It's funny how
defense mechanisms work either "for or against" some of us. After seeing one of my previous posts up there....I see how "AGAINST" me this weight defense mechanism is working. I yo yo on and on and on forever it seems....

I am working on that,...but
still....once and for all....I am ready for change to finally become me!!! FOR GOOD!!! FOREVER!!!
...I'm not sure if that's kinda why I feel bummed today, or just one of those passing moments that I kind of feel lonely....not sure. All in all ....I'm happy just mellow today.
...I've been thinking lately of
"How can I serve others?" ...still contemplating....I think I have come up with an idea that I can give everyone I meet something. Whether we talk or not. Going to make it happen and get the
"Laws of Receiving and Giving going in my life constantly!"Soon...I want to challenge myself to give
29 gifts in 29 days to Random people to change my life and perspective and to give me the awareness of giving back into me!

!! It's gonna be great! Based it off this book...
I've read 2 books this week so far and I'm loving it, more consistency and FINISHING the things I start!!!

!! AMEN to that!!!
Last night I was
Super Inspired by the show the Biggest Loser!!! I can't beleive the things they do and how fast they do them!! Super Amazing!! I'm gonna whip out her videos at least 3-4 times a week now, if not everyday like I wish! 3-4 is reasonable though

!
Also, I was kinda bummed yesterday that I got home, my bf had throw away these dead flower
INCLUDING MY VASE & MY 5 year Anniversary note that he had wrote me. It did bum me out,...thinking like
"Does he not care?! Why does he throw my things out without asking me first?! I don't poop out money and he just throws the vase away like nothing." 
....He did try to go find it later but it was gone, along with my note.
....I felt sad as well, because we've both been studying a lot lately on our own, and that makes us happy but as well, less time to talk.
Growing Pains I guess. It's hard to get back into the swing of it all.
....I felt much better right after I got home, by putting on my running shoes (even though it was pitch black outside) and went for a HUGE hill run to the Hollywood sign 4.5 miles. I stopped at the top lookout and stretched and gave appreciation, that though, he threw my things out....
"I am not defined by things. Though I think they bring me happiness, the real happiness is from the giving to myself from within. My happiness is within and no one can touch that. A vase will not break or make me. I am happy. I as well have no reminder of my 5 years with him (anniversary day I mean), but I do have him. That's what counts."
....These thoughts helped, and I felt better and Liberated on my run!

!!!
....I came home and did
30 mins of Yoga to center my thoughts and went onto study afterwards. And went to bed kinda early at 12:00 am. Went to cuddle the bf, and felt a little resistance, so I backed off, and turned over...and he cuddled me instead. I guess he felt kinda bad or something when I told him..."It's okay, we don't have to cuddle, and I turned over." (we usually cuddle,...I was kinda bummed again) Then ...after he cuddled me, and held me as I just laid there still cuddled the opposite way for a little bit, I felt a little sadness, lack of contact I presume, and touch, lack of his desire...buttttt....he then shortly after proceeded to
CUDDLE ME (if you know what I mean)!! hahahah
!!! YES, THAT HELPED!!! hahahah!!! Felt much better and loved after that.
.....
Sometimes, you just have to back off in life,...and let people be. We all run in cycles, it's just about differenciating who is going through what cycle and when and how it falls into line or out of line with yours. No biggie, but it is if you don't comprehend it.

(especially if you eat when you feel you need love)