Cate's Diary

My parents have gone through some of this with me, and sometimes I feel guilty about it still even though most of it was 10 years ago or more. Still, they seem to be happier than just about anyone else when I come see them these days and they marvel at how much weight I've lost.

This is to say, I'm certain your son deeply appreciates all the love and support you give him.

Anyhow, thanks for the offer to stay if I ever make it to Tasmania. That'd be a hell of a trip. Much more interesting than . Though something suggests to me there's probably some similarities between the two.
 
]Justina-Thank you sweetie. Hopefully I will learn to cope better as our YS learns to cope better. Appreciated the hugs xo

Q-Our son does need the love & support of his family, but I need to learn some strategies so that I don't soak up all of his stress & make myself sick. "The bit about solving your own problems is solid life advice. He's lucky to have you Cate." I have a tendency to want to try & fix the world & I must stop. I can't fix everything & I shouldn't try. It is so hard though!
"Your son sounds like a great guy too. I can't imagine my older sibling being that considerate or supportive towards me." Our OS is a great guy & is also very honest & will say what he wants to say, so can be very forthright. I can't do the "tough love' thing even if I try. He also filters communications for us, which is good. He & his brother are as different as chalk & cheese, but are incredibly close. Our YS would do well to stay & have the support of all of us, but ultimately it is up to him. Our YS is lovely. He has great values, is compassionate & caring & thoroughly lovable. It hurts me to see him have such self-doubt!
I feel like telling him to see a psych, but it wouldn't sound good, coming from his Mum. (would it?) I can't be his counsellor- it literally leaves me shaking & really gets me down. I think he needs to see one though so he can really talk about what troubles him & get help, preferably without medication.
You made me laugh Q about the older sibling comment. It is almost impossible for me to imagine my older brother being thoughtful towards me at all! Thanks for your support Q. I really do value it xo Cate

Mr Vee-There are NO similarities between where I live & Witch Well, Arizona, but you did make me laugh, which was good! Start planning your trip as I mean what I say! It sucks about the withdrawal of your job offer, but don't give up hope that another one will not come your way.( I wasn't up to saying anything yesterday about it, or indeed anything much at all). If someone thought enough of your abilities to consider offering you, what you thought was your dream job, then you have the credentials & the possibility for another. Just saying....
This is what our "local" looks like btw cheeky-
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You made me feel a bit better V, but also made me re-think how I deal with our son's problems. I don't want him to look back & feel guilty about sharing them with us & I also think it is important to not bottle them up. Hopefully he will get mentally stronger & better able to deal with them himself.
I had better get moving. We are going into town earlier now as our YS now knows we're coming in. Luckily our OS found out he a break from 3-7pm, which was when we were going to be sitting down in the restaurant, showing him our support- WITH HIM NOT THERE! That would not have been good- LOL.
Thanks for your support & friendship folks. I appreciate it heaps, as you get to hear how I feel, more than anyone else does (with the possible exception of my husband.) My diary is where I really share my feelings. Thank you for being my psych!
Today is a beautiful looking day, after the last couple of days of wild storms. The sun is shining (which helps) & it's our younger son's 31st birthday! Whoah! My 'baby' is 31!!! lol
xoxo Cate
 
My diary=My therapy(& is much cheaper!)-

I think our YS will be going back to Canada in the new year. We met up with him yesterday & he & I went for a walk to look at mobile phones. He asked me how I would feel about him moving to Canada, but coming back home once a year for a few weeks. I told him that we would cope, so long as he was happy. I also said that parents the world over have to learn to cope so we would too. We spoke at length about communicating more often & that we would all have to be better at it. I did not say that even when he lived in Hobart we rarely saw him or spoke to him. He used to regularly miss my birthday. We ALL have to be much better at being in touch. I think I avoid ringing him as I take on any unhappiness he is going through. I tune out too! Out of sight, out of mind is not a good attitude.

I know that he has a great life over there & that he gets in a rut here. I did not tell him that when he is here we feel miserable, because he is so miserable & unsettled. I mainly said that so long as he is happy, then we will be right. I know that he really misses us & his brother, but there isn't a lot we can do about that. We will plan on going over to Canada year after next I think.

I think he has made up his mind to at least go back after Christmas & work until next July, when his work visa will run out. He will never be able to apply for another one, or be able to work in Canada, unless he can get sponsorship before this visa runs out. My niece & her husband own a restaurant in BC & they have discussed sponsoring him for permanent residence.This restaurant has become his yardstick for how a restaurant should be run & he wants to do an apprenticeship as a chef there. He is passionate & enthusiastic about the way they do everything. He can't have a job that is just ok. He is an all or nothing person. Hmmm...sounds familiar!

He sounded much more positive yesterday & I think that if he decides that this is what he really wants to do, then I will be happy for him. We will have to find ways of getting around the homesickness. My older sister moved to the US & lived there from 1985 to her death in 2005 & never stopped feeling really homesick. My Mum went over there 9 times, well into her 70's!

I feel much better today & will get back into getting fitter & losing some more weight. I felt like I have been derailed mentally. I was starting to wonder if I took myself off the AD's a little bit early, but I am glad I did still. I have shed many a tear this week & may again I think in the next few weeks until he goes. I know that he will really miss his brother & the kids & they will not be able to go over to Canada to see him. Our OS will struggle to pay out his wife & I can't imagine him ever being able to afford to go over there. It's only times like this that I wish we had lots more money. I would give most of it away!

It's a lovely day today & I must go shopping. Everything feels like it's been on hold. We are out of avocadoes & that's serious!

Time to get moving. Mothers to visit, library book overdue, shopping to be done..... more house cleaning when I get home. De-cluttering is great therapy!
xoxoCate

PS I don't think I have gained any weight as I have not turned to food even when
I have been really stressed. This is really good to note as I used to always turn to crap food as my "panacea for pain." No longer! This is a major breakthrough. I am not risking shattering this illusion though by getting on the scales just yet. A few days of even better eating & less wine & then I will, I promise myself.
 
Had a positive message from our YS (checking that I'm OK mostly) & a good night's sleep. I think now he has made a decision he will be OK (& so will we). He is working through until the 8th of Dec & is going to earn as much as he can in that time.

I have been eating lots of fish, veggies & fruit mostly(but still having 2 glasses of wine at the end of the day) & am feeling fairly good because of it. I feel quite calm today. My house is getting very clean too!
Love to all, xoxo Cate
 
I am housecleaning as well. After I get everything in tip top shape, I'm hiring a maid to come in here and clean every two weeks.
 
Hi Cate, glad to hear things are falling into place.
Hope YS finds his happiness.

I too will be decluttering tomorrow....not that we have much to get rid of.
Take care sweet Cate, love and hugs R.
 
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Decluttering is really good for you & living in a clean & tidy environment is really good for your state of mind. If that means getting someone in to keep it that way, or doing it yourself, it doesn't really matter. Eating rubbish makes you feel like rubbish. Being surrounded by clutter & rubbish has a similar effect. Spring cleaning is also good exercise. Tomorrow (if it doesn't rain) I am gardening. If it rains I will do more Spring cleaning. I love giving stuff away & rarely look for something I have given away.
Had a really productive & sociable day today. I did the bar at the golf club for about 7 hours (without pay of course) while there was an 8-ball tournament & it was quite boring as it wasn't very busy. What I did do though was prepare for an engagement party that we are doing next Saturday for friends of ours. There may be 170 people & my husband & I are doing the bar, with the help of our YS, who is also their friend.

Weigh-in tomorrow. Hmmmm.....
xoxo Cate
 
Weigh-in this morning- not good! Almost back to where I was when we got back from Perth. Hmm *sigh* -back to work! I'm not typing my weight,because if you don't see it, it's not real, right? I can do this! I always do. I will always battle the bulge.

Spring cleaning is not enough. I need to get outside & exercise much more than I have been. Enough of the excuses! *sigh*
Feeling OK today. Had a really good night's sleep again but could go back to sleep now. It's 8.30am & I have had breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, done the dishes, done a load of washing & hung it out already. Not a bad start to my day, xoxo Cate
 
We all have those bad weigh ins, as I’ve heard countless times here the main thing is to not let it get you down. It certainly sounds like you’re not about to let that happen. Great attitude, and great morning! Starting the week with a fresh, clean slate. :)
 
Keep up the hard work and the scale will catch up. Sooo productive yesterday morning! I was still asleep by that time in the mroning here.
 
Thanks Mandy & Q! I did an amazing job yesterday. I decided to start tidying up the vegetable garden, but detoured off & rearranged/ tidied up the decking, the shed, the entrance to our home.....I was absolutely knackered (I know it's a physical impossibility) by the time my husband got home from work at 4pm. I ache from head to toe & it feels wonderful. I have skin hanging off me here & there, but it is so worth it. Now I need our OS to come up with his trailer so I can take a heap of stuff to the rubbish tip.
In the middle of all that(while I was having lunch luckily) our YS text me quite a few times & I didn't offer any advice or offer him an easy out from this job he has taken on & committed to until the 8th of December. When he does come home I'm taking him up to the shed where all his stuff is in boxes on a table, ready to go through. It's time he decluttered his life too (& our home.) It's mostly old school stuff- goalie pads etc from soccer. Time to give it away. I find it gets me down having stuff everywhere & I am not a hoarder at all.
Time to move. I'm doing the bar at the golf club again today- it's Vet's day(over 55) & my LH runs the comp & plays. I'm planning to play tomorrow :blush5:
xoxo Cate
 
It's an overcast & horrible looking day &, guess what? I am actually going to golf. I won't even be able to escape as I'm getting my LH to drop me off in the morning & pick me up late afternoon :eek: Wish me luck.......
I was a bit teary yesterday. I won't have any alcohol today, nor will I talk about sons or mothers..... hopefully!
Bye for now, xo Cate
 
I played golf! YAY!!!!! I'm back, playing golf. Phew! I played some really good shots & not one REALLY bad one. I still had an embarrassing score (83 net), but I don't care. I ached & I huffed & puffed, but I did it. It feels so good to be back, being active. When anyone asked me how I was I said "I am not talking about sons or mothers" & I was fine! I can't change my personality & I will never stop being a caring person, but I am going to learn to protect myself more. Golf was FUN & also burns up about 1400 cals. NICE :D
Will be back tomorrow morning early as I am staying home again. Also nice!
Love to all xoxo Cate
 
Having a very industrious day! My LH went to work & I have been doing some more de-cluttering & Spring-cleaning. I pulled up well after golf & am feeling energetic & positive today. I have the house turned upside down so had better get back to it. I am just noticed that my laptop was on my chair! I had answered the phone & forgotten about it. I am doing about 10 things at once & have to cook veggies for dinner. I had better start finishing some of these jobs. Hmmm....it's 1.37 & my stomach is rumbling...LUNCH!
xo Cate
 
Hi Cate, so quiet in here lately. Must be Thanks giving :lurk5::beerchug::drool5:... so glad we don't have it before xmas one feast is enough.
Great to hear all is well with you.
R xxoo.
 
Hi MW, I'm glad we don't have Thanksgiving too. I'm pretty good on Christmas day now. I hate feeling over full & being gluten-free means that a lot of the sweets are out for me anyway-the temptation is far outweighed by the ill effects if I eat gluten. I loathe Christmas day with a vengeance. This year my LH & I are taking both mothers & our YS into Launceston for lunch with almost all my LH's family- 31 at last count! :( It's always bedlam & almost always there is tension of some sort. I will hand my MIL over to her daughters as I will have my hands full, looking after my Mum. I will have to take a bag, similar to one I had when my kids were littlies...yes, a nappy bag. I don't know how I'll go changing one on Mum- wish me luck!

I don't think I'll mention when I get down anymore, either in here, or anywhere else. I had told a couple of the women golfers, who knew that I had been on antidepressants that I had taken myself off them & they look at me so intensely as if I might explode or something. I wish I had never told them. No-one really wants to know about depression as most people can't handle it. I would rather be treated normally & not considered fragile.

I'm going to get out there & play golf on my own in between Wednesdays, so that I can improve. It feels like I'm a beginner again. My LH is working the next few Mondays, so I'll try to get out there then. My golf won't improve much playing with the women I play with (the tail end of the field) & my LH seems to be running short on patience with me so I'm not going to ask him anything about golf. If he says "it's simple" one more time, I swear I might scream. I am having trouble working out which clubs to use when I am getting anywhere near the green. I either hit it way too far or nowhere near enough. Golf is a great game, but is bloody silly at the same time. I want to play better than I do & I know I can. He thinks I have unrealistic expectations.

I'm off now to do some golf googling!
Bye for now xo Cate
 
Oh Cate, I understand what you are saying about the depression issue, as I have had the same response with my anxiety..(panic attacks) but now I don't care when I tell someone I trust.
Don't worry about those women at golf....maybe one day they will have some experience that reminds them " Cate told me about something similar"

Have had one or two strange looks too but now nearly every one understands.. has similar, or depression.
I think nearly every second person I know has had or has depression the first thing they say is that they will try medication if it gets too bad.
Men get it and they find it hard to face...and we have so many young people now too...thanks too Beyond blue etc hopefully things are now turning around.
Also look at how many celebrities have had it or have it. It is now starting to be bought out into the open.
Admitting something is being strong not fragile.
End of rant....:nopity:

Your mum is very lucky to have you and I do wish you luck with xmas day as I have not had to do anything like that but do know it happens as my brother looks after my dad and he has the same problems.:rolleyes:

Take care cate as I must have put you to sleep by now??? :sleeping: if not reread...ooxx R:waving:
 
Hi R, No, you did not put me to sleep at all! It is true that a lot of people suffer from depression, & most have experienced it either personally or with someone close to them, but it doesn't seem to alter the fact that they look at you so differently (& not in a helpful way).

We have a very big night ahead of us. Young friends are having their engagement party at the golf club & we are invited, along with both of our sons. There are 170 people invited all up. They wanted us to join the party, rather than work, but we decided that it would be best if we do the bar. We are good at it & want it to be a successful night. Our YS is helping us. When he first got home I asked him to help & when he started this job he told them he needed this night off.The licence has been extended to 2am, at their request. Lucky we're so young & fit- ha ha! "Commandoes don't get tired!" .......a family joke! Our OS & the 3 GK's will be coming along too for a while. I think there are lots of kids invited so, hopefully, it won't be too crazily busy as the 170 includes kids. This is just wishful thinking on my part!

I'm not sure if our YS has made a firm decision yet about going back to Canada. He plans on coming home with us tonight & then his brother is coming up here in the morning with the 3 kids to have an early lunch & then to drive him back into town(60km away) so that he can start work at 2pm tomorrow. The littlies will prob. stay with me then. My porr LH has to start work at 8am tomorrow!

I am going to just potter about today, doing some more Spring-cleaning/ de-cluttering & will stay home to prepare for a big night. My LH has a big day at the golf club with a sponsor day. We have also been doing lots of work for a tournament on Thursday. This week is going to be CRAZY. Our next day home together will be next Friday.

Wow! I just got side-tracked by a call re my MIL who has had a fall & is shaken & has some skin off, but is OK. I rang my BIL & told him & then decided to ring an old friend, who I have been meaning to ring for AGES! An hour later & I just realised I hadn't finished my post. Phew. It's still here. She has had all sorts of health problems & we just had a 7mth catch up & finished up with a discussion of how our friendship is unconditional & there is no need for sorries.

If I am to make any NY resolutions this year one of them will be to keep in touch more with the people I love. It's best to pick up the phone, rather than the computer.

Anyhow, back to my Spring-cleaning!
Love to all, xo Cate

 
Saturday night was HUGE! We were flat out from 5.15pm to 2am. The party was a very successful one. I did not have even one alcoholic drink. We got home just before 3am & it took me ages to get to sleep as my feet were throbbing. My poor LH had to start work at 8am. He didn't want to cancel the day's work, when the party was booked, as Sunday is double time. We both slept like babies last night!

I don't think our YS has decided 100% about whether to move to Canada. I thought he had. Spending time with his friends at the engagement party has reminded him how much he loves them.Spending time with his brother, niece & nephews & us, has made him realise just how much he loves us & will miss us. Poor guy. He is so torn! I am trying so hard not to influence him. It must be his decision.

More Spring-cleaning today. Maybe not too much though. I still feel fairly tired.
Love to all xo Cate
 
Great job with all the cleaning! I live like a hoarder (out of laziness not out of impulse to keep things) and though I don't like it and much prefer a tidy house it never seems to stay that way no matter how many times I clean up and say I'll NEVER let it get messy again!
 
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