Derrick's ongoing journey

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Hi Alta! Great to hear from you! :) I'm doing pretty good emotionally and mentally. Best I've been in a long time for sure. I am pretty frustrated and upset about my continued weight gain but I am hoping this new medication helps.

My wife is not doing so good. She's 29 weeks along and we are thankful for each week that comes. However, her doctor practically has her on bed rest now. She has been told to either sit on the couch or in bed all day. No laundry, no dishes, no cooking, no shopping and no sex. :cry: LOL I'll survive. In addition she is anemic and she also failed her first glucose test so now she has to do a 3 hour test next week to make sure she doesn't have diabetes from the pregnancy. Her weight is fine though. Matter of fact, she still hasn't even reached her starting weight from her first pregnancy, which was 146. I'm not really sure that has anything to do with it though. Can't say I know a whole lot about pregnancy induced diabetes. The doctor is allowing her to go to work twice a week (she's a receptionist) but she's supposed to go home if she feels bad at all. These are the orders until week 34, at which point they are going to let her be more active and if the baby wants to come out, so be it.

We do know the baby is healthy and it's a boy. So we are almost certainly done since we'll have a girl and a boy. Also with my wife having such a difficult second pregnancy, I'm not sure we would want to go through this again.

I've been taking care of my daughter quite a bit myself but my wife still helps as much as she can. My daughter is one month away from her 4th birthday so she's capable of doing a lot on her own but she still needs a lot of supervising and help.

I'm not looking forward to doing the laundry, grocery shopping, cooking and daughter duties all by myself but its only 5 weeks and my wife and children are depending on me.

Well, I should probably be getting to bed now. I have to wake up in 6 1/2 hours to go to personal training. My hamstrings and chest are tight and sore from Wednesday. He wants to do legs and back tomorrow but I'm going to tell him to focus on quads and stay away from my hamstrings.

Good night.

Derrick
 
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Hey Derrick - so glad to hear they are going to try something to help with the weight loss - that is great news and really motivating. I hope you try extra hard this month to really put it to the test! I think helping with the groceries and chores will be like little exercises to burn even more calories! You'll be too busy to snack! Hope you had a great workout with the trainer - have a great weekend too - you deserve it - just stay away from the beers!
 
So yesterday was leg and back day at personal training. Unfortunately my hamstrings were very sore from Wednesday but that didn't stop him from killing them all over again. We did plyometrics for the first time thus far. It was pretty hard but I survived.

Today I'm going to a seminar on wildlife photography. I need to improve my skills so I'm hoping to learn something. I tend to do best with portrait photography but I also enjoy wildlife photography. It's a little trickier because there is less control of your subject.

That's all.

Derrick
 
So I have now hit 220.0 pounds. I pray this is the highest I ever get. I have now gained 27 pounds since last July despite continuing to exercise 3 to 4 times per week and eating fairly decent. Thank you Pfizer. Your drugs are fucking awesome.
 
Hey Derrick,

I didn't realise you were expecting a baby, congrats! :hurray: Even though your wife is having a difficult pregnancy it looks like you have a lot of good things going on in your life right now :)

Still working hard with the exercise I see... keep going!! xx
 
Derrick said:
So I have now hit 220.0 pounds. I pray this is the highest I ever get. I have now gained 27 pounds since last July despite continuing to exercise 3 to 4 times per week and eating fairly decent. Thank you Pfizer. Your drugs are fucking awesome.
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Huge HUGS to you Derrick. I was just thinking about you and Marathon Man who I'll visit next. I always say the adults with small children have it the hardest when it comes to weight loss ... there is SO much giving involved with parenting, there is no way we have the luxury of putting as much energy into ourselves in this stage of life.

But I just want to give you a giant SHOUT OUT for your extra challenge of medication that is, on the one hand, necessary, but on the other, sabatoging to your weight loss plans. :rant: You have every right to feel and express anger about this. You have worked hard and you continue to work hard with your trainer and eating habits. Acceptance of our burdens is super hard sometimes. They can seem ridiculously insurmountable. I know you have a Friend who gives you the grace you need to get through those times ... it's a cross. And sometimes when I think about mine and I ponder the loss, all I can do is rest in He who bore it before me. I think about the utter humiliation He went through, friends falling asleep in the garden, people spitting at him yelling he should be killed and done away with, and asking that a dangerous criminal be released instead of him. Of the exhaustion lugging that piece of wood up the hill, and the excruciating pain of rope, nails and collapsed diaphragm, there are no words to describe the passion. I think on this and it comforts me, because I realize his compassion for my suffering. He is the author of compassion and He is with you in this time.

I didn't know you do photography and how utterly beautiful that you took a class on wildlife photography. I hope your wife has a healthy pregnancy the rest of the way and good luck with being Mr. Mom the next few weeks. RE: weight ... 220 might seem retarded to you but in the whole scheme of things, many men are there and it's entirely do-able over the long term. Don't forget you've got a LOT going on right now with meds, pregnant wife, 4 year old, your job, and trainer! Be as kind to yourself as possible, it will become easier.
:hug2:
 
Anna, I just read your post. I'm out in the sticks of northern Missouri stuck in a small camper with two bars of signal. Getting ready to fall asleep, wondering how I could have lived differently over the past 8 months. Your post brings me some comfort because I feel like you actually understand my frustrations. I'm not just some yo yo dieter complaining during an upswing. I changed my life to lose 58 pounds and it took me 17 months. The following 8 has taken every ounce of will in me not to give up but I haven't. I finally feel stable mentally and emotionally but the very thing that is helping me is also causing unacceptable weight gain. I found myself a year ago. I redefined myself a year ago. Now, today, I feel like I have lost myself all over again.

All I can do right now is hold on. My wife and daughter need me and there is also a lot of work to do out here on the farms. Just maybe a few months after the baby arrives I can focus even more time on me but it is hard to be patient. I worked so hard to feel good about myself and I just want it back NOW!

I think I will fall to sleep ok tonight though, knowing someone understands. Thank you for that, Anna.
 
2Skinny said:
Huge HUGS to you Derrick. I was just thinking about you and Marathon Man who I'll visit next. I always say the adults with small children have it the hardest when it comes to weight loss ... there is SO much giving involved with parenting, there is no way we have the luxury of putting as much energy into ourselves in this stage of life.

But I just want to give you a giant SHOUT OUT for your extra challenge of medication that is, on the one hand, necessary, but on the other, sabatoging to your weight loss plans. :rant: You have every right to feel and express anger about this. You have worked hard and you continue to work hard with your trainer and eating habits. Acceptance of our burdens is super hard sometimes. They can seem ridiculously insurmountable. I know you have a Friend who gives you the grace you need to get through those times ... it's a cross. And sometimes when I think about mine and I ponder the loss, all I can do is rest in He who bore it before me. I think about the utter humiliation He went through, friends falling asleep in the garden, people spitting at him yelling he should be killed and done away with, and asking that a dangerous criminal be released instead of him. Of the exhaustion lugging that piece of wood up the hill, and the excruciating pain of rope, nails and collapsed diaphragm, there are no words to describe the passion. I think on this and it comforts me, because I realize his compassion for my suffering. He is the author of compassion and He is with you in this time.

I didn't know you do photography and how utterly beautiful that you took a class on wildlife photography. I hope your wife has a healthy pregnancy the rest of the way and good luck with being Mr. Mom the next few weeks. RE: weight ... 220 might seem retarded to you but in the whole scheme of things, many men are there and it's entirely do-able over the long term. Don't forget you've got a LOT going on right now with meds, pregnant wife, 4 year old, your job, and trainer! Be as kind to yourself as possible, it will become easier.
:hug2:
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Wow, this is an incredible post... very impowering!!

Derrick, I do know what it's like to be a pregnant woman with a little one running around. If at all possible, please don't let her see anything other than how happy you are to be able to help her out. The guilt that a woman feels when she is not able to care for her family (even under Dr's orders) is huge, and when you add that to pregnancy hormones... big stressors!! A little technique I give my clients (with her doctors permission of course!!!) is belly massage. All 3 of you can do it and the bonding and relaxation is incredible. Just use a small amount of grape seed oil (very safe for you daughter) and make big circles around your wifes belly... CLOCKWISE!!! Very important to never go the other way as if is unnatural for baby, and can constipate your wife if done for too long. The benefits are positive touch for both mom and baby. It's very relaxing to the nervous system and the bonding experience is just wonderful... for all of you. Be strong :)

Marie
 
I'm going to be gone for awhile. I told my personal trainer this morning that I need to take a break until things settle down at home. I'm giving my work, my wife, my daughter and my life the best effort I have in me but apparently my wife thinks I am not doing enough. It is a defeating thing to hear to say the least. Maybe I'll be back in a few months. Hopefully I won't be divorced and back at my all time high weight of 251 pounds. Good luck to everyone. Thanks for the support. It helped many times.
 
Hi Derrick,

Sorry to hear things are so hard for you at the moment. I'm sure things will pan out in time and you and your wife will have your beautiful new baby :) try to keep positive. xx
 
Hey Derrick!...Sorry to hear that you are going to be gone for a while! I'll definitely miss you.....:beating: :(
...all in all, I understand that life is hectic and demanding for you right now with everything going on.

Don't worry, you won't be divorced, or at your all time highest weight. Those are just passing thoughts...You will make it through this as the supportive man that we all know and love! Be safe, be happy, and just "be"! You as well are a huge inspiration to me too!!!

...It's about staying in the fight!! You are a winner Derrick!! Don't ever forget that! ...I'm sure your wife is just frustrated that she can't do all the things that she would love to do as well. Give and take and you'll make it through this with flying colors! :D! :grouphug:!! Love ya buddy!!! ...Don't forget us!! ;)!

We won't forget you!! :iagree:!
 
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:grouphug: Aww we'll miss you Derrick but totally understand! Concentrate on your family right now because it sounds like they need you - just don't give up on yourself either. Don't take this time away to go off your healthy lifestyle - you can still be active with your daughter and watch your calories where you can. Don't just throw it all out the door - advice you once gave me remember! Things will get better I'm sure of it! I look forward to your return! Stay positive - sending my love and positive thoughts your way :seeya::grouphug:
 
April 2nd weight: 222.5

Although my weight as of yesterday was 220.5 so I don't know which one is more accurate. I haven't been doing well at all. I'm sick of giving negative reports so I won't be reporting here very often unless I really start to turn things around. Basically my PTSD has become much worse over the past couple weeks. I have no idea why. People who fought in wars are supposed to have PTSD, not people who lead normal lives. I'm confused as hell and just barely able to be a husband and father right now, let alone even think about losing weight. My bipolar medicine is only making things worse. I'm about to give up on the medicine. I've given my doctor the last nine months of my life and I have also given medicine a try for 13 of the last 17 years. The only time I feel even close to normal is when I'm not on medicine. Yet they keep telling me I need to be on them. The only thing I have gotten out of the meds is half my fat back, exhaustion and a slow mind. I'm exhausted and beyond frustrated. There is nothing left in my tank, physically, mentally or emotionally. All I have right now is my faith and I'm just barely holding on to that. I'm really sorry. I wish I had better news to report. I just hope everyone else is doing well and not going through anything like this, ever.
 
Derrick said:
April 2nd weight: 222.5

Although my weight as of yesterday was 220.5 so I don't know which one is more accurate. I haven't been doing well at all. I'm sick of giving negative reports so I won't be reporting here very often unless I really start to turn things around. Basically my PTSD has become much worse over the past couple weeks. I have no idea why. People who fought in wars are supposed to have PTSD, not people who lead normal lives. I'm confused as hell and just barely able to be a husband and father right now, let alone even think about losing weight. My bipolar medicine is only making things worse. I'm about to give up on the medicine. I've given my doctor the last nine months of my life and I have also given medicine a try for 13 of the last 17 years. The only time I feel even close to normal is when I'm not on medicine. Yet they keep telling me I need to be on them. The only thing I have gotten out of the meds is half my fat back, exhaustion and a slow mind. I'm exhausted and beyond frustrated. There is nothing left in my tank, physically, mentally or emotionally. All I have right now is my faith and I'm just barely holding on to that. I'm really sorry. I wish I had better news to report. I just hope everyone else is doing well and not going through anything like this, ever.
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Hey you... maybe you can use this as an outlet to vent. It is proven that journaling is great for all aspects of life, not just weight loss. If you're in a negitive place and don't want to be talking about it all the time at home, this could be your place to let it out. You have people here who care about you and that means here for you when you're down... not just when you're lossing weight!!!

Don't give up on your faith... try asking different questions.

Good luck, take care, and remember we're here... good and bad!!!
Marie
 
Yeah, definitely keep us updated! I think posting about the negative things going on is MORE important than all the good days. Everyone needs a place to just let it out and find some support.

Not that I have any idea what you're going through, but I hope you don't disappear!
 
Derrick, my friend. Sometimes, I hear you say all these things about medication....while thinking "Wow...maybe the best for him would be a primitive natural style of healing foods eating. Raw. Pure. Plant based. Organically grown. Nature's healing....It's not bullshit in my eyes.

I am cancer free. I feel because of the choices in food I made. The choices in which I listened to my body. Maybe you should listen to your body.

It sounds like your awareness of your body as well has heightened. It's a Belief System. Do you choose to BUY into their belief!!??!?

...It's worth a shot. Watch "THE SECRET!" ...align yourself. Believe. Visualize. And do the actions! Love ya buddy! ...And they are all right....Get on here and VENT!!!...In every form of negativity that you release...you give yourself the escape...and you give us the GIFT of LEARNING & knowledge from learning from your experiences.

...we can't all possibly make all the mistakes of the world ourselves. We can only possibly hope to learn for the experiences of others/ Don't be afraid to share. We do love you!!
 
Hey everyone. I just want to thank you all for your continued support. My wife has made it to 34 weeks so she is technically off of bed rest now. If the baby tries to come, at this point they are going to let him. However, she is still taking it easy because she has very little energy and when she does too much she usually starts having contractions. It happened tonight as a matter of fact. She's in bed watching a movie right now and I just finished putting our daughter to bed so I have a little bit of time to post this update. I guess for this entry, I'll just pretend I'm writing in my personal journal I keep to help me figure out this PTSD curse.

I went to an internal medicine doctor on Monday to get another opinion on how I should be treated for this bipolar curse. Unfortunately in his opinion I do need to be on medicine to treat the chemical imbalance in my brain. He basically told me to just hang in there and hope for the medicines to improve. He also said I'd make a good cow poke, which I thought was funny because I do work on farms. What he meant was I would do well out in the country, isolated from the noises of city of life.

There is a lot of truth to that. I am completely at peace when I am working at the farms. I show very few, if any, symptoms. When I come back home I melt down. I actually start to have anxiety attacks on the way home. As soon as I begin to drive into higher populated areas I start to feel panicky, scared, nervous and angry. At home it is even worse. I have no tolerance for barking dogs, obnoxiously loud cars/trucks or any other disturbing noises.

This is what happens to me when I hear a disturbing noise. (Most sane human beings do not particularly like these noises either. The difference is I have no tolerance for them whatsoever.) First the fight or flight instinct surfaces. I then have a strong urge to go destroy the source of the noise. I even justify my desired action in my head because I'm certain they would be getting exactly what they deserve. Then I take a deep breath, tell myself I can't change the world and remind myself of two things, one I have a family that needs me and two, hell is awfully hot. So I flee. I go back into my home and pray for the fucking jerk to let his dog in or for the stupid punk kid to quit driving by my house in his stupid turbo four cylinder blasting his shitty sounding bass. At that point I'm helpless. In order to protect everyone involved I choose to be a victim. I then feel nervous and somewhat frightened. After the noise stops for good, the feelings stay with me for a long time. It used to be an hour or two. Now it seems like 24/7 around the clock. This is why my psychiatrist and therapist think I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's hard for me to disagree.

It takes every bit of will power I have to put on a fake smile and not show my wife and daughter that I'm a nervous wreck. My wife knows better but my daughter is still fooled. Unfortunately she often adds to my anxiety. She just turned four three days ago. It's a tough age...for parents. She disobeys every request and everything turns into a battle. She alone is enough to wear me out but being a good father becomes nearly impossible when I'm already worn out from all the bipolar and post traumatic stress crap going on.

The good news in all of this is God has given me the strength to overcome. Somehow I am taking care of my daughter and giving her the love and attention she needs. Somehow I have been able to comfort my ailing wife who's nearing the end of a rough pregnancy. Somehow I continually conquer the urge to lash out against my tormenters. Somehow I still show love to the people around me who just might be tormenting me themselves.

Everyone is safe and sound and sleeping peacefully tonight. Everyone but me. I'm miserable.

...And that's just one battle I face. Maybe tomorrow I'll talk about how the one thing that is supposed to be helping me has made me gain 30 pounds since last July, takes away every ounce of energy left in me and is more likely to kick me into a state of depression than the damn disease itself.

Fun stuff.
 
Aw Derrick. I truly have extend out to you and feel for you. I'm glad you are venting and I am SO proud of you for being the strong individual you are. You control is astounding, and it's deep for sure.

.....Curiosity,....What do you think you need?
 
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