sleeping.I think that dealing with your feeling about yourself is wonderfull and the profesional you are going to be talking to will hepl lots i belive.No matter what i say or Cate says or nyone else says that you are gorgeous you wont belive us.I wish you will belive it though.You are sooo worth it.

i have had battles with my image,i still have them but i will never ever feel again that i am an ugly monster....And when i was pregnant i saw my body get big,huge ad i hated myself.I wrote in my diary "I am a big fat ugly monster "......i read that still today and i cry//////////////No,you must talk and deal with any self issues you have because you are worth to feel amazing and beautiful/Im sending you lots and lots of love and positive thoughts Joh girl!
 
AHey there my dear dear friend :)

I've been away for a few days just when you have a really bad time :( I'm so so sorry that you had to go thru that.

I read your first few posts this morning and thought about you alot today. I thought about what i would say to you to make you try and understand how bloody insensitive men can be without having a clue that what they say is really damaging and hurtful but coming back on here when i got home and finishing reading, i can see that Dunc has realised what he has done.
I am so so pleased that you guys talked properly about it and were both very honest with each other. Bottling it up is really harmful.

Men (well the majority of them) really just don't get our relationship with food and how the female brain works. They are like a whole different bloody species. Yes, i was really angry with him, like Cate, but i got to read how you guys managed to talk things thru before i wrote on here so i wont shout at him. He just gets a 'tut tut, you fucking idiot' from me.

Please please don't have any hang ups about your 'size' or 'weight' you look freaking awesome my lovely!!!!!!!! I noticed that you measured and your arms and legs and they are the same as before so he was wrong there anyway. Coping with what being pregnant does to your body is bloody hard....for both of you. Sometimes more so for the daddy as he is kinda on the outside looking in sort of thing.

God, i have really waffled, total bollocks probably but i just wanted you to know that i'm sorry i wasn't hear for you at a really hard time and that we are always here for you (just make sure i'm not away lol) when you need us. Don't feel bad about using us to offload on....that's what friends are for!!!!!

Sending you lots and lots of squishy hugs my lovely :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
 
AxxxxxHugsxxxxxx

I sort of know how you feel, the other day Nick was going over the top happy trying to cheer Lily up when she was crying and I told him his smile was freaky (big plastered grin+upset kiddie=not nice), and he said "You can talk", he knows that I completely hate my face when I'm smiling after my op, and I cried for about 5 hours over it and vowed never to smile ever again. When you are sensitive about something already, a small horrible comment can really knock you down. Like you said, he would be really upset if he knew quite how it had affected you, especially the way you feel that people would perceive you if you were eating in public and stuff... So it shows how much he really does love you. I do wish he hadn't said that to you though, and he is getting stern eyes directed at him through my google homepage. You have measuredyourself and your thighs are still the same, so that proves who is right doesn't it ;) And you do look beautiful, and you have a lovely bump still. Hows the SPD? And hows your book coming along? xxxxxxxxx
 
ABeaning and mom look the picture of health!! your bump is so perfect!! Makes me smile! I am sure you will be a great mom...no matter boy or girl!! sending hugs and more hugs!! :) :) :) :)
 
Originally Posted by decisionmaker


Sophia - HELLO! Wow it is so horrible that you came to my diary for the first time right now when I am in crisis!!!!! Deardear dear dear.... But you are so absolutely right about everything you wrote there. I think one of the reasons this hit me so hard was because my hubby is really so much of an angel and makes me feel so incredible all of the time, so I was just utterly shocked. You are right that he was completely unaware of how what he was saying would hurt me, and the possible repercussions of this. But, by god, he knows it now!!! Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful comment to me - I really appreciate it.
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Hi Joh, I'm so glad everything is fine now between you & hubby -- a good heart to heart is sometimes just what the doctor ordered! you did the best thing, especially discussing how you can sometimes misinterpret each other's remarks/behaviour.

Clearly your hubby just wants you to be healthy, and I think he will be far more tactful now;

Sometimes remarks/actions can be so unintentionally hurtful and if we hold all the pain inside it will just go spinning out of control -- that's why it's always good to talk things over.

By the way he sounds like a great guy - and very supportive... very sweet that he's willing to help you find a nutritional psychologist. I hope that you find a good one that will help you.

Love your pic - you look superfabulous and glowing and I wish you all the best
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Hey how are you doing miss?!!!Hope you and beanie are fine!!!!Come pop by to say you're fine,missing your updates!
 
AHi, my gorgeous friends. Thanks for all your support and all checking up on me all the time... you are all fabulous!

So I'm just going to say that I've moved past that major glitch I had a few weeks ago, and leave it at that. I don't want to go into a big ramble about it... but thanks so much for everyone's help with it all.

I actually told my Obgyn that I wanted to see a nutritionist and she booked me straight in to see someone who works in the same practice that she does - and what a waste of time that was!!! I think my problem is that I know TOO MUCH about food, not that I need to be educated about it. Things like 'even though lollies claim to have no fat, the sugar will convert into fat in your body'. duh. And we spent too long talking about the food pyramid and why you need lots of vegetables, why whole grains are better than white, etc etc. GAH. Waste of time. She then wanted me to write down everything I ate for four days in a row and come back, then she can see what I might need to fix... BLAH I know it all already. Like 'maybe you shouldn't have had that brownie there. And how many snacks was that in the one day?" yeah yeah. But I'm HUNGRY! :) So anyway, decided against the nutritionist. I know I should really be seeing a pschologist instead of a nutritionist, but it's so hard to find someone and sort things like that out here in Switzerland. And at the moment I feel like I have so many things I need to sort out...

Meanwhile, the bean is still in there!!!! :D Good job, little bean! I am getting stupidly excited about the whole thing, and doing my hypnobirthing training every day, surrounding myself with positivity about the birth (so don't tell me anything bad please!) and feeling really confident abotu the whole thing. The little bubba has hiccups multiple times every day and is a real squirmer, but I love all the wriggling! I'm still pretty much house-bound, but I've got great friends that keep me occupied. BABY SHOWER ON SUNDAY! You're all invited! Get your butts to Zurich and give me a bell when you're here, okay? ;)

Here is my latest pic - 33 weeks on our balcony. I would tell you what I'm weighing, but it's irrelevant...right? I'm being healthy and trying to make good choices as much as I can (except for the very occasional brownie). :)

http://weight-loss.fitness.com/image/id/351505/width/333/height/700
 
Hi Joh, It is so exciting waiting for Beanie's arrival. I'm so glad that he's behaving himself & being a little patient, even if it is giving him hiccups! Yep- it doesn't matter what you weigh. It will go soon enough & you haven't much choice at the moment, having to keep fairly still. It's lovely that you have such positive & practical & supportive friends around you. We all love getting an update from you & it doesn't feel quite right without you in here. Lots of love to you Joh, xoxo Cate
 
A:iagree:

You look stunning!! Just a picture of health....you have plenty of time to worry about weight after that sweet sweet joy is in your arms. You make me miss my babies...we have a driver in the house now!! O my where did the time go. :'(

Your going to do great....you will have a postive birth because you want it!! And beanie will have wonderful calm and happy parents to greet him/her in to your little family. Sending you tons of hugs and good vibes :)
 
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