Lisa's Final Countdown, The Good Days, the Bad, & the Ugly

Hey Lisa,

Thanks for stopping by my journal earlier. I came over and had so much to catch up on in yours (I've been so busy lately, hardly read any diaries this w-end)

LOL about the potato-peeling and my Gosh don't talk to me about chinese, I go crazy for it...... ahhh I'm sure there's a healthier way to make that stuff but I probably wouldn't enjoy it as much -- half the sheer delish-ness (I tend to make up my own adjectives) of chinese takeaways is how utterly BAD they are for you. That stuff is just dripping with bad-for-you-ness. Yummmmm. OMG I haven't had chinese in about 3 months. :ack2:

I am so sorry about what happened to you and Yvette, that's just terrible, I don't know what to say except I feel really bad for you both :(

I can understand that you may have fear or apprehension about getting thin, but well done to you for still making an effort to do it and sticking to your diet and that takes courage.

I can almost 100% guarantee however that once you do get thin (cos I am sure you will not throw the towel in, you seem v. motivated to me and are making excellent progress on the weight loss), you will learn to love it and the freedom it gives you. Especially in terms of how you feel health-wise and how you're able to move your body more easily, and enjoy exercise a lot more as it will be 10 times easier without the extra poundage. It's another world entirely.

Thanks so much for posting the pics of the lovely Lilly, she's sooooo cute. I love her with her little lampshade look, how sweet. If I saw her, I would cuddle her so much I'd end up embarrassing myself, haha. I hope her recovery is all going smoothly :)

Oh I didn't know you had a black kitty, of course you should post pics of her too..... bless!!
I love cats to bits as well... although as you can tell I am competely utterly DOG-crazy :)

Hope you are enjoying the rest of the weekend !!! :seeya:
 
Hey Lisa! For the pasta, I just toss it in a small amount of olive oil, so it doesn't stick together. When I reheat it, I just throw it in a pan on the stove and give a quick toss. Super easy!

Looking good girl!
 
cinderelly said:


Im not sure you mkae him out to sound bad but he should appraciate you makin him dinner and shouldnt complain abt what is on his plate.The thing is we all take your words in the context we read them in right:)I can see Brandy's point.
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OH I definitely agree, and that's why I said I felt I made him sound bad. These are journals so you guys are getting my perspective on any given day whatever mood I'm in and not always a complete one. Especially when I'm tired I tend to just get stuff out and don't always fill in the gaps.

So to give the bigger picture, my husband doesn't complain too much about what I cook now. Back in the beginning he did ...actually wouldn't eat mac & cheese out of a box or box potatoes because his mom always made them from scratch...who does that? Come to find out though that's about ALL she can cook. And after I got sick of it I did EXACTLY what Brandy said. The poor man ended up years without my cooking :X. Well I was working mega hours and going to school too so I didn't really do it out of spite....just got tired of being a short order cook and then I was barely gettin sleep so that's how we ended up eating so much dang fast food and box meals.

Anyway now I cook and he's ecstatic. I hear him bragging to his friends how he's eating this or that because his friends g/fs and wives don't cook. But after almost 8 years I do know what he likes so there's a difference between "oh this is good honey" and the look you get like you just invented T.V. and football all at once. I'm always goin for the second one, lol. Yea he's honest, the man doesn't like wheat bread. But hell I didn't cook it so it doesn't bother me, lol. And I did ask him what that was all about with the carrots the other night cuz I always serve veggies and he likes them. Talk about perception. He wasn't objecting to the carrots. It's just for years I've always gotten baby ones and I got these crazy cut ones that were pennies with ridges and mr. usually unobservant noticed and asked what was up, lol.

The other thing I haven't mentioned is he works 6 days a week, used to be 8-10 hour days. The last few months he's leaving by 5am and working 14-16 hours in a delivery truck making stops all over the state and sometimes out of state. So by the time he gets home these days he's lucky to have a few hours before he has to go to bed and do it all over again. Not to mention while he's working he eats little if at all, even if I try to send food with him. Which half the time he's tired and forgets that early in the morning. So we're not eating the same at all and I'm not about to force him on a diet with me. Well especially considering I don't feel I'm on one. He tried the low-carbing with me and was very supportive but I'm just done with the dieting crap. I fix things I know he likes and I'm trying to get my freezer stocked up with home cooked food he can put in the oven on weekends when I'm not there. Then if I've eaten too many calories before dinner that day I have side dishes for him seperate from mine...hence all the mashed potatoes in small servings.

So yea...if I'm cranky at times now ya'll know why. I miss my hubby these days. His one day off I have to work and when he does try to spend time with me watching a movie or something he's so tired he falls asleep. But right now his company is training him on ALL their routes so I'm hoping once he gets his own things will change. And hey I did get flowers this month JUST because so I must be doin something right :D
 
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So food today...well yesterday now cuz it's after midnight. I started off great but it was crazy hectic and with all the running I didn't get dinner until LATE. I was so hungry I was about to eat somebody's arm off and as you can see I was grabbing fuit I'd brought with me to try and get by. I had a frozen dinner but no chance on the run to heat it up. I got tempted with M&M's by my boss and after like the 3rd time she shoved them at me I finally looked at the calories. Then just to bug her I opened them, sorted them out by color and how many and divided it up exactly in half. Was all very methodical, lol. Then I did eat half of them and gave the rest to one of the girls so was only 125 calories. At 9:30 tonight I finally got taco bell as we were heading back to the house because I was so hungry. I did have my food planned but like I said, I wasn't expecting today to be like that and it's not the norm. Fast food once in a great while is no biggie but I don't plan on making it a habit again. And I did stay in my calories today so I was glad about that :)

bob evens light breakfast sandwich-300

banana-100
peach x2- 120
orange-80

bob evans brunch bowl-360

1/2 bag peanut M&M's -125

beef burrito and chalupa (taco bell)-830

Total-1915
 
Hey there Lisa :). Lots of little comments. About the situation with your creepy step-brother, I must say many parents were VERY different and lax in their duties. Mine left us alone when we were like 6 years old and thought it was fine.. I got preyed upon when I was 16 thanks to that. Or maybe its just me and the people I know who are much more careful and paranoid as parents? Have times changed or is it just my own standards are far higher? I hope standards on carefulness have changed..

I often feel like a short order cook with my H, but he would starve if I didn't feed him. He can't cook and he can go a long time without eating, he just gets headaches which he doesn't even equate with hunger so I dont like that either. Since his pleasure is rice or french fries, its dead easy to just throw it on the stove or the fries in the deep fryer. But sometimes it gets annoying when I have to cook for him when I already ate or not even hungry. I can't believe there are wives and girlfriends who get away with not cooking! I must be with a chauvanist (oh, no surprise there..). But its nice of us to care about their health and comfort..
 
Claudia, you're a keeper :) You always come here with encouragement and understanding and truly brighten my day.

I was just thinking today if we all lived closer and I could have all these wonderful people I've met here for offline friends, I'd be a happy camper and probably a size 5, lol. Guess what I'm tryin to say is good friends are normally hard to find.
 
I know it's not the beginning of the year but I've been seriously thinking of starting a fresh journal. I'm in just such a different place with the weight loss now that I'd like a symbolic turning point. But I do worry it'd cause confusion and I can't think of a new catchy title. I'm really over the one I have now but there's alot of titles that have been done already. If anyone has any ideas let me know.
 
Ivette8uNOmore said:
I got molested when I was 8 and never wanted to be skinny again.. I didn't know it then but now I have been able to understand my issues.....I'm so happy with myself though Lisa.. This year I truly feel I have found myself again.[/B]
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douknowjello said:
Wow, I was molested too as a child, when I was 6 by my stepbrother. Amazingly I worked past it as an adult but I think it was a big part of why I kept the weight on as a kid....Also having pcos even when I tried before, losing weight was friggin horribly difficult...I still have screw ups but by doing this and not really having any off limits foods I'm not feeling deprived or the need to binge or quit for months at a time. This is the first time in my life I've ever lost weight and been content at the same time, it's so weird.
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Blancita said:
So sorry to hear about that Lisa and Ivette, what a horrible thing to happen. This is totally way off topic but do you believe there IS anyway to protect your child sometimes? I mean, these were 2 trusted family members. In hindsight, is there anything the parent can do to prevent this when its not some stranger and the parent trusts the evil person? I have a 3 year old daughter..
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:iagree: So sorry that happened to you two :cry: And I agree with Claudia because I have lots of close friends who were messed with as youngins, and by family members as well :(

I'm truly glad to hear that Ivette and Lisa are happy and ready and willing to face the fears that come with weight loss. I've read a lot about it and seen a lot of people face the SAME situation within themselves. It a TRIUMPH to combat it!
 
Blancita said:
So sorry to hear about that Lisa and Ivette, what a horrible thing to happen. This is totally way off topic but do you believe there IS anyway to protect your child sometimes? I mean, these were 2 trusted family members. In hindsight, is there anything the parent can do to prevent this when its not some stranger and the parent trusts the evil person? I have a 3 year old daughter..
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Hey Blancita: I have a 3 year old too.. I guess in my opinion the only thing to truly prevent this is to trust no one.. My mom and dad trusted them so much they took me to get babysat there everyday. I think in life you can love everyone but trust no one fully.. I have my son in preschool and I check up all the time. I will show up at different times through out the day all the time.. I talk to my son a lot. I ask him how was school, how is your teacher?? Kids have a tendency to lie sometimes but everything he tells me I take into account. When he's scared I try really hard to find out what scares him and why. I always make my son think as well that I'm like super women.. No one is stronger than me.. I remember my uncle threatend to kill my parents if I told and I believed him. I didn't want my parents dead. My parents it wasn't there fault but I felt he was stronger than him so I hid the secret until I was 18. I think it's all based on communication. If you speak to your kids and make them know that with you they are safe and no one can hurt you. You can't prevent it 100% but you can be very aware of your surrounding. My uncle was an asshole with his kids and my parents knew that.. That should have been the 1st sign that if he treats his kids like shit they sure as hell aren't going to take care of others right.. Hope it helps but truly there is no answer. It's sick and happens everyday.:)
 
Ivette8uNOmore said:
Hey Blancita: I have a 3 year old too.. I guess in my opinion the only thing to truly prevent this is to trust no one.. My mom and dad trusted them so much they took me to get babysat there everyday. I think in life you can love everyone but trust no one fully.. I have my son in preschool and I check up all the time. I will show up at different times through out the day all the time.. I talk to my son a lot. I ask him how was school, how is your teacher?? Kids have a tendency to lie sometimes but everything he tells me I take into account. When he's scared I try really hard to find out what scares him and why. I always make my son think as well that I'm like super women.. No one is stronger than me.. I remember my uncle threatend to kill my parents if I told and I believed him. I didn't want my parents dead. My parents it wasn't there fault but I felt he was stronger than him so I hid the secret until I was 18. I think it's all based on communication. If you speak to your kids and make them know that with you they are safe and no one can hurt you. You can't prevent it 100% but you can be very aware of your surrounding. My uncle was an asshole with his kids and my parents knew that.. That should have been the 1st sign that if he treats his kids like shit they sure as hell aren't going to take care of others right.. Hope it helps but truly there is no answer. It's sick and happens everyday.:)
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I was only like 5 or 6 so my stepbrother told me different things...mainly he had me convinced it was my fault and also that my parents wouldn't believe me anyway. And my mom DID talk to me about stuff like that but she also let that ass take naps in my bed when we lived in a two bedroom apt. while I was playing in there. I remember even telling her he had his "thing" out and touching my sheets and that should have been a clue. There were other signs as well cuz of stuff I remember saying to her. Honestly as a parent I think if she'd wanted to know she would have but my family is about denial and sweeping things under the rug.

For me though it didn't go as far as it could have...I did eventually tell when I was at a family gathering and he was trying stuff again. There's alot of people who had it ALOT worse than me. But the worst part of it for me was not that it happened but how ashamed I felt. I mean I seriously can't explain how much I took that on myself as my fault and felt guilty like I was a horrible person and bad because of it. And the few people I did talk to about it growing up...well they never knew what to say and were so uncomfortable that it made me feel even more weird and horrible about it. Guess I'm only talking about it now in hopes that somebody else will get something out of it.

I used to binge eat growing up and this went into my early 20's. I seriously do think it was because of that. My husband was the first person I was able to talk to about it that made me feel better and not like I was weird back when we were dating. I got alot of healing out of that and it was like all the shame and guilt just disappeared. I honestly don't think about it unless somebody brings up something similar. I don't really have strong feelings about it anymore and really have worked past it. It's just a bit embarrassing to talk about it regardless. I do think parents have to be careful because it is way too common these days. I meet more people who have been through molestation than not anymore. Guess as a parent you just do your absolute best and always keep an eye open. I really do think in alot of cases there are warning flags if the parents are willing to see them.
 
Food today:

Breakfast:
banana crunch cereal w/ raspberries-280
banana-100
dried fruit-100

Lunch-bob evens light breakfast sandwich-300

light ice cream bars x3-300

Dinner:
parmeson noodle roni-387
birds eye mixed veggies and cheese-100
tilapia fish-396

s/f pudding-60

Total-2023
 
Wow, girl. You have overcome so much! I could not even imagine being in your shoes. Good for you for working through it. Different people handle things in different ways, and your eating was your coping mechanism. I'm so glad that you are at a point in your life where you can say NO I'M NOT THE VICTIM ANYMORE. Women like you are amazing! You are amazing and don't ever think otherwise. I agree with whomever said trust no one because that is really the truth. The case with your parents is one I have heard before, with parents wanting to deny it because it is easier to deal. Never let anyone put your feelings aside again! I'm glad you are with someone supportive and loving, whom you feel comfortable!

I love you girl!
 
douknowjello said:
I was only like 5 or 6 so my stepbrother told me different things...mainly he had me convinced it was my fault and also that my parents wouldn't believe me anyway. And my mom DID talk to me about stuff like that but she also let that ass take naps in my bed when we lived in a two bedroom apt. while I was playing in there. I remember even telling her he had his "thing" out and touching my sheets and that should have been a clue. There were other signs as well cuz of stuff I remember saying to her. Honestly as a parent I think if she'd wanted to know she would have but my family is about denial and sweeping things under the rug.

For me though it didn't go as far as it could have...I did eventually tell when I was at a family gathering and he was trying stuff again. There's alot of people who had it ALOT worse than me. But the worst part of it for me was not that it happened but how ashamed I felt. I mean I seriously can't explain how much I took that on myself as my fault and felt guilty like I was a horrible person and bad because of it. And the few people I did talk to about it growing up...well they never knew what to say and were so uncomfortable that it made me feel even more weird and horrible about it. Guess I'm only talking about it now in hopes that somebody else will get something out of it.

I used to binge eat growing up and this went into my early 20's. I seriously do think it was because of that. My husband was the first person I was able to talk to about it that made me feel better and not like I was weird back when we were dating. I got alot of healing out of that and it was like all the shame and guilt just disappeared. I honestly don't think about it unless somebody brings up something similar. I don't really have strong feelings about it anymore and really have worked past it. It's just a bit embarrassing to talk about it regardless. I do think parents have to be careful because it is way too common these days. I meet more people who have been through molestation than not anymore. Guess as a parent you just do your absolute best and always keep an eye open. I really do think in alot of cases there are warning flags if the parents are willing to see them.
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You know what yeah I had a lot of guilt too I think growing up.. No one ever understood either.. It seemed like even when I turned 18 people who heard just could'nt relate. I have talked with my mom about it now and yeah she's in denial. She still doesn't accept it I think. Maybe she feels guilt that she didn't protect me. I am fine now and your right the only reason I talk about it now is to free myself even more and to yeah maybe my story can actually help others.. It's a much easier topic for me but I do know this was the main reason I always hid behind my weight As years went by other issues came in the way but that started it all. In college I took a lot of child development to be able to psychologically cope with my abuse and know that it wasn't my fault. But your right lisa I did feel growing up like it was my fault and I felt guilty. I still feel guilty I guess and I have never ever told his kids. He has a daughter and a son and I see them like twice a year and have never told.. Crazy but overall I am over it now and it's intresting that you had the same exact issue. :beating: I am happy now and free..
 
I can't speak directly from experience... only vicariously as the man who loves the woman who was the survivor of many repeated sexual abuses at the hands of her father and two older brothers. What I know is that it can take on a life of its own if it has not been dealt with and it is good on both of you to recognize it and deal with it.

My wife dealt with it. She had my support through all of it, including hospitalizations and counselling. we have been married for over 21 years. We have 2 kids, daughters, 19 and 21 whom we have practiced the art of trust... but verify... with for their childhood into adulthood. in other words... Not on my watch dammit! Barring any unforeseen circumstances that we have absolutely no control over, they will always be the choosers of their own sexual partners. Hopefully nothing will ever be forced upon them.

I've seen the damage it is capable of, and the strength it takes to get past it. Ivette and Lisa, I give you both a ton of credit for recognizing and dealing with the issues, and becoming better people.
 
Thanks Ivette, I will definitely be sure to do what you're doing now that you mention it. Ask questions and stuff and act strong (I already do that anyway so she'll know I'm no wimp LOL). There are only very nice women at her daycare so I hope I can trust them. I never show up at odd times cuz I'm at work, never even considered there could be a problem there but you're right, we should never assume. I guess you really can't trust them being around most people, especially men it seems. And of course be suspicious when you get a hint from your child. Duh! Back then the way of the world was denial and sweeping things under the rug. If you grew up in the 70's and before that is. Things were so different and all major issues were better kept hidden. As for me it was sort of a date rape/statutory rape situation and I never started equating it as rape until a few years ago, the realization kind of hit me suddenly and made me feel worse about it than when I was in denial..
 
After we've been talking about this it's made me reflect on some stuff and really think about it. I hesitated to post any more because I really think it would hurt my mom if she ever saw this but I doubt she will. But in case it helps anyone else here goes.

First I do think there's cases where this just happens and there's nothing the parents could have done or seen ahead of time. But like Claudia said, times are so different now then when this happened to me. My parents really had their heads up their asses. To give some background my mom went through some horrible mental and physical abuse as well as being the one to find her little sister when she died of crib death. She was kicked from one family member to another and suffered alot of rejection in her teens. I think because of this it really made her go along with her b/fs or husbands to keep the peace more than she should. My stepdad who raised me is who I consider to be my dad and he's a wonderful man. I love him dearly and he treats me like his own. Unfortunately though my stepbrother's mother used him as a weapon against my dad from day one and had him convinced everything was his fault. So anything my stepbrother did wrong my dad couldn't handle...he was a huge blind spot for my dad and eventually even after 13 years of marriage caused my parents to divorce.

I went into all that to explain better. I love my parents but they had their own baggage that affected the situation, as well as the times we lived in. I feel for me and any child, how stuff was handled after I was molested was just as important and they really dropped the ball. My mom believed me but downplayed the whole thing and it was swept under the rug pretty fast. That's what my family has done for generations. And my dad really didn't believe it at first and then I think just couldn't deal with it so it was as if it never happened. My stepgrandma believed me though and I remember hearing her go to bat for me and it meant alot. She was mean as all get out but I loved that woman, lol. Unfortunately my stepbrother's mother didn't believe it either and let him babysit a close friend's little girl the very next day after I told on him. He molested that little girl too and because he thought he could get away with it at that point, she got it alot worse than me. He was sent to get counseling and help but I got none.

In fact with a year or two my mom and stepdad were trying to get custody of him and moved him right in the house. I was even left alone with him again as I got older as if nothing had happened. And my mom couldn't understand why the child (me) who used to do everything I was told would no longer listen to her or mind immediately. I remember raiding the kitchen and binging at a very young age all the way up into my 20's. I'm sure it also didn't help that my mom had me on diets including Atkins as early as 3 years old. Again it was the 70's, they really had no clue back then.

Now this is the part I really want to explain well because it sounds very bad. I love my mother alot and she went through hell in HER childhood. But as it often plays out that ended up being passed down to me. She became very depressed off and on and was not only mentally abusive but often became violent. We finally went to family counseling the summer before I went into the 4th grade. My dad had come in just in time to pull my mom off of me because she had choked me unconscious. She told me the counseling was because I was so bad and if it didn't work then they were sending me to a foster home. I was threatened with this all the way until I was 18...at which point my mom didn't want to be alone and begged me not to move out and wouldn't help me get my driver's license because she knew I would.

My mom definitely had something wrong with her. She would often be fine for months, this loving mother who would help me with my homework and do all the right things. But on bad days she still was very mentally abusive and often tore me down on my appearance and weight. Then when she'd get very depressed and moody, especially in winter, she was not only mentally abusive but extremely violent and often with no warning. I honestly think she blacked out sometimes and doesn't remember. I'm not going to get into all the gory details but lets just say it was very bad at times. And she was very good at making me always think it was my fault and I deserved it. And if her and my dad fought, well that was always my fault too regardless of what it was about.

So looking at the whole picture, growing up I really thought from childhood on I deserved all of this and I was just so bad, when in reality I was a really pretty good kid. But with my mom and even grandparents and other family members beating me down mentally, all the physical abuse, and then having to be around the person who molested me for years, it's not difficult to see where the self destructiveness and feelings that I was a bad person and not worth any respect came from. Thank goodness times had changed though and it was because of stuff in school that as I got older I started to realize it was NOT my fault. Unfortunately that brought anger and resentment and more problems between my mom and I.

I do want to say on the positive side that my mom has a different husband now who makes her very happy. He was able to make her get the help that I never could. She's mellowed ALOT and we talked years ago after some stuff came to a head and I confronted her. She actually apologized. And honestly I know the stuff she went through in her childhood from other people and understanding can go a long way to forgiveness. The stuff with her though is alot harder to talk or think about than anything else though, so I don't dig it up.

And honestly I'm in such a different place now and so different from even ten years ago, alot of that doesn't even feel like it happened to me. Distance is good I think and it's good to leave the past in the past except to resolve present issues. I do think I have alot more love for myself as a person but the weight is the last thing that needs to go. This baggage is not who I am anymore and I'm tired of being judged by it. But for anyone reading this I hope if you take away anything from it, its that you can be happy regardless of what has happened to you. And I do mean happened TO you because it is doesn't have to consume who you are. I'm not saying it's easy but these things can be worked through and there's alot more healing to be had then some people realize. We all deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else and life is too short not to realize that :)
 
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