Fiera's Diary

Post shower weigh in 167.3. Well, I knew that it would be ugly.

Today I had lunch after gyno/mall shopping (no breakfast). Fish tacos from the close by place, reasonably healthy and not processed, probably under 500 cals and nicely filling.

Got KDog's stuff ready to drop her off at the sitter. Gave her early dinner. Took out some recycling. Checked in w Saylor. Now sitting w a mug of black tea which will give me the push to get through the packing.

It is grey and cloudy, 2nd day in a row. During a break waiting for my food I suddenly felt melancholy about AN. Then when I got home and took a break it hit me again. It makes sense, I have generally been focused on what needs to get done before the trip. Now that that intensity is loosening its grip, feelings are coming in to play. It feels difficult that there has been no contact with him, and I am about to leave town for a week and a half, even though this was as expected. I am not sitting in the feelings, just nodding at them and then getting on. Brooding is a one way ticket to a pit of deep emotions. Maybe there will be a time soon when I can just have a processing session, maybe with my journal on this trip, maybe I will be able to get to a beach or something. But today feels risky and unproductive.

Just reminded myself to download the transit app for where my dad lives.

I think that is about all I have for now.
 
As usual, I had to lay down and go to sleep and finish packing in the morning, So just having my bowl of matcha and thought I would stop by.

The daily necessities to come with on a trip of this length start to add up. Nowadays there are vitamins and eye drops (3 kinds) and hormonal creams, and foot cream and that's not including trying to bring the b12 shot. Eye care wipes. Nail care tools. Skin cream and clobetasol. Holy shnoodles. Life lesson: Travel well while you are young and don't have to haul all the extra stuff with. Because it all weighs too much for you to handle while you are older. (Musing to self...hire extra guide to pack this stuff up Mount Kilimanjaro, just joking).

I will soon kick it into high gear but it feels so soothing to just sit here and journal. I have about and hour until I have to get an uber.

Saying a little prayer to the Universe that I don't lose my sh*t being around the pair of them for 10 days, They may be doing the same. I am thinking about renting or borrowing a bike or a car just so I have some mobility.

Sitting here drinking hot matcha and the hot sweats just started up. A portion of this is related to eating, not traditional hot flashes. Will continue to monitor,

Am excited! Time to get schlepping!
 
I have always worried about packing for a trip, but you're right that it's worse as you get older. I'm trying harder to take less when I do go away, except for meds. I hope it goes better than you're expecting. Most things do :)
 
Feeling very emotional tonight. The luncheon was fine. Small which was good. Food was great. Generally it was all small talk. I only connected in a peripheral way with people. More so with J and J the couple who gave me a ride home, and we may do something together next week.

Am more melancholy this eve about AN. He has been active on social, posting articles which are directed at topics his last gf is interested in (the one coming in to town over the holidays), and she is interacting with the posts. It is certainly ritualistic courting behavior. I feel hurt and angry and my instinct is to want to do something hurtful in return, like block him, but of course I know that behavior is not how I want to act or treat people. It is very short term thinking.

It just feels important to acknowledge the feelings. Let them occur, watch them, let them pass.

Some of it was stoked by the fancy luncheon, the breezy ride back in the gorgeous bmw convertible, the reminder of what it was like to have money, and to enjoy the finer things, even though perhaps I didn't ever fully belong to that world. But it sure is nice to at least be wealthy-adjacent for the space of a day. They are living a good life. But these are couples. Socially, financially, they are set.

I look at AN and I feel anger that he never desired to have that kind of partnership with me. And Proggy even. He will never be able to do the things that these people take for granted, things that I used to freely do, like travel, have nice meals, nice cars, nice clothes. I connected with a part of my history today that I didn't realize that I actually missed. I didn't think I care much about money, because all I want is security of a safe and clean home, safe and clean food and water, and just "enough" to know I will be OK.

But it I had a real partner with real resources, the possibilities seem much richer.

So, the question is. Does this one day lead me to want to look for someone on my level financially? It just seems so unrealistic, And if I had to choose between someone that I trust and someone with money, I think it's far more important to have someone I trust. But something about today just stirred a desire in me to have an EASIER life. Will see how I feel about it tomorrow. Maybe just a passing moment.
 
Wow. I don't want to say too much, just that my mood and confidence have taken quite a dive the past few hours. There is also being overtired, under exercised, and isolated. Just resorted to 1/2 Xanax and progesterone cream. Also fair to note that didn't have med/supps all day til nearly 7/8 so it was far later than usual.

I realized in the interim that part of the reason things would be easier with a more developed partner is that they already know things. Or they know people who know things. I have been living in a very isolated exisitence and wow, once again being around people who just seem to do life so well...

Don't know where this is going. Just know that I got frightfully alone, sad, discouraged. Really don't want to stay there.
 
:grouphug: I'm sorry the luncheon (and AN's SM) shook you like that. I hope you find either your contentment or a way (back) to where you want to be soon.
 
I'm Ok until I think about AN. He was offline for 24 hours. Still having urge to disconnect from him indefinitely. Been struggling with a lack of alone/outdoor time. Did a little pool exercise with Peaches this morning. Hiking tomorrow morning. Today was breakfast out, lunch out, department store, UPS store, lots of driving including 1 1/2 hours to see storm damage. Peaches has been on the phone a LOT and it is bad...she talks over thr tv from her recliner and when my dad gets sick of it he moves over to his computer and puts headphones to tune her out. So I guess I don't need to feel obligated to socialize with them when this is the case. Maybe I will go take the dog for another walk. The pools are shutting at dusk which comes quickly these days.
 
Walked 2 miles and a mile earlier. Plus pool time. Not bad altogether. I am planning a hike in the morning. That will be challenging in the heat and sand without much shade. I need to get some good sleep tonight but hoping to be up and out the door by 7/7:30.

Difficult watching dad struggle, Today he took a tumble while stepping down off a curb. Tonight he was having a really hard time going from sitting to standing to be able to walk to the bathroom. His knees are particularly bothering him. He is having a harder time gripping things, like a fork, or shaving. Peaches and I talked about it this morning, how is this going to work when he cannot get around any more? Her idea is that he will have to hire a home care aide. I sure hope that it is even possible to find that kind of help.

The reality is staring me in the face that this is inevitably going to happen. The reality also is that when it does my life will be consumed in dealing both with logistics and financials. Everything I can do to nurture my own health is essential. Today in addition to getting gentle exercise I also ate better - avoiding sugar in spite of the two of them stopping at the mini bundt cake store. I have matcha tea down here now and that is so nice in the mornings (at least until we go rushing off in a hurry to go out for breakfast), I noticed the effects of better eating in reduced bloat and more flexible muscles.

I feel like mentally and emotionally I am not getting relaxed, but tomorrow the hike should set me up nicely.
 
Good hike this morning in the scrub preserve, about 3.5 miles. After lunch both Dad and Peaches were ready for TV and a nap and I was finally free to go use the pool and hot tub without feeling guilty about it. So good sunshine and body feeling better physically. I am not a fan of zoos but it is a place my dad can go on his scooter so we are going to do that early before it gets hot. Am hoping to read later.
 
Having a guest around all the time is exhausting as well when you aren't used to it - even if you do all practical things yourself and help them out around the house - so don't feel bad about taking time for yourself and leaving them alone sometimes.
 
I realized today that unlike when it is just me and my dad, and I feel like I am abandoning him if I go down to the pool or a walk or hike or whatever, since Peaches is here I am not abandoning him. Also as Llama says maybe they are happy to get a break from me. Also this is a much longer visit than usual so I can spread things out and still get some good time with him.

Today I made both breakfast and dinner. We went to an animal preserve and garden where my dad could ride his scooter...even got a little pontoon boat ride. Lunch at CJ, groceries, then I had them drop me at the state park ranger station. I wanted to ask the ranger about the scat and track I saw yesterday in the scrub preserve. Younger kid but he was pretty confident in his answers, confirming my suspicions. Panther scat/print....and black bear (fresh). I didn't even know that bears existed here until I started looking up scat pictures last night so that was a wake up call. I had taken down the GPS coordinates and those were sent to the wildlife specialist, but I guess they have sightings from time to time in the area, and there usually is not an issue.

I walked the 2.2 miles back to the condo (yay) and then showered off and headed to the pool/hot tub again. Got a little workout in the pool. The facilities here are only open from dawn til dusk, and dusk comes very early these days, so I got in about an hour before heading in to cook simple dinner (BLT's, mac and cheese).

I finally felt relaxed and physically comfortably tired after 4 days of perfect weather. Doing well on my goal of 3 miles (or equivalent) in the pool. Making decent food choices for the most part.

Dad naps all the time but Peaches and their pup were also asleep in the recliner fairly early. I had a catch up with Proggy earlier. Nothing from AN. S is on her way home from Germany. Spoke with CC and quick call with Saylor. Article re emotional dysregulation hitting a bit deep but not much time to reflect on it,.,which is good.

Webinar last night re rescue dogs and quick exchange w group President.
 
Sounds like an excellent day! Glad to hear you're starting to feel more relaxed. I'd be terrified and housebound if large wildlife exisred in my area but I guess black bear are generalists and have a very large range.
 
Today was a little - no a lot - less intentional. I volunteered to go with to run errands as I knew my dad would rally a bit more with my help. But I had just finished a call with Saylor saying that I realized that I really needed a vacation by myself to help sort things out. She was a bit critical and suggested that I didn't need a vacation by myself to start sorting things out. Then she said something in passing which I took as a threat to our friendship...like my welcome being nearly worn out. So I am NOT feeling good and I cannot effing think with the tv on all the time. I need an excuse to get back out but I just took a walk before dinner.

Why do I feel like the more I learn about myself the more I feel like I am facing an impossible task? So many mountains to climb. So difficult without personal discipline., crappy memory, interpersonal skills. I am not feeling good at all.

At the same time I challenge myself to look at what are my own defects and what are other people's needs, desires and and expectations. What if they simply just don't understand me. I am constantly caught in the eddies of other peoples needs, desires, and expectations. I want to drop out of contact for a while and yet how will that help any of my relationships?

I feel angry and hurt and sad and broken. And wondering if I am just going to go thru the rest of my life failing at relationships until there are no more left.
 
Thanks LaMa. I really don't want to get stuck in negative self talk but last night just sucked.

Today was mostly ok. I got my 3 miles walking, a mile earlier and then 2 miles late after the hockey game, walking dad's BDog and talking with Proggy.

The afternoon was a bit hot. We all got sleepy after a big lunch out. Around 3 I went out and fished for about half an hour. Caught a bass pretty quickly but that was the only bite. I got bit on my hand by fire ants.

A couple I used to work with (JS*2) is picking me up tomorrow to go for dinner and a night lights christmassy type walk. A good chance to practice my social skills. I don't feel like I have an appropriate outfit since I wasn't expecting to be doing more than blue jeans or shorts dinners out...it may rain anyway so going to just make do and not get too anxious about it.

It is 3:30 AM and I just took a xanax and progesterone so hopefully I will nod off.

I was triggered when I checked AN's social on the way home. Mistake. Practicing letting go and trying to look ahead to a different future.

I realized I really don't want to go home. I am making progress while here on getting into shape physically. It is great being outdoors. I like being separated from Proggy and the stresses of running my house, my dog, my life. I did just try,to look at the option of going to AZ for a month but it is such a long drive....and then I am also needed back here at the beginning of March.

Peaches is going to bingo tomorrow afternoon to give me some space to talk with my dad alone. I need to ask him some questions on family medical history esp, my mom. His memory can be selective, but he may have a nugget in there.
 
Hello again. This morning was an early hour in the pool with Peaches. After lunch a 1.5m walk with BDog. So getting exercise. Talked with CC for a bit just now, about the friends/social setting tonight. Also she asked about AN so I was honest about feeling pretty down on myself. I guess it is better in the bigger picture to face the feelings and accept that he is and has been gone. And I deserve more and waiting for something to change is not being fair to myself.

I made a mental list of some fun and interesting things I have done since I left my job. I need to assume whatever I share with these two will get related to others here and there. I particularly would prefer to avoid getting sucked into gripes because that will also come back to bite me. There are plenty of fun times past and present to keep it up beat. I hate though sugar coating things. My family, my personal situation, my history and relationship with the company and people in it. It seems so insincere and I am trying to be more authentic,
 
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I'm glad that you are relaxing into your visit. Being your authentic you is so important.
 
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