......sorry....so long......lol
ALRIGHT!!! HERE we GO....
WEEKEND: THURS, FRIDAY...worked it OUT, SAT, day off.....SUN,..HOPE to be back at it AGAIN today!
SO FRIDAY:
I asked MY BF to go with me in the morning SHOPPING for some NEW shoes...which I have BEEN hunting for a "FEEL GOOD about myself PRESENT" and since CLOTHES isn't something I REALLY feel GOOD about,.... because I HATE my size! Why am I gonna BUY something that I WANT TO CHANGE, and IF I buy motivational CLOTHING as I usually DO, thats GREAT & ALL

......BUT I CAN"T wear it NOW and FEEL good NOW........and BUYING it my size IS ACTUALLY allowing myself TO STAY at this SIZE.....so SHOES never change size for ME......on the hunt!!!.....
SO off we WENT, and I went to a couple places and THEN FINALLY, I walked into MARSHALS and we BOTH ventured off into different directions, and I EVEN bothered to try on a COUPLE pairs of nice jeans I saw, and OF COURSE, my ASS GOT WIDER.....

or the "JEANS ALL SHRUNK"...which I DON"T think HAPPENED

soooooo.....MORE REALITY to face......!!!!
AT the end of story...a MILLION people were IN LINE and I still wanted to SEARCH around, and SINCE I ALWAYS do things for MY BF, like STAND IN LINE, for him,.....I figured HE COULD return the FAVOR for me while I STAND in line to PAY for the SHOES I found that I liked, that WERE not what I WANTED but JUST SOMETHING new, SOMETHING "IMMEDIATE" to make ME FEEL GOOD......BUT he was BEING "ANNOYING" and telling me THAT "NO we should BOTH stand IN LINE, and BLAH BLAH, and COME on YOU already SEARCHED the whole STORE...."....(not KNOWING that YEAH, I did...and I DON"T fit in CLOTHES any SIZES that I WANT either....SO THEREEEEE

...in my head OF COURSE!!!)

BUT anyway I GOT mad and DECIDED...fine LETS JUST LEAVE the damn SHOES...and I DIDN"T want to stand IN LINE anymore!
...STILL nothing NEW...nothing TO MAKE me feel GOOD, or PRETTY, or anything....and TOM IS STILL HERE....

so I DECIDED to get away FROM HIM.....and TOLD him if he wanted to GO, just GO to HIS friends, whom we HAVEN"T seen for like 2 years.....BBQ----honestly I didn't care, and was ANNOYED.....(not to mention the SERVICE of my car, needed to be done this PAST week as well, and WHEN I ASKED him to SWITCH his BEAUTIFUL BRAND NEW...BMW 650i with CRISP new RIMS....UGGHGHh....he "GROANED" and was LIKE ohhhh....TOMORROW...ugghhh...!!!
...SO yeah...it may have been JUST me...but WHY IS IT that I ALWAYS can do things FOR HIM, without MOANING and GROANING, but when it COMES to me ....BLAH...BULLSHIT...anyway....so THAT is ALSO what CONTRIBUTED to me WANTING to leave the SHOES behind.....LIKE UGHHHH....whenever IT IS FOR ME.....then there is an ISSUE (when REALLY this is just this PAST WEEK)!
...damn TOM.....

soooo
I took a LONG RUN/HIKE at MULHOLLAND's HUGE HILLS it was HOT and EMPTY, beautiful, and I WORKED hard, ITS getting easier EVERYTIME!!!!
IT was REALLY sad, but I actually am EMBARRASSED to SAY as I RAN down the HILL....I could ACTUALLY list a MILLION & ONE reasons WHY alcohol HAS IN THE past and PRESENT hindered me from ACHIEVING a LOT OF THINGS that I set OUT TO DO...and I was SAD...now thinking BACK...I think I was JUST LOOKING for SOMETHING to attribute my IMMEDIATE sadness TO and ALCOHOL was JUST something I REALIZE that I use as an EXCUSE to LEAVE everything, FOR A MINUTE, and JUST be HAPPY without "OVER ANALYZING".....shit ALL THE time.....I think THAT is ANOTHER reason WHY I enjoy DRINKS....because it ALLOWS me to just think about the MORE TRIVIAL crap in LIFE.....
....THEN we went on to HAVE THE MOST BORING time of MY LIFE at his FRIENDS house, WHO WE HAVEN"T seen in the PAST 2 years...
....2 seconds into getting THERE...I WAS bored out of my MIND, these PEOPLE had changed and I GET IT....married, got a kid now, and THE WORKS, butttt WHAT THE HELL happened to THEIR gadddamn MANNERS along the WAY....??!
...they DIDN"T bother to get up, greet anyone, LUCKILY I AM OUTGOING and I DO THAT for MYSELF,....still....didn't INTRODUCE anyone,.....pretended like we have BEEN there for the past 2 years.....didn't MAKE and effort to talk to US at ALL, I LITERALLY begggggged TO LEAVE,.....which is SO NOT LIKE ME!

ANYWAY, to top it all off IT WAS LIKE the MOST boring KING OF THE HILL moment I have ever HAD IN MY LIFE...and NOT because of THE KING OF THE HILL moment, but because OF THE FACT these PEOPLE were BEING SO UNMANNERED to their GUESTS, us INCLUDED, had NO SENSE of fun, didn't allow for the MUSIC to be LOUDER than ELEVATOR music, with tons of people there,....at POINTS.....KID you NOT....there were MOMENTS of HUGE silence among all 15-20 people...LIKE what IS THIS!!?!!?! AM I at a BBQ or a MORGUE?!?! WELL
....to top it ALL of the CLICKS among the FEW girls were ANNOYING me on top....being that THE ONLY GIRLS there were ALL 80-90lbs at MY HEIGHT, 5'2, with HUGE FAKE BOOBS, and HAD the BRAINS of a "LAYS POTATO CHIP"....not to mention they LOOKED like they were 12 years OLD.....THAT wasn't HELPING either....and I WAS so happy that AT LEAAAAAST I got in my RUN!!!
....BORING weekend CONTINUES....finally I had FUN yesterday...a couple GIRL friends COME OVER and MEET me at my HOUSE...and ALL WE COULD do was LAUGH and LAUGH

definitely what I NEEDED.....when THEY LEFT...I go into the ROOM, and SEE....that THE BAGS that MY BF had walked in with while we WERE all CHOPPING it UP with A COCTAIL and MUSIC.......were FOR ME..............HE actually WENT OUT.....(PROBABLY cause HE FELT LIKE A JERK, cause I TOLD HIM..YUP, but if SOMETHING is FOR YOU..then the STORY IS GOOD RIGHT...LOL)....and BOUGHT me a CUTEEEEE PAIR of "COACH" little BLACK shoes that LOOK like PUMAS that I HAVE always WANTED!!!
...I was SOOOOO HAPPY....he didn't have to DO that...and IT ALWAYS perplexes me WHY either HE THINKS that HE HAS TO "BUY" his fuckups ...LOL...with EXPENSIVE gifts...THAT I WOULDN"T buy FOR MYSELF.....I just DON"T hahaha........OR that HE JUST LOOOOVES expensive STUFF....either WAY.....I WAS SOOOOO GRATEFUL!!!
...TODAY he is OFF at the LAKE with the BORING GUYS.....hahaha...just THE GUYS on their BOAT.....I TOLD, "I hope he HAS A GREAT time, and AT THE VERY least those BORING PEOPLE, will DO HIM good for the EGO, cause HE WILL FEEL like a STAND UP COMEDIAN around their BLAND personalities....LOL.....HE NEEDS that!!!!"....and IN MY HEAD....I was THANKFUL that HE DIDN"T want me to GO....because I WILL ALWAYS make an EXCUSE from NOW on to NEVER GO around them.....AGAIN!!!
...I've HAD more FUN, cleaning THE HOUSE....LOL.....
ALSO....kinda BUMMED that I SAW no RESULTS and WORKED HARD all WEEK...! BOOOO me.....this SUCKS....but HEY....MY strength and RESISTANCE is getting BETTER...so KEEP going