DearDiary I hope u work magic

Newmom34 Thank you so much hearing that you also struggle from the same things i do kind of gives me comfort, not that i wish this upon anyone, but to know that im not alone in this really gives me a good feeling inside.
I have everyday headaches i don't know why, but if i don't take a pill for them they will only get worse and i'm going to end up in bed all day. So today i was wondering why i get those, it's probably because i just started excercising almost 2 weeks ago and so my body is just changing and getting used to new things like eating less and working out 5 times a week.
I wanted to write in the diary before i go and hit the gym, once again today i feel like i weigh 50000 pounds, seriously, i had a bit of a crisis today with my "clothes" i went through my WHOLE closet i just wanted to see how badly my old clothes don't fit, OMG is it ever bad let me tell you!!!!!
Just imagine take dough and stuff it inside a tiny shirt, yah gross i know, well maybe it's not that gross but in my eyes that's what it basically looks like. Im so sick of feeling bad for myself i just want to kick myself in the butt and a slap here and there and say " GET ON WITH IT, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LOSE 80 POUNDS IN 2 WEEKS YOU MORON!!!" hmm maybe i should try that.
I don't want to seem like a person who whinnes everyday , but hey when you're struggeling so hard to lose this nasty weight it gets to a person, and im sure a lot of you know this feeling. Today it was pretty boring, my son just kept crying he was really cranky today so that frusturated me even more not only that i got puked on ALL OVER, so that just did it lol. Im hoping when im done with the gym a lot of stress will be gone, i think im gonna hit the hot tub today and forget EVERYTHING that has been bugging me today.
Do you ever when you are really hungry or starving for sweets or just ANYTHING TO CHEW ON because you are bored, do you ever walk by your fridge like a million times, i did that today i kept walking around my fridge and the kitchen, thank god i didn't eat anything..phew!!! I think my dinner was okey, kind of, 4 perogies and 3 snitzels or whatever those are called with a tiny bit ketchup, i had to. I feel just right, but still i feel crapy.
I'm not going to deny this but i do miss my ice creams and chocolates A LOT, so i get stressed when i realize that im going to have to watch my food EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I don't want to live everyday by the scale, god why can't i be one of those people who eat eat eat and don't gain a pound:mad:
I guess only some are born lucky, the rest of us have to work at it. SO dear diary another day, another entry.
Until next time
xoxox
 
[I'm not going to deny this but i do miss my ice creams and chocolates A LOT, so i get stressed when i realize that im going to have to watch my food EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I don't want to live everyday by the scale, god why can't i be one of those people who eat eat eat and don't gain a pound
/QUOTE]

I'm with you here MissLovely...which is why I never bothered to do this more than once before. I was okay with myself, and loved food too much to give up the stuff I loved. But I'm getting on in years, and single. And while I've been told I don't need a man to be happy :D I would LIKE one very much. And if losing weight will give me enough confidence and self-love enough to go out and find one...then it's worth it.

I guess I (or we) may need to bribe ourselves to keep going, forever. My goal is to go on a date by next spring...we'll see. (It would be easier if there were any decent men in this town:rolleyes: ). Then my next goal is to go to Disneyworld...maybe lose a certain amount of weight before I go. Then my goal will be to maintain my new low weight for 3 months, then treat myself to something; I do need a new computer!

Sorry for the ramble. I guess right now, still being fat, I can't see thinness being it's own reward, so I'll have to keep up with the bribes. :)

If that didn't make any sense, then ignore me.:D
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Dq that sounds like a greattttt idea!
My goal is to get into a bikini by next summer, or get into some sexy jeans, size 8 or 9. I keep thinking about that , and also i know there's going to be plenty of cute guys in university *WINK* hehe so i gotta prepare for that. ANyway it's pretty late so ima head of to bed now.
Until next time
xoxox
 
Pretty good day

Tuesday (August 22nd 06)

Today went pretty good, it's only 1.30 so i got the whole day to go. I had a somewhat good breakfast, well actually it was horrible but you know what it's only horrible in the sense that it was fried (chicken) and veggie potatoes. I only had a little bit so i guess i really didn't over do it. I'll burn it all off in the gym today anyway.
I ran yesterday for 12 minutes, my goal was 15 but i was getting too tired, it was getting hard to breath so i decided to listen to my body, it was clearly telling me to slow down, but did i ever have a good sweat, i burned about 450 calories yesterday, i rewarded myself with some relaxing time in the spa tub, beautiful, it took all the stress away from me. By the end of the week i am def hoping to get 15 minutes, i have to challange myself because i get easily bored (GEMINI) *wink*
I bought a lot of Peaches they were on sale. I love peaches i had like 4 already, i haven't checked how many calories they are but you know what it's a freakin fruit i don't care better that than chewing down on chocolate . After im done this diary entry im going to go do some laundry, not that there's much to do but just to keep me busy and going. Couple days ago i was ready to give up , all my cravings came back and it felt like it was my first day starting my diet, and it was soooooooo hard i wanted to cry for food. But this week i decided that i won't do that IM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK ON TRACK :D

This is a song dedicated to the heavy me that lived with me for most of my life

I never should have waited so long to say
what is going on since the very first day
thought that you would stay forever with me
but the time has come to leave

before we turn off the lights
and close our eyes
i'll tell you a secret
i held all my life
its you i live for
and for you i die
so i lay here with you
in our final goodbye

A final goodbye to the heavy me

I find music to be very modivating when it comes to life's struggles such as weightloss and doubting yourself, feeling not beautiful and feeling like your hated and you are not worth what other people are. LIke you're looked down on because of what you look like.
Your personlity being ignored , something that doesn't belong in humanity.
With todays media we are being judge more and more by looks, no one cares anymore that you are nice and loving, now all you gotta have is big boobs and a size 2 pants and you're all of a sudden accepted in society. I'm not losing weight to be admired for my looks and have men drool over me i don't want to come off to someone as lazy and somone who spends their days eating away, i want to travel play sports, wear whatever i want and not give a rats a##. I WANNA HAVE A LIFE, AND THAT IS WHY EVERY TEAR EVERY BIT OF PAIN I FEEL DURING THIS PROCESS OF LOSING WEIGHT IS WORTH IT, I WANT TO LEARN FROM THIS. FOOD IS A ADDICTION AND IF WE CAN OVER COME THIS, MY GOD THEN WE CAN OVER COME ANYTHING. NOTHING WILL BE ABLE TO STAND IN OUR WAY. TO SOME THIS MAY SOUND FOOLISH, THOSE WHO DON'T TAKE THIS SERIOUS AND THOSE WHO THINK IT'S EASY TO DO THIS, BUT WITH THIS FIGHT A LOT OF PAIN, TEARS AND SUFERING COMES ALONG WITH IT, AFTER ALL THIS IS A HUGE CHUNK WE ARE TAKING OUT OF OUR LIVES.

Until next time
xoxox
 
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Food Is My Lover

Today my morning started "good" and then it just crashed and burned

I got up today thinking everything is going to be great, little did i know that i would screw it up once again.
I had a bowl of cherios which is good .
After half hour i decided i would eat some more junk.
This is what i had:

Honey nut cheerios (whole grain + milk) 180 cals
sandwich & a half (3 slices of white bread )285 cals
On the sandwich - Chicken spread 100 cal
On one slice of white bread - Chocolate hazelnut spread (1tbs) 109 cal

Total calories consumed in 2hrs = 674

You see, that's my problem. I don't do this everyday but i slip up BAD like this. 674 calories just in the morning is horrible, now i got like 626 calories for the whole day left, well dinner really no snacks for me :(
I didn't have any healthy stuff in the house, all my peaches have been eaten by myself and the rest of the family and i don't like apples, no fruit just bread and junk. I gotta go grocery shopping. I bought this organic cereal cost me like 5 bucks it's a tiny little box, it looks good on the picture but ewww iit's so disgusting, so that's just sitting in there all lonley. Im gonna go get some crackers and healthy food so this doesn't happen again.
 
Miss, don't worry about those little slip ups. I find that if you just accept that you cheated a little and it will not affect your weight loss for the week then you can be "good" for the rest of the day. Don't blow the rest of the day just because of one tiny cheat. that is one of my downfalls anyway.

Keep on workin !!
 
Hey Misslovely! I was just reading through all your diary entries. You shouldn't be so hard on youself over your slip ups!! Everyone has them... it's only natural!! You're trying to change your eating habits and that's HARD!! You and I have the same goal and are about the same height. I've been at the weight you are now and I've also been a lot heavier. If you ever want to vent believe me... I will understand!!:) You've done great so far!! Keep it up!!
 
Thank you guys that made me feel better :)
Ah i guess today i kind of went crazy with food, but i'm not going to bitch about it, all i can do is prepare for a better tomorrow :D and some nice workin out.
You know a week ago if i cheated i would've beat myself up so bad for it, but i have learned that in order to win, you have to be okey with losing a couple of times before you get there.
Losing weight is like a sport, keep practicing and you will only get better at it.
 
Hey Sista! Thanks for stopping by my diary. I totally identify with you. I walk around feeling like everyone that looks at me thinks about my weight and that I have no control. I look at these magazines with starving actresses and actually wonder where they get that kind of control, it's sad really? I smell food and I feel like Tucan Sam. I can usually identify it too. haha I smell pizza, I smell mexican, mmm BBQ Chicken .... Geez.

Anyhow, I think you're doing great. It's tough but we can do it! You get into that bikini girl!! You can do it!
 
Thanks MissJellyBelly , I guess we all can relate to each other in many ways when it comes down to weight.

It's 1.30 and i had a okey morning i guess, except i think i had too much bread, but i will have nothing but veggies for dinner , and i'll be working out a lot today just to get back on track.
LATER IN THE DAY
............
(5.00 pm dinner time)
well that was a tiny dinner, I could eat more but i refuse to, i have enough fat on me to last me for one whole winter so why doesn't my stomach have some of that. I had some kind of green beans with vegetables, i had a tiny bit of bread like the size of a credit card. I'm off to the gym in a bit i just gotta add some new songs to my MP3 player to keep me happy while im working out. God one time i put Dane Cook on it one of his stand ups, i was laughing on the treadmill like a idiot , people were staring from left and right thinking "what has she been smoking today?" lol it was great. Okey so before i start to write a novel here, i gotta go do that and get my butt to the gym, by the way i didn't go yesterday :( i don't know i was really tired , but today is make up day and tomorrow WEIGH-IN CAN'T WAIT, I hope i lost at least 6 pounds .
until next time
xoxox
 
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Hope you had a great work out!

I'm glad that you are so motivated but eating just a few vegetables doesn't really seem like enough for dinner! Your body won't eat your fat first if you aren't feeding it enough! It will go right for your muscle which will slow down your metabolism! Just keep that in mind ;)

Hope you have a great weekend and a successful weigh in!:)
 
Thanks for your concern hf2006 but im sure you will be happy to know that i ended up eating a pretty okey dinner a little bit of everything was included.

Yesterday morning i had a tuna sandwich and i didn't have time to eat any snacks or anything between the morning and 5 pm...i was starving.
Me and ony of my close girlfriends decided to hit Montanas for dinner mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. We both had a burger and some fries..i know not the healthiest but i haven't eaten that stuff in like 3 weeks so it was okey i guess. We also had a tiny dessert, vanilla ice cream on top of a brownie covered with hotfudge and whipped cream ....oh my goodness that was what i call HEAVEN ladies and gentleman :p We also had a magician do a couple of tricks for us lol he went around doing it for the kids lol but i guess he saw that we were watching him so he decided to do some for us ...*wink wink* maybe this weightloss is working pretty well lol ;) Anyway i didn't end up going to the gym yesterday i was busy but important thing is i went 3 times this week and that's good. Today im staying in all day my poor little baby has a fever not feeling well at all :( Hopefully monday will be all well and i'll be back on my good friend the treadmill.
Today was my weigh-in but i forgot to do it in the morning i'll do it later on because i just had dinner lol and i wouldn't want to confuse myself at all with that, i want it to be as accurate as possible :D
Well my lads and lass's you all have a WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KISSES AND HUGS
:D
 
ahhhhhhh :eek:
I totally piged out on soda crackers and cheese lol.
What a freakin loser...weekends are so bad. It's like i give myself this approval of eating junk without actually giving it, and it's so easy to give in and just do it, but then when the weekdays arrive i totatlly refuse to eat Sh** , i guess that's because i know im going to have to work my butt off at the gym later on just to burn off what i ate.
Wow who knew a few godman crackers and cheese could kick my a##

SO i was hanging out with my gf yesterday and she started talking about how she's so fat, the girl is 5'10 and probably weighs around 160. She looks like a freakin model, heads turn when she walks by. She goes on about " oh my god my stomach is like dough, it's so fat, i have to lose weight" and here i am sitting there listening thinkin "if you are fat, then what the f#$% am i????" i just really wanted to yell at her at the top of my lungs and tell her that she's being stupid and she knows she looks good, if she really felt fat or thought she was she wouldn't wear these tiny tight jeans and little shirts, she was saying it so i can reply by OH NO WAY YOU ARE SO GORGEOUS instead i just nodded and said you know what then do something about it. I hate people who love to rub shit in your face like that and go "HA!! IM SKINNY AND YOU'RE NOT!"
no sympathy from me there.
 
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I have skinny friends that say they are fat ALL the time. It really sucks and just makes you feel worse about yourself. I actually said something to one of my friends one time and she doesn't say it in front of me anymore. I think that most girls are just unhappy with something about themselves and want to vent to their friends. It's usually the girl who actually do have weight to lose that don't go around saying i'm fat... haha. Keep your head up and don't get too upset about it! You're working to change your body and will one day make all the head turns instead of your friend! Your body will be toned because you're eating right and exercising! :)

Don't worry about eating bad on the weekends. Every Saturday is my cheat day. I eat whatever I want. I'm talking anything!! I do this because I eat a really strict diet during the week and I don't want my body to hit a plateau or stop losing weight because I'm not feeding it as much as I used to. It seems to really work for me. Also, I've noticed that the longer I diet and eat healhty the less my body wants bad food. For instance... I LOVE ice cream and I ate some yesterday and it made me feel sick to my stomach! It's becauce my body is saying no no no that's not what I need! Anyway, I think this is the longest post I've ever written...haha! ENJOY! :)

Have a great weekend!!
 
Thanks hf i appreciate the help. You are def right, everyone even if they seem perfect probably feel as if they need to change something about them. I think even when i am at my goal weight i'll want to still change something. My weekend was good, went to the cornfest but i didn't have any corn it was late. I CANNOT wait until monday i can actually say this I MISS THE GYM SO MUCH. Anyway i hope everyone had a great weekend.
Bye
 
it's not there anymore

I hate to say this but i think i have given into everything. It's so hard to stay focused even though i was so successful the first 2 weeks. It may be smoething lots of people go through, but i just don't have that drive and motivation anymore, i want to lose this weight but i guess it's easier saying it then actually doing it. I haven't gained any back i don't think, but i can tell i've let go and if i don't soon do something those 10 pounds will be history. I don't know what to do anymore, i like going to the gym but it scares me that i'll work out and just totally mess that up because of horrible eating habits. I thought that i would make it for sure 3 weeks ago, i was so confident in this.
It's kind of weird , i realize what i am saying, and a person would ask me " if you know what you're problem is , then why don't you fix it?"
Well it's not that easy, i read about all these people on this site , they're so strong through this and even when 2 months go by they're even more determined then when they started and then i look at myself and i ask myself "what is so wrong with me?"
All i know is that i'm not going to go down without a fight.
I feel better writing about my problems , it made me feel much better actually. Hopefully once i hit the gym today i'll be back on track.
Until next time
 
i like going to the gym but it scares me that i'll work out and just totally mess that up because of horrible eating habits.
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Even if you quit eating right, working out and getting exercise can only HELP you! Don't give it up, ever, because it's so good for you!

I don't know what to say about wanting to give up; I'm not at that point yet. Last time I tried this, I lasted for a month. But that time, I gave up everything I loved, and it got too hard. I think the reason I am doing so well now is that I do allow myself treats once in a while. Might I suggest you check out Weight Watchers? I love the Flex Point system; it's not so restrictive, and I've lost 2.5 lbs this first week I've been doing it. I get enough to eat too. Just a thought!

Please don't give up; you've worked so hard, don't let it be for nothing! We're all behind you here:)

Let's get through today. Eat well for today, and we'll worry about tomorrow when we get to it, ok?
 
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I agree with dariqueen! You should stick to the gym. Even if you stray from your eating habits working out will still help you in some way or anther.

I know what you mean about giving up... I have done it MANY MANY MANY times. I get realy motivated and into my diet or exercise for about a week or two. Then I'm like oh I've lost some weight I guess it's time to stop now. Losing weight is hard and most everyone needs support! If I would have had support a few years ago I would have already reached my goal weight. It's taken me 3 years to get to the point I am at now. I've been the same weight as you and I've been a lot heavier. Maybe if you can keep yourself motivated you can get closer to 200... I think that's what's motivating me now.. I WANT TO BE in the 100's!!!! You can do it!! You really can.... just stop thinking about everything you want to eat and start thinking about what you should eat! You will be so proud of yourself when it's over! :)
 
Thanks guys..that meant a lot to me.
Okey well yesterday i gave it a good thought, and i decided that i was way too strong to give up just like that, expecially when i was doing so good.
I was watching these video blogs on youtube yesterday and i came across this girl who had a lot of them and just spoke her mind about things, it was pretty cool. One thing she was talking about was cosmetic surgery, and she wanted a couple things done i think i remeber she wanted a tummy tuck, some mole removed from the face, her nose done, breast reduction and at the same time breast implants, and a whole new make over with the hair and stuff. She was a pretty girl, and just watching her and thinking god what this world has done to us, making us think that even with losing weight we're not good enough so we have to go under the knife to have someone in this stupid society approve of us. I myself have surgery in mind after im done with this weight but nothing like a nose job just a tummy tuck incase there is a lot of skin left. Anyway she decided to go really extreme really unhealthy in my opinion, her goal was to lose 20 pounds every month, and she would just eat pretzles all day and drink her coffee, she probably didn't even think about nutrition and the vitamins because eating pretzels all day and drinking coffee all this time can't be good for you, and besides if you think about it why not just eat bread all day because that's what pretzels are. When i went to another video of hers she named it "HOW DID I NOT KNOW!!!" and it was exactly as i said..she was talking about how a friend told her that pretzels are carbs and it's like bread so now she's going to eat JUST fruit and coffee and water, i hope someone on that site is telling her that she's putting her self in danger, i don't know maybe i'm wrong, but it's telling me she is doing this the wrong way. If you want to go check out her videos i think her name is sophiegirl1 but if that doesn't show then just type in the search weight loss and you should see it..as a matter of fact let me see if can put the link on here for everyone.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Qbnf8AVl1CE&mode=user&search=

Check it out...she's got a lot more of them.
I like watching these to see how people deal with their struggles with weight, it gets me motivated just to know that i'm not the only one feeling like this.
 
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