Emily Rose: The Reboot

Emilyrose said:
I stuck to my no coffees/black tea rule with relative ease.
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I am pretty addicted to caffeine, good for you in cutting back.

Maybe I have said this before, but I really like both the structure and informative nature of your posts, makes for an interesting read. I particularly like the 3 good things, a great idea.
Emilyrose said:
didn't know that's where the term 'redneck' came from Rob
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Yes, the term was originally applied to white southern (Southeastern US) farmers, with sunburned necks. Now its used more broadly and can have a bit of a negative connotation, but being an actual redneck it's never bothered me. In Florida and Georgia cracker means the same thing.

If you listen to this song "Rednecks" you'll hear a line "college men from LSU, went in dumb came out dumb too", my favorite. The song came out when I was at LSU, it was wildly popular with us at the time. The lyrics may sound a bit offensive, but they were meant to be self critical, not to insult anyone but ourselves.
 
- Yeah, I always try to drink a lot of water anyway LaMa, because of the smoking, but that was a surprising side effect.
- Yeah, I thought that Flyer.
alligatorob said:
Maybe I have said this before, but I really like both the structure and informative nature of your posts, makes for an interesting read. I particularly like the 3 good things, a great idea.
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- Thanks Rob, I love compliments, haha! Fun song.

DAY 18 - SATURDAY 18TH JANUARY 2020 - ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT AND I AIN'T GOT NOBODY

Weight: 179.5 (0.7 pounds lost - 15.5 pounds to go)
Goal weight: 164
Body fat: 40.6% (1.3% lost - 10.6% to go)
Goal body fat: 30%
BMI: 27.3 (0.1 lost - 2.4 to go)
Goal BMI: 24.9

Food:
  • cod liver oil tablet and orange juice
  • 2 weetabix, granola, cornflakes, milk
  • lemon and ginger tea; vitamin tea
  • 2 slices bread, butter, marmalade
  • banana; 1 piece toblerone
  • rice cake with yoghurt; mandarin
  • ham, cheese, tomato, red onion brown bread toastie with butter
  • peppermint tea; sparkling water
  • chocolate and coconut cake with cream
  • chamomile tea; 1 fig roll; 1 digestive biscuit
Exercise:
  • Run 13:16
Cigarettes: 6

3 Good Things:
- I went for a wax today, which might not seem like a good thing, but my beauty therapist is the same age as me and we get on great. It's like an actual therapy session when I go there, as I get to tell her all the latest in my life. She probably knows more about me than a lot of my friends do. And she's single too, still out there searching, so we have a lot in common.
- I bought this really cool plug-in diffuser today in TK Maxx, it's class. I'm currently burning the Jo Browne signature blend, which 'helps to reduce anger', exactly what I need.
- I helped my mum out today with really annoying admin stuff that she has to do. I didn't enjoy it, but I did help her, so that's a good thing, haha!

Anything else?:
SG cancelled on me today. I'm pissed off about it, but there's not much I can do. I just feel a bit hard done by, because it's like the minute he found a new job, he dropped me. And I was really supportive of him over the last few weeks. Hmm. Anyway, I'm not going to text him giving out, I'll just leave it for now, and let him make the next move. I did dip my toe back into the dating app I met him on, and some guy with dreads messaged me straight away, but he seemed to be only looking for someone to 'chill' with him for the night, so he's probably not a keeper either, ha. Anyway, I'm a bit disappointed but I'll get over it. The good news is that I will get a great night's sleep tonight, which is important as I have another hectic week of travelling and late nights ahead.

This is the song I referenced in my title of the day, great tune:
 
Well done being a Good Daughter and not getting into an argument with SG! I don't even believe in karma and I'm still convinced people usually get their just deserts. (Unless they're super rich of course.)
 
Em I love my therapist too and what's amazing is back about 4 years ago I used to be not in good mental form at all and she would zone in on it when not one other person in the world knew I was unhappy.
Hope you got a good sleep after and yeah don't go chasing SG .
 
That was good of you, helping your mum with the admin stuff. :) I hope Saturday night's good sleep sets you up for a really exhilarating, happy Sunday!
 
- Thanks LaMa. We'll see if there's hope for redemption or not.
- That's cool Petal, I'm happy you get it!
- Thanks Amy. It wasn't that happy really, but what can you do?

DAY 19 - SUNDAY 19TH JANUARY 2020 - THE BINGE MONSTER STRIKES

Weight: 177.8 (3.5 pounds lost - 13.8 pounds to go)
Goal weight: 164
Body fat: 40.6% (1.3% lost - 10.6% to go)
Goal body fat: 30%
BMI: 27 (0.4 lost - 2.1 to go)
Goal BMI: 24.9

Food:
  • cod liver oil tablet and orange juice
  • scrambled eggs (2 eggs, crushed chilies, milk), spinach, 1 slice toast and butter
  • cholesterol yoghurt drink
  • 1 piece toblerone; 4 cream sandwich biscuits
  • feel new tea; peppermint tea
  • roast chicken, stuffing, roast potatoes, gravy, potatoes, carrots, broccoli
  • romantica and cream
  • 150g salt and vinegar crisps; 120g chocolate buttons
Exercise:
Cigarettes: 4

3 Good Things:
- My gym membership was up this evening, but I didn't have any cash on me, so the woman behind the counter let me go in and I can pay next time. That was nice.
- I saw a sign up in the gym for flamenco classes today. I was thinking when I was in zumba last week that it might be a good idea for me to do some dance classes as I'm so rigid in my body, and then this poster appeared before me tonight. You don't have to sign up for a series of classes, you can just drop in, so I might go on Wednesday, depending on how I feel.
- I got a great night's sleep last night.


Anything else?:
Well, I'm not happy today, so I reacted how I usually react in these situations and bought loads of junk food and stuffed myself. I went to the pool earlier to go for a swim, and I had this sad feeling in my heart, and I just couldn't force myself to go into the water. So I sat in the steam room and then the jacuzzi for a while. I did the yoga session when I came home then.

I'm very low about SG and also the fiasco with WC and I just feel I can't catch a break. I am very lonely and I don't exactly have loads of friends texting me every day asking to meet up, so I just feel like I have a limited support system as well. I know some of that is probably my fault but it doesn't make it any easier today.

During this binge, I really tried to pick apart what was happening, why it was happening, and why I was going back to a default programme that I know is ruining my health and peace of mind. But I ate all the food anyway. The only positive is that I didn't drink wine, and that is probably what I replaced the food binges with for a while. I actually think the wine is worse because that's a whole day of punishment as opposed to a couple of hours. So, there's that. But I don't want to deal with loneliness and frustration by stuffing myself with food anymore.

I have to say, I just really feel hard done by. I am crazy about WC, but I also know that he has a partner and there's no future there. But now the lines are all blurry, and it's so hard to go back to being 'normal' around him because he was so upset with me for so long. And probably still is, who knows? I just don't want to feel like I can't be myself around him anymore, but the thing is, I have to be so careful, because any comment I make that maybe isn't entirely positive might trigger the whole thing again. And I don't want that. And I don't deserve that either.

It's hard to let go and forget about something when you have to face the person every day. But at the same time, I don't want to leave the job.

I'm also fed up with the housing situation. Days like today I just want to be upset, and I can't be when I am at home. So I feel so constrained and then I get cranky and snappy.

Anyway, this too shall pass. Hopefully tomorrow is more bearable.
 
Emilyrose said:
THE BINGE MONSTER STRIKES
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Sounds like you need a garlic necklace or silver cross to deal with that one!

One binge is not going to make any difference in the long run. The key is to make it just one, can you not binge tomorrow?
Emilyrose said:
WC, but I also know that he has a partner and there's no future there. But now the lines are all blurry, and it's so hard to go back to being 'normal' around him because he was so upset with me for so long. And probably still is, who knows? I just don't want to feel like I can't be myself around him anymore, but the thing is, I have to be so careful, because any comment I make that maybe isn't entirely positive might trigger the whole thing again.
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Can you just do the "act as if" thing, you are an actor. Act as if he is a colleague with whom you have no history, of any kind, and go forward. Do that for a while and it may start to feel real.

You are a bright and interesting young woman, and the sea is full of fish, sounds like you need to be finding some new ones to try. And I'd bet you are noticed and attractive to more men than you realize. From what I have seen of your personality and character here I don't know how it could be otherwise. I know you can do it, just get over this hump. And don't binge tomorrow.
 
The binge monster title made me smile as well. Reminds me of a commercial that ran a couple of years ago where a guy got ambushed by a big fluffy monster but grabs Snack (TM) just in time and later you see him sitting on the couch with a number of mounted monster heads on the wall behind him. Can't remember the brand though.
I'm sorry you're feeling kind of abandoned, that's rough :grouphug:
 
Right Em first off don’t get sad about SG because read back through previous posts you knew he was not right for you so draw the line there now . You had some warning signals after Christmas there so heed them now . Regarding WC please be careful there from your own emotional stance . Is your office big enough that you can avoid him .

The housing situation is a tough one . How are your savings going ? Is it time you could perhaps look at buying rather than renting though god knows it’s hard to find anywhere now . My son will be in the same situation soon looking for a place to rent but he is hoping to team up with a few friends .

on the other hand your parents sound so lovely and your fed well there ! Why not knuckle down there and save up the rent money for a year and just go buy .

I know you hit a lonely patch yesterday but it will pass . Reading your diary you lead a very full life and an active one . Have you thought about meetups ?
Even though I am married I get lonely at times too . Only for my daughter being at home still I wouldn’t talk to people outside of work one day to the next. But I enjoy my own company and i make an effort to meet up with my friends on occasions. I hope you feel better soon .
 
I'm so sorry that you're feeling down - and about the SG and WC situations. Especially WC, because I'm getting the idea that SG will just head on off to other pastures, but someone who's at work every day is more difficult to deal with.
You must be pretty well thought of at work, if they're sending you on international trips to sort things out - could you see if there's an opening with the same company in a different section, so he's not in your face every day? But it's difficult whichever way you cut it, and I'm sorry. Are hugs okay? If so, I'm sending one!

About the Binge Monster, though - the attack must have felt bad, but there's your weight, down to
Emilyrose said:
177.8 (3.5 pounds lost - 13.8 pounds to go)
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That's over 20% of the way to where you're wanting to go! So you're knocking the BM flat, however nasty the attack felt at the time. Hugs (if that's okay) and best wishes for a better day today.
 
alligatorob said:
Can you just do the "act as if" thing, you are an actor. Act as if he is a colleague with whom you have no history, of any kind, and go forward. Do that for a while and it may start to feel real.
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- Your post was so kind Rob, it brought tears to my eyes. I like the advice above, I tried it today and it worked well for the most part.
- Thanks LaMa, I appreciate the support.
- Thank you Petal. I know that everyone experiences loneliness at times, it's just not an emotion I am very comfortable with. Hence the bingeing.
- Hugs are always okay Amy!!! Thank you.

DAY 20 - MONDAY 20TH JANUARY 2020 - NOT THE WORST
Weight: 179.3 (0.9 pounds lost - 16.3 pounds to go)
Goal weight: 164
Body fat: 40.7% (1.2% lost - 10.7% to go)
Goal body fat: 30%
BMI: 27.3 (0.1 lost - 2.4 to go)
Goal BMI: 24.9

Food:
  • cod liver oil tablet and orange juice
  • porridge, flaxseed, blueberries, milk
  • mandarin; cholesterol yoghurt drink
  • vitamin tea; detox tea; lemon and ginger tea; peppermint tea
  • salad of spinach & pesto pasta, chicken, stuffing, avocado, rocket, cucumber, spinach, green peppers + slice brown bread with butter
  • twirl bar
  • seafood chowder and 2 slices brown bread and butter
Exercise:
Cigarettes: 14

3 Good Things:
- We had a great turnout at the drama meetup tonight.
- I didn't binge and ate pretty well overall.
- I had a nice chat with my mum this evening.

Anything else?:
It's nearly midnight, so it's too late for me to be getting in-depth with things. Some of you brought up really interesting ideas and topics that I will address at another time. Overall, my mood was better today and I really made an effort to be as upbeat and easy to deal with as I could today in work. I also think I may be allergic to seafood chowder. My face got really hot after I ate it and then I got this itch on my neck, and it really seemed like a very minor reaction to the food. I had the similar hot feeling not too long ago after having it also. So that might be one to stop ordering, even though it's so tasty.

I'm staying strong with the no caffeine thing - the only day I really missed it was my coffee yesterday morning, but it's been fine other than that. Good to know.
 
Allergies suck and seafood allergies can be life-threatening so maybe you should get yourself checked for that. That pasta salad sounds delicious! And I'm glad to hear you felt a bit better today.
 
Agreeing most heartily with this:
LaMaria said:
...seafood allergies can be life-threatening so maybe you should get yourself checked for that.
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because allergies can start with very small reactions, and then suddenly - vooom!

Looks like the BM has left you with a day or two's water-weight - but that's only temporary! Here today, gone tomorrow. Meanwhile, how pleasing that you had a good turnout at the drama meeting! Shows how positive the last production (ie yours) was. :) Have you-all decided on the play or is it still under discussion?

And... :hug2: :)
 
Does sound like you are more positive Em . That’s great . And the food sounds good especially the salad . You could be allergic to shellfish so be wary for sure .
 
- The salad was my best in a while LaMa.
- Thanks for the hug Amy! Yes, we nearly have it finalised. :)
- I was a bit yesterday Rob, today has been hard again.
- Yeah, I think I might be slightly allergic Petal. Eek.

DAY 21 - TUESDAY 21ST JANUARY 2020 - STUCK IN THE MUD
Weight: 179.3 (0.9 pounds lost - 16.3 pounds to go)
Goal weight: 164
Body fat: 40.5% (1.4% lost - 10.5% to go)
Goal body fat: 30%
BMI: 27.3 (0.1 lost - 2.4 to go)
Goal BMI: 24.9

Food:
  • apple danish pastry
  • cholesterol yoghurt; 2 handfuls mixed nuts
  • detox tea; echinacea tea
  • digestive biscuit
  • butternut squash and chilli soup with 2 slices brown bread and butter
  • carrot cake and cream
  • BLT wrap
  • pack of salt and vinegar crisps 50 g; kinder bar 21 g
  • romantica slice and 2 scoops carte d'or ice cream
Exercise:
Cigarettes: 11

3 Good Things:
- It wasn't raining.
- I got through a good bit of work today.
- I got some time to myself to relax in front of the fire.

Anything else?:
I'm not feeling great at the moment. I don't really feel like saying much. It took a lot to not drink wine tonight, I'm not going to lie. But I managed it. I am eating loads of sugar to try to perk myself up and I have no motivation for exercise, but I just have to get through these ropey few days until the storm clouds pass.
 
I hope those clouds pass quickly. That's the one benefit of storms: the high winds means they don't usually hang about.
 
Emilyrose said:
I don't really feel like saying much.
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Hugs again, and nobody would want you to post when you don't feel like it, or to knock yourself out to post at length. I'm really glad you got that chance to relax alone in front of the fire - and also that the drama group discussions are going so well. :hug2:
 
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