Emily Rose: The Reboot

Hi Cate. Thank you! The temping today went well.

M3, D17:

1. How did today go?
Well, the shit hit the fan today. Got a call from HR of the 'hot job' - basically, they are hiring for loads of roles at the moment, and there might be a delay with moving forward with my application, anything from a couple of weeks to a couple of months. Months!!! Very disappointed. Don't know what my next move is.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Feeling like shit today. No exercise. Weight was 11 stone 6 3/4 pounds. Cigs update tomorrow.

- apple
- scone with butter, marmalade on one half, jam on the other
- small portion chicken salad with brown rice and the same veg as yesterday
- 2 coffees and milk
- 2 teas and milk
- Binge attack! 6 tea cakes; approx. 80g salt and vinegar crisps
- real mint tea

Contemplating the wine. We'll see. I am wrecked tired from getting up early so not sure yet. Feeling so, so sorry for myself.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Major setback today. I went home for a while and had a good laugh with my parents though, so that was nice.

At least now I know what the 'hot job' is. I guess it's called a challenge for a reason.
 
Good for you Emily being able to have a laugh with your parents about it all. I won't send you any platitudes hon. I'll still keep my fingers & toes crossed for you xo
 
Keeping prospective employees hopping on one foot for weeks or possibly months does not bode well for how they´ll get treated afterwards. Are you looking out for other job openings as well?
 
Thanks Cate. Yeah, they can be pretty fun.

Hi LaMa, I don't necessarily agree with you but I can see why it might come across that way. I am going to wait till she gives me the exact timeframe later in the week, then have a think.

M3, D17 amendments: Had the bottle of white wine. :( Also had a small piece of scone with cream, jam and butter when I was at home that I forgot to mention. Cigs were 9.

M3, D18:

1. How did today go?
Going out tonight so I'm updating this before I get ready. Bought a new dress in Tesco today, do not have money for new dresses, but I haven't bought anything in ages and I felt like wearing something different tonight. Not feeling that great to be honest - going to try to keep it in my head that I am working really early on Monday and try not to overdo it. Sigh.

2. How was your food and exercise?
No exercise. Weight was 11 stone 5 1/4 pounds.

Food:
- Margarita pizza; can of club orange
- Wispa bar; half a bottle of rock shandy
- 3 Tesco jam doughnuts
- Tiger beer
- a few spoonfuls of pearl barley, brown rice and chicken salad mix

Will update the rest tomorrow. Not a good eating day (obviously).

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Goals are gone out the window a little bit until at least Tuesday. Then it is time to regroup big time, get a better eating routine going, exercise routine going, tackle the smoking issue. If it is going to be another few months until I can interview for that job, I'm going to make sure it is the best version of myself that they are presented with. I can do this!
 
Hi LaMa - heh, well, I hope I'll get the job and be able to let you know! ;) You're very quiet on your own diary lately, taking a little break?

M3, D18 updates: Smoked 17 cigs (approx.) Drank 3 more Tiger beers, 2 Coors light bottles, 3 rum and cokes, glass of red wine. Ugh. Had two more jam doughnuts when I came home.

M3, D19:

1. How did today go?
Nothing happening today. Feeling rough. Had a really fun night with my friends, but it's not worth the hangover. We did have a good laugh though.

2. How was your food and exercise?
No exercise. Back on the exercise train bigtime on Tuesday. No time tomorrow - working all day, then more or less straight to the yoga centre to work the desk there. I really hope I get a good night's sleep tonight so that I'll be able for it.

Weight was 11 stone 4 1/2 pounds. Cigs update tomorrow (should be low).

Food:
- 4 chicken meatballs in pesto; chips with garlic dip; half bottle rock shandy
- can of coke; slice of cheesecake
- bottle of Lucozade
- lemon juice and water
- caramello bar

Haven't really moved all day, so liquid calories it is.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
No. But if the job is delayed for a few months, all the focus will return to goal no. 1, which is the most important goal in the grand scheme of things. Well, at the moment it is anyway. So excited about getting the time I need to rejuvenate and get some really good workouts in. Just need to get through tomorrow really.
 
M3, D19 amendments: Cigs were 6. Also had 2 redbush teas and milk.

M3, D20:

1. How did today go?
A manic but enjoyable day. Working in reception all day, then almost straight to reception in the yoga centre after. It is 20:32 now and I am wrecked tired. But fulfilled.

2. How was your food and exercise?
No time for exercise really.

Cigs were 5. Weight was 11 stone 6 3/4 pounds.

Food:
- glass of milk; banana
- coffee and milk; boiled egg; slice of brown bread and butter
- tea and milk
- vegetable soup; slice of turkey, pasta salad, chorizo salsa, tomatoes, lettuce, peppers; peppermint tea
- coffee and milk; tea and milk
- 2 rice cakes with peanut butter; handful of almonds
- tea and milk; creme egg
- egg salad sandwich

Could have been worse, tried to make healthy choices in the canteen.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Working again tomorrow. Gotta make that dollah somehow.

Going to head to the gym in the morning and try to go to a yoga class tomorrow night. Then all the sleep.
 
M3, D20 amendments:
Cigs were 6.

M3, D21:

1. How did today go?
Don't dream, it's over.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Really short exercise session but I left the house a bit late. 15 min virtual spin, 5 min running on the treadmill.

Weight was 11 stone 6 3/4 pounds. Cigs update tomorrow.

Food:
- slice of toast, butter, marmalade; boiled egg; branflakes and milk
- coffee and milk x 2
- tea and milk x 2
- carrot and coriander soup; half white bread roll and butter
- slice of ham, potato salad, egg salad, beetroot, cucumber
- oreo muffin (the people at work bought it for me)
- can of coke; Hawaiian pizza
- Doom and misery

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Job has been put on hold more or less indefinitely. Got to the final 4 out of about a hundred applications. So disappointed. Back to square one. Fuuuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!
 
M3, D21 amendments:
Cigs - 11. Bottle white wine; 2 cans 330ml weiss beer.

M3, D22:

1. How did today go?
Had a good singsong on the guitar today and my voice sounded great. That's the worst thing about smoking, if you were a soprano and you start, you won't be for long. I did some vocal exercises a week or two ago and I think it worked some magic, it really sounded sharp today. Or maybe it was because I am in serious pain that I was able to put such emotion into the songs. All the songs were a bit sad and I seemed to pick ones which suit my situation perfectly, for example, 'Bye Bye Love' by Simon and Garfunkel.

Watched 50 Shades of Grey as well. I thought it would be awful, but I enjoyed it. :)

2. How was your food and exercise?
Did a hatha yoga class tonight with the hot yoga man. He is seriously yum. I found it really tough cos I haven't yogied (?) in ages.

Cigs tomorrow.

Food:
- can of coke
- caraway seed cake; chai latte
- 2 small wholemeal pittas with falafel, hummus, side salad with dressing, some type of creamy cucumber dip; pot of tea and milk
- tea and milk x 2
- 4 caramel and chocolate rice krispie bars
- small tub salt and vinegar Pringles
- bottle of red wine

Weight was 11 stone 6 3/4 pounds.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
I feel like things are as bad as they could possibly get right now. But don't you often have to reach a real crisis point for change to come? That is what I'm hoping. To summarise all the issues I am having right now in one list of misery:
  • Friends: Went out on Saturday night, turned out all my main gang of friends had already met up that day for food and drinks, didn't bother to ask me to go. My other friend went out on Friday night, didn't bother asking me to go, then told me about loads of other people I hang out with sometimes that were out (who have not contacted me in a while). I feel really sad and lonely and left out, wondering where it's all gone wrong and how I can stop this resentment and anger taking over. I can't really afford to lose the friends I have. Even though they're all being pretty shitty right now.
  • Body: Still not at the weight I want. Still got the pot belly, bad circulation.
  • Alcohol/smoking/food: Gone into meltdown mode with all 3.
  • Job: No job, no source of income or social interaction, or opportunity to replace crappy friends mentioned in point 1.
  • Boyfriend: None. No one interested either.
  • Exercise: Not gone completely but haven't gone running in ages. It takes so long to build up running fitness - I don't want to lose it.
Yep, feeling pretty sorry for myself. Officially, it's all gone down the toilet. Nothing makes me sadder than feeling left out - that one is getting to me a lot and leading to me punishing myself with the food and substances.

I guess the thing is - where do I go from here? Sometimes when you have nothing to lose, it can be freeing. Spinning things on their head a little, what I have to be grateful for:
  • Family. Love them.
  • I could probably get under 11 stone in 3 weeks with regular exercise and cutting out the snacks and alcohol. That 6-8 pounds or so would make a massive difference. 3 weeks is nothing. And I have the time to do it.
  • The smoking/drinking/junk food eating is fully under my control and I can stop it.
  • I have time to focus on my health 100% when I am not working and relatively stress free.
  • There are lots of men still alive in the world.
  • I still have a very good base level of fitness.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that there's fight in the old dog yet. I am going to turn this thing around. There is no going back. Only forwards.
 
In your post aabove I see that you dare to face the truth of your challenges, and that you choose to believe that you can turn things around. That is great, that's what you will need to get out of this!

Like I mentioned, I have been in a very similar very dark period, so I know what it is like. I tried to get out of it many times, and failed many times too. But some small changes stuck and started accumulating, and my wellbeing started creeping up. This is still going on.

So, if I can recommend one thing: don't focus your attention on making the big changes, but use that list that you made as points on the horizon to work towards, while focussing on making little changes. For example, don't smoke for one day (and celebrate your success, then try to do the samethe next day). Cut out one specific snack from your diet. Walk 500 meters more on a day (for example start walking to the supermarket). And so forth. On a day you make thousands of little choices, that you are not aware up, but that over time create your destiny. The effects are hardly noticable, if at all, but give it time and your choices will move you to either success or failure in areas in your life. You are still young, so it is not too late to turn your life around and make it wonderful in every way! :)

The counterintuitive thing is that the fastest and most sustainable way to do this is to do this is by taking it step by step, very patiently and steadily.
 
Thanks Tru, you're right.

Thanks for the advice Tri.

Tru and Tri, haha.

M3, D22 amendments:
Ended up going out with some friends, so as well as the wine I had about 3 or 4 pints of beer (can't remember). Had approx. 21 cigs. Eek. Very bad.

M3, D23:

1. How did today go?
Well, today was not a productive day, as you can imagine. I've pretty much been in bed all day, watching old episodes of Felicity, which is my tv equivalent of comfort food. God, what a great show.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Cigs update tomorrow.
Weight was 11 stone 4 1/4 pounds. I feel really bloated.

No exercise.

Food:
- 10" Hawaiian pizza, sweet potato fries, 1.25 litre bottle of coke
- bottle of Orangina light, drifter bar
- spicy salsa dip with 1/3 of a bag of Doritos
- tea and milk

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Sorted out the friend problem, talked to one of them about it and he apologised for not inviting me and said it was not intentional at all, they just ended up meeting spontaneously. He was really nice about it. I realised the other friend probably had no idea I would have liked an invite to go out on Friday. This is something I need to get over - I get paranoid over nothing. It's silly really. I'm such a sensitive person but that can be damaging.

No alcohol today - success. Going to drive out to the woods tomorrow and go for a run, and maybe try and go to the gym as well to get back on track a bit. Also going to do some cooking tomorrow and get this diet sorted out.

Feeling better about things today, despite the wasted day. I think it will all come good in the end.
 
Babe, I'm so sorry about the job :( Whats the next step forward do you think?

I'm the same as you with friends..very sensitive and feeling left out is also my worst thing too. I tend to not challenge anyone and just stew so glad you spoke to your friend and felt better. Nice to know it wasn't intentional.

Emilyrose said:
I think it will all come good in the end.
Click to expand...

 
Emilyrose said:
No alcohol today - success. Going to drive out to the woods tomorrow and go for a run, and maybe try and go to the gym as well to get back on track a bit. Also going to do some cooking tomorrow and get this diet sorted out.
Click to expand...

That is excellent! :) will join you in quitting alcohol, if that's helfpul. It's no problem for me now, but it doesn't hurt to quit for a few months (for diet, and I must say that if I drink, that it does affect my mood afterwards, and my energy level in the morning after). Actually, it's not such a bad idea, I will do this.

Emilyrose said:
Sorted out the friend problem, talked to one of them about it and he apologised for not inviting me and said it was not intentional at all, they just ended up meeting spontaneously. He was really nice about it. I realised the other friend probably had no idea I would have liked an invite to go out on Friday. This is something I need to get over - I get paranoid over nothing. It's silly really. I'm such a sensitive person but that can be damaging.
Click to expand...

I am very happy to read that. That's one problem off your list! :D It's good to still have friends. Are there people among them who you can share your worries with, who would be willing to be there for you for a while (in a balanced and healthy way of course)? It may be nice to know that you are not alone in this.

Emilyrose said:
I think it will all come good in the end.
Click to expand...

Good to read that you believe that! I believe that too!
 
Hey Sunflower, aw, thanks. Oh God, I am still in the pit, can't even think about the next move. Going to take a week or two to get out of this funk, then back to the drawing board and start applying for jobs again. And nice to know I'm not the only crazy sensitive friend out there! :)

M3, D23 amendments: Cigs were 5.

M3, D24:

1. How did today go?
Went for my woodland run, which was good. Feeling pretty bad though.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Couldn't quite manage the 6k run I had planned - the route was so hilly and I was killed. I did about 4k though with a little bit of extra walking, so it was better than nothing.

Weight was 11 stone 7 1/4 pounds. Cigs 15.

Food:
- milky way bar, creme egg
- coffee and milk; club sandwich with roast beef, ham, mayo, cheese, tomato, stuffing, lettuce
- Finally cooked dinner! Had half a steak with fried mushrooms and onions and lots of broccoli.
- On the booze again, sadly. A 500ml beer and bottle of red wine. This is the end of it! Last night of the drinking. I just really am depressed.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
You know what? I'm just pissed off. I really feel like I've been dealt a few lousy cards in the last few months. Examples:
- Getting on really well in my former job, all seemed to be building up to a great career, moving in an interesting direction, then boom! sorry, we're making you redundant.
- Bumping into the #1 guy I ever met in my life, seemed to be fate that he was in my orbit again, but no, sorry, he's actually in a serious relationship and couldn't care less about you.
- Getting to the final 4 of a really great job that would change the course of my life, but no! sorry! we're putting that job on hold indefinitely.
- Having a real connection with a guy who I knew had liked me for a while, having one date, him agreeing to go out again, then no! sorry! "I'm just not interested and have issues with women." Seriously?!!!!!

I mean, am I supposed to be learning something from getting so close to a good thing only for it to be yanked away from me at the last minute? What is the point? What am I meant to be taking away from this?

All I can say is fuck you universe!!! I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore.
 
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Oh, Emily! You poor thing. Life seems to feel like that sometimes & then it comes good again. Through all this, you need to try to shift the focus & concentrate on feeling better about yourself & life. Life is good, but sometimes things don't work out how you want them to. Being mad will only make you feel worse. It won't change anything. Feeling angry makes me feel sick. Try to do some things that make you feel good. Do you have a friend that you can really talk to? Is it helpful to talk to your Mum? Life will get better Emily. One day you'll look back on this time & say "I got through that rough patch" & you will have moved on.
 
Sorry to read that emily! :(

I don't want to offer suggestions, you probably just want to hear that someone cares. And, while I don't know you personally, I still want to let you know that there are people who care about you. What I get from your words is that you are trying to live a great life, but that there are so many obstacles on the way.

And I would love to see you overcome those obstacles. So, I will make one suggestion. Read the book "The Slight Edge" by "Jeff Olsen". You can find the audiobook version on YouTube, by looking for "slight edge audiobook". It's the first result (by user Stephanie Arnold). The audiobook is less than 4 hours long, and it offers excellent advice.

I read this a few weeks ago, and it has strengthened my mindset a lot, and made me determined to continue (even though I feel like crap). It may help you see your situation in a different light, and learn that you can take little steps to improve it. What that means is up to you of course.

But it's the best book I read in a long time, I think even the best book I read in this category. I listened to it while working out (that's nice about audiobooks), will soon listen to it again.

By the way, while it is a self-help book, it is really down to earth, realistic and practical.

Btw... I reread your post. Great that you went for your woodland run, despite feeling bad! Awesome!

About the booze. Well, too bad, but you had 1 day of success. Let's both start not drinking tomorrow, so we can count together! Of course (if you're in), we need a replacement drink, so we don't miss the alcohol. What do you think of trying some new teas, and drink (at least) one every day as a way of celebrating another alcohol free day? :)
 
Hi Cate, thank you for your kind words. Yeah, I can talk to my mum about it and I explained how hard the last few months have been for me to a friend on Wednesday. But ultimately, it's me that has to get over it.

Hi Tri, thanks for your suggestions, I listened to a bit of the podcast today. I also didn't drink today, so there's that.

M3, D24 amendments:
Ate half a bag of the red Doritos. Also drank another bottle of red wine. How I am not dying today, I don't know.

M3, D25:

1. How did today go?
Another day, another hangover. Slept till around noon, still a bit wobbly. Went to the local takeaway. Came back, watched loads of Felicity episodes, then finally had a shower and went out to Tesco. Some friends are meeting in a local wine bar tonight, I just can't do it.

2. How was your food and exercise?
No exercise. Weight was 11 stone 4 1/2 pounds.

Food:
- carton of orange juice
- can of coke, can of fanta
- garlic and cheese chips and a cheeseburger
- scrambled eggs with feta and baby tomatoes; white bread roll and butter
- chocolate brownie sundae
- apple and elderflower sparkling water

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
No, but starting again tomorrow.
 
Emilyrose said:
Hi Tri, thanks for your suggestions, I listened to a bit of the podcast today. I also didn't drink today, so there's that.
Click to expand...

Hi Emily. Awesome, I hope that you find something helpful in the book! Good to hear that you didn't drink! Cheers to that! :p
Btw I also didn't drink... had my last drink of 2017 yesterday! ;)
 
Good for you Tri.

M3, D25 amendments:
2 cups of tea and milk. 1 white tea. 3/4 bag hot Doritos. Cigs were 7.

M3, D26:

1. How did today go?
Today was a lot better.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Went for my 6k run. Felt invigorated after it. Also went for a short walk on the beach and saw a beautiful rainbow.

Weight was 11 stone 8 3/4 pounds. This is the number that finally pushed me to getting that run in. The reason I do daily weigh-ins really.

Food:
- porridge, raspberries, blueberries, milk, flaxseed
- coffee and milk; yorkie rum and raisin bar
- 2 slices white toast with butter, relish, coleslaw, spinach, turkey
- coffee and milk; slice of coffee cake
- fried potatoes, mushrooms, onion with black pepper and chilli powder; steak; broccoli

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
No.
 
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