I know how hard it is, Eerika. I just wish I could have you over to my house, give you a big hug and sit down for a nice chat.... Too bad you're so far away!
You are such a sweet and lovely girl. Please keep coming back to the site, even if you feel bad and the binging is getting out of control. No one here is judging you. I think most of us on this site have been where you are now, at least at one point in their journey. People deal with job loss, death in the family, divorce and all kinds of bad things that send stress levels through the roof; We wouldn't be human if these things didn't affect us.
Your feelings and actions are very understandable and normal, but I'm sure you can work through them, pull yourself up and eventually re-find your motivation and strength.
I know you can do it!
(BTW-I think your inspiration photos are very good. Being super-strong is a great goal! Much better than being painfully thin and weak!)