FleurDeLis1
New member
We love you too! I hope things are going better, keep your chin up.General hysterical diet related rambling: From Flab to Fab.
- Thread starter overtherainbow
- Start date
We love you too! I hope things are going better, keep your chin up.
overtherainbow
New member
ABecky Trying to be strong and positive, thanks 
Sunflower I know, your right. Its just not normal to sleep in separate beds, and I have got plenty of time left to find someone who loves me properly. Wish I could mentally refresh myself, I don't think that's gonna happen for a while tho.
fortyfour My son has got very severe special needs, and it can be mentally draining sometimes. At least if it gets too much (and it does when he is saying the same thing for hours), I can just go in the garden and have a cup of coffee while nick watched him. I find it hard to take him out on my own, he rolls across the floor, and the opther day he knocked a whole display of mayonnaise on the floor and broke it all.
I do think your right about not wanting to step out of my comfort zone, and I also liked what you said in your previous message about taking the principles of Buddhism and using them in my day to day life. Whilst I don't consider myself to be a Buddhist, I do beleive in re-incarnation, and I believe in karma. I have always believed that even though I was brought up a Christian. I looked into going to a Buddhist centre down my road a while ago, maybe I should go. I am in definite need of spiritual guidance, or failing that, just good old spirits
Your right, I shouldn't be afraid of change.
jasper Aww thanks. I don't mind that you haven't got any advice, thanks for being there hun xxxxx
offline
Sweat Daily Well, I can't feel much more lonely than I do right now. I have got three great friends who I could trust with anything, but they are at opposite ends of the country atm. And my best friend is 35 weeks pregnant, and has just been dumped. She has got so much going on in her head at the moment that I feel bad moaning to her. I will tell her in a couple of days. Maybe she can come and live with me That would be nice You are completely right about what I would say to my daughter. I would tell her to get out, she has tried so many times to make it work, but nothing ever changes, and that she will never be happy with him.
tetemcg Thanks Tetm, I'll do my best xxx
Well, I went to the carnival with him today. It started off badly arguing on the phone about where to meet up. We had a good time for about an hour, we actually gatecrashed the parade and were dancing down the middle of the road with people on either side. Then, they have open air urinals for men, and I stood there waiting for him to do a wee. Then he had a go at me and said he was going to go to the women's toilet to look at their minnies! (you couldn't see anything, and I was looking in the other direction anyway!). Then he started getting the hump with me. I gave him three chances to be nice, I said if he wasn't then I was going home. He kept on saying stuff, then I walked off in front and he was swearing to himself. I told him I had had enough and I was going home. He chased me on the tube, and started a domestic. I was so embarrassed, everyone was staring. So I was only out for about two hours, I left at about 6. He kept ringing me up and telling me to come out and party with him, that he'll pay and treat me (still haven't got my cash card pin number through and the banks are shut). He keeps having a go at me like I did something wrong by going home. On the tube he was shouting out that I was cheating on him, and seeing another man, and that he was going to burn the house down. As if I am going to go out with him after that.
I just feel so drained and depressed. It could have been a good day, but when I met him he'd already had 8 beers. He was so pissed, putting his hands down my jeans and grabbing my bum and stuff, and telling me that he was going to shag me really loudly. He even put his hand down my bra. He does all this in public, but he doesn't want to sleep with me when we at home!
He went out and did drugs the day before yesterday, he's doing drugs now. If I was that important to him like he said he would have just come back home and tried to talk things through with me, instead of being out there right now getting wrecked.
I really don't see how we can possibly have a future together, I am sick and tired of all this grief. I know he will be full of sorries tomorrow, but it isn't good enough. He has never brought out the best part of my personality, and I have never brought out the best side of his. That's what a happy relationship is about isn't it- you just click with each other and totally get each other. We are too different.
I am going to change the locks tomorrow, buy a new computer, and arrange a van to take all his stuff to his mums, then I will sort out housing benefit etc... And the money side of things. I will get insurance as well in case he really does burn the house down.
I am really deeply sad. But people break up all the time and get through it. Our break up isn't the first ever break up, and it won't be the last. I have been with him since I was 17 years old, 8 and a half years. Its such a long time, but I have my gorgeous kiddies from him, so it wasn't a complete waste. I am going to be strong. I know this won't be easy for them, especially Charlie, but I will do my absolute bloody best to do everything I can to make them happy.
Sunflower I know, your right. Its just not normal to sleep in separate beds, and I have got plenty of time left to find someone who loves me properly. Wish I could mentally refresh myself, I don't think that's gonna happen for a while tho.
fortyfour My son has got very severe special needs, and it can be mentally draining sometimes. At least if it gets too much (and it does when he is saying the same thing for hours), I can just go in the garden and have a cup of coffee while nick watched him. I find it hard to take him out on my own, he rolls across the floor, and the opther day he knocked a whole display of mayonnaise on the floor and broke it all.
I do think your right about not wanting to step out of my comfort zone, and I also liked what you said in your previous message about taking the principles of Buddhism and using them in my day to day life. Whilst I don't consider myself to be a Buddhist, I do beleive in re-incarnation, and I believe in karma. I have always believed that even though I was brought up a Christian. I looked into going to a Buddhist centre down my road a while ago, maybe I should go. I am in definite need of spiritual guidance, or failing that, just good old spirits
Your right, I shouldn't be afraid of change.
jasper Aww thanks. I don't mind that you haven't got any advice, thanks for being there hun
xxxxxoffline
Sweat Daily Well, I can't feel much more lonely than I do right now. I have got three great friends who I could trust with anything, but they are at opposite ends of the country atm. And my best friend is 35 weeks pregnant, and has just been dumped. She has got so much going on in her head at the moment that I feel bad moaning to her. I will tell her in a couple of days. Maybe she can come and live with me
That would be nice You are completely right about what I would say to my daughter. I would tell her to get out, she has tried so many times to make it work, but nothing ever changes, and that she will never be happy with him. tetemcg Thanks Tetm, I'll do my best
xxxWell, I went to the carnival with him today. It started off badly arguing on the phone about where to meet up. We had a good time for about an hour, we actually gatecrashed the parade and were dancing down the middle of the road with people on either side. Then, they have open air urinals for men, and I stood there waiting for him to do a wee. Then he had a go at me and said he was going to go to the women's toilet to look at their minnies! (you couldn't see anything, and I was looking in the other direction anyway!). Then he started getting the hump with me. I gave him three chances to be nice, I said if he wasn't then I was going home. He kept on saying stuff, then I walked off in front and he was swearing to himself. I told him I had had enough and I was going home. He chased me on the tube, and started a domestic. I was so embarrassed, everyone was staring. So I was only out for about two hours, I left at about 6. He kept ringing me up and telling me to come out and party with him, that he'll pay and treat me (still haven't got my cash card pin number through and the banks are shut). He keeps having a go at me like I did something wrong by going home. On the tube he was shouting out that I was cheating on him, and seeing another man, and that he was going to burn the house down. As if I am going to go out with him after that.
I just feel so drained and depressed. It could have been a good day, but when I met him he'd already had 8 beers. He was so pissed, putting his hands down my jeans and grabbing my bum and stuff, and telling me that he was going to shag me really loudly. He even put his hand down my bra. He does all this in public, but he doesn't want to sleep with me when we at home!
He went out and did drugs the day before yesterday, he's doing drugs now. If I was that important to him like he said he would have just come back home and tried to talk things through with me, instead of being out there right now getting wrecked.
I really don't see how we can possibly have a future together, I am sick and tired of all this grief. I know he will be full of sorries tomorrow, but it isn't good enough. He has never brought out the best part of my personality, and I have never brought out the best side of his. That's what a happy relationship is about isn't it- you just click with each other and totally get each other. We are too different.
I am going to change the locks tomorrow, buy a new computer, and arrange a van to take all his stuff to his mums, then I will sort out housing benefit etc... And the money side of things. I will get insurance as well in case he really does burn the house down.
I am really deeply sad. But people break up all the time and get through it. Our break up isn't the first ever break up, and it won't be the last. I have been with him since I was 17 years old, 8 and a half years. Its such a long time, but I have my gorgeous kiddies from him, so it wasn't a complete waste. I am going to be strong. I know this won't be easy for them, especially Charlie, but I will do my absolute bloody best to do everything I can to make them happy.
overtherainbow
New member
ADoing a healthy shop NOW!
wow Ruth. That's so heavy. Such a lot to deal with (put up with). I feel you are just starting to head in teh right direction now. We'll support you so you are not alone.
Sorry to hear about your kid. and yeah its great if you are already partly into some of the buddhist ideas and feel willing to go to the centre. You will probably find supportive people there. Your guy needs to sort himself out. He's in a lot of trouble i think. But its not up to you to fix it. Its his problem now and you have put up with enough for long enough.
I guess as you have a disabled kid, you should be eligible for various forms of government support to help out a bit. Does he attend any behaviour sessions with anyone? Even kids like this can learn to do better.
Enjoy your shopping.
Sorry to hear about your kid. and yeah its great if you are already partly into some of the buddhist ideas and feel willing to go to the centre. You will probably find supportive people there. Your guy needs to sort himself out. He's in a lot of trouble i think. But its not up to you to fix it. Its his problem now and you have put up with enough for long enough.
I guess as you have a disabled kid, you should be eligible for various forms of government support to help out a bit. Does he attend any behaviour sessions with anyone? Even kids like this can learn to do better.
Enjoy your shopping.
becky90
New member
AGood girl Ruth! Seems you're taking some positive steps. It looks like there's nothing left worth saving between you and him.
You should definitely tell your friend. You could help each other out and keep each other company.
Do you really think he might burn your house down? Maybe you should get in touch with the police or something.. Hopefully its just an empty threat.
Good job on the healthy shop! Getting back into being healthy is a good thing. If you continue with badmington or something, it might help take your mind off things or find some nice new friends there
You should definitely tell your friend. You could help each other out and keep each other company.
Do you really think he might burn your house down? Maybe you should get in touch with the police or something.. Hopefully its just an empty threat.
Good job on the healthy shop! Getting back into being healthy is a good thing. If you continue with badmington or something, it might help take your mind off things or find some nice new friends there
eerika
New member
A
It is nice to see you clearing your head to us a bit and whats going on there, Im really worried about you sweetie!
Your husband isnt treating you in a way he SHOULD! He is being such a jerk! Im sorry my language, but what you just wrote to us, Im just pissed off how he is acting. And worried about you and your kids safety.
Firstable, if you're feeling seriously drained and depressed, it isnt a good thing at all! You must have all the positive energy and love for your children, those feelings are very negative what you mentioned. And he did drungs?!! Thats serious Ruth. Im not liking that one at all personally. He is bouncing you, and as long you will bounce he will bounce you.
Something about me, Im a kid from a family where my father was a reaaalll bad alcoholic and drug user for the first 16 years of my life! Can you believe that, Im serous! My whole family suffered for 16 years cos of him, cos my mother didnt do anything about it (like leave him and find us a happier life!). But luckily my father went to a rehabilitation center to Helsinki when I was 15-16 yeats old, and he actually came out sober from there. I couldnt believe my eyes when he was not drinking or using. And now its been over 5 years and he is still married with my mom and they've never been better. But still, I know what it is like to live in a total chaos. And if I would had been my mom, I would had make so many things differently!
You really must start thinking what is best for YOU AND THE KIDS! Otherwise you will turn out a bitter woman if you let him ruin your life.
xoxo
It is nice to see you clearing your head to us a bit and whats going on there, Im really worried about you sweetie! Your husband isnt treating you in a way he SHOULD! He is being such a jerk! Im sorry my language, but what you just wrote to us, Im just pissed off how he is acting. And worried about you and your kids safety.
Firstable, if you're feeling seriously drained and depressed, it isnt a good thing at all! You must have all the positive energy and love for your children, those feelings are very negative what you mentioned. And he did drungs?!! Thats serious Ruth. Im not liking that one at all personally. He is bouncing you, and as long you will bounce he will bounce you.
Something about me, Im a kid from a family where my father was a reaaalll bad alcoholic and drug user for the first 16 years of my life! Can you believe that, Im serous! My whole family suffered for 16 years cos of him, cos my mother didnt do anything about it (like leave him and find us a happier life!). But luckily my father went to a rehabilitation center to Helsinki when I was 15-16 yeats old, and he actually came out sober from there. I couldnt believe my eyes when he was not drinking or using. And now its been over 5 years and he is still married with my mom and they've never been better. But still, I know what it is like to live in a total chaos. And if I would had been my mom, I would had make so many things differently!
You really must start thinking what is best for YOU AND THE KIDS! Otherwise you will turn out a bitter woman if you let him ruin your life.
xoxo
Sunflower2
New member
No words of asvice, just a cuddle
You're doing the right thing. I work with severely disabled children so I know the extra stresses on top of normal motherhood, make sure to have a bit of you time when you can. Thinking of you xxx
You're doing the right thing. I work with severely disabled children so I know the extra stresses on top of normal motherhood, make sure to have a bit of you time when you can. Thinking of you xxx
decisionmaker
New member
ALove ya, darlin. Sounds like it was such an awful day, and I'm really proud of you for taking those positive steps. Hope it all goes okay. xxx
jasper1
New member
Arainbow out of all that 1 thing worries me.
Drugs.
I have a borther that is 5 years olde that is a heroin user.My child years are marked by that.Memories of him been absoloutly GONE on drugs....I hated it.I loved him so much i did anything i could for him but he was lost and never did he find him self.HE spent all his years in and out of jail.Stealing from people to get his dose,living on the streets and it is TErrible to witness something like that as a child.
I dont know if your boyfriend takes drugs many times or not but for me DRUGS is a HUGE NO.SOmething TOO bad to deal with.
I think you are great for trying to THINK POSSITIVE.i belive you are wonderfull and will be happy rainbow.
ps....i dont know you but really i was sad today myself and i was listening to a sond in my car and thinking about you today.I said to myself that this song should be a song that we should sing to our other half and really feel and mean it!!!...it was Faith Hill-Just breathe!!!Ok its probably silly but i did think it and we deserve the best!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCmsZUN4r_s&ob=av2e
Drugs.
I have a borther that is 5 years olde that is a heroin user.My child years are marked by that.Memories of him been absoloutly GONE on drugs....I hated it.I loved him so much i did anything i could for him but he was lost and never did he find him self.HE spent all his years in and out of jail.Stealing from people to get his dose,living on the streets and it is TErrible to witness something like that as a child.
I dont know if your boyfriend takes drugs many times or not but for me DRUGS is a HUGE NO.SOmething TOO bad to deal with.
I think you are great for trying to THINK POSSITIVE.i belive you are wonderfull and will be happy rainbow.
ps....i dont know you but really i was sad today myself and i was listening to a sond in my car and thinking about you today.I said to myself that this song should be a song that we should sing to our other half and really feel and mean it!!!...it was Faith Hill-Just breathe!!!Ok its probably silly but i did think it and we deserve the best!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCmsZUN4r_s&ob=av2e
FleurDeLis1
New member
You're doing the right thing with the locks and everything else. Everything will get figured out, don't you worry. Just do what's best for you right now.
overtherainbow
New member
AAndrea Yup. It is heavy shit! Charlie has help from lots of different places. And I do get DLA and carers allowance for him as well. I didn't claim it for ages, and was totally shocked at how much it is. Money won't be an issue for that reason alone. I do spoil him, but its hard to find stuff to do with him, as he hasn't got any interest in toys and crowds are too much for him. So, yep, I've got extra money. Although I feel bad about it. I managed to find him a present a few days ago which he loves, just a yellow plastic mug with his name on it. He loves drinking tea and is always asking for it, so he is happy that he's got his own special mug He has behavioural sessions every week the trouble is they don't give me much advice. They just ask me what I think would be the best solution, and if I knew that I wouldn't be asking! I solved him getting out of his bed this evening by taking the ladder off his bunk bed so he can't get down, then waiting there til he fell asleep. He had a little flashing toy which kept him quie at night but I've lost it which is a pain.
Becky I don't think he would burn down the house. I was more worried about it yesterday as he just seemed totally unhinged, but in the cold light of day I really don't think he'd do it. I would ring the police if I felt scared. I most probably won't be able to carry on with badminton unless nick looks after the kids on a Saturday. We'll see... I hope I can go again, I did enjoy it.
Eerika Oh god, I'm really sorry to hear about your father, that must have been hell for you xxxhugsxxx When I met Nick he was on methadone (heroin substitute), I was completely young and clueless at the time, and I didn't comprehend the enormity of that. He completely got off it but used alcohol as a substitute. He stopped drinking every day by the time I was 6 months pregnant with Charlie, but he would still go out on benders with his friend who lived around the corner. At one point it seemed like he was only ever home when he was hungover. When charlie was 14 months old, we broke up for about a month, and when we got back together, we were really happy. He didn't go off drinking any more, he only drank about once a month. Thinks were good, and he hasn't done drugs for 6 years (Although the odd bender, but only extasy on a night out which I don't think is awful). I truly believe that he doesn't want to do that any more. His brother died of an overdose, two of his old friends have died of an overdose in the past year. I hope to god the last few days were just that and he doesn't go on a mad one again. I think he wants to be the best person he can be now so that he has a chance of getting me back. And he knows that I wouldn't let him see the kids if he was on drugs. I don't want to end up bitter.
Sunflower Cuddle back I will be getting a bit of me time again in Setember when Charlie's back at school, and Lily's at nursery... it'll be actual bliss x
Joh Yup. Thanks a lot my deary xxxxx
Jasper I'm so sad to hear about your brother, It really must've been awful to go through that and see him so low on the streets. I really hope he sorts himself out soon. You can see from what I wrote to Eerika, that I don't think Nick would go down that road again. That song made me cry. Thanks so much for being so lovely.
Soo..... another day. Nick is in a bad way and saying that he will do anything I want. I truly believe that he wants to change right now, but I know if I gave him another chance we would be back to being miserable in no time at all. I just, really desperately right now to have some SPACE. I am sick of him. Maybe we could start over again from the beginning if we miss each other, but right now, I just want to be alone. I don't want any more drama in my life. On my part, the love is gone. I told him so many times when he ignored everything that I say that my love isn't unconditional. And now, although I care about him, and I don't like seeing him so low, I have finally had it. He is saying all the right things to me, but its just not meaning anything to me. Its just words. Words I've heard before. Its too late. I am going to help him organise himself tomorrow, and find somewhere new to stay, because the aura of depressiveness in this house is just too much to take.
My food has been awful. Just seeing this as a weeks holiday in the middle of my diet. I will be back too it tomorrow xxxxx
He has behavioural sessions every week the trouble is they don't give me much advice. They just ask me what I think would be the best solution, and if I knew that I wouldn't be asking! I solved him getting out of his bed this evening by taking the ladder off his bunk bed so he can't get down, then waiting there til he fell asleep. He had a little flashing toy which kept him quie at night but I've lost it which is a pain. Becky I don't think he would burn down the house. I was more worried about it yesterday as he just seemed totally unhinged, but in the cold light of day I really don't think he'd do it. I would ring the police if I felt scared. I most probably won't be able to carry on with badminton unless nick looks after the kids on a Saturday. We'll see... I hope I can go again, I did enjoy it.
Eerika Oh god, I'm really sorry to hear about your father, that must have been hell for you
xxxhugsxxx When I met Nick he was on methadone (heroin substitute), I was completely young and clueless at the time, and I didn't comprehend the enormity of that. He completely got off it but used alcohol as a substitute. He stopped drinking every day by the time I was 6 months pregnant with Charlie, but he would still go out on benders with his friend who lived around the corner. At one point it seemed like he was only ever home when he was hungover. When charlie was 14 months old, we broke up for about a month, and when we got back together, we were really happy. He didn't go off drinking any more, he only drank about once a month. Thinks were good, and he hasn't done drugs for 6 years (Although the odd bender, but only extasy on a night out which I don't think is awful). I truly believe that he doesn't want to do that any more. His brother died of an overdose, two of his old friends have died of an overdose in the past year. I hope to god the last few days were just that and he doesn't go on a mad one again. I think he wants to be the best person he can be now so that he has a chance of getting me back. And he knows that I wouldn't let him see the kids if he was on drugs. I don't want to end up bitter. Sunflower Cuddle back
I will be getting a bit of me time again in Setember when Charlie's back at school, and Lily's at nursery... it'll be actual bliss xJoh Yup. Thanks a lot my deary xxxxx
Jasper I'm so sad to hear about your brother, It really must've been awful to go through that and see him so low on the streets. I really hope he sorts himself out soon. You can see from what I wrote to Eerika, that I don't think Nick would go down that road again. That song made me cry. Thanks so much for being so lovely.
Soo..... another day. Nick is in a bad way and saying that he will do anything I want. I truly believe that he wants to change right now, but I know if I gave him another chance we would be back to being miserable in no time at all. I just, really desperately right now to have some SPACE. I am sick of him. Maybe we could start over again from the beginning if we miss each other, but right now, I just want to be alone. I don't want any more drama in my life. On my part, the love is gone. I told him so many times when he ignored everything that I say that my love isn't unconditional. And now, although I care about him, and I don't like seeing him so low, I have finally had it. He is saying all the right things to me, but its just not meaning anything to me. Its just words. Words I've heard before. Its too late. I am going to help him organise himself tomorrow, and find somewhere new to stay, because the aura of depressiveness in this house is just too much to take.
My food has been awful. Just seeing this as a weeks holiday in the middle of my diet. I will be back too it tomorrow xxxxx
...You are being extremely brave..be proud of the.. strong...smart and beautiful women you are!! You will do what you need to...not want you want to!! You are wonderful and in my daily thoughts XOXOXO to you and yours!! 
katehunibun
New member
AHey girly
I came back early today, knackered and sunburnt and in need of my own bed
I thought about you a lot while i was camping and was desperate to know how you were doing. I'm so proud of you sweetie, you seem to be taking things by the horns and doing what is right for you and your babies. I agree with everyone else, you do deserve better than Nick. I don't want to tell you what to do but i think you are definatly heading in the right direction hun.
Big LOVE and squishies darling and always here for you.
Xxxx
I came back early today, knackered and sunburnt and in need of my own bed
I thought about you a lot while i was camping and was desperate to know how you were doing. I'm so proud of you sweetie, you seem to be taking things by the horns and doing what is right for you and your babies. I agree with everyone else, you do deserve better than Nick. I don't want to tell you what to do but i think you are definatly heading in the right direction hun.
Big LOVE and squishies darling and always here for you.
Xxxx
overtherainbow
New member
AThanks so much you two lovely ladies xxxxxx
Well, today started out super emotional with more begging and pleading. I couldn't take any more and told him to get out. He took a couple of days outfits with him, and I thought he was going to stay with a mate. I rung him up to see if he knew where the keys were, and it turned out he had been sitting on a park bench reading the paper. He said he had read the whole thing 3 times. It was starting to get a bit dark, and I felt bad about telling him to sod off earlier on, and I said he could come back as long as he stayed away from me and didn't give me any more over emotional stuff.
He came back, and put the kids to bed. Then a huge great big moth flew in the computer room window, and we really had a laugh trying to catch it. He is acting normal again now. And I am now having what-if-i'm-not-doing-the-right-thing pangs. I have not been too insistent that he leaves to go and stay with his dad (about 120 miles away) till he finds a flat, because I am getting my eye bags done again for free tomorrow afternoon(I forgot to tell you all that with all my other stresses!), and obviously I can't take the kids with me. And I really want to get them done!
I have bought myself a rather nice new lap top (as the computer is his), £550 in the shops, and I got it for £230 on ebay, and it was free really because I had the money in my paypal account from what I've sold.
Even though I thought to myself maybe it wouldn't be all that bad if I gave him a second chance, I also got really irritated with him sitting in the same room as me just after we had had that laugh. I think he knew that because he said he was going to bed.
Personally, I think he will try to drag out moving out for as long as he can in the hope I'll give him another chance. He is going no matter what though. I know we can't be truly happy together, and I know he won't show me any love or affection after this whole furore has died down. We have been here so many times before. It just won't change for good, I know it won't, and I need to get these silly thoughts out of my head.
I did my shopping online the other day, and I went to pay, but I have lost my cash card. Yes, first no pin, now no cash card. Which is annoying. So, I'm gonna have to order a new one again. I have loads of ebay stuff which I haven't sent off yet. In the corner shop I paid for some cheese for dinner with a fist full of 2p's! But, the good thing is that I was planning on getting a take-away tonight, but I couldn't as I had lost my card. I have tidied everywhere, and looked everywhere, and it is nowhere. Arrgghh.
I suppose I should really write about my food.... yes, the food....... Today I've eaten two huge eff off bowls of fruit n fibre (Did I mention that I also ate an entire box of cornflakes-with sugar- in 24 hours before today?) Half a thin crust home made pizza. Two toffee crisp chocolate bars, and one twirl.
Its weigh day tomorrow anyway! I am predicting a 4 pound gain, with 2 of them pounds being fat, and the rest water. I don't think I have eaten more than a thousand extra calories a day. But I feel so bloated. I really thought that I was going to be a healthy bmi this month. Sulk. My tape measure has absconded. Which is probably for the best.
I dunno if you remember my size 10 casual goal outfit moodboard I did? Well, I have all the accessories and clothes for that outfit now. All in size 10! I got the tweed wool shorts through this morning, and they do up! Obviously they nowhere near fit, but size 10 did up! I just need to keep telling myself that I will be there soon, and not to ruin all my great work with any more days of crap eating. I am hoping its not going to be too hard to get back into it. Even if it is hard, I did it at the start of this diet, which was true hell, and I will do it again. I have been eating such shit meals, which means my kids have been eating shit meals too. Lots of takeaways, not many vegetables. I really feel proud that my kids eat so many veggies and fruit, and I feel like a scummy mummy for not giving them all the vitamins they need recently.
Tomorrow I am going to get out the house away from the stress, on my own all day. I am going to go to my bank, try and beg to get money out without photographic ID (they sometimes do it by going through my security questions, but I am sometimes turned away. Yep, me losing my cash card happens all too often. And I NEED to get a passport!), then post my ebay stuff, then weigh myself, then go and get my eye-bags done, then I think I'm going to do my shopping in person at asda, which is quite far away, then stuggle to carry it all back home. Then make a lovely meal with so much nutrition I will accidentally overdose the kids with vitamins, then bath them and put them to bed, come on here and say what a wonderful food day I've had (and how great my eye bags look, hopefully! Although I'm not holding out much hope tbh!), then I will camp out in my bedroom with a book I've been meaning to read for ages. Not much space in that day for accidental reconciliation.
Well, today started out super emotional with more begging and pleading. I couldn't take any more and told him to get out. He took a couple of days outfits with him, and I thought he was going to stay with a mate. I rung him up to see if he knew where the keys were, and it turned out he had been sitting on a park bench reading the paper. He said he had read the whole thing 3 times. It was starting to get a bit dark, and I felt bad about telling him to sod off earlier on, and I said he could come back as long as he stayed away from me and didn't give me any more over emotional stuff.
He came back, and put the kids to bed. Then a huge great big moth flew in the computer room window, and we really had a laugh trying to catch it. He is acting normal again now. And I am now having what-if-i'm-not-doing-the-right-thing pangs. I have not been too insistent that he leaves to go and stay with his dad (about 120 miles away) till he finds a flat, because I am getting my eye bags done again for free tomorrow afternoon(I forgot to tell you all that with all my other stresses!), and obviously I can't take the kids with me. And I really want to get them done!
I have bought myself a rather nice new lap top (as the computer is his), £550 in the shops, and I got it for £230 on ebay, and it was free really because I had the money in my paypal account from what I've sold.
Even though I thought to myself maybe it wouldn't be all that bad if I gave him a second chance, I also got really irritated with him sitting in the same room as me just after we had had that laugh. I think he knew that because he said he was going to bed.
Personally, I think he will try to drag out moving out for as long as he can in the hope I'll give him another chance. He is going no matter what though. I know we can't be truly happy together, and I know he won't show me any love or affection after this whole furore has died down. We have been here so many times before. It just won't change for good, I know it won't, and I need to get these silly thoughts out of my head.
I did my shopping online the other day, and I went to pay, but I have lost my cash card. Yes, first no pin, now no cash card. Which is annoying. So, I'm gonna have to order a new one again. I have loads of ebay stuff which I haven't sent off yet. In the corner shop I paid for some cheese for dinner with a fist full of 2p's! But, the good thing is that I was planning on getting a take-away tonight, but I couldn't as I had lost my card. I have tidied everywhere, and looked everywhere, and it is nowhere. Arrgghh.
I suppose I should really write about my food.... yes, the food....... Today I've eaten two huge eff off bowls of fruit n fibre (Did I mention that I also ate an entire box of cornflakes-with sugar- in 24 hours before today?) Half a thin crust home made pizza. Two toffee crisp chocolate bars, and one twirl.
Its weigh day tomorrow anyway! I am predicting a 4 pound gain, with 2 of them pounds being fat, and the rest water. I don't think I have eaten more than a thousand extra calories a day. But I feel so bloated. I really thought that I was going to be a healthy bmi this month. Sulk. My tape measure has absconded. Which is probably for the best.
I dunno if you remember my size 10 casual goal outfit moodboard I did? Well, I have all the accessories and clothes for that outfit now. All in size 10! I got the tweed wool shorts through this morning, and they do up! Obviously they nowhere near fit, but size 10 did up! I just need to keep telling myself that I will be there soon, and not to ruin all my great work with any more days of crap eating. I am hoping its not going to be too hard to get back into it. Even if it is hard, I did it at the start of this diet, which was true hell, and I will do it again. I have been eating such shit meals, which means my kids have been eating shit meals too. Lots of takeaways, not many vegetables. I really feel proud that my kids eat so many veggies and fruit, and I feel like a scummy mummy for not giving them all the vitamins they need recently.
Tomorrow I am going to get out the house away from the stress, on my own all day. I am going to go to my bank, try and beg to get money out without photographic ID (they sometimes do it by going through my security questions, but I am sometimes turned away. Yep, me losing my cash card happens all too often. And I NEED to get a passport!), then post my ebay stuff, then weigh myself, then go and get my eye-bags done, then I think I'm going to do my shopping in person at asda, which is quite far away, then stuggle to carry it all back home. Then make a lovely meal with so much nutrition I will accidentally overdose the kids with vitamins, then bath them and put them to bed, come on here and say what a wonderful food day I've had (and how great my eye bags look, hopefully! Although I'm not holding out much hope tbh!), then I will camp out in my bedroom with a book I've been meaning to read for ages. Not much space in that day for accidental reconciliation.
With the guy, i know you will do what you will do, however messy it will be. But there's one thing i have to tell you. People do not change overnight. People cannot change overnight. Its almost not possible. People who say they will change do not know how to change. He needs professional help by the sounds of it.
Oops i forgot to tell you i answered your question on my blog.
also i keep remembering i forgot to answer you other question about my painting. The idea was that i would try to do it in the wet season when its too hot to work in teh garden. Ie that will be from about january through to april. I hope i can do it.
Oops i forgot to tell you i answered your question on my blog.
also i keep remembering i forgot to answer you other question about my painting. The idea was that i would try to do it in the wet season when its too hot to work in teh garden. Ie that will be from about january through to april. I hope i can do it.
becky90
New member
AIt could very well be for the best, if he moves out. And you never know what will happen from then onwards. I split up with my boyfriend a few months ago, and i moved out, but we talked everyday and missed each other like crazy, and after 2 months i decided to move back in with him. I cant say things are great, we have issues, everyone does. But we know know that we can't live without each other and even though it can be hard sometimes, we're gonna stick together. Maybe he will then realise what a stupid ass he's been, or maybe you will see that you're very glad he's gone, its possible that you think one thing right now but your opinion could totaly change if you have time and space to breathe and to think about things. Just have a go at living by yourself, and if you're lonely, try and be around people, friends. try and look for a new guy if thats what you want, and if you're fine by yourself then great! Like I said it'll all work out in the end!
That laptop is a bargain girl, is it completely new, or used? Will Nick be taking the computer with him if/when he goes?
It's a shame that you've been eating badly, but life has to get put first and sometimes its just too much hassle, right? Try your best with it, thats all you can do, then you can wear your new size 10 clothes and how cool would that be? As im beginning to see exercise can be very important with weight loss. Well i suppose i knew it but it just got buried within me ive eaten about 1800 calories the last few days and done a long hour workout burning 600 calories and wa la! weight loss. So the more u burn the more u can eat I havn't been pigging out of course! well not much, we dont buy any biscuits/crisps anymore anyway, so if im craving some sweet i have low fat chocolate mousse's or rocket ice lollys!
It's great that you feed your kids so well! Just start feeding yourself well again! treat your body right and it'll get smaller like you want it to When i was a kid we would eat stuff like chicken nuggets, chips and beans, stuff like that, baked beans were the closest thing we saw to a vegetable (they're too yummy to be considered a vegetable xD) and we're all having weight issues now.
Is it today you're having all by yourself? If so have a great day stress free and healthy!!
P.s isn't there someone other than Nick who can take care of your kids for a few hours if need be? friends/relatives etc? so you dont have to be so dependant on him for that, would be better perhaps. But ofc he likes spending time with his kids i assume, so it cant be a problem?
That laptop is a bargain girl, is it completely new, or used? Will Nick be taking the computer with him if/when he goes?
It's a shame that you've been eating badly, but life has to get put first and sometimes its just too much hassle, right? Try your best with it, thats all you can do, then you can wear your new size 10 clothes and how cool would that be?
As im beginning to see exercise can be very important with weight loss. Well i suppose i knew it but it just got buried within me ive eaten about 1800 calories the last few days and done a long hour workout burning 600 calories and wa la! weight loss. So the more u burn the more u can eat I havn't been pigging out of course! well not much, we dont buy any biscuits/crisps anymore anyway, so if im craving some sweet i have low fat chocolate mousse's or rocket ice lollys! It's great that you feed your kids so well! Just start feeding yourself well again! treat your body right and it'll get smaller like you want it to
When i was a kid we would eat stuff like chicken nuggets, chips and beans, stuff like that, baked beans were the closest thing we saw to a vegetable (they're too yummy to be considered a vegetable xD) and we're all having weight issues now. Is it today you're having all by yourself? If so have a great day
stress free and healthy!!P.s isn't there someone other than Nick who can take care of your kids for a few hours if need be? friends/relatives etc? so you dont have to be so dependant on him for that, would be better perhaps. But ofc he likes spending time with his kids i assume, so it cant be a problem?
eerika
New member
AI agree with fortyfour and becky.. People cant change over night and Nick probably needs professional help. And the change CAN NOT happen if he doesnt want it. Noone cant do a thing for anyone else.. Its all about ourselves and our choices. (Like also our weight loss.. noones isnt doing it for us!) And I bet you know this but Ive seen it. My father didnt sober until he wanted it. Sure he attended some AA-meetings every once in a while when we had real bad situations going on at home and mom was threatening to kick him to the streets! But he always escaped back to his sick world. I was so sure he was going to die because of alcohol and drugs, he was in a very bad physical (and mental) condition. And it may be difficult to perceive things when you've seen that kind of things happen for so long, you get kind of "sick" as well. But people out of it sees the situation differently. Thats why professional help is so important..
But dont let your life flow out of your hands. If he doesnt want to heal, you must keep on going. I found it very important in our family, that my mother took care of us always. Even dad was what he was, my mom was always there for us. She always tried her best to get things best for us eventhough I think there was times she was totally burned out. But thats what mothers does I guess.. They want only best for their kids! And I have no doubt you being a absolutely fantastic mother!
But dont let your life flow out of your hands. If he doesnt want to heal, you must keep on going. I found it very important in our family, that my mother took care of us always. Even dad was what he was, my mom was always there for us. She always tried her best to get things best for us eventhough I think there was times she was totally burned out. But thats what mothers does I guess..
They want only best for their kids! And I have no doubt you being a absolutely fantastic mother!
Rox2
New member
Dear Ruth-
If anybody has an idea of what you're going through and can sympathize completely, that would be ME! I know exactly how you feel and how scared and miserable you must feel at times.
But you know what? We can do this together- you and me! What you are doing is really, really hard, but it's for the best.
My situation is similar to yours in many ways- my husband is so unaffectionate, yet he threatens me if I even talk about divorce. But i know i need to get out.
And so do you, sweetie.
Please send me a private message if you ever really want to have a heart-to-heart!
I'm sorry I was away so long. I was just so stressed out and busy. But I often thought of you and wondered how you were managing.
As for the diet....through all of my miserable times over the past year, my weightloss has been one thing that i could cling to. it was one of the main prooofs i gave myself that I was strong, determined and able to take control. If I were in the position I'm in now, but weighing 100kg, i'd be SO much more unhappy. But as it is, i am proud of myself and feel confident to face the world on my own. Unfair as it is, people are judged so much on looks- especially on their weight. looking right opens doors and that's the sad truth. So, i really hope that despite stress-related binges, you'll be able to keep up with your weightloss journey. Or at least not gain anything back. It's hard, but it's for the best, IMHO.
I send you all my support, hugs and wishes for a bright future! And i hope to hear from you soon, as we all do.
everyone here loves you and wants the best for you!
Rox
If anybody has an idea of what you're going through and can sympathize completely, that would be ME! I know exactly how you feel and how scared and miserable you must feel at times.
But you know what? We can do this together- you and me! What you are doing is really, really hard, but it's for the best.
My situation is similar to yours in many ways- my husband is so unaffectionate, yet he threatens me if I even talk about divorce. But i know i need to get out.
And so do you, sweetie.
Please send me a private message if you ever really want to have a heart-to-heart!
I'm sorry I was away so long. I was just so stressed out and busy. But I often thought of you and wondered how you were managing.
As for the diet....through all of my miserable times over the past year, my weightloss has been one thing that i could cling to. it was one of the main prooofs i gave myself that I was strong, determined and able to take control. If I were in the position I'm in now, but weighing 100kg, i'd be SO much more unhappy. But as it is, i am proud of myself and feel confident to face the world on my own. Unfair as it is, people are judged so much on looks- especially on their weight. looking right opens doors and that's the sad truth. So, i really hope that despite stress-related binges, you'll be able to keep up with your weightloss journey. Or at least not gain anything back. It's hard, but it's for the best, IMHO.
I send you all my support, hugs and wishes for a bright future! And i hope to hear from you soon, as we all do.
everyone here loves you and wants the best for you!
Rox
overtherainbow
New member
AThanks so much.
He seemed to love me so much. He was so upset, I thought he really di d love me. He said he would go to counselling, he is going to enrol on a plumbing course tomorrow so he hasn't got a dead end job. He said he would do whatever he could to make me love him again. He seemed completely broken hearted. He went to stay at his friends tonight for a week. I was thinking maybe he did love me properly, and I told him to see if we can go a week before aguing before he finds a flat for good. Despite all my reservations, I was going to give him a second chance, and see if my feelings would come back. My feelings for him have been so little for ages, and tonight he made me get a warm rush of loving feeling for him again.
And then he left for his mates house and I saw he had left his email page open. I looked in the trash can, and saw that he had ordered viagra 6 days ago. That upset me, as he just doesn't seem to fancy me at all, and the last and only time we went through a stage of being filthy in the bedroom, I found out he was only so passionate because of viagra. Obviously he ordered it because I was moaning that we never have sex, and thought that would keep me quiet for a while. I rang him up, shouted, and he said to me that he wanted us to have a night of passion after the carnival when we had no kids, and was worried he wouldn't be able to get it up because he'd be drunk. I was still not happy. That was the only reason he was putting his hand down my top and trousers and telling me that he wanted sex in an alley at the carnival! Because he obviously had them pills in his pocket.
I rang him up again, and said where are the viagra... I wanted to check if he'd taken any. He said they were in his pocket still. I asked why he had taken viagra with him to his friends house if he loved me so much, and he said he was wearing the same pair of jeans he had on at the carnival.
Then I rang him up again, and asked him to take a picture of the full packet of viagra in his pocket, and send it too me. He went quiet. He said they had all crumbled up. And I said as long as they are in a sealed packet, I don't care. Then he told me he had taken one. We haven't had sex. Not even remotely closely. He said he had taken it when he was lying in my bed alone, thinking that maybe I would come up and want sex with him! This was yesterday, after I got irritated by him sitting in the room with me. He went up to bed and said "just chuck me on the sofa when you get to bed". Why would he need a fuicking viagra for make up sex anyway????!!!!! Surely in a situation like that he would have loads of natural passion. He wasn't wearing his carnival jeans in bed, they were dumped on the floor in the computer room. Before he stormed off to bed, I didn't see him reach into his jeans pockets, take one single viagra out, and then go upstairs. Surely if he wanted to do that he would take his entire jeans upstairs so I didn't see, as he knows how upset it makes me that he needs viagra to shag me with passion.
He announced that he was on the pull when he stormed off on friday night. I didn't care. I do beleive him that he went and did crack that night though. Its the night of the carnival that I think he took it. At 4.30 the next morning his alarm clock went off on his phone. He says he must have accidentally set his alarm clock for half thirty as the alarm name was a random string of letters! Hah! Half four is the latest kick out time for most clubs on a sunday, so he probably went back to someones house, and set his alarm so that he would have a beleivable story. He told me that a club shut at half 5 when he left. So he probably stayed at someone's house an hour longer than he anticipated. I would be very surprised if he had really taken only the one viagra anyway. I bet he took 3 or something.
So, hes gone. I am shaking and I just have this horrible gaping hole in my chest because he was starting to make me love him again. How could I have been so stupid to open up my heart to him just one iota? I bloody hate him right now.
He seemed to love me so much. He was so upset, I thought he really di d love me. He said he would go to counselling, he is going to enrol on a plumbing course tomorrow so he hasn't got a dead end job. He said he would do whatever he could to make me love him again. He seemed completely broken hearted. He went to stay at his friends tonight for a week. I was thinking maybe he did love me properly, and I told him to see if we can go a week before aguing before he finds a flat for good. Despite all my reservations, I was going to give him a second chance, and see if my feelings would come back. My feelings for him have been so little for ages, and tonight he made me get a warm rush of loving feeling for him again.
And then he left for his mates house and I saw he had left his email page open. I looked in the trash can, and saw that he had ordered viagra 6 days ago. That upset me, as he just doesn't seem to fancy me at all, and the last and only time we went through a stage of being filthy in the bedroom, I found out he was only so passionate because of viagra. Obviously he ordered it because I was moaning that we never have sex, and thought that would keep me quiet for a while. I rang him up, shouted, and he said to me that he wanted us to have a night of passion after the carnival when we had no kids, and was worried he wouldn't be able to get it up because he'd be drunk. I was still not happy. That was the only reason he was putting his hand down my top and trousers and telling me that he wanted sex in an alley at the carnival! Because he obviously had them pills in his pocket.
I rang him up again, and said where are the viagra... I wanted to check if he'd taken any. He said they were in his pocket still. I asked why he had taken viagra with him to his friends house if he loved me so much, and he said he was wearing the same pair of jeans he had on at the carnival.
Then I rang him up again, and asked him to take a picture of the full packet of viagra in his pocket, and send it too me. He went quiet. He said they had all crumbled up. And I said as long as they are in a sealed packet, I don't care. Then he told me he had taken one. We haven't had sex. Not even remotely closely. He said he had taken it when he was lying in my bed alone, thinking that maybe I would come up and want sex with him! This was yesterday, after I got irritated by him sitting in the room with me. He went up to bed and said "just chuck me on the sofa when you get to bed". Why would he need a fuicking viagra for make up sex anyway????!!!!! Surely in a situation like that he would have loads of natural passion. He wasn't wearing his carnival jeans in bed, they were dumped on the floor in the computer room. Before he stormed off to bed, I didn't see him reach into his jeans pockets, take one single viagra out, and then go upstairs. Surely if he wanted to do that he would take his entire jeans upstairs so I didn't see, as he knows how upset it makes me that he needs viagra to shag me with passion.
He announced that he was on the pull when he stormed off on friday night. I didn't care. I do beleive him that he went and did crack that night though. Its the night of the carnival that I think he took it. At 4.30 the next morning his alarm clock went off on his phone. He says he must have accidentally set his alarm clock for half thirty as the alarm name was a random string of letters! Hah! Half four is the latest kick out time for most clubs on a sunday, so he probably went back to someones house, and set his alarm so that he would have a beleivable story. He told me that a club shut at half 5 when he left. So he probably stayed at someone's house an hour longer than he anticipated. I would be very surprised if he had really taken only the one viagra anyway. I bet he took 3 or something.
So, hes gone. I am shaking and I just have this horrible gaping hole in my chest because he was starting to make me love him again. How could I have been so stupid to open up my heart to him just one iota? I bloody hate him right now.
overtherainbow
New member
Ato top it off I have put on my predicted four pounds in the past week.
Andrea I really did believe that he wanted to change and be happy. But ^^^^^^ changes everything i guess. Doing the painting when you can no longer work on your garden is a great idea. Seasonal hobbies on rotation
Becky Thanks for the uplifting message. Glad you sorted it out with your bf. No relationship is ever perfect. I am going to definitely put myself out there to meet new people in my area. I had just started to try and do just that, before all this shit happened.
I am a long way off even thinking about meeting anyone else. I hope I manage okay on my own.
The new laptops been used for three months, its still got its original packaging, so it'll seem brand new when I get it
I don't trust anyone other than Nicks mum to look after charlie... but I guess I'll get time to myself whenever nick has the kids over his.
Eerika Thats such a beautiful song, I don't know how on earth I didn't know about ingrid michaelson. I'm so sad that you went through all thta with your dad, but also happy that the ending was a good one... the worst that could have happened doesn't ever bear thinking about :*(
Nick isn't a drug addict, but I agree that if he gets urges to do drugs again he should go to NA meetings and get help to deal with it. The mates house he is at right now was a drug addict almost a decade ago as well, but he still goes to NA meetings, and I know for a fact he would steer nick away from anything like that. So thats good.
Rox Thank you so much I know. It sucks doesn't it. I remember reading your diary from the start still, and it completely broke my heart in a way I can relate to when you said that you just want you husband to fancy you again. Now we have both lost weight, I know you are super skinny and I'm not yet, but we thought it was our weight tat was the problem... it isn't. The problems are in our mens heads. And maybe it isn't even a problem so much, its just a difference.... They just don't need love or affection. Not from us anyway. Nothing we do would ever change that. We could be perfect in every single way inside and out, but our "partners" would still not be able to show affection in that way.
I know, its so hard. I just feel so empty. My face is red hot and I feel a gnawing in my chest. I feel hopeless and lost, and I don't know how the hell I'm gonna cope. And I guess you must feel the same at the prospect of it. Because its a huge change. We are miserable and know there is a much better life out of there, but we are scared to make that leap because we think we might fall.
We can be free of this misery. This can be the first page of our new book. And there will be a happy ending if we make the choice for it to be a happy ending.
My shoppings being delivered tomorrow. I have been having bad food thoughts all day today. But I am going to do what you did, and prove to myself that I can take control, and be strong. Your right- It must be a lot worse completely letting yourself go in a situation like this and gaining lots of weight. xxxxx
Andrea I really did believe that he wanted to change and be happy. But ^^^^^^ changes everything i guess. Doing the painting when you can no longer work on your garden is a great idea. Seasonal hobbies on rotation
Becky Thanks for the uplifting message. Glad you sorted it out with your bf. No relationship is ever perfect. I am going to definitely put myself out there to meet new people in my area. I had just started to try and do just that, before all this shit happened.
I am a long way off even thinking about meeting anyone else. I hope I manage okay on my own.
The new laptops been used for three months, its still got its original packaging, so it'll seem brand new when I get it
I don't trust anyone other than Nicks mum to look after charlie... but I guess I'll get time to myself whenever nick has the kids over his.
Eerika Thats such a beautiful song, I don't know how on earth I didn't know about ingrid michaelson. I'm so sad that you went through all thta with your dad, but also happy that the ending was a good one... the worst that could have happened doesn't ever bear thinking about :*(
Nick isn't a drug addict, but I agree that if he gets urges to do drugs again he should go to NA meetings and get help to deal with it. The mates house he is at right now was a drug addict almost a decade ago as well, but he still goes to NA meetings, and I know for a fact he would steer nick away from anything like that. So thats good.
Rox Thank you so much
I know. It sucks doesn't it. I remember reading your diary from the start still, and it completely broke my heart in a way I can relate to when you said that you just want you husband to fancy you again. Now we have both lost weight, I know you are super skinny and I'm not yet, but we thought it was our weight tat was the problem... it isn't. The problems are in our mens heads. And maybe it isn't even a problem so much, its just a difference.... They just don't need love or affection. Not from us anyway. Nothing we do would ever change that. We could be perfect in every single way inside and out, but our "partners" would still not be able to show affection in that way. I know, its so hard. I just feel so empty. My face is red hot and I feel a gnawing in my chest. I feel hopeless and lost, and I don't know how the hell I'm gonna cope. And I guess you must feel the same at the prospect of it. Because its a huge change. We are miserable and know there is a much better life out of there, but we are scared to make that leap because we think we might fall.
We can be free of this misery. This can be the first page of our new book. And there will be a happy ending if we make the choice for it to be a happy ending.
My shoppings being delivered tomorrow. I have been having bad food thoughts all day today. But I am going to do what you did, and prove to myself that I can take control, and be strong. Your right- It must be a lot worse completely letting yourself go in a situation like this and gaining lots of weight. xxxxx