Fiera's Diary

Wow. Two days have passed, and it feels like I have barely sat down. There is a lot of taking DDog out...normally I would try to stretch him between walks but with the dewormer there is a risk about him getting the big D and I don't want THAT all over my house. We went without the belly band today and he marked once, I believe while I was in the shower. I did still crate him when I went to the derm.

Good news is the weather was quite pleasant today. I cooked, cleaned, did dishes, did laundry, and took 6 dog walks of varying lengths. The derm says the sport on my back is a mole which I now have to watch - I should say I will need Proggy's help to watch.

I have had to take ibuprofen the last couple of days - pretty rare for me. Hope that this is just my body adjusting to the increase in activity.

Have been thinking lately about taking a clean break in my interpersonal relationships. New year seems a great time to take inventory. Hit the reset button with everyone. Don't forget the past, but see how the relationship fits into my life *now*. I don't want to be a dick, but on the other hand, this whole code I have around friendship and loyalty and reciprocity seems broken and causing (possibly unnecessary) grief and baggage where some peopke are concerned.

Maybe this is just a transition many people go through far earlier in life than I have. Or maybe it's one of those things which ebbs and flows.

In the middle of this post I just took DDog out for another 25 minutes in the yard because he was whining and looking at the door. Other than take a little whiz eventually he just stared and walked around and sniffed. Bunny Patrol I have to walk him on leash even in the yard because my fence is not tall and he is capable of jumping it. So yes another 25 minutes of moving about. I am tired and so calling it a night!
 
Fiera said:
Have been thinking lately about taking a clean break in my interpersonal relationships. New year seems a great time to take inventory. Hit the reset button with everyone. Don't forget the past, but see how the relationship fits into my life *now*.
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Sometimes old things have to end for new ones to start. Best of luck!

Poor Ddog, having to spill his guts so often. I hope the meds help and he'll be able to gain some weight and strength.
 
Sat was NYE. I spent much of Friday just trying to put house in order and running errands, talked with Curly Bubbly, went grocery shopping, picked up NOK and wine for NYE party at SB/hubby.

Sat morning closed a bank account and stopped at a restaurant supply store to get rubber floor mats for the dog washing station. Then Proggy came up and we went to the waning hour of a winter festival before heading to ritual dinner at the Italian place across town. It used to be a special place for a nice dinner with AN but now I can go there and not think of him. Home, dog walking, then headed over to SB/hubby. The crowd was just a right size really, approx 7 couples. I drank too much red wine but had a good time and the night ended with singing and dancing. Lordy, the hangover yesterday though.

So NYD was about recovering, which is disappointing to me as it should have been a nice outdoorsy hiking day with a bonfire. We stayed home and made vadrious tapas to pick at. S decided to blow through on her way out of town and I didn't offer to meet up as I could not drive or even walk, really. Of course she is on the list of people whose friendships I am questioning so I am happy with my decision to not accommodate her last minute opportunity. If I am important to someone I should feel it.

Around 8PM NYE I got an email from AN saying that he hoped my holidays and travels went well and asking if I could talk next week. I am feeling avoidant now. And anxious. If he wants to formalize goodbye, why do we need to talk? Does he need money? What happened over the holidays with his ex?

I didn't respond until late yesterday evening, so around 24 hours. I suggested next Sat which gets me beyond the full day neuropsych testing Thurs and a buffer day so I won't be dreading it. But now I can't sleep. I am anxious about him amd also anxious about the house again. Which seeing that the back stairs are deteriorating rapidly put me into panic mode yesterday since that is where the dog wash access is. It must be 100% safe for the dogs and visitors so that cannot wait. But of course dealing with the trees, roots, concrete, fencing, landscape design, and exterior drainage is a lot of different things to coordinate. And expensive.

So I have had to take 1/2 xanax now and will hopefully catch a couple more hours of sleep.

I finally pulled the trigger on blocking BG on the nw site. I could mail her keys back to her I suppose but it just seems like unnecessary contact. I ran across the photo of me, her, and AN playing guitar together during XMas or Thanksgiving that year. Life felt finally like I had arrived in a place of stability with a good friend and a good boyfriend. It makes me feel a lot of things, and none of them are good. Time seems to reveal more. I have to let go of that and start over I guess. But I would like to take the time to really reflect on what my role was, what I did or didn't do, that I should try not to repeat.

It is all getting harder now, and I am more tired. I also saw this morning how my crumbling infrastructure is getting in the way of living my best life. CB and I spoke about that Friday. More houses will be coming on thr market in a few weeks. Lots to think about.

Oh guitar class starts up tonight. Teacher sent us a couple of songs to look over and I ran through some old stuff yesterday to start waking the brain up.
 
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Thank you La Ma! And a Happy New Year to you too!

Proggy has gone home as of around noon today. Once he left that cleared a lot of leftovers out of the kitchen and I put away dishes and cleaned countertops etc. Then I took the dogs for about a mile and half walk (go KDog, it was 45 degrees with no wind, thank you Ma Nature. Had a much needed bath/shower and am happy to just be sitting, pantsless, for a spell before I go start some never ending laundry. I leave soon for the first session of my guitar class, which will be on Monday evenings.

AN wants to stop over here Sat so I will be having to rev up the cleaning efforts. I will perhaps have a plan to make something for dinner in my back pocket. Honestly though I don't want to put any further thought into it/him until Friday. Compartmentalizing. I also need to put bg out of my mind, Nothing has changed and to think I expected closure and relief from blocking her on social. I still believe that is true but it triggered a bit of a revisitation of loss and self criticism, along with this denial of her being "gone for good" which I also need to compartmentalize. And the house. Compartmentalize.

Rather than compartmentalize, I will say prioritize. I will select what I choose to make important and right now that is pre work for guitar tonight, Tomorrow and Weds it is preparations for neuropsych testing. Thurs is testing and cleaning lady. Friday is Curly Bubbly and prep for AN.

There is a shit ton more on the list and I am realizing that I don't really have time for AN right now. But it probably is better not to wait.

OK back to priorities,
 
Yay, guitar last night was like chicken soup for the soul. I love our teacher, he make me feel more at ease. I asked him about stage fright. About fear of playing in front of anyone. He says everyone gets it. That the best things you can do is master the music, and just repeatedly put yourself in the situation...open mic, play for a friend etc. Remember that everyone, even professionals, were one day where you are at now. It was nice that I was the first one there and had a little one on one time to chat with him.

I woke up to a terrible smell in the front room. I imagine it is because it is raining and damp and K dog had peed on the ped pad in addition to several recent accidents on the actual rug. I am going to stay on track for today and do laundry and get records in order for then testing, Probably I need to replace the rug before AN comes over,

I had a little spat with Proggy last night. He was mentioning about next weekend and I had already mentioned that AN and I were getting together to talk Sat afternoon. So maybe he and I could get together Sat night though Sunday would probably be better. Right away he jumps in "you need 8 hours to talk"?! No, I don't, but I probably am going to be emotional. He launched into the diatribe about AN and wasting my time, AN is a loser, the usual lecture. I snapped back about him (Proggy) wanting to keep me all to himself. To which he said that was not fair. I had told him that my plan was not to spend any bandwidth thinking about AN until Friday and here he goes just stirring up a hornets nest and knocking me off base, Eff it. I think I am just going to turn off the phone today.
 
Humans are complicated. Sometimes I wonder why we ever bothered coming down from the trees. Probably to have some alone time, and then every else followed.
 
Well, it took quite a bit of time today to get records together for the neuropsych. Z are the mistake of letting that computer update to W11 and then the lan cable/adapter were not working. After an hour I gave up and resorted to wi fi.

Dr B.'s testing summary is now 10 years old give or take. After seeing my notes from back then trying to understand what was happening, why I was struggling with memory and cognition and work performance, and the context of what was going on in my work and personal life...man it was emotional. I didn't dwell in it for long, but the strength of my reactions told me that there is still a lot bubbling under. I also found a decade old article about causes of memory and cognitive impairment which are not dementia, and I feel that several of those do apply.

The dog rescue President called and as I figured she is setting about finding a permanent home for DDog. Of course she asked if I wanted to keep him first. While I hadn't fully resigned myself either way, I told her that he can go. He is a wonderful dog but I feel like I can't make a priority out of him right now, which includes things like putting in a new fence, and walking him during February.
 
I texted my hair stylist to see if she could move me up to Friday.. Feeling like I need to have myself put together to be at my strongest for whatever I have to face from AN. When she said no but she could squeeze me in today, I leapt at it. It will help me in the testing process tomorrow as well.

Took the dogs for a good walk this morning and coming back we happened upon and open garage door as a lady was getting out of her car. She was excited about the dogs and in talking further I learned she has lived here for 50 years. She is, at least now, a single woman, of about a young-looking 70 age. I enjoyed our convo and gave her my # and address.

I called a fence contractor this morning to get the ideas rolling around what I need to do in what order, and an idea of costs. I described the issues with roots and trees and drainage so there would be context, He was really nice. I just kinda picked one off a search engine but after I looked at their page later, I found it is a 2nd generation family owned business, which I love. They also have a location I can go to to look at some ideas and materials. I probably won't be able to get anything started until I have a landscaper plan.

Am planning to stop by a wake in a little bit, Riley's uncle passed away (her Dad's brother). Saylor I don't think is back from Mexico.

I believe that all this activity today is keeping me from overthinking the preparations for tomorrow. I still need to plan logistics (bring lunch, where to park, what time to leave etc).
 
That sounds like a really positive day & good preparation for the test day. I'm such an over-thinker too & it's not helpful.
 
Well...I was not prepared. I did not get the best sleep, I woke up repeatedly, playing in my head the things I needed to do when I got up and whether or not I had enough time to do them. Primarily because cleaning lady was coming for the first time in a month and first time since foster dog came. Things are changed around, extra dog beds, crate, stuff positioned so his royal poochness can't wander into the bedrooms. Separate laundry piles of dog peed pads and towels versus my own laundry that I didn't want her to commingle. Plus walking and feeding the dogs, shower, traffic, bring lunch, find parking in a place I wasn't familiar with. I went to bed early, pooped from being nonstop busy, and yet sleep didn't come.

Then the classic thing happened when I got there. Quiet, professional, safe space from all the chaos, and the same thing happens as when I am frantically getting ready for a trip and I arrive at the airport and check my bags in. All that tension of preparation leading up to a point of resolution and relief and release of intense pressure...couple that with talking about your painful life experiences and the tears start flowing. I could barely answer her questions. The one where she asked me what I do every day pretty much stumped me. I couldn't give her an intelligent response. It certainly wasn't a waste of time. But on the other hand I wonder how much this allowed her to get a complete picture.

I did tell her about the "minds eye" article and that I have never been able to see scenes in my mind, just vague wisps of things.

What *I* was able to see and experience (without feedback) is that I made some simple mistakes I would not have made earlier in life. The ones I know for sure was a simple pinwheel drawing that I did not replicate accurately. Another was a math problem (It takes 8 machines 6 hours to do a task; how many machines does it take to do the task in 30 minutes) - pretty sure if a pen and paper were allowed I would have sorted myself out. And remembering verbal words and stories was about what I expected. I am a little annoyed that they had me do another ADHD test and then the girl was doing distracting things like flipping papers, typing, and moving around in my visual field - all of which was to be explicitly avoided during my previous test, which I passed with flying colors and they already had the results for. I also do not understand why they didn't test reading comprehension/processing or do anything regarding the fact I am having trouble with scrolling things and moving trains. Maybe that will come out in the report for referral testing.

Well my point was going to be, that it was very clear to me that I feel overwhelmed with physical and mental clutter, tasks, task lists, my house, financials, people, and it is impeding me actually living. Not that I didn't know this somehow. But telling the story - disjointed as I did - about the brief respite from the bullying at work, and then the combination of TB, drinking, and re-emergence of the bullying, then the failed house repairs which led to more and more issues.

I came home and told the dog rescue president that I had decided not to keep DDog, It is not my time. Having a foster is wonderful but it is consuming bandwidth. I have got to clear out clutter and I have to prioritize, And I have to confront this house for good because I cannot keep living like this. Years are starting to roll by. The years which should have been the best years of my life, early retirement. And it has been paralysis, pandemic, parent, people pleasing, anxiety and fear.

Efffffffff all that. Who lives like this? This is not a life. This is overwhelm. No wonder I am not at all interested in trying to meet a new partner. There simply isn't bandwidth. I don't take proper care of the relationships, I already do have, for the most part.

I also realized that I came home last night and gave myself some quiet time to recover, and pretty much all I did for hours was read news and social media on my tablet. Someone down the street found a chicken. That football player is starting to recover. The xxxxx school is reviving a much beloved community pub. 11 failed votes and counting in the House. Useful info, but also a prompt to pay attention to how much time I am spending online. That also includes the quality/value of the time I spend here. Gotta go.
 
That sucks that the testing didn't turn out at all the way you wanted it to. Getting out of the overwhelm and reducing online time sound like great goals anyway.
 
What a thoroughly exhausting day! :svengo: I hope you are able to make some space to just do something nice & have a comparatively stressless day. Feet up & a good book?
 
Yesterday (Sat) was the meet "time to talk" that AN requested, at my house. I had no idea what it was about and I didn't have time to worry about that, because I have been so busy, and because it wouldn't change anything. I thought there would be some news, like he was moving, or he had gotten back together with his ex. I scrambled all day to try to make the house presentable (note: another huge waste of time, continuously shuffling clutter around) which involved trying to diagnose and resolve sources of pet odor. I also saw with dismay that the kitchen rugs were in need of a good wash. So began a frantic rush of laundry - including DDog's coat/leash harness, throwing the living room rug out into the back yard, etc. I had to push back the time and I was still scrambling when he arrived at 5:30. Somewhere around 4:15 when I was already dressed and in makeup I decided that DDog needed a bath. So I took him downstairs and did that even.

I was a bit surprised (but not) when AN showed up with a bottle of wine. I ended up making some apps and offering to make chicken tacos which he pushed off. I wasn't drinking. He was sporting a nice new parka jacket and shoes. Later, he called them out: Birthday gifts, he said - "charity" - and he spat that word in my face. He was still driving his older friend's car. He had had an acting gig yesterday and a photography gig earlier in the day. Later in the evening he said that he had had no agenda. Once he had a few glasses of wine it felt like he really just had a need to lay out one more time my worst character defects as he sees them, the intractable differences on financial security versus living life on one's own terms...and the fact that my brutal truth hurt him so deeply.

He expressed anger at my dad for imprinting me with fears about financial security which have governed every major decision in my life,

But I also felt like he was twisting words, interpreting things I had said previously to use against me. He continued to use the word "resentment" which I previously had corrected. He steamrolled over me and my reasons for doing the neuropsych testing...he accused me of not seeing him, but he needs to look in the mirror. Somewhere into the 3rd or 4th glass of wine was when he really just went off the rails.

In any event, I feel like I was a bit prepared for the ending. Several times in the last few days I have reminded myself "when someone tells you who they are, you should believe them." I have not talked to him in over 6 weeks, and life kept going, albeit less colorful. He ("bowed twice") and went on his way. I was in tears but he seemed unphased, and called the tears part of my melodrama that has actually nothing to do with him. I said, "you have a lot of practice walking away from people", to which he agreed. That part is what I was prepared for, when I said that when people tell you who they are, you should believe them. There were no tears on his end, I was just another person in his life who he reached a point that he didn't want them any more. I had become toxic for both of us I guess.

I walked him to the front door, and gave him the set of keys I had gotten from him a year or so ago. He gave me a hug and told me that if I ever get past my hang ups about money to give him a call.

That's it. Goodbye.

So it really has happened now.

I will miss him. But I will miss the version of him that I used to have access to, the one before I started thinking of him as a potential life partner, and went and effed everything up. Not so much because of the truth, but the way that I expressed that truth was indelicate and hurtful.

I am not feeling particularly good about myself at losing another of my very few intimate friends. But it was irrepairable I guess.

And honestly, after I locked the door behind him, I stopped crying, I took a deep breath and collected myself, and then bundled up my dogs and took them out for a walk. It's over. I have been in this place before. It is quiet. It feels too quiet. But I know that this person has consumed a lot of time and emotional energy over the past decade. I will always love him. He will always occupy a place in my heart. But he no longer needs to occupy my mind.

I guess 2023 is going to be about getting rid of clutter so I can make a path forward.
 
Fiera said:
He gave me a hug and told me that if I ever get past my hang ups about money to give him a call.
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Asshole. I'm sorry if it offends your memory of him but there hasn't been a single post in here about him that makes him read like anything but a manipulative, charming asshole, or you as anything but trying to make yourself responsible for why he treats you like a resource. I'm seething on your behalf and I'm glad he's out.
 
Oh, my god. LLama expressed exactly what I was feeling about AN. You are well shot of him!
 
Thanks Cate and LaMa. I am sure my friends in the physical world would say the same thing. And yet there are many times and place and moments in which he was none of that. He was also one of a very few people who has seen me struggle and supported me through some very difficult times. Intimate friends who, at least in my world, are exceedingly rare and precious. Yet, here we are. I put my truth out there before I was ready, under pressure, and indelicately, but at least I am not carrying around these secret thoughts and feelings which I am trying to navigate.

What an opportunity now to explore what it feels like to no longer spend time and psychic energy on a person. I have been realizing lately that I have been so stretched and juggling and unwilling/unable to choose or prioritize people and activities. On a good day, which I have had a couple of Sunday and Monday, I can accomplish a lot. On a bad day the overwhelm and brain fog is like being stuck in quicksand.

The fact that I have had a couple of good days is due to a few factors I think.
1. Resolving situations with 2 people (AN and Saylor)
2. Exercise/getting outside (foster dog/weather/sun) daily for 2 weeks
3. To do's for the dog rescue
4. Diet (lo carb, low dairy, low sugar again)
5. Guitar class - very safe space w a gentle and supportive teacher

And Proggy. He is, I know, relieved that AN is out of the picture. And I am grateful for his support and consistency. I also still want more space from him. I just want more girlfriend time.

I was delighted last night to see another female had joined the class. She sat next to me and introduced herself, and we had a couple of little comments to each other along the way. MDash, redhead. The self-absorbed Ehat, I find to be a social experiment. Paul, camping guy, shared w me photos and description of his teardrop trailer. When I feel safe and have good energy, I am capable of connecting. This is a great place to start practicing basic social skills.

Yesterday I got my YE estimated tax info over to the tax guy. Obtaining and checking some figures took a few hours. I still have to compile lots of detail surrounding itemized deductions, but that can be done when I have a bit more time.

Right now for the dog rescue I am collecting winter dog coats and setting up a scanning station for paperwork and getting some more rugs/maps for the basement. I am buried in laundry with these washable bed pads which KDog is going through apace. I am still working on smells but mostly have worked that through. Sometimes things have to be washed 2-3 times before the smell is gone. So I am behind.

Cornea specialist this morning. Then getting caught up on bills/laundry. To do list is long so I had better get cracking.
 
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