Dear Carbs: is not you, is me. -A diary of an emotional eater

Today has been an AWESOME day!



first, my gf of six months serenaded me, mariachi style and all. it was such a huge surprise I wasn't expecting it at all! she is so so romantic lol. really put me in a good mood. the funny thing is, a friend of us took pictures and I am quite happy that I don't look too big on em, lol!


I went to bed at 2 am, I got up at 9 to go to the gym. I had the hugest smile on my face! even though my trainer is pretty tough and I did 30 min of walking-jogging intervals and 20 min of abdominal work and boxing, I was smiling still.
I have so much energy left that I decided to cook!


I cooked some crimini mushrooms with panela cheese and onions, lentils with tomato, chipotle and onions and zuchinni, with olive oil.
can you say YUM? I am excited that even they are mostly all veggies (except for the lentils and, of course the mushrooms that are technically a fungus but heh.) I am still excited about eating them and it smells so delish! I am waiting for my girl to arrive so we can eat together

After that I will get ready for work, to which I am only bringing an apple and lemonade with splenda.

my trainer said I could have a cheat day, but I told him I don't feel ready for one. instead I told him that I would love to have a beer or two tomorrow at a party. I think that is the best way to add some calories with friends! instead of eating junk. I will have ''light'' beer which has around half the calories of a regular beer, tho. I don't want to go all the way :D

ah yay! I do hope I'll stay happy like this. I am not even craving junk food because I feel so stable and at peace with my life that I don't need excuses to eat what I shouldn't be eating. could it be.. that I am finally finding a balance? it sure feels like it.

what have you guys planned for the weekend?
xoxo!
 
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awww everyone should be serenaded now and again!! How romantic!!

Sounds like things are going great re the diet and exercise...you should start to see real results soon - I think that it always takes the body a while to kick in when you start a new lifestyle!

I don't do cheat days - if I think of them as "cheat" then all hell breaks lose and I have more and more and more - its just not the right mentality for me. What I will do though is if once in a while I am going out or would really like to eat something particular, I won't say NO, I'll enjoy myself, have a bit of what I want, yep probably go overboard but nothing like I would have done before. You know? So ok, I'll go out for a chinese meal and have a bit of all my favourite stuff and probably eat like 2000 calories but previously I would have gobbled up probably like 3000-4000 so something mad just becuase it was there and I was drinking coke too and stuff... Now I have enough to have a treat and know I've been a bit naughty but not enough to derail me into the "oh sod it I've eaten this much I might as well go crazy".
 
I'm glad you're feeling really positive lets hope that it keeps up! :) I am really happy as well at the mo do you think its because we have "taken control" of those impulsive habits? Thats the best part for me, I have the willpower to say NO. And congratulations on the yummeh cooking. I'm sucha slacker compared lol!
hehe jjjay that is really cool the whole "treat" thing. That is such a good outlook on how to perceive our more "relaxed" moments. Weekend plans: nothing. Being unemployed for me has resulted in the word "weekend" meaning nothing to me as all 7days ARE a weekend hehe. I hope you have a real good time at the party! ^^
 
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hehe thanks girls you are the best!


jjay I know ! that is what I am fearing. I will have a couple of beers today though, but that's about it.
Rouge, I believe we are definitely in the path of self control. it takes time but it feels awesome saying NO, indeed. yesterday I could have drank beer but I had a diet soda instead so I could drink today. yay!

thanks you for being around :D
 


yesterday was an overall a good Friday.

I got out of work at 10 pm (not much work to do) and I went to a club with my girlfriend, a colleague from work named klara and her girlfriend. so it was a cute double date.


I still feel self conscious about my body. klara lost weight and she was telling me how ''bad'' her legs looked in a dress she borrowed from me, while I knew that my legs are two times bigger than hers and look less ''good'' on the dress. so it was kind of frustrating, my legs are a huge issue because I carry a lot of my weight on my hips, butt and legs. I have saddlebags and cellulite so I haven't seen a swimsuit in YEARS. I am afraid of even considering wearing one.. and I am from the Caribbean. I know, that is quite ironic.

well anyway, at the club they drank a lot of beer, I had diet soda. I want to have beer too but I rather drink today because I have a party and it will be awesome!

it was kind of an emotional night though and by the end I was having a whole grain sandwich with a low fat sausage and low fat cream cheese at 4 am! but I think it is ok because I didn't eat anything since lunch, just an apple at 9 pm. Also I could have eaten cookies, ice cream or whatever I used to eat when I was feeling emotional but I handled it quite well I believe. hopefully the episodes of ''I need to eat!'' will be less and less severe.

still today I am eating a little bit more sensitive because of the beer I am drinking at night, so just a light meal for me.

Also I have to tell you, my arms are SO sore from yesterday's exercise. we did some boxing and wow, I am built for love, not war, that's for sure. after 10 min of kicking and hitting I couldn't move anymore! my trainer also trains boxers so he is trying to help me improve my self defense skills. I believe that is a huge plus in a city so violent like Monterrey.. where there's more and more issues every day.


today I feel like shopping!.. well not a lot, because I am confident that I will lose weight. so I just want a blouse or a dress for today's party. I've been working hard so I think I deserve it :D

I dream with the day I have to give most of my clothes away because they don't fit, especially the bottom parts. but I know that takes time and I have to stay focused

while I am typing this my painfully needy cat is on top of me, purring and rubbing himself against my chin. haha random note.

well that's it for now!
I'll let you know how things go on my first weekend on my new lifestyle and if I don't go overboard with the calorie-packed beer. I know I won't

xoxo and have a great time!
 
Yeah I can relate to the friend thing. It's especially hard to swallow their self critism when I am twice the size with saggy fat knee caps lol! I can deal with my legs, but my arms and belly are my no no. I have ALWAYS had FAT arms even at my "skinniest". I love winter coz I have an excuse to cover up and dont sweat as much, how sad is that lol?
Congrats on the willpower to save your treat til tonight, which you are probably rocking as I type :p Oh and gratz on bypassing the cookeh's on your way to satiate a ravenous stomach! chow for nao!
 
One thing I've learnt though, is no matter what your size, you tend to have a hangup about one bit or another!! A friend of mine at work has a sizable waist and chunky legs...but still wears dresses and looks great because she just has this confidence about her. I can't bring myself to do it! Seriously, I am taller and now my waist and legs are looking better than I can remember for a long long time, but dresses still ellude me!! Unless they are evening gowns that swish along the floor!

As for swimming costumes, I wore a tankini on holiday this year and showed my belly in public for the first time in years....certainly for the first time since having my daughter...and you know what, I felt fine! Next year I might even try for something half way between a tankini and bikini! Sometimes I think you have to examine your hang ups and think is this a logical "yes I am too chubby for that" thing or is it an emotional response that you got to try and get over.

Good going on the diet soda at the club - I guess you can always toss a bit of vodka or something in there if you don't want to miss out on having all the fun with your double daters! I went to a wedding do last night and whilst I did treat myself (arrived too late for main course so had no-doubt a very high calorie pudding...and a couple of crackers with cheese...and 3 glasses of wine), I also danced half the night away and had spent the day rigging sailing boats, hauling them in and out of the water and sailing them! So its all cals in cals out in my book!!

Giving my clothes away has been the hardest and also the most enjoyable bit of losing 50lbs so far...its so hard to part with the "old favourites" which I relied on would make me look the best I could look at that weight...I mean, what IF I NEED THEM AGAIN?!? But then I steel myself and say NO you will never ever never ever need them again and get great satisfaction from packing a big bag full and taking it down the charity shop.
 
hey Rouge, thank you for your input!
yeah it is hard.. totally get you. I don't like my arms either, they are not as big as my thighs lol but still. I am very, very self conscious about my legs having cellulite and being really big and that's why I've never worn a bikini in my life.
the party was great! I had one and a half light beers so, yes. I managed not to pig out on the chips! and no cookies for me still.


jjjay,

I think you are absolutely right!
I love to wear dresses and sometimes I do feel self conscious about my arms or thighs.. but I see other girls that are bigger and rock similar outfits and figure out it has a lot to do with confidence and self esteem, things I am constantly working on!
and congrats on the tankini! wow that is something that has always been outside my understanding. would love to get to wear one eventually though, so I am working hard on it.

social events are aaalways so hard because we tend to let go a bit. but come on after 50 pounds you deserve some pudding girl! also, I totally understand how you feel about the clothes. my girlfriend dropped like 30 pounds and she is gaining it all back, so she is really frustrated that she gave her clothes away and now she is needing them again. but I know that if you keep up being awesome and eating right-exercising, all that weight will stay off. also she lost the weight quickly and because she was depressed so, not the best way to lose it. I know this is a journey



thanks to the both of you, you girls rock my socks off!
 

It's been a weird week already.



The weekend was ok, the party was nice and I am happy to inform you guys that I was able to drink one and a half light beers only, not even two full cans. I did have a little candy but it was hardly a mouthful so I didn't feel bad. also I walked a lot Saturday, went grocery shopping with my girl and we went to the local contemporary museum as well to watch Anette Messeger's exhibition.
I liked the contrast of innocence and perversion that she portraits in her work.

the downfall is that my roommate told me on Friday that he was leaving me to live with his cousin to not pay rent. He lived here for two months only! and I need the money so it was equally disappointing and hard on my wallet.

Also my personal trainer decided to leave the gym and now I am left roomieless AND trainerless. (I know, those words don't exist) A week ago I was thinking how when everything seems to be going great in your life (love, work, diet, exercise) something has to go wrong, but I didn't expect two things to fall apart this quickly. But now I am getting quickly back on my feet and I was afraid to succumbing to ''prohibited'' food the way I always do when depressed...

Today while I was at a book store after my work out I saw a milky way. extra caramel. He gently stared me in the eye and called my name: ''Diaaana.. you know you want to feel my deliciously silky chocolate in your mouth'' I trembled a little. I could feel a droplet of sweat going down my forehead... and I said: ''NO milky way. I don't want your 400 calories of almost pure fat, saturated fat and sugar.'' I think I said it a little bit too loud because the woman at the counter stared at me in a funny way... oh well.

Instead I walked to a little grocery shop in the corner that has ''american products'' I love all the 100 calorie snacks you guys have there and this place sells them (at inflated prices, of course. pff oh well)
So what was my surprise when I found.... Nabisco's 100 calorie milk chocolate pretzels! so exciting. I had a bag today and it was so darn delicious, and at only 100 calories and little fat I didn't feel guilty at all.

so my food intake for the day looks like this:


breakfast: smart start cereal (small cup) with skim milk with added fiber.
lunch: mix salad with chicken breast and panela cheese with olive oil and lemon juice
dessert: a pack of 100 calorie milk chocolate pretzels
snack: a banana
dinner: small bowl of fruit salad (mango,papaya, watermelon, pineapple)

Exercise: 20 min on the treadmill (4 min jogging)
20 min of aerobics
20 min on the circuit (arms, legs)
20 abdominals

pretty neat huh? I added them to my calorie counter but unfortunately they are only estimates as I don't have a scale to weight the food, but I am hoping I am not going over the 1500 mark. hopefully portion control will do the trick.


I am also staring to feel full with lesser food. I've always felt fuller with less, but something in my brain pushed me to keep eating until the food was gone, which is terrible! now I know I can have a little bit if I feel like it, but I don't have to eat the whole bag.

for instance, on Sunday we bought ice cream, they call it ''garrafa ice cream'' and guys on bicycles sell them on the street (I know, mexico, right?) artisan's ice cream you could say. And instead of having vanilla which smelled delicious I had mango, which I knew being water-based had less calories and it included fruit. Also I couldn't finish my portion so I gave most of it away!

I am slowly starting to understand that these changes are not a simple ''diet'' but a way of living. sure, for now I am being a bit more strict when it comes to certain things I love because I do want to lose weight, but I know that when I make it, I'll be able to make smarter choices.

Thank you guys for reading me!
hope you have a great day :D






 
Hey your doing great! I'd like to make a suggestion to you. I'm not sure if you have ever used fitday.com but I suggest tracking maybe a day or two of your typical eats in a day. I don't want to offend you in any way but it looks like your not eating enough. If I just quickly add up the calories in my head it looks like you might only be getting 800-1000 calories (i don't know your portion sizes so I don't know how accurate I am). I stongly suggest upping to maybe 1400 calories. Thats a nice safe number. If you eat too little it will bite you in the ass one day I am sure.

I know what working with a trainer is like. I did six weeks of bootcamp with a personal trainer and got my ass beat every day. It never got easier.

Keep up the awesome work. Your doing great!!
 
Hey Diana,

I have loved reading your diary! Your writing makes me laugh and you seem to be doing so well! So really well done!

I'm similar to you - emotional eater and all that! Also add boredom to that - I am such a boredom-eater!! I get bored and it's like .. 'hmmm, what can I make myself to eat?', or I'm bored in a lecture and I'm thinking 'what shall I cook for dinner?' ... actually writing it down makes me feel somewhat ashamed haha! But it's nice to see you doing so well because it gives me hope!!

I hope you're having another good day today! Great going :)
 
adeon
Hey there :)
yes I've used fitday and calorie count etc. but I can't work the whole calorie thing just right. but I did feel I might not be having the calories I need so I added eggs with ham and a whole grain slice of bread tonight instead of fruit. Also I had an extra snack, so everything's ok. I eat when I am hungry so I am not starving or anything! I promise.

I miss my trainer... he left. but I will continue to exercise as hard as I am able to!
thanks for reading


Sare502

Aw thank you! I am glad you've enjoyed it. Humor is definitely the best remedy when it comes to managing a diet-exercise, I believe.
I can totally relate to the boredom binging. gah, it is so awful that I rely on food for almost everything because I know I am not hungry BUT I still eat. I am working hard on that, especially now that I am feeling stress and craving ice cream so badly!
but we are trying aren't we? -eye twitch-

a big big hug!
 
Gosh what a stressful day it was!

I am feeling ok, but my back hurts. Every time something gets tough my back stiffens up like a 3-day dead body (I know, very macabre comparison, has to do a lot with today's mood.)

I guess I am still mourning the sudden departure of both the roommate and the trainer. But I know I can still make it work so tomorrow I'll start looking for a new mate and I'll continue to do my exercises as good as I can with little cheating. -evil grin-

I went to work, it is a part time job only. I work for balfour, a company that makes graduation rings (I live in Mexico. you so knew most call centers are not there. we shamelessly lie to you) I transfer the ring scans (the orders they file at school) to a computer. You wouldn't believe most of these kids are finishing high school based on how poorly they write! sometimes I find myself literally deciphering the orders. Is that an R or a P? .. a C? REALLY? ok!
Also, just as a side note, some of those rings are painfully tacky. just sayin'


But what made my work day different is the fact that in the middle of one of the orders my supervisor asked me to go downstairs. Little did I know that a cake the size of a small country was waiting for me and my coworkers. I gasped in horror and begged for God to take me in my sleep.

Not only was the cake freakishly big, it was chocolate fudge. The cake smelled like the Greek gods, bless his little saturated fat heart.

Then came the moment of truth: they started cutting the cake and slices of heavenly sugar became available to everyone in the room. I hesitated for a split of a second and when my respective slice came to me I said: NO, thanks.

coworkers:aw party pooper!
me: heh, I am trying to eat healthier
coworkers: come on just a small slice!
me: Nope. it always starts with a small slice.
Coworkers: it is delicious!
me: I KNOW. but no thanks

Why do people feel the need to emphasize on the fact that the cake is absolutely awesome? I already know that. I am fighting over the urge to dip my head into its never ending chocolate-ness. in the words of Jack Nicholson in the movie as good as it gets: I am drowning here! and you are describing the water!

gosh this job is getting me in trouble. They use every excuse they find to feed us poorly: you work hard? yay, pizza party!.. cakes! donuts!
nothing tells your employees that you care about them like refined sugars, carbohydrates and trans fat.
and I am not falling for it anymore. I know I have what it takes to resist the constant invitations to sin and I believe today was a good start.

on another note, I am not sure if I went overboard with my calories today. I am still struggling to figure it out. Instead of the fruit I was having, I had eggs with ham, whole grain bread and I am currently having a coffee with a 90 calorie snack. I think in the end it was over 1500 but hopefully tomorrow I can balance it by eating less snacks. heh! well after I had that terrifying encounter with Mr. big cake just had to come back and have something sweet.. without most of the guilt.


have you guys ever find yourselves trapped in a social situation where you are almost forced to eat?


well that's it for today guys! I am going to work a little on my thesis and then going to bed

xoxo all!

Di









 
Yes, we are trying! Well, you are definitely trying and succeeding! You're doing great! I am only just beginning .. but, positive thinking and all that so, yes we are both definitely trying! Haha.

I totally know what you mean about social situations being a KILLER for trying to eat well! A few years back I lost quite a lot of weight (nearly 3 stone, so that's ummm 42lbs I think!) and I felt and looked great (I had a lot less to lose then) ... but then I started working in an old English pub ... and whenever I had a long shift (which was about 4 days out of 7!) or the chef cooked too many chips or whatever (which happened about 7 days out of 7!), the restaurant manager would come around to my bar, bowl full of chips, sometimes with cheese on ... and it was just a killer. It tied in with the whole boredom thing - even if I was like no, I'm not going to eat them, I'd be bored out of my mind about 5 minutes later and just find myself picking at them. KILL.ER.!! The weight piled back on and now I have about double the amount to lose! And then of course Uni started and that's pretty much 3 straight years of such social situations that require you to eat, right? If I wasn't drunk and eating crap at the end of the night, then I was hungover and trying to make myself feel better by eating greasy food.

Oh well, I have finished uni now and not working at a pub so I have no excuses! Haha I will fight these social situations and all the tempting food they bring with it kicking and screaming if I have to.

Hope the thesis is going well! Big hugs right back to you.

P.S. What's a graduation ring?
 
OH! I remember Balfour! My class ordered their rings from them way back when. I was the only person in my class that didn't order one and got lots of grief about it. I was already married (I had ran off and eloped with a man 12 years older than me) and I thought at the time it was a lame waste of money, especially when I could put the money towards new furniture for our house.

Those social situations are tough, aren't they? Especially at work. If you don't partake of the offered treats you give the impression that you aren't a team player. I'm thankfull that my employer has started trying to bring in more healthy alternatives. Next week is employee recognition week and I was happy to see that on one of the days they are offering a choice between an ice cream bar or an apple! And one of the sponsored events this year is a 1 mile walk and if you participate you are eligible for all kinds of prizes to be drawn at the end. It's not much, but it's a start in the right direction!

Have a good day!
 
Sare502
Hey girl!

yes, social situations are soooo hard. btw congrats on the weight loss! the most I've ever lost is around 20 pounds which isn't much, but still, now I am wishing I didn't have it on me again!
unhealthy routines can do that to a body. I am a stress AND boredom eater.. and if you add the fact that I didn't do any form of exercise I am amazed I am not twice as big.
now that you are not in a pub anymore things would be easier indeed. good luck hun!

btw a gratuation ring is the ring you get when you graduate, lol. just as it sounds. It usually has the school name or activities, yeardate etc. check balfour's page and you'll see
xoxo!
 
Those social situations are a killer!! Especially when people try and sabotage you a bit - its not badly intentioned but they want you to join them in having a "treat". If they really press you and you find it hard to say no, just say your family has a history of diabetes and your doctor has asked you to monitor your sugar levels tightly! That should make it difficult for them to press you to eat that kind of stuff without actually lying about having a medical disorder.

As for the calories, as long as you are within 1200-1600, I wouldn't worry too much. I am becoming more and more convinced that the way to lose weight is to eat healthily, consistently over a long period of time i.e. not silly low amounts of calories and not regular amounts of junk AND do a decent amount of exercise regularly. Obviously not a medical opinion, just what's working for me. I don't look back and think "gosh I wish I'd eat 100 less calories a day"...some days..sure!! but its more a case of "I wish I hadnt' had that chocolate bar" - if I'd had the same cals of strawberries I wouldn't regret it.
 

today my back hurts like a bad joke.
all the stress stays there, on one side, killing me and making work not only tedious BUT painful, thank you very much. I got up at 9 and I didn't go to the gym to work on my thesis, I hate not doing any exercise on the day but I do hope I'll manage my time a little better.
my house is a MESS I have to clean up and wash my clothes.. gosh sometimes I miss living at home where there's always warm food, clean clothes and a clean house.. sigh. but oh well
anyway I am here still working on my thesis as I have a presentation on monday, complaining about my back pain and craving junk food a lot. I recognize the pattern but sometimes it still wins.. today was one of those days and I am not happy about it.

it was a good day food wise: I had a bowl of cereal and fruit in the morning followed by chicken salad in the afternoon. Then the chaos began:

I had two snacks. I know I said I was going to have a more sensitive day but I ''couldn't help myself'' still, 100 cal. packs.

Then when I came from work, tired, stressed with my thesis work still on hold and a very messy house and virtually no money, I snapped and went running to my refrigerator. I found some ice cream buried in the back, caramel.
There was very little left but I still went for it like there was no tomorrow. It felt painfully sweet and immediately when I finished my stomach started aching. The binging process had begun...I wanted to stop, so badly.

Later tonight I had a couple of low fat sausages with lemon and chili. it just added to my already upset stomach. Now I am paying the consequences, feeling worse than before, and sad that I succumbed to food once again...

Now I am going to bed before I feel the urge to eat again. tough.. tough day

but I know tomorrow will be a new day and I am not letting myself down. I know this is a long run and there will be ups and downs so I don't expect every day to be perfect. I did miss today's exercise and tomorrow I have both school and work so I won't be able to go until friday. hopefully my back will be better by then as well..

oh well, hope you guys had a better day than mine!
and wish you the best tomorrow

D.
 
Ha, wow so it's actually a ring! That's cool. We don't get anything like that over here.

Thanks for the congrats, though I don't feel it's deserved now! Too much has been put back on. Keep going with yours and you'll have that 20lbs off no problem.

Hope your back is a bit better today and school/work is going alright! Also, I totally know how a messy house can impact on your day - when I was at uni and I had a big paper due in, I could never work until everything was spotless. And I personally feel that if your 'bad day' consisted of having a little bit of ice cream and 2 low fat sausages then you're good days must be bloody fantastic! So I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about that =)

Onwards and upwards! (I feel like I've just said a Star Wars quote ...)
 
Hey there Diana Just wanted to tell you not to worry about the bad eats day. This week I had one day where I went to the bar and one like beer turnedd into 7 beers and a shot of tequilla. Then I went home and binge ate just before bed. And I ate ALOT! The next day all hung over I couldnt fight the urge for wings.... so don;t worry it happens to everyone. As long as you get right back into your good habits everything should work out nicely. :sifone:
 
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