Fiera's Diary

Day after. All went fine, really, though the transport got in over 3 hours late. We didn't get back to my place until roughly 7:30 and the last people/pups were out of here around 10:30. I was busy with logistics and really didn't spend as much time bonding with people or dogs as I would have expected. Though if we do this going forward I now have a head start and a learning curve. Some of the prep was a one time basis. I will make some notes on what would make things better next time. And I did start offloading tasks which in turn helps people feel useful and wanted.

I heard from AN yesterday aft on way to airport and we agreed to talk this morning. We had broached the topic when about 10 mins into the call "oh my gosh that is the attorney I need to take this call." I guess the upshot after filling him in on the dogs (he did ask) was that he realized he was dealing with too much right now. He is only functioning at 50%. He is sorry that he started down a path with me which didn't end up materializing, but he didn't know his limit until he crossed it. And that this feels like "a pretty big reset" and with the holidays here he just isn't sure how much free time he is going to have. I said that the silent time apart has been good for me too, that I don't want to cause noise in his recovery and having repeated conversations end in tears was not benefitting either one of us. I said of course I am fine with him taking whatever time he needs because why could I not be?

I was just telling S this morning that AN and I are friends first. I don't know whether there is a time and place in which I would ultimately want to draw a line and say this form of friendship is not working for me. It is also clear that being more than friends is not in the cards any time soon. So fine, it feels more peaceful not dealing with the anxiety that was going on in my brain and body over my relationship with him.

I don't think he is BSing me. If he is, and there is someone else, then that would surely put a halt to me keeping a door open. But I guess I am back to being on the market, technically, How wonderful that I am in such a good place that I am doing things I want to do. I noticed that when I am meeting new people I am not feeling this apprehension and wanting to feel invisible because I actually have something to talk about. It was always there, I just didn't have access to it.

SB reached out yesterday and so she and hubby are going to be in town with plans which changed last minute. Proggy and I will have Thanksgiving with them, which will be really fun. S is now vascillating between coming and not coming, worried about all the viral stuff going around. In any event she is not staying here Sat night so I would likely only see her on Friday.

Looking forward to cleaning up my house!
 
Just a follow up, AN did call back after attorney. Said he felt like he had already said everything he wanted to say. Says he is going down into a bunker and focusing 100% on other things. There might be radio silence for a while, more than usual. We agreed that there is no animosity between us. I said it feels important to me to be friends first, and support his journey but given what he is saying he is going to have to reach out if and when he wants communication. He asked when I was leaving for FL and wished me well on the trip. It was short, it ended with him saying "I am sure we will talk by and by." We are each released. There is always going to be an echo chamber in my heart in the space he used to occupy. But it was that way with Jason too, and numerous others previously. The space they occupy eventually does get a lot smaller with time and new experiences. I am on a right path.
 
Oops it just got to me for a minute. Just how both AN and BG for a time were really good and I was living a good life and felt secure and loved. My photo of the 3 of us playing guitar and having Thanksgiving at BG's was a great moment in time. Now they are both gone. And my mind wants to make this all about me and what I did and didn't do. But that is not true. Maybe our pathologies were always on a collision course. But am having a momentary sad. Also and esp. since S is also not manifesting in healthy ways these days. Well I just stopped myself from continuing and adding to the list. If I work on myself and my own happiness and health then good things and good people will manifest,
 
I found myself in tears several times this afternoon. Just short sudden cloudbursts. Prayed to the Universe to help me be grateful for the people and life I have. I am grateful that my eyes are being opened wider regarding ways in which I may be engaging in relationships in an unprodictive way. I am grateful that I have not given up trying to learn and improve. I am grateful for Proggy and my Dad and SB who had me stop for tea when I dropped off the food for tomorrow. I am grateful that my boiler is getting warm cause it hadn't been running earlier and it was getting too cold in the den. I am grateful for EF and Irish Friend and Saylor. Peaches. KDog. Dog rescue people esp the president. I am grateful for the gifts and influences AN brought into my life over the years...things like teaching me how to change a guitar string, or how to be non-judgement and pro-human.

Relationships and mix tapes. I have said before that I remember every single person who made a mix tape or album copy for me back in the day. It is not just a gesture of caring. It's a lifetime gift of music, which never leaves. AN introduced me to songs when we were playing together, and most recently while listening at his house. Proggy and I used to send music video links back and forth when we first met. A lot of his music doesn't resonate as hard with me. Now if I could find a man who would send me links to 80's alternative, dark wave, industrial etc, who also is retired, financially independent, loves dogs, and wants to travel...well bring it. I don't think it would happen where I live now. Maybe in a major global metro area, like NYC or London.

I think one of the things I like about AN is that unlike many peole pushing 60 he is still learning, creating, pursuing new experiences and ideas. I really enjoyed being around that mindset. I guess I had better adopt it for myself.

Songs on the mental musical jukebox today include "I Know It's Over" (The Smiths); Fleetwood Mac (Never Going Back Again); and something I will have to come back and add as it has for the time being gone away.
 
Good morning. Happy Thanksgiving.

Having a hard time this morning.

Reflecting on one reason why it is difficult to lose people. In addition to blaming myself for inadequacies/not being able to manage relationships, what also gets lost is the sense the someone knows me, a sense of continuity. AN was certainly that, and BG also. L. Jason. People like Saylor and SB are friends and good people but they aren't intimate friends. S may be, or more accurately was for a period, but the focus has been on herself for so long now; in addition there are some other behaviors that are causing me to want to distance.

I very much appreciate that alone time to sort things out is what I need, and Proggy, who is really my best friend, finds it difficult to give me that kind of down time. Now that I am starting to see and accept just how some of my developmental traits have been manifesting in my relationships, I am not just horrified, I feel both strengthened and broken at the same time. I am not a "bad person" but I would like to be a happier, more confident, more authentic one. You can't be authentic, you cannot manifest and grow, if you default to the other person's wants and needs.

The shame of it is that I am approaching my mid 50's. I am tired and I don't know if I have the strength and stamina to re-invent myself and acquire new and lasting friendships which will give me any continuity to the historical rest of my life. Maybe I have to make a choice between the past and the future. I feel like I now understand AN's thoughts and emotional process in cutting ties with so many friends from his past. People who didn't recognize and adapt well when he started asserting himself he has walked away from. Some walked away from him. I get it - many people can't be bothered to peel away the onion layers or are unwilling to accept someone's need to adapt, grow and change. It's just such an evolution and upheaval can leave you trudging a pretty lonely path. I guess it is worth it, to finally manifest your true self. But as I have noted before, making friendships at this stage of life is pretty bleak, since most everyone is well established with kids, grandkids, spouses, hobbies etc.

The path in front of me is the path in front of me. One cannot unsee these deep seated truths.

Today I give thanks for the friends I still have, the quiet space I have this morning, the mild weather, the comfort of KDog, and the knowledge that if I keep trying and stay authentic and open (and out of people pleasing) that new connections will eventually occur to replace the broken ones. I look forward to rediscovering my sense of self and my desires and boundaries. Enough wandering. It is time to come home. To myself.
 
A last post before Proggy arrives to go to dinner at SB's. I may not get time to myself again until Saturday.

I am feeling really emotional. I have become aware that I have slipped on all the daily routine tasks again. The meds are Ok but eye care, diet, tooth, sleep, hormones have all been very poor compliance. Dabbled a bit with alcohol (a depressant I normally avoid altogether). Couple that with not getting outdoors/sunshine and not getting cardio, and I am headed towards a winter scenario I really need to avoid.

In the past 24 hours, as also happened last week, I have had a strong urge to temporarily deactivate social media. It's really about isolating, drawing inward. I haven't done it primarily because I am working to build credibility within the dog rescue group and I am now connected to some of the key players via social. I do like that I can see past the immediate hour and not act out with a bigger view in mind. I just note that this is occurring.

I do not want to bring dour Fiera to Thanksgiving dinner. I am reading a poorly written (3rd edition too!) workbook which, among other things, offers some suggestions for helping low self esteem. One is to take 10 or 15 mins each day to pick a nice outfit out of your wardrobe, fix your hair (and makeup of applicable), and just get yourself into a state of being which will support your confidence. So I will put away the computer and go do that, and work on my gratitude for the friends I am about to spend time with.

Not feeling it right now, though.
 
Proggy and I had a nice time at SB and hubby's (w/son). My favorite part was when the instruments were brought out. Son's Fender Jazz Bass was easy for me to play and now I am poking around online looking for the same one to potentially purchase. We were there for 7 hours which is too long for me, but Proggy was having a good time and I had to practically peel him off his chair to get him to go home.

They invited us to a nearby bar today to watch World Cup and we probably will but with EF/hometown later I am feeling the effects of too much social engagement, food, drink, conversation in too compressed a time period. But part of it is eating so much cr*p is leaving me not feeling well. Nobody of course is forcing me to eat anything I don't want but ever since the pizzas for the volunteers arrived Tuesday eve, along with corn chips and salsa, it has been almost entirely food and drink I would not typically consume. I can tell the difference in how I feel. Admittedly I am one of those people who needs a reminder once in a while...the hard way.

Sun is out, KDog is snoozing, Proggy just got up, so I will go start coffee.
 
I'm glad you had a lovely thanksgiving. I agree that 7 hours is a long time to be socialising. I envy you for being musical. Do you have many instruments?
 
Hi Cate. I have several instruments and historically was very musical, but that is something which was always tied to emotionality for me and I have not really been inclined toward it for years now. Bass guitar is something I was always drawn to but never owned, though I have borrowed one from time to time. Proggy and I went to a resale shop today and I found the same bass but not in the color I want, but now I am certain that I can play that one and will be able to look at mail order options. Also, we looked at amps and learned a lot about what I want out of one.

Yesterday at EF's in the hometown was a nice time. It ended up being a small group; her hubby, her kids, her brother T, her friend S, and Proggy and I. I brought some empanadas and some left over pie and brownie bites. Today Proggy and I ate more sensibly; huevos rancheros for lunch and mahi mahi tacos and beet salad for dinner. So tired I could pass out at 5P, but SB's hubby or son will be coming by to pick up a couple of cases of regional beer I snagged for them last night.

Proggy and I ran errands before and after the guitar store. I got my glasses fixed. Groceries, gas, walk with KDog. I have mostly put the house back in order. Am really looking forward to quiet time tonight and tomorrow, then we will drive down and spend the day with him Monday at his place.

Temps are starting to drop again. I started washing the windows in the den today when I had a few minutes. I will probably do the insides only tomorrow and wait for another warmup to do the outsides. They are so dirty! Perhaps because this year was particularly dry and dusty. But now that the Southern sun is my primary sun, those windows need to let in as much light as possible.

Oh, reminds me, I need to put a full spectrum bulb back into my den lamp.
 
Gently raining Sunday morning. Been awake since 4ish. Still pitch dark at 5:30. Grateful that my neighbor "crazy" T came over and cleaned gutters last weekend - they were full of leaves.

Such a nice bath last night. I don't know how I managed to stay awake until 10. Left the tv off and read more of the C.R. workbook. It really is the most poorly written book yet it does offer some things which resonate so I am rapid reading most and then rereading things which seem useful. What I am finding is that relationships I have found most peaceful and supportive are the ones in which I move with relative independence to pursue my own agenda, goals ans interests. The ones in which I am (or become) grasping or anxious or too wrapped up in supporting a person or their agenda or well being are probably a sign of what this book is calling emotional dependence. Maybe. I want to discuss it with CB. A nuance the book is failing to be very clear on, is that if you are supporting a person because you want to or because you love them, or feel intrinsically rewarded that is one thing. If you support them because of some guilt or are feeling resentment or to avoid a gap in your own life, then that is not healthy. It gives an example of caretaking a parent, which is a burden many of us did not sign up for. Are you giving too much of yourself? Do you give up your own needs/desires/interests? Are you unable or unwilling to ask for the help you need? There is a healthy balance between supporting and being a martyr. And I fell into that trap for a while this summer in particular, with S being the most glaring example.

I am so glad that I am taking time for me now. I am glad AN is focusing on himself because it gives me space to focus on myself. Maybe he already saw what I am seeing. The anxiety I was feeling around him is a huge tip-off. I never used to feel that way around him, so why now? The answer may be as simple as having created some breathing room around S, my dad/Peaches, I was looking for an easy-new attachment. Maybe I was looking to get some space from Proggy. Maybe it was just because of the way AN makes me laugh, is good company, good cook, musical, creative, fun all that - maybe ai just wanted someone in my life who could spark that kind of joy because I have had trouble sparking it myself. But dang, I just need to learn to do that for myself. And I think I am on my way.

Reading again. Ah. Futzing around with creating music. New experiences and people. It is like I am thawing. And while winter season is actually nearly here, if I can just keep myself a priority through the next couple of months, discovering my wants and needs, I can sense myself opening up again. I recall before the Great Sleep and subsequent Rawakening 14 years ago now. It was a relatively short period in which I reclaimed a lot of things about myself. Maybe that is what is happening now. Sure feels like something is shifting for the good, on a very large scale.
 
Ugh. I looked at AN's social page, which I am no longer following in my feed. He deactivated it. I know that he is introspecting and turning off distractions, but also isolating. It is possible that this will lead somewhere bad. It stinks to not hear from him but I will abide by the space we both need. I told him that he would need to get in touch with me and will stick to that.

Meanwhile, I have been dabbling in a few things without getting much done. Dishes, new pyrex food bowls washed, a couple more windows cleaned. Had breakfast. Honestly it is so wonderfully grey and cozy and comfy that I may just give myself the day off to keep healing and growing.

That means no more social so I am saying bye bye to the IPad (turning off).
 
Kinda weird long day without much to show for it. Which I guess was the idea.
I made 2 returns totalling $50. Did some laundry. Found a stall mat I think will help for the dog washing area. Watched 2 movies (Crawdads, Nomadland). Caught up on bills and ledger. S called, it was kept short but she was struggling w a couple of things and had some router questions, She says she talked to a friend yesterday for 3.5 hours who is also going thru hard times. My comment the other day "if you think that may be the case why are you allowing it to continue" had some impact. She called off work and plans to get the attorney involved tomorrow in writing a letter to her ex which should have gone out weeks ago. No judgement, just hope this is the start of gaining momentum.
 
I did benefit from a lazy day. I surprisingly stayed up until midnight, but then got some really good quality sleep, I think, waking up refreshed. I have a COVID booster scheduled at 11 today; I will pick up the good and the green while at store. Then CDog and I will head down to Proggys for the afternoon. It is Monday but he took the day off to make it a long overdue 5-day break from work.

I still have a problem with my pinky toe; what had been a painful corn (I guess) is now a bout of cellulitis (I guess). It has been painful to wear shoes for about a week now. I soaked it in a bucket of hot salt water last night which seemed to help. But still not really ready to go try to jog or take a significant walk with it. Maybe I will try those corn cushion rings. I had looked to see whether the new gym had a black Friday discount but the lowest level of membership was still $40 per month, which is more than I am prepared to spend. I will check back for a New Years' special. Otherwise the ratty gym close by will likely have a $20 rate with no join fee which I could use to get access to a bike during the winter. The nice gym has a hot tub and sauna though.

I definitely have allowed my diet and exercise as well as other self care to relapse over the holiday, really ever since the dog transport and all the pizza and snacks to feed the volunteers. No shame, just got my work cut out for me to get back to where I was. The scale read 166.1 yesterday and I can see fat lines in my thighs again. There are two weeks until the retiree reunion luncheon which takes place in FL...I would like to be rid of the bloat by then.

So, thinking about getting the good and the green in the house, I think I will pick up broccoli and eggs and smoked salmon. I picked up some pre-cooked chicken entrees which were on sale. I haven't had blueberries in a while. I can make some poached eggs this morning.

What other type of exercise can I get which won't hurt my toe? Well I can do yoga/stretching and crunches, that sort of thing. Balance exercises. It would be good for me to get all stretched out anyway. It has been quite a while.

As much as I feel like the author of the CR book must have been drinking while writing or editing, it has been useful in getting me to think about myself n ore constructive ways. Language and how we talk to ourselves does matter. Finding the things that we like about ourselves and bring to the table is useful. Forcing oneself to go shopping for new clothes or to dress up for a special occasion is a worthwhile effort. Doing daily hair and makeup and getting something on besides ragged t-shirts gives me a lift. In fact, I could use a wardrobe purge where I get rid of anything tatty or I simply no longer wear. It's just that the closet would be barren, and there is always something better to do than clothes shopping. It was a lot more fun and easy when I was an off-the-rack size 4. Currently I am a 12, though if the fit is generous I can get into a 10. I am also quite short, which means a lot of things are too long in the legs or arms. But. It will be worth it to find some new things before I go to FL.

One benefit to AN going into a hidey hole is that I am off the hook to learn music to play with him at the nonprofit holiday party. Though there is one song I do plan to keep working on just in case...because regardless, it is heartfelt and we sound really good doing it together. The bass guitar is on hold until I look at financials...the guitar is affordable but purchasing a decent amp will take more research. My thought is to get one that is good for both guitar and bass, and is small enough to schlep around to another location from time to time.

Looking out the window, the sun is so far south these days, and shadows are long most of the day, so that it is impossible to ignore the fact that winter is here. We have had mostly moderate temperatures so far, and I am not prepared for the darkness and severe cold. It is less than a month now until winter solstice and that is where the fun (not) will really begin. Reminds me I need to order new boots for KDog stat. The cold is not so much of an issue when you are dressed properly for it.

Time to meet this day head on!
 
Whew. I am knocked out. Perhaps because I got a COVID booster today. But also because I cleaned windows, made hair and oil change appointments, got the labs sorted out, then went down to Proggy's after lunch for a visit. We went quite a distance to a wealthy town but the main street hustle and bustle of the holidays wasn't happening yet. Too soon, I guess, Monday after Thanksgiving, Cyber Monday. We had the sidewalks to ourselves. We picked up towels on sale at a box store. We had a couple of empanadas to stave off hunger and stopped at TJ's for a few grocery odds and ends. KDog got a bully stick and a peanut butter dog cannoli from the stupidly expensive pet store. For dinner Proggy picked up food from a kebab place while I fed KDog. After dinner and a bit of rest we went upstairs and jammed a bit, I played his bass. Then I got hit with a tired stick and fled home, getting here just before 9.

As I came up the highway I remembered the first time I drove TKH that route from college and how awe inspiring the views were for him. Pleasant enough memory. Then AN crossed my mind. Sigh. But it's very easy to move along if I keep in mind how precious little time we have in this life; no longer am I indulging in The Longing for anything or anyone. I do believe I am starting to love my life again.

Think I am calling it a night. Should sleep great. Rhuematologist tomorrow.
 
Good morning. Well it was a wobbly nights' sleep after all. I woke up in the 2 o'clock hour and couldn't get warm for like an hour. It took 2 heavy blankets to finally get comfortable. Quad muscles also aching, and this morning a broader ache and a headache but I get the sense that things will improve as the day progresses. Had tentatively planned to meet SB at a pub to watch World Cup after rheum appt, since it is close proximity and timing, but texted her this morning and indicated I would let her know after appointment. So, off the hook if I just want to come home and rest. Part of my practice of taking care of myself and not people pleasing.

House is getting a bit disheveled, mostly outerwear (hoodies and coats) and paperwork on the coffee table A week ago I moved the ironing board and iron to the basement as they are seldom used, making it easier to take the vacuum out of the closet. I am vacuuming more often, which is a self-commitment to keep the house up since bi-weekly Cleaning Lady was off for Thanksgiving. It does seem to help to keep dust and dog hair under control. Getting the windows done is an essential step in making my house more inviting to visitors and more cheery for myself. It is hard work though so I just do what I can in little spurts.

Not much more to add this morning. It is quiet and grey. I am having a cup of black tea in addition to the usual matcha, which will hopefully help the headache and get me moving.
 
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