General hysterical diet related rambling: From Flab to Fab.

AToday has been even worse. My nerves are completely frazzled, Charlie is having a complete meltdown at the moment banging his bedroom door and making noises. I came close to having a full blown panic attack on the tube. I have broken up with Nick. But I won't consider us officially broken up til he moves into his own flat. These break ups tend to happen with us every 5 months or so. He said some really horrible things to me. He always picks..... (Christ, Charlie is throwing books out of his 3rd floor window now).... on me when I'm feeling down. Always. He is a bully, and he has said that he despises weakness in people, it just makes him want to make them even weaker. He said two horrible things to me. Not horrible, nasty. I can cope with no sex, no affection, no cope with no affection, no conversation, no joy, no sex, but I am not going to be talked to that way in front of my children. Just spent 20 minutes upstairs trying to calm down Charlie.

There are many good reasons why we should break up, but the most important one, is that I am not willing to live the rest of my life without affection. I hadn't mentioned that we've slept in separate beds for the past 7 years have I? I don't fantasise about sex in bed at night, I fantasise that I am being cuddled. How sad is that? I know that if I gave him another chance that he'd be all cuddly and affectionate for a week, he wouldn't stop touching me, but then after that there will be nothing again.

I really don't want to be on my own. Its going to be hell in fact, I know that from the small taster of what the kids have been like just one evening without him. We shouted in front of the kids earlier on, I'm so ashamed. They know something major is up. Lily has cried a lot today, before bed she was crying because she didn't get to show daddy her new jewellery and accessories I bought her. Charlie has gone completely beserk. He goes mental if his routine is messed up the tiniest bit, I hate to think how he'll be..... he's out of bed, again.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH.

If there is a random string of letters in a moment, it will be because I'm hitting my head on the keyboard.

Upstairs, for the third time.....

Fuck. My life has fallen apart quite spectacularly now, really.

I had better buy a new computer, as the computer is his. I have made £200 from ebaying so far, I think I'll spend that money on a new computer.

No noise from upstairs for 5 minutes, god, I hope he is asleep.
 
I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I know that with your strength and determination you WILL get through this. Anyone who enjoys making someone weaker, is just trying to build themself up so they don't feel inferior. I wish you weren't so far away because I would hug you so tight right now. You're such a wonderful person. I've known you less than two months, but you're an inspiration and a great friend! You don't deserve anything you're going through right now. I know I'm just a person on the other side of the world, but me and everyone else here will be your cyber shoulders to cry on and rant at.


I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers girl.:grouphug:
 
A:iagree:

My sweet rainbow.....I hate it all for you....I can't even imagine the stress....I am sending as much positive vibes as humanly possible!! You are so strong ....u will get through it all....and you will be even stronger for it!!! Hugs and hugs and more hugs!!! You are sources of inspiration and motivation around here....I hope we all can return the favor for you now!!
 
AAww sweetheart. I hate that you are going thru this and i can't be there for you personally.
You can see from everyones posts what you mean to us all.

Mega big squishies and my offer about calling still stands, just let me know. We can have the 'happy conversation' another time.

Love ya loads sweetie.

Xxxxxxxx
 
AGirl, you are going through a tough time. But regardless how bad you feel, remind yourself: this shall pass. You will get through this phase and it will make you feel strong and independent. You deserve so much better than your ex-boyfriend. It may seem scary to live by yourself and take care of the kids, but honestly, you will find you have more innerstrenght than you ever thought you have. In a way, this opens a door to starting a new life, and new chances of finding a truely loving relationship. Expect the best for yourself!!!!
 
ARainbow i wish i lived near id be there in a second.I feel for you and i know how you feel.Maybe you re feeling a bit scared right now not knowing how to deal with these matters but you are a strong woman , you are young and you will be fine so will your children.it so difficult to be sad breaking up and having your children crying and hitting things.It feels like youre just going to fall appart.But you dont.You keep going and you will be fine at the end of all

I nearly cryied wen u said you fantasize about someone cuddleing you.I feel you.I have felt that too.You deserve to be loved and cuddled and to feel important in somemans life.I am not going to give advice on your relationship cause its a very delicate matter.Im just going to tell you that you are faboulous and your kids are going to be proud of you when they grow up.You stoud strong and you are managing well in this situation.
Dont worry much about your 2 bad eating days.Try to calm and figure things out.Even wen things are calmer maybe you will have put a couple of pound on but we are going to be here for you
so all is going to be fine.

After a bad rain the sun always shines rainbon.
Sending you hugs thinking of you
 
AI'm so, so sorry to hear about this. Sod the diet for the time being (to the extent that you can't deal with it), work on getting your life back into something approaching order. Just do what you need to do to get through each moment. Like Kate, I'm hear if you want to talk, you know where to find me.
 
Sounds like life will be easier when this guy is out of your life Ruth. Wishing you lotsa strength for you dear. As Amy says, do whatever you have to do and if that includes eating, just do it and do the dishes later. :D
 
ASo sorry to hear about the rough time you're going through. Diet is not that important right now, keep it in check if u can if not, who cares? Tbh it seems like you should get him outta there as quick as you can. He's making you miserable and you don't deserve this at all!! You will find someone in time that will make you happy. But when i grew up my parents had such a terrible relationship, Always fighting, arguing, not talking, and its also not nice for the kids to grow up in an enviroment like that. I dont know if hes a good father, i hope he atleast is that, then the kids can see him still and hopefully you can still be civil with each other and work something out. I was so glad when my parents got divorced because they just weren;t right for each other, and it was hell on us kids for all those years. It's not that nice being alone, sure.. but you have friends right? hopefully they can stick with you through this period. Try and keep your chin up love. Find something you enjoy to do and do it to keep your mind off things. Just try to enjoy your life sometimes! Do some fun stuff, it makes things easier right? I hope you're okay! Take care..
 
AOhh hun!! I didnt have time to read your text earlier when I was online but now I read it! Im so sorry and it makes me feel so sad that you have a situation like that going on! :(
This reminds me of my ex and when we broke up.. Those feeling came on my mind and I totally get you. We didnt have any affection towards each other either in the "end"..
But YOU WILL get through this and you will survive from this! Like Jasper said, you're a fabulous strong woman and you deserve to be loved!!! I wish I could be also there for you and help you getting through this hard part of your life.. :(

Let us know you re there lovely!!

Hugs!!! xoxo
 
AHi darlin,
You won't BELIEVE it - TRULY!!!
I'm in San Fran suffering pretty big-time from jetlag, and I just have not been able to pull myself out of bed. I kept having a recurring dream that I woke up, accessed internet, and that you had written an entry about the fact that you have been going through a terrible time and need to say goodbye to the forum. I couldn't believe it - I was so so so upset and didn't know what to do to try to make you change your mind!

So eventually, after seriously about eight of these dreams, I have dragged my arse out of bed, and here I am. And you have written that you were thinkign about throwing in the towel altogether (though hopefully that's all behind you now), and now have told us all about this terribl time that you are going through. WEIRD.

I don't know what I can say to make you believe that we are all here for you, but I think everyone else's comments above should show that to you for sure. What an incredible bunch of people this forum has attracted.

I am so proud of you for sticking up for yourself and believing that you deserve more. You DO deserve more. You are such a beautiful, strong and incredible woman (with the wickedest sense of humour around!), and you know you deserve cuddles. Someone who will love you so much that they just can't ever think of going to bed at night without putting their arms around you.

Screw the diet for a while - just look after yourself and your kids. If you need to just get on here for a while like Eerika did, and just tell us all updates on your life, do that. IT doesn't matter for a while. Remember, though, that ice cream doesn't actually make you feel better.

Sending you so much love. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM - feel it? SO MUCH! Across the Atlantic!
 
AI have managed not to cry for the last two days, but after reading all your lovely messages I am crying buckets. That is so weird you had that dream Joh. Really really spooky!

I just don't know what to do. Today I was supposed to go to badminton and get my hair cut, then tomorrow I was going to go to the notting hill carnival which I've been looking forwards to for weeks. But instead I am sitting here completely drained, and I can't even think. I couldn't sleep last night until 6 in the morning, just so exhausted. Nick has been giving me suicidal shit all day long, and I can't deal with it. Have been emotionally numb till now.

I don't love him the way I used to, and I know that our relationship isn't happy. I know there is so much more out there, and I don't want this for the rest of my life. But at the same time, I think I might be more miserable as a single mum than I am with him. We don't argue all the time, and he is a good dad. We aren't a good family though. Its either me and the kids, or him and the kids. Since swimming two weeks ago we haven't even left the house together, or even sat watching telly together.

I think I'll be miserable with him, and miserable alone. But at least the kids might be happier if he's here. As far as he is concerned right now, we are totally over. I dunno if I can bring myself to tell him we should have another go of it. He is storming round the computer room right now saying "I'll get over it". Having a go at me for being so cold to him. But what's the alternative? Be nice to him?

I just really don't want to be on my own with the kids. I can meet up with people at the weekend, but from monday to friday I'll just be completely on my own. Not sure I could handle it. I just don't know..... Think I might say to him we'll go to the carnival tomorrow and see how it goes. Not sure tho.

Been existing on coffee today. I had special fried rice from last nights Indian, two bits of southern fried chicken and a handful of chips, four nutrigrain elevenses, two bits of toast, And I'm gonna have 2 eggs on toast now.

I'm so sorry that I haven't commenetde on anyones diaries, I've been neglecting you all :(

Thank you so much guys :grouphug:
 
AChin up Ruth! Stay strong and try to think positive things. It'll all work out in the end, it always does :) xxx
 
I know the situation is tricky honey but if you sleep in separate beds and he shows you no warmth or affection do you really want him sticking around? Single life would be hard but thousands of people are single mums and go on to meet lovely men and have new experiences. You're so young to be settling for someone who doesn't show you the love you deserve. Thinking of you, know you'll get through this. Please hang tough and don't make any rash desicions until you have mentally and physically refreshed and had a chance to go through things with a clear mind xxx
 
I don't see why you should be unhappy on your own with the kids. There are ways you can bring people into your life. You might have to make a bit of effort in the beginning and go through some tough times while you make some important changes but if it gets the negative factor out of your life, isn't that better. you are just doubting the change beucase you are comfortable in your comfort zone and afriad of change. There is no reason why it has to be worse. There is every reason why it could be better though. You could join a single mums group for a start so that you will be in the same situation as other mums.


Don't be afraid of change. Change can bring unexpected fantastic things into your life. You have to take risks to move forward in life. Failure at something is really not a big deal. Cause you can move on to the next thing if something you try doesn't work out. Hell you could even get the bloke back if you felt you'd made a mistake.


Don't give in to the suicidal threats. Everyone feels suicidal at the end of a relationship, especially if it wasn't our choice. Rarely do people end it in such circumstances. I think you bloke just sounds so manipulative. Courage Ruth.
 
AI cant give much of advice rainbow cause i have felt like that many times in the past thinking that i would be miserable anyway so just stay to make things a bit easier....
Its a bad feeling.And it prisons you in living in a way that makes you feel "safe" in your misery....
I am thinking of you and missing you.I really hope that you feel better rainbow.You are a lovely and amazing woman and you deserve all best things.
Whenever you can and feel like it you know we re here for you.Even just to chat to each other.
 
While it is certainly not easy to raise kids by yourself, you may find yourself less lonely when you live by yourself than you do now. Start relying on friends a bit more - I am sure they would love to help you out.


The unknown will turn out to be far better for you than you can imagine. What would you tell your daughter if she was stuck in a relationship like yours? Honestly, fear is the worst advisor and if you spend a long time fearing that you will be miserable and whatnot you will just attract misery to your life. So, take charge girl. Show a little faith in yourself. You are worth it.
 
AHi sweetie....just checking in....and tell you that you have been in my thoughts ....sending you some hugs right now....because thats all I have....I have never been in your situation so I can offer no advice... except you do the best you can and that all you can ask of yourself!! XOXOXO to you and your precious ones!!
 
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