Fiera's Diary

Hope that headache vanishes quickly. Your house seems to be shaping up well. We're tackling some jobs today on the house that we have been putting off, but windows are not even on the list. :svengo: I had better add them, We have SO many windows! By the time you get around the house, it's nearly time to start over again.
 
So true Cate! One of my challenges is having very old triple track storm windows which don't want to release the panels. Its not just washing them it's wrestling with them and hopefully not breaking/cracking them.

It has been quite windy today and the difference in my house since putting the new windows in the attic is great. Freezing conditions coming tonight. Will see how hard the boiler has to work.

Well rheum was a bust as they could not view the 95% completed lab work. Apparently docs offices can electronically block partially complete results so they don't have version control issues. Sigh. I went with the private lab at this doctors request and it has cost me lots of time. Today's doc visit was rescheduled for next week but only after I was in a room and had the PA's attention. The desk staff knew about this yesterday but apparently failed to grasp what a waste of everyone's time it would be to now reschedule the appointment.

I went home instead of joining SB at the pub. I slept through most of the game, after which I felt substantially better. US won today and so did England, which was great. But glad I was not at pub as it was fairly crowded and local media showed up.

Tomorrow I work on taxes and transferring some money to the new money market at the financial advisors. I need to think about Roth conversion versus cash crunch.
 
Fiera said:
Well rheum was a bust as they could not view the 95% completed lab work. Apparently docs offices can electronically block partially complete results so they don't have version control issues.
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Fiera said:
Today's doc visit was rescheduled for next week but only after I was in a room and had the PA's attention. The desk staff knew about this yesterday but apparently failed to grasp what a waste of everyone's time it would be to now reschedule the appointment.
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How annoying. Will you at least not have to pay for both?
 
No, only the rescheduled one. They were proactive in communicating that much, at least. Am glad I found a free spot and did not pay $9 for validated parking though.

And wow - last night I slept and woke and slept and woke about 5 times...about 10 hours in total. And I feel a lot better. Sometimes you don't fully grasp how sh-tty you are feeling until you feel better and can compare. Wow!

Last eve I returned S's call from earlier in the day. It was a long detailed tale of how things went sideways with her cell phone replacement; I told her the story of my medical lab waste of time just to demonstrate that yeah, crap service affects us all, but I can't afford to let it upset me. Then the convo shifted to her ex and her struggles to heal and recover - not my place to get into it here, but based on what I have been reading it will be good to see her deinvest in thinking critically about HIM and what went wrong and his new relationship, to simply focusing on herself and moving forward. As her friend I have mostly just been listening to whatever she feels the need to talk about, as I am not her therapist nor do I wan't to find myself responsible or invested in her changing. She has to want that for her herself. But I think I am going to try nudging a few conversations in the direction of her and her plans a little more forcefully. In the past when I have done that she was not ready and it provoke defensive responses. I don't miss her when I don't talk with her, a telling sign for me on how much to invest.

Speaking of missing, AN...I do find for the most part I get on just fine with my days without him in it. I certainly don't miss the anxiety I feel around him and finances. Last night I had a dream where I was being courted by AN and a pair of brothers, and it ended of that all 4 of us were in crossed paths situation where we were out of town and staying in a hotel, and everyone knew that they were all jockeying for my affection without anyone saying it. And at last when I chose, I chose AN, and he seemed very surprised and almost reluctant to welcome the prize he had won. Which is so like real life. I don't expect or desire anyone to be airy fairy or have wool over their eyes. But I do want a person to desire a relationship with me unreservedly. And I imagine that is what AN would want, and the fact that I have reservations about financials would in fact be enough to send anyone into protective mode. It's really not a tenable basis for a relationship is it. Two people poised to trigger each others' fears about money and rejection. Great.

Well, I still have my dog (for now) and I still have Proggy. I remain tempted to delete BG from the social site, but every time I feel that impulse I end up stopping because it seems like the irreversible final step. But honestly I do not feel like anything is left for me there.

The more I listen to visceral signals from my body, the more I head in a direction which is healthy for me, I just wish that healthy didn't equate to boring. But in someone who doesn't regulate emotion well (except to sniff it out) boring is the path which keeps me alive and healthy, versus train wrecking. I am hoping there is a healthy middle which invokes music or art or something. I really haven't discussed this at all with CB so perhaps this week.
 
Lab work is back, and I can see it! We may finally be getting somewhere. Rescheduled appt is Dec 6 but I left a message to get in sooner if they get an opening, just because it would be one less thing the week of my trip to FL.

Am much more alert today yet physically still blah. Probably inertia. It is very windy out today and much colder. I should bundle up myself and KDog and go for a walk in the forest preserve where there is some protection from the wind. We will see. I will check the wind app to see if and when things are going to settle down. But I understand temps are going to get much colder soon.
 
Oh boy, went out to the car with KDog and my folly was apparent. 30mph winds plus temps around freezing was too much. So I drove instead to the pet store where we got food I was going to need in a few days anyways. Let her sniff around for a while and got some spray which is supposed to help reduce tartar. Her mouth smells like mint and doesn't seem to be bothering her so it is worth trying it for a while.

Am noticing a downturn of mood past couple of days, Not reading too much into it. But the darker days and unpleasant weather and general inertia and fatigue are all having effect. It is probably good for both me and KDog that I am going way for 12 days, I should get sunshine and some pool time and outdoor exercise. kDog will have a change of scenery going to her 2nd mommy's house and will have a few other dogs around for company.

I need to get the tax planning done as a priority. Just can't seem to want to get focused on it.

I need a massage. The girl I like is so expensive but she is really good, Still I want to see if there are any options to get some of it covered under insurance.
 
Did a lot of bored eating yesterday. Slept a lot last night again. It is clear that the winter doldrums are upon us. Today I ask myself what do I plan to do to (a) stay busy and (b) get the eff out of the house. Well, tax stuff this morning then shower and hair appt at noon. Am going to try not to eat anything of consequence until after I get home from that appointment. My poor body needs some relief from all the food I have been jamming in it. The relief I had from the compulsive eating monster is gone. The two factors which have changed are (1) being sedentary/sitting around the house and (2) the content of what I am eating containing more carbs, wheat, dairy, and salt. Both of these are fixable.

Was unable to accelerate doc rheum appointment so that will be next Tues. Mon I take the car in and Weds eve I drop off KDog. Proggy will be here on the weekend. Tomorrow is the last day of relative rest I will get before the push relating to the trip.

I am feeling an unsettling quietude born of letting go most of my daily contacts, creating space from S and my dad even, and the rush of the Tgiving holiday and the dog transport being over. It's all OK, I tell myself. It is just a quiet period. Enjoy it. I checked and AN reactivated his social media, but I don't expect to be hearing from him. I go from being OK to not OK with that, as I do with S, BG, etc. The truth is, I am not the best version of myself when I am spread to thin trying to be there for friends. But I am not the best version of myself when I have too much alone time, either. Something in the middle then. Have friends, but don't hold on to them tightly, save a couple. My entire Universe shifted when Proggy became part of it. He clings so tightly. Is he a balm for my insecurity, or does he help me grow?

The time when I was feeling actualized and really present in myself, was the period when I was leaving/left my husband and for a couple of years after. It was a time when I focused on what I wanted, having a new job opportunity with travel, getting fit, dancing, wearing little black dresses etc. Now I have some recognition that maybe there were some aspects of codependency w/r/t job & husband which led to me feeling suffocated. And what took me down into depression was the spiral of not having a firm support network outside of him, and then falling hard for TB which itself was an unhealthy relationship and involved aspects of people pleasing and making excuses for his behavior.

Darn it all. I mean...one can read these books and twist anything around to fit. L was my best friend. I relied upon him to provide the social fabric of our lives. We had a good life for the most part. What wasn't good was that he could never get a career or steady job path going. And in the end, what was likely serious depression and pot addiction.

How am I going to be free to grow and evolve if I can't get Proggy to relax his grip? He surely doesn't want to. I provide not only daily contact, but a spare bedroom located where he wants to live, and a willingness to do things together ranging from the fun to the mundane. He is still my de facto life partner and he expects to do things together, like the holidays or visiting my hometown friends, as a couple. I guess I need to talk with CB about this. I will never make space to meet a new partner if I am never alone.

The thing about Proggy that is so different from L is that he doesn't bring his own social network to the table, his own friends, his own interests. He counts on me to provide these for him, or to just hang out together. Its not that he has no friends, but they are getting older and they all live out in the sticks. Gah. I really need to discuss this with CB.

Also another topic for her is why I am going to the retiree luncheon and what I might experience and what if any agenda I take with me. Is it to see old coworkers who I don't keep in touch with? Is it showing that they "didn't break me"? Is it claiming my place in something to which I feel entitled, which I at one time felt contained meaning? Is the meaning no longer relevant to my life and my future? Maybe I just remain open and put myself in the path of whatever may arise, it may help answer these questions. It may cure me of any desire to participate ever again, and that is OK.

Well, I have avoided starting taxes for long enough. There is a lot of work to do, but I only need to get ballpark estimates anyways.
 
Morning turned comedic, sort of. Took a shower before settling in to work on taxes; as I stepped out I heard the whirring of leaf blowers indicating that my landscapers had shown up to do fall cleanup. I had intended to pick up some dog doo any day now but hadn't...so I raced to get dried and dressed warm and run out there with bags. It was too late, mostly...I ran down to the more populated area, the dirt garden while they were blowing the other end, only to find the dog doo frozen to the ground in a number of cases. I did my best but they were not pausing and I could not enter the path where they were blowing dust, leaves and pebbles.

I left the bags on the porch and returned to the house, only to hear a voice from inside the front door. Cleaning Lady? But she was not due for another week. The distress on her face when she realized that she had her schedule confused was hard to witness. She was already running late because she couldn't remember where she last left her vacuum (playing musical cars with her husband). She said she would rather have me today than Uber guy who stays up all night. Her life is so hard. I gave her a kiss on the cheek on the way out.

Maybe comical is not the right word. But it was something else. Everything all at once. Now I have just call the complunding pharmacy and exchanged messages with Guru Doc to get hormones reordered as I realized THOSE were just about out. I heard back from him immediately. Really kind of funny to go from isolation to a plethora of people in the space of about 10 minutes. The Universe really reminded me that I am not alone, Even if these are all paid professionals.
 
Well I saw my hair stylist at her new studio space. It was cute and I am very happy for her. But I had everything done in one go today and even before tip it was more than I can afford. I had let her do color streaks last couple of times and again today, and it reminds me why I just started coloring it solid at home and coming to see her only for cuts or the occasional "I just don't feel like doing my own color." I have no obligation to get anything done anyway, and while I support her I also have to feel comfortable with what I am spending.

It has turned brightly sunny out and above freezing, but my mood is somewhat doen. The protectant she added to my hair has made it droopy and lifeless, hopefully temporary. She asked me about Proggy earlier on and then AN towards the end, which didn't feel great. I really am mostly OK about it but there are moments that I find it difficult to acknowledge the reality that he is a man who really just isn't functioning and that I have to, rather than want to, move on.

Coupled with the uncertainty about the lab results, I really don't know what my prospects are for ever being in a relationship again. Emotionally it seems to take a toll on me that isn't healthy. Any time I sense uncertainty it is difficult to not react to that. I feel avoidant now, again, after putting my hand on the hot stove with AN.

Brings me back to just taking care of myself and letting other things just rest. Not fall apart. Just rest for a while. No caretaking. No guilt. No shoulds. Just I feels and I wants with the blank sheet of paper and the crayons.
 
Fiera said:
The relief I had from the compulsive eating monster is gone. The two factors which have changed are (1) being sedentary/sitting around the house and (2) the content of what I am eating containing more carbs, wheat, dairy, and salt. Both of these are fixable.
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Recognizing the problem is half the solution!
Fiera said:
Darn it all. I mean...one can read these books and twist anything around to fit.
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Wouldn't it be lovely if psychology was as clearcut as math? There's probably a dystopic novel in there somewhere, but it sounds so good!
Fiera said:
there are moments that I find it difficult to acknowledge the reality that he is a man who really just isn't functioning and that I have to, rather than want to, move on.
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Kudos to you for being able to identify your needs and wants separate from each other: that's hard.
 
Weighed in after shower 165.0. Feeling less bloated today.

Convo with CB went OK. She was off last week and is off next week and then in 2 weeks. She has been skipping a lot lately for family and personal time, generally because Friday is the day people most often take off. I am doing OK but feel like I would benefit from more continuity and frankly just more time. Especially right now when it feels like there are big shifts occurring. But I take satisfaction that it seems like everything I brought to the table today was resonating with her as well as myself.

I have done most of the maintenance chores. Set up vitamins/meds for the week. Emptied dishwasher and washed a few things. Vacuumed and aired out the rug and blankets and pillows in the den. Charged up my running watch. Ordered something for Proggy. Rotated a load of laundry. Took a shower. It is already 1PM. I didn't wake up until 8:30 today, after a night of restlessness and hot spells which made me go into the frigid bedroom with no coverings and no pants on.

The sun was out briefly but has since gone away. The temp is not bad, in the 40's, but the winds are stiff and cold-damp and quite unpleasant. I have errands to run, but yet don't have to run, and so likely will just postpone.

There is paper everywhere, quite a lot, and I am avoiding doing the taxes in part because there is so much to do. The big work is really around medical and charitable expenses, so why don't I just pick one for today? I pick medical, in part because a lot of the tracking is available online and I just have to add to it. That plus the basic interest income etc should get me 90% there.

Still I feel like I want to cozy up the house before I get to work. Like turn on the TV for background noise and warmth and my string lights for cheer.

S rang this morning at 8:30, a full minute after my eyes popped open. I didn't answer it. I didn't text her my availability. I spoke w CB about her. There is no need to make any sweeping judgements or predictions about the future of the relationship. Only to be more aware, deliberate, and set boundaries. This means to me, if I need space or am busy focusing on other things, I don't have to necessarily drop what I am doing to check in with her and disturb my focus and peace.

Women's Club later.
 
Hmmm. Procrastinating.

Took KDog for a much needed walk, did more laundry, made dinner: salad + turkey burger on toasted eng muffin with smashed cranberries ansd goat cheese ftw! Talked to the dog shop regarding new booties for KDog and the mat shop about equine mats to use for the dog washing station.

Took dad's call which had to be resumed after a delay due to Peaches talking on her phone in the background. He made a crack about them having more issues on her side of the family and she in turn called him a "s----a----" which she says jokingly, but she never does it when they are home during the summers - only when they are in FL, and it drives me nuts. I am sure that they drive each other nuts. She seems to be intentionally irritating him by being on the phone with her family around the clock because she doesn't want to be in FL in the first place, and she is bored just sitting around. She doesn't leave the room she just talks over the TV. It is rude and she could go in one of the bedrooms or the lanai but it feels like she tries to punish him. I have no desire to be around that for more than a week but I probably won't get focused on ideas and planning for how to break that dynamic (ie get them out of the house more) until I am on the way down there. Also, what do I plan to do for ME? (yoga, guitar, hike, shop, etc) so that I feel like I got an actual few days' vacation and didn't spend the entire 10 days caretaking? (CB was very distinct about taking a trip versus taking a vacation, and I appreciate that).

Maybe see J&M. Maybe my estranged uncle. Maybe the girl who moved to Sarasota. Lots of possibilities to see people. I might end up renting a car after all.
 
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Fiera said:
Also, what do I plan to do for ME? (yoga, guitar, hike, shop, etc) so that I feel like I got an actual few days' vacation and didn't spend the entire 10 days caretaking?
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CB was right. I hope you can enjoy your time there!
 
Yay. Proggy was ambivalent about getting together yesterday so we agreed to just get together today and we will celebrate his BDay when I get back from my trip. I made a lot of progress on tax estimates, really quite shocked to see the total healthcare related stuff. Next year hopefully will not be so much. Hopefully.

Joined meditation group this morning and it was very good. Discussion was awareness of emotions, awareness of our physical and emotional reactions to people, events, and situations. About creating space between what is occurring and our reactions, about observing our reactions rather than letting them run the show. Ending with the importance of recognizing and working with positive emotions as well as the negative ones. Watching the river not getting lost in it. Very helpful.

Timely reminder as I think ahead to next Friday's retiree luncheon. If I can set aside fears, resentments, echoes from the past, and just be present, I am sure it will be a lovely experience. Nobody is there for conflict, just to connect with people who shared some of the same experiences for decades. How blessed I am to get a chance to do that in a nice setting where the company is paying for it. And I hope to see a couple of people who were particularly special. Allowing the few people who are still emotional triggers to ruin this experience would just be a shame. I am better than that, I deserve more than that, and I have the ability to change the interface with those feelings. Once you create that space, you take back your power.
 
Proggy and I took KDog to forest preserve, caught the 2nd half of a rivalry football game, picked up dinner from H------, and watched a move which was excellent. Don't Worry Darling. Want to watch it again. Then a Joan Crawford movie, Posessed, which was decent. Home late. Slept pretty good.

Super busy Monday. First time I have used alarm in a bit...back to having appointments and to do's. The task list to get done before trip is very long. Washed rug before leaving. 2.5 hours at car dealer getting route maint done. I did paperwork and made phone calls. Funded HSA. I actually got the hospital system to knock off a surprise charge related to my foot visit which insurance didn't cover because it was coded wrong. I was already tired after that but I forced myself to go to the outdoor mall and do some shopping...I didn't do so great but I did find a new (and somewhat expensive) jacket to replace the red doodle. It was great but it is tired and not as weather proof as it once was. Still, this one is not quite as universal so I may end up seeing what else I can get. Failed on gloves, socks, outfit for FL, but more to come.

Lunch at P-----------, chicken sandwich AND a hot dog, I was ravenous. Gas, xmas wreath, city clerk office (35 min wait outdoors), prescription pickup, groceries. By the time I got home was ready for a nap and I did get comfy and rest and eat dinner but I kept going.

Home paid prop taxes, put transactions in register, received compounded hormones, vacation hold for mail. Surely forgetting some things. Upper back sore today. Very tired. Tinnitus bad (too much salt in big linch perhaps, or sport peppers/onions?

That is it for the night, as when I overdo it, I regret it. Still, I want to get organized before the rheum tomorrow so I will set the alarm and get up early again. I could use some good juju. I don't want bad news, but getting some answers/direction will be better than no info at all. You cannot outfox the enemy you don't know.
 
i slept like crud. As I have experienced quite a lot in the past week or so, I was bothered by very warm spells...have been keeping the house a couple of degrees cooler...still I have to strip everything off and go seek relief in the cold bed/bedroom. I can sleep for a bit but then I wake up cold and have to huddle under a heap of blankets to get warm. Then I sleep for a bit and wake up boiling. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Am also getting them after I eat, generally, or drink something warm. Along with excessive sweating. It's like challenge to keep up with personal hygiene.

I was kindof thinking it had to do with diet/eating to much/eating too late, and it might. Or Change of Life. I also read something about low b12 and since it has been at least a month since I last took my weekly shot, I took one tonight. Will see if it helps. I also learned about how the immune system ramps up at night and since mine is a little over zealous at the moment, perhaps that is another option.

At the rheum today I was a bit disappointed to get shoved off to the PA to deliver my test results. She was nice but it seemed like I was getting canned responses to my questions. I have a provisional diagnosis and a neurology referral and will try to bring up some of the questions to the neurologist. Mostly around things I never thought were symptoms at the time but with the benefit of hindsight perhaps they were clues.

I took myself out to lunch and then got a mani pedi for my trip. First time I have had my nails done in 3 years thanks to the pandemic. I called the sitter and made sure she was still up for watching KDog since she had surgery Friday (her hubby will help). Once I got home and checked where I was on my to do list, I powered through cooking dinner/making salad and cooking 7 pounds (yes) of ground turkey for KDog, both for at the sitter and for after. And then the celebratory mood, the anticipation of the trip sprung upon me.

This is so typical. I likened it to my post divorce period where I would get home in Ftoday from the work week and go into this amped up mode which carried me through the preparations and the going out clubbing to the very wee hours. It's like I get hyper focused on all the tasks and deliverables...and then when the work is done a switch flips and I get all agitated with anticipation, excitement, and the prospect of freedom and enjoyment. It is such a relief, such a joy, to feel freedom for even the space of a few short hours. I started asking myself, now at this age, with certain health comsiderations, how can I channel this energy constructively instead of going out and partying and drinking to blow off steam?

Some of the ideas were: exercise, music, create something, shopping, buy some flowers or new shoes, etc. Though I sure do miss staying out all night whether at home or in London or Amsterdam or whatever. I miss having that kind of energy. I miss manifesting myself with confidence. But ya know, I am trying to build a different kind of life now, one which requires me to be reliable and steadier, and get good sleep. Sometimes it feels that living a saner life is also living a less rewarding one. I suppose there is no solution to that one, Maybe it explains why I was drawn to AN again in spite of the challenges...because that felt more alive and energizing in certain ways, creative ways, fun ways. Sigh. My muddle to figure out because I cannot have it all.
 
Another looooong night. LaMa, I believe so. I do note that my left elbow was
aching last night as well as me having a cauliflower crust pizza (processed food) in the evening. A Vit B shot was not a quick fix that's for sure.

I recall a dream snippet where I was talking with AN and he reached out as if to grab my hand and then laid his arm right next to mine instead. He said "If it wasn't for (not remembered) you'd be my girlfriend right now. My understanding in the dream was his dire financial situation. It is not like I am thinking about him that much during the day - much too busy lately - so I am a bit surprised when my subconscious drugs him up. But I guess I did check his social feed last night and look up the lyrics to a song that he posted. It seemed to me a cry for help, for someone to see and recognize his pain. His BDay is coming up. I suppose I will have time to think about him while I was away.

I can tell I have put weight back on. I will take a post shower weigh in this morning. I realized that this 10 days away can be a reset opportunity. Eating healthy will be a challenge with those two but I also will have the opportunity to exercise outdoors and get real sunshine. I ordered high grade organic matcha tea and a tea set delivered to their condo, as I am no longer going to accept those horrible processed KCups of coffee while visiting. I finished my last cigarette last night and I am going to try to tough it out the next couple of days,

Anyway time to go hit the shower before the great gyno appt. Then shop for an outfit for the luncheon Friday.
 
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10 days of sunshine in December would be a real treat!
 
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