Emily Rose: The Reboot

:p I prefer it raw - by a long way - but I know better than to push my preference on other people. If you want to put your salmon in a pan in your kitchen, even if it is a shared one, you should be able to do so.
 
I did wear a pretty dress yesterday to try to cheer myself up. It felt good.
I am glad it made you feel better, but you know its you that is pretty, the dress may make you feel better, but without you in it there would not have been any pretty.
 
- I’m learning more and more that communication is hard at the best of times LaMa!
- Yep, I can’t stand it Sunflower.
- We’re the same size now Rob! :cry:
- Ugh, I don’t know Cate.
- When you think about the fact that this is about the best way to cook salmon, it really hammers home how silly this whole thing is Amy! :p
- Haha, let’s not start a debate on here too Petal!

Right. I’m not going to talk about this anymore after today unless something major happens, because as my mother would say, ‘Stop giving it your energy!’

The silent treatment has stopped but I pretty much avoided her as much as I could the last few days - which means avoiding cooking and eating crap instead. So obviously that is not a long term solution.

I’m back in the kitchen this evening cooking a yummy rice and chicken concoction, I can smell it from here, can’t wait to eat it! Loads of veggies, and only around 600 calories for a really hearty meal, so happy with that.

But she’s around the kitchen, and all I can say is that there a massive black cloud surrounding her that I want to avoid. She’s one of those people who rarely smile. I’ve decided to just ignore the incident but I’m also not going to make an effort to chit chat anymore. She probably doesn’t enjoy that anyway. If she decides to talk to me, super, I will talk back. But I’m not really too interested in being her friend anymore.

Right. That’s the end of that nonsense.

The scales are not happy with me but had a good eating day and went for a run, so I am fighting back. :boxing:
 
Hey Emily, I doubt we are really the same size, maybe I am getting closer to your weight though. You know if you look at the BMI charts they do not show any difference between men and women of the same height. So maybe we should be the same weight? What is your height?

I can also tell you that a fat layer looks better on a young person than an old one, I am quite sure you look a lot better than I do!

A good eating day and a run, that sounds good, keep it up!
 
Keep fighting that good fight, Em.
Life is too short to waste energy on some people. Not everyone seems to want to be happy. I'm glad I do & I think you do too. Have you heard from SG lately?
 
Sounds particularly draining Em . I used to hate house sharing tbh . Son will be heading down that route soon but he is excited lol .
Keep running and eating well and your weekend walk plan sounds great
 
Thanks everyone. I appreciate the feedback.

Tensions have eased and my housemate is making an effort to chat to me. I am going along with it and I chat away because I honestly can't help it.

I think having a little less distractions has caused me to revisit times of hurt and disappointment with people over the last few years. I guess I am still trying to figure out if I really have let certain things go and I've come to the conclusion that I probably haven't.

We had a video call today with our team and I made some stupid joke that I knew WC would laugh at, and he did. He's forgiven for everything, lol. What I mean by this is that I can still be silly with him and he will be on my on my side. He's still not completely trusted though, which breaks my heart to be honest.

I always hate that I have to have a desk in my bedroom now, but it's storing the 10 books I own at the moment, and when it's gone, I'm wondering where I will put them.

On what we're all here for - weight loss! I think I'm ready to give up on the whole thing. As in - why am I posting on a forum about weight loss? Why am I putting all my energy into this and convincing myself that if I was thin, my life would be perfect?

I was reading a lot the last few days about Johnny Depp and his wife Amber Heard. Her PA composed a deposition in Johnny's defence. The main thing I took away from it was that she was taking amphetamines to suppress her appetite. It made an impression on me because even the famous actresses find dieting hard and some use drugs to get them there.

I am fed up feeling bad for not being slim. And now I'm getting a little bit older, I am wondering just what it is I really want.
 
I am fed up feeling bad for not being slim.
Amen and amen! :smash: (This was the most emphatic picture I could find, to show how strongly I mean it.)
I can see from here that I will never be at the weight which would make me "normal" in standard BMI terms. That is just not my body. My body is a cheerful, rounded, sturdy shape and I'm not going to be ever willowy and slenderly languishing.
But my take is that this place is weightloss and fitness - I do need to/want to lose a bit more weight to be healthy, but I also want more fitness in other ways (balance, energy, endurance, strength) and I really like the emphasis (thank you, Cate!) on kindness to oneself as being part of healthy living.

I have heaps more to say, but it's time to go and walk the neighbour's dog again. With any luck I'll be back. (Also it's freezing, and I keep mistyping.)
 
I realized that what I dislike is not my weight but my body type. And well, there's no changing that. I wouldn't be petite even after several years of starving myself to an unhealthy degree. I can still feel the desire surface sometimes but I am becoming more and more happy with the thing my body IS good at, strength training and hiking, and for me it helps to focus on that.
 
Em what the others said. I remember a time when I was much younger and complaining about my legs , Tum bum whatever and my husband saying “ petal let’s face it you ain’t ever going to be kylie minogue “ and I laughed as he was totally right . I am not a willowy slight person , I am tall broad and let’s face it sturdy . I was telling a friend the other day about my big legs . But one thing I did say to them was they are my legs and they serve me well. Let’s look at this from a different point of view . You can walk , very far . You can hike for miles and enjoy it . You can run and swim and you enjoy it . You can dance and play music . Your body serves you well . It does not let you down. Be kinder to yourself Em . You are a lovely person. Just enjoy each day for now . You are further ahead than many in your health and fitness . Why don’t you concentrate on the non scale wins for a while .

Regarding the weight loss you haven’t perhaps had that switch go off in your head yet . I fumbled in here for a year , and I did actually have to take a break but the switch did flip one day and I was ready to take it seriously. I have been struggling a bit more recently but think the switch is back on again ,
I actually feel you are near that point . For me it was putting on a tight top and I couldn’t get it off , or breathe in it .


I know we talked about it before but would you consider SW. I know you don’t like the concept of the group chat ( I struggle there myself but take a lot of good from it ) but the food choice is amazing . Or even if you want i will pm you the basics of the plan. Actually buy the Sunday world this Sunday . It had a free SW magazine. Would never generally buy that rag but I might this week .
 
I have read today's posts & will respond tomorrow. Don't leave us, Em. This forum is as much about living a healthy life as anything & I, for one would miss you if you left.
 
- Thanks Amy. You're right, I do want to be fit and healthy, even if I'm fed up of the scales.
- That's an interesting point about body type LaMa. I'm tall like you and I have broad shoulders and big hips and I am fine with all that. I actually like my shape really. I like being strong and able to play tennis and really smash the ball in a way that is not so easy when you are petite. Haha. So I've made my peace with that side of the things. It's the excess blubber that is the issue here.
- Thanks for your post Petal, the Kylie comment made me laugh! :) Yeah, I might consider SW when things reopen if I haven't found a way out of this mess by then. I'll check out that rag tomorrow, lol.

I'm back again quite soon because I woke up and I had all these ideas swimming around in my head and I just wanted to get them out there. This will be more introspective, philosophical, naval-gazing mumbo-jumbo, so feel free to tune out now. :) It's really more for myself.

I guess a lot of times, my mind keeps coming back to the comments the girl in work made about me. I know, it's a couple of months ago, let it go, blah blah. But the thing is, it was really degrading. I can honestly say that I've never had someone make out like I was lacking in some way, in a way that I would be looking at their life and filled with jealous rage. I've always felt like I could do anything, and it was really hard to hear insinuations that I am jealous of someone because of their looks, boyfriend, job title, or anything else that comes into their head. It made me think about how that girl perceives me - single, overweight woman in her mid-30s who's not even a manager yet, still living with housemates and driving a shitty car! How awful! She doesn't even wear make-up! Lol. I mean, that's all true, but that's only surface level stuff.

I don't mind that I am not as 'far along' on this journey of life as other people my age. Do I feel a little twinge when one of my friends buys a house or gets married or pregnant etc etc.? Yeah, sure. I am happy for them, but also like, 'Fuck, there goes another one. This room is getting fairly empty.' But I've never aspired to have the husband, house and kids thing. It's not that I actively don't want it, but I remember when I was a kid looking around and thinking, 'There's got to be more to life than this.' And maybe if I do have kids, I will be happy with a simple life. I'm not exactly living the dream life right now. And by 'dream life', I just mean out of the 9-5 routine, travelling the world as part of my work, having a beach house in California and a penthouse in New York, lol. Dream life. I am not sure I want to settle in Ireland, I really find it a smothering kind of a place. Yes, it's great to have a community spirit and strong sense of family, but I guess that also means you have to live more or less the exact same way as everyone else, and be happy with that! But I'm getting off topic. I'll save the rant about Ireland for another day.

My point is that I am generally not a person who really looks outward at other people and wants what they have. For instance, I don't keep tabs on what kind of cars people drive, I generally have no idea. Most people I know could nearly tell you the reg of the cars their friends and colleagues are driving, especially if they are expensive. It genuinely doesn't bother me. I'm not looking for validation from other people. A part of me really thinks that girl in work has a problem with me because I am really my own person. I don't hold myself back, I really express my opinion, I let myself go and have a laugh if the mood takes me, and I am confident in myself without always looking 'perfect' and living some kind of 'paint by numbers' life. I'm just out there, doing things my way, and I am really good at my job. There's no denying that. I don't look up to her and she probably thinks I should. I find her to be incredibly shallow, self-conscious and incredibly vain. I do not look up to people like that, no matter how well-groomed or pretty they are. It's not school, she's not the head cheerleader. And that's how she made me feel - like the dweeby girl with the glasses that day.

Anyway, you're probably wondering why I'm going on about this again. I just think it really was a landmark moment for me. I have put up with so much crap from people over the years and I'm just done. We had some team meetings yesterday in work with people from other areas of the company, and I was myself, making jokes, being silly, and I was so damn happy that I was able to be free and just chat away and not be living in a constant freeze mode worried about other people's perception of me. And I want this to extend to my physical body, because if I can get to the point where I can say, 'Who cares if I am a bit chunky? I am not here to aesthetically please anyone, I'm here to live a great life', then I know a lot of the binging and drinking will stop and I will start to look better by default.

But yeah, what I am trying to say is that even if on paper, I might seem like a failure and even if I don't look the way I should, I am proud to be me. I am proud of all the things I've learned about myself, I am proud that I keep trying every day, I am proud that I've really done things on my own terms and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. And it's not easy to forge your own path, you will have those people pointing at you and saying, 'Look! I'm so much better than them! They're doing it wrong!' but I am so tired of giving energy to what other people think. If I am not mirroring their actions and that makes them feel insecure, so be it - I'll find other friends.

Anyway, I really just wanted to say this stuff, and really start to live my best life from here on out. :)
 
And I want this to extend to my physical body, because if I can get to the point where I can say, 'Who cares if I am a bit chunky? I am not here to aesthetically please anyone, I'm here to live a great life', then I know a lot of the binging and drinking will stop and I will start to look better by default.
That´s so true.
Also: we only look like failures to people who expect everyone to be the same cookiecutter shape. But who wants to get pieces cut off just to fit the mold?
 
Em I think you have summed it all up for yourself to be honest . Why should you try and fit the mould . Be your own person , do your own thing , live your own life for you . Trust me when you stop caring what people think it's so liberating .
Get out and enjoy each day , as my mum used today wear a smile and carry an umbrella
 
Nice post Emily, you seem to know yourself, think critically, and write well. A rare combination of traits.
start to live my best life from here on out
Great way to sum up, exactly what we all should be doing.

You and Petal surprise me a bit on Ireland. Having never been there and only knowing about it from second hand sources I always imagined Ireland a nice place to live. Warm and friendly people, as well as a beautiful setting. But I know reality is always different from fantasy. Reminds me of a joke a Swiss friend of mine used to tell.

When an African immigrant to Switzerland died he was given a tour of both heaven and hell and asked to choose. When he saw hell all of the people looked happy, friendly, and having fun, so he choose hell. As soon as he got there permanently things were very different people in chains, fire, everything you'd imagine. He then complained to the devil who told him, "you of all people, an African immigrant to Switzerland, should know the difference between being a tourist and a resident".
 
To everyone, hi. To Rob's question - I think Ireland really is a nice place to live. It's small and cosy and you will always find shelter and food and a chat.

However, it is very small-minded. My mum used to live in a village and the woman that worked the switchboard used to listen into all the calls, and if you found yourself wandering up the street onto the square, there would be a number of curtains pulled back to watch what you are up to. We had a family gathering at my grandmother's old place and there was an old lady who drove up after us in her car to see where we were walking to.

I think Ireland is a beautiful place - really safe, scenic, good economy. And yet, there's a lot of unhappiness here. There's such a focus on land, money, status, your house, your children's houses, etc. I think it's really difficult to break out of the norm. People love music but of you pursue it full time, they ask you when you are going to get a real job. People love going to plays but they don't treat the people that perform them like it can actually be a real career.

There are a lot of sad women my age that feel like they have failed their families because they don't have a husband, kids and a house. My relations are constantly crowing about their kids that are doctors or teachers or accountants because they feel they are secure or safe. They will always be able to afford the house, the bit of land, they'll find someone to marry them no doubt, blah blah blah.

That's all great. I find it so extremely inhibiting and a bit depressing. That's what I mean about Ireland.

Face masks are my latest rage against the machine. Apparently, that makes me a supporter of the coronavirus. No, it just means I refuse to wear one. I think it's so against everything I believe in. It's like a nudist being forced to wear clothes - maybe they are right! I have never felt so strongly about something before. Because I think it's a false sense of security to wear a mask, it does fuck all. For me, I would rather get the virus and not wear the mask. I put a post on Reddit earlier about the hubbub about Muslim women wearing face coverings and this can be equated to that. I got a lot of angry remarks back. How dare you compare me to a Muslim woman! Lots of men on Reddit, eager to fight. I really meant that it's painted as a good thing, but being forced to do things longterm, which is what this is turning into, is not good in my book. If my life revolves around donning masks every time I leave the house, I'm not happy.

But hey, I've been wrong before.

I applied for a new job today. I didn't expect to and it just happened. I am still really angry about what happened with Head Cheerleader and also WC and I think I want to get out of that environment. But the job sounds like something I'd be really good at. We'll see.
 
Your description of Ireland sounds like country life everywhere I´ve been to. And Rob´s joke about Switzerland would be just as fitting if the migrant came from a European country outside of Switzerland.
About the face masks: I do think they can lead to a false sense of security and they aren´t very useful if people use them wrong, which is what I see here a lot of the time. BUT when used well they do seem to help protect the people around you (not yourself, that´s not what they´re for) by reducing the amount of possibly virus-laden droplets leaving your face. Which is kind of important with a virus people can have without noticing, or can have for over a week before noticing. That said I don´t think they´re very useful outside because the virus concentration never gets as high as inside a building and people aren´t touching things all the time so it´s not as bad when those microscopic droplets land somewhere. Whatever your (or my) opinion: I think as long as we stick to local rules about face masks we should be ok criticism-wise.

Fingers crossed for the new job!
 
It's a bit of a shame after all of the publicity about coronavirus face masks that they are still seen as necessary - after how many liberties have been taken from us, why on earth people would go outside with symptoms and risk spreading it to other people is just crazy. I know some people might not have symptoms, but I have heard on the grapevine of far too many people carrying on as normal after a couple of days.

Hope the job application goes well - is it similar to what you're doing at the moment?
 
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