Emily Rose: The Reboot

It sounds like the day ended fairly well, Em. I'm not into old-fashioned books so much, & thought Normal People was a very good book, but I think it's that right now I need things that will cheer me up. The Sober Diaries reviews are really good & it sounds interesting but I can't see it on the list in our library. Have you read Clare Pooley's second book The Authenticity Project? It looks fascinating. I'll order that I think & read it online.
 
Emilyrose said:
They can bugger off with their 'numbers' and their judgement. Lol.
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Yes!!

I loved the way you found the fun in being stopped again by the guard. :)
Agreed about the ABBA repertoire - one of my favourites is "Fernando".
 
Heh, nothing wrong with cute guys in uniform ;) Music is kind of an emotional lifeline in many situations, isn´t it?
 
- I hadn't heard about it at all Cate. I looked it up on Goodreads. She's a very good writer so let me know if you enjoy it.
- Thanks Amy, I do love ABBA.
- 100% LaMa. I shared a house with a guy before that didn't enjoy music whatsoever, maybe I talked about it here, but it was a fascinating conversation. He annoyed the shit out of me in general houseshare life though. We were very different people, haha.

So, I picked up this diet book in Dealz earlier for the unbeatable price of €1.50! Imagine buying a book for that amount. I just did!

There's loads wrong with diet books. This book literally has 'Diet' in the title and yet the back of the book reads, 'X explains how dieting makes us fatter and includes three common conditions which cause uncontrollable food cravings.' Oh, marketing. Lol.

I don't know why I don't want to put the name of the book in this post. For some reason, I just don't.

Anyway, the part I love about the book is where the author talks about her awful relationship with food for many years and the measures she took to try to get it under control that never worked. She went to a doctor in her early 20s and he put her on an elimination diet, which meant she was on whole foods and cut out all the sugar/processed food and lost a lot of weight very quickly. But she said that her sweet tooth never went away, and a couple of years later, she was scoffing loads and loads of fruit to try to get that sugar high that she missed. I found her story so interesting. She doesn't pretend the diet she prescribes is easy - it's like a kinder version of keto for 5 days, and then you introduce a little bit more fruit and dairy in phase 2 - and phase 3 is basically you on your own, trying to control your own insatiable urges for junk.

I find these books interesting because they only hint at the underlying turmoil that goes on in people's heads. The author briefly mentions that she had a Timotei shampoo model in her year - she went to Cambridge - and I guess that made her feel insecure somehow and she turned to food for comfort. As we've all done. Where has Timotei disappeared to actually?

Why do we all feel we have to be Timotei models, and if we're not, we're nothing? I really do believe perfectionism is a huge component of weight issues. I know it is for me.

That's my review of the book. The recipes in it are really simple, so I always like picking up new ideas. I just don't think I want to have 'flu-like symptoms' for 5 days while I put my body under severe strain by cutting things out all at once. But I might try to start bit by bit.

I don't feel there is any food or drink or substance that I can't live without anymore. Caffeine wouldn't be a big deal. I don't enjoy eating chocolate really - I wolf it down, I just want the bar to be out of my eyeline. Same for biscuits, crisps, etc. Even my main meals that I sometimes spend an hour on, between chopping and cooking time, I just want them to be over. I have lost my love of food, but yet I am eating more than ever. That is really sad.

I also think people associate mealtimes with chatting to loved ones/family/friends/colleagues, and I actually hate eating with others. I hate them watching me eat too fast, not chew my food properly... I don't enjoy it. Food is not one of the 'pleasures' of life for me. And that's the real tragedy, because it's my fuel and life source and yet, I don't look at it that way. My dad said that during this whole pandemic, it's really made him love mealtimes even more. My dad has never been overweight, he's actually on the thin side but with a big frame, and I wish I could feel like that someday.
 
I really miss reading books & just don't feel like rereading any more in my bookcases. I don't want to start buying books again as I used to spend a lot of money buying them. I think libraries will start reopening soon & I'll start asking for them to buy ones that aren't on their list, including Clare Pooley's The Sober Diaries.
Are you sharing with just the one other person now, Em? Does she cook? It's a shame that you have lost your actual enjoyment of food. Would it be a nice thing to think about cooking a meal for her & making it a special thing? Just a thought. Someone else?
 
Emilyrose said:
Why do we all feel we have to be Timotei models, and if we're not, we're nothing?
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Timotei literally means gift from god, which is kind of fitting because model looks are mostly genetic and trying to attain them when your genes want something else generally leads to unhealthy behavior.

I think I know what you mean with losing your love for food. The easy-to-grab delicious stuff makes you feel gross and guilty afterwards while the healthy delicious stuff feels like a lot of work for such a short amount of time spent eating and it makes you wish you could just give up the hunger, the cravings, the worry about getting enough nutrients, cooking, cleaning up afterwards...
 
Em thanks for the book review .
I get stopped most times I'm out by the gardaì. They are always kind and nice. I didn't know you played guitar. My daughter plays and has started again learning some more tunes . Must remind her to learn abba as we love abba .
 
Emilyrose said:
I have lost my love of food.. That is really sad.
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That really is a significant loss. :( Is it partly as LaMa has suggested, that thinking about nutrition content etc has made it all just too much (mental/emotional) work? I hope the simple enjoyment comes back to you.

Ah well... there can be other simple enjoyments this weekend? Music and walking both sound good - I hope your Sunday is really restorative. :hug2:
 
Thanks for another interesting post, thought provoking. Your relationship with food seems unusual. One of the things I miss being on my current diet is being able to eat with others and enjoy the same things. I do still eat with people, but almost never eating the same things. I eat alone alot more, and can't say I enjoy it. I kind of envy you not needing to eat with others.
Emilyrose said:
Why do we all feel we have to be Timotei models, and if we're not, we're nothing?
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I had to look up what a Timotei model was, it seems to me to be the same as any of the commercial models we see all the time. To be honest I have never thought that the cookie cutter model look was particularly attractive. I often see them as too thin, to the point of being scrawny and unhealthy. I know I am not alone, I think most men and women prefer a real and healthy looking person. I hope you don't feel that just because you may not be able to get a job selling shampoo you are nothing. You're not! I suspect some of those models may be, some are lovely people too I am sure, but they really are just people, like you and me.
 
- I live with 2 other women. One of them is doing the keto diet and the other is mostly vegetarian. I guess I could suggest cooking for them, but since it's one of the only things to do during lockdown, maybe they wouldn't appreciate it. I don't know. I'll take that suggestion on board Cate.
- You summed it up well LaMa.
- Yeah Petal, I don't play that often or very well. My fingertips are all busted up from the last few day's of practice, it's annoying.
- I guess you could say Amy that I've been obsessed with eating/not eating for 17 years now. Of course I'm sick of it!
- Thanks Rob. I think it's just the idea of not being 'enough'. The author of that book got into Cambridge, one of the best universities in the UK, and she was still comparing herself to the prettiest girl in her year and feeling like she wasn't good enough. A lot of these feelings have really come to the fore again after the way that girl at work spoke down to me and made me feel like I wasn't as 'good' or as 'pretty' as her. Whenever her smug face comes up on a Zoom call, I actually get pissed off all over again. :(

So... I went completely overboard in Emily Rose's Bar on Friday night, completing ruining Saturday for myself, which of course had the most fantastic sunshine. And I couldn't physically get up from my bed until after 6pm, just to get food in the shop, and then back to bed again until 9am this morning. Ridiculous carry-on, and it's really woken me up to the fact that the drinking every second evening has to stop. I'm also on day 2 without smoking, I'm feeling good so far. It would typically be this evening that I would cave and buy them - I am here really to tell myself and you guys that I don't want to do that. Since I slept for around 24 hours, it really does feel like a reset button has been pressed in a way. I don't want to smoke anymore so I just have to push through the cravings, which are getting a little bit worse as the day goes on.

I also have some very good ideas about how to get the weight off now. Food today has been mostly okay, but I'm not being too strict with myself. I am trying to have 3 proper meals and slowly but surely wean myself off the junk. I went for a run and did a shorter version of my woodland walk today as well. I'm just happy to not be in bed anymore! I really poisoned myself.

I am thinking about the unhappy feeling that comes up when I get a craving for a cigarette. What is this unhappy feeling about? Why is it so frequent? If I stop smoking, will this unhappy feeling come up less, as often the unhappy feeling is about smoking itself? Why is anything worth doing so hard?

That's all for today, happy Sunday to you all. I cannot wait for this lockdown thing to be over. I miss life.
 
Oh, Em. I can't think of anything right now that would change anything for you either, except that I really wish that you could start believing that you are good enough just as you & that your body should be nourished and looked after because it deserves that. This iso life will not stay the same forever. Start right now. You are strong enough & smart enough to give up smoking. I am confident about that. Love your body, Em :grouphug:
 
I second Cate . However I know that as you get older you will appreciate it more . My idea of you is you are a stunning woman and you look great whatever size you are . I know you self care a lot with clothes hair make up etc etc so it’s time now to self care the inner beauty . You will feel better with out the cigs for sure .
 
- Thanks LaMa.
- Thank you Cate, I am really trying.
- Hi Petal. I am actually remarkably low key when it comes to hair, make-up etc. Although I have realised that I am covered up nearly all of the time, and there is a side of me that would love to wear nicer/showier clothes but I always feel embarrassed and really self-conscious. I did wear a pretty dress yesterday to try to cheer myself up. It felt good.

Another day, another drama. This one is kind of upsetting and has nothing to do wine, but to do with my housemate.

So, as you all know, I have a weird thing about food, and I’ve also lived with people before who are very controlling over the kitchen and smells and there comes a point in your life where you get fed up with being controlled and always being the one making themselves smaller so as not to cause a fuss.

So yesterday, I was grilling 2 salmon darnes for my dinner, and the quiet housemate said, ‘Are you sure that’s the best way of cooking them? You should use the oven’, and I replied a lot more curtly than I meant to that ‘I want to grill my salmon.’ She looked like I’d just slapped her. And now, I am being given The Silent Treatment ™.

The Silent Treatment involves avoiding eye contact, leaving the room when I enter it and not even saying hello. I’ve been through this with too many people over the years. Obviously, my manner and the way I say things can be too forceful - I don’t mean it to be, but it sometimes comes out that way. I don’t know how to feel about it, how expressing myself truthfully can annoy people, and how much blame I should take upon myself for this happening from time to time.

But what I do know is that The Silent Treatment is something I don’t care to engage with anymore. In the past I have apologised sincerely, always been the one to back down, had to hear a lecture, and then generally things resumed as normal, until the next time I spoke out of turn. And I don’t want to do that anymore.

I really don’t know this person well enough to be ‘punished’ like this. But of course we are sharing a space during a time where we really can’t avoid each other. Any suggestions?

On a brighter note, no wine last night, and a run this morning. Feeling better in myself. Thanks for the support on here, as always. It’s great to have somewhere to go when I can’t go anywhere! :)
 
I don´t understand the silent treatment. All it does is make me not want to have anything to do with the person ever. These days I try not to apologize unless I´m actually sorry about something - in which case I´ll accept a lecture. Communication is just hard sometimes, especially at a time when nerves are frayed everywhere. Great job not going for wine despite the unpleasantness!
 
I'm no good with the silent treatment - I would just come out and say "Hey, you seem like you're angry or upset about something, do you want to talk about it?" and if she does, winner winner, you can talk about it and have it out, or she says no and then she has no excuse to keep acting like a 4 year old. Sometimes people need to be called out. I hateeee the silent treatment.
 
Hey Emily, no wine and a run sounds good to me.

On the silent treatment thing, maybe the best thing to do is to just let the incident pass and go out of your way to talk to her and be friendly. Pretend like there is no silent treatment. She might get the message that you want to be friends again. The whole salmon thing seems too unimportant to have much impact on your lives.

I agree with Cate and Petal. You should try to be happy with your body as is, and as Petal says I also imagine you are a beautiful woman. Size does not have a lot to do with that. And you really are not so big, I suspect you see yourself as bigger than you really are.
Emilyrose said:
Thanks Rob. I think it's just the idea of not being 'enough'. The author of that book got into Cambridge, one of the best universities in the UK, and she was still comparing herself to the prettiest girl in her year and feeling like she wasn't good enough. A lot of these feelings have really come to the fore again after the way that girl at work spoke down to me and made me feel like I wasn't as 'good' or as 'pretty' as her.
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I get the thing about always not feeling like quite enough. To some extent we all have it, no matter how good we are, but realizing it and living with it is possible. Believe me, you are good enough, like I have said before I can tell from your writing you are a very intelligent and interesting woman. That alone is pretty good!
 
I like Sunflower's approach. I'm sick to death of trying to work out what's wrong with anyone. Just ask.
 
Emilyrose said:
I did wear a pretty dress yesterday to try to cheer myself up. It felt good.
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Oh, good! :) Another great tactic for kindness to oneself.

I'm really sorry to hear about the salmon/silent coldness. :( I can't help - I really wish I could. Hug, and I hope you get a good sunshiny day today.
 
I hope the silent treatment is now gone. Hard to live with that. And fried salmon is the best !
 
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