bluehats diary

[bluehat]

beans and
family made leftover lasagna.

i have asked for help
but am not being taken
seriously because im overweight?
and dont fit in a neatly defined category
i guess (at least according to the drs
i approached).
maybe i should purge again so i fit
in a clearly defined category? ( not going to
but it seems like i would at least get help).

ive had an offer of weight loss surgery
or go on a very low calorie diet.
the help i recieved when purging was
the only real help i got.

well research and studies, experiments,
etc. show that dieting doesnt work.
ive also done it for many years
and actually wish that i was that so called "fat
weigh too much" weight
it was a whole lot healthier than now

so if there's no help im lost

but i do have the people here
who understand and have struggles too
thankyou to everyone

 

[bluehat]

How about you write down what you eat and how many calories are in that food - including and especially binges - to get an idea of what´s happening right now? 1600 calories a day doesn´t sound like it would make you gain weight unless you´re either tiny or quite a bit older than you are.
What I really meant was psychotherapy though. I think you mentioned getting counseling for your bulimia in the past? If it´s stopped you purging (which is great progress and you should be very proud of it!) it might help you stop binging in the long run as well.

calories for the beans
329.84

i dont know about the family made
lasagna
i dont know the things put in
or how big to say my piece was

 

[Llama]

I am very sorry medical professionals (who should know better!) haven't been taking you seriously. I'm afraid that happens a lot and it's not cruel but simply malpractice.
About the calories: who cooked the lasagne? Can you help them cook so you get a feel for what they put into the food? Or even just ask what's in it if it's a recipe they make a lot? For how much you had weighing would be the easiest solution. Alternatively there are apps out there that help you estimate count food calories or estimate them in cases you can't get an exact value, which is better than nothing.
I am surprised about the beans given that your stomach is used to such small portions. I eat a lot of beans and they all tend to be somewhere around 100 cal per 100 g after boiling. Where yours fried perhaps?

 

[bluehat]

I am very sorry medical professionals (who should know better!) haven't been taking you seriously. I'm afraid that happens a lot and it's not cruel but simply malpractice.
About the calories: who cooked the lasagne? Can you help them cook so you get a feel for what they put into the food? Or even just ask what's in it if it's a recipe they make a lot? For how much you had weighing would be the easiest solution. Alternatively there are apps out there that help you estimate count food calories or estimate them in cases you can't get an exact value, which is better than nothing.
I am surprised about the beans given that your stomach is used to such small portions. I eat a lot of beans and they all tend to be somewhere around 100 cal per 100 g after boiling. Where yours fried perhaps?

actually the beans were 429.84 (398 ml size can divided by the serving size of
250 ml times the 270 calories per 250 ml makes 429.84 for the whole can
they were canned beans (still finishing off the
bad processed foods i bought)

i dont live with that family member so i would have to ask
what was put in the recipe but i know she would not mind telling
me

i ate the lasagna a few hours apart from the beans
so it was kind of like 2 meals today

an unfortunate thing that happened was that when i was
14 and at a good weight that allowed for a flat tummy
i was taken to a dietician and put on a diet because i did not
weigh what the charts said i should
so hence the beginning of food obsessing and body hate
i believe that was the start of my food problems
with that tiny innocent seed planted by a dietician
i know its still my fault but innocently meant things
can still have a huge effect
another example is what i mentioned earlier about exercising
4 hours a day for years and at a reasonable weight because
others said i was fat
and now i am truly fat
where are those people now so they can say
you are fat
now that i am

 

[Llama]

actually the beans were 429.84 (398 ml size can divided by the serving size of
250 ml times the 270 calories per 250 ml makes 429.84 for the whole can

That's a lot of beans and if you can eat those in one sitting I'm pretty positive you'll be able to eat whole meals. If two meals two hours apart get you the calories and nutrients you need while still feeling safe I think it's a great idea.
The way our culture deals with food and weight is, sadly, messed up. There's often so much stigma attached to perfectly normal things that the pressure can easily get too much, especially for young people. It's hard enough to find ways to deal that work for each specific person without people standing by and pointing fingers for every attempt. But sticking with it, trying new things, accepting that some of them don't work for you or need adjusting and learning to love yourself enough to feel you *deserve* proper nutrition is the only thing that can work in the long run. You can do it.

 

[bluehat]

1 cup of peas and carrots 90.88 calories (according to label)

1 pound of pork chops 660 calories (according to an online site)

1 mcdouble 390 calories (according to my mcdonalds app)

1 mcdouble 390 calories

all at different times


nothing here to binge on so i guess its a binge free day


very discouraged because even with all that food
im still hungry
its not going to stop
and dismayed that even though the amounts of food
hurt my stomach i still do it
to try to be full just once
just once maybe
so i know what it feels like

 

[bluehat]

i considered wls but where i live the
wait time is 5 years if you qualify and can get it
covered under insurance
i dont think i will live that long
my bmi is over 40 i think its
47
and i already have several complications

what would people do in this situation?
i have tried it all but
wls and drugs for weight loss
but i also asked for them but was
turned down

ive been to counselling
i dont seem to understand how it works
or maybe it just doesnt work
went to different counselors at different
times in my life
we cant change our pasts
ive accepted things and moved on

do i have to accept that i may have a few
years left
or get very drastic in my efforts
i dont think thats an option
as it never worked before

i feel trapped

 

[Llama]

The thing about writing down everything you eat is that you can then add up the number and see you only ate 1530 kcal despite having had a hungry, cravy day. That´s not an enormous amount! In fact it´s below what your dietician said, so please don´t beat yourself up. Eating what you feel is a large amount is definitely better than binging. And getting on a waiting list for something that might help is better than putting it off because it might not help or may take too long. Who knows, the waiting list may get shorter. You may lose weight while you´re on that waiting list. You may no longer feel like you it once you get to the top of the list but if you want to achieve a healthier future you need to believe you´re worth taking steps to improve things and that doesn´t just mean being a perfect example of dietary self-discipline. You don´t have to be perfect; nobody can be disciplined ALL the time. Nobody can only take things away from their life and be satisfied with it. You have to add things as well. So if you´re taking away the short-term comfort/release of binging you have to add something back in that´ll also give you comfort/release when you need it or you won´t be able to cope in the long run. I can´t tell you what that something is, because I don´t know you, but examples could be: calling a friend or family member and telling them how you feel (or writing about it in a diary, either online or off if it´s stuff you don´t want to be public), doing a couple of exercises/going for a walk, listening to your favorite sad music, treating yourself to a face mask, petting a dog or whatever helps you deal with those hard feelings.
What I´m trying to say is: you need and deserve nice things. You won´t just deserve and need them once you´re thin and healthy, you need and deserve them now. And one nice thing might be putting yourself on a waiting list for something that might help you. If only to tell your mind and body that you don´t have to do it all alone and that you´re actively working toward making your life better.
Apart from that I recommend this site: You don’t have to figure out the universal truth of nutrition. You don´t have to like or agree with everything she writes but I think her basic approach is valuable.

 

[bluehat]

1 cup blackberries 70
3/4 cup chicken breast 210

ravioli 400

 

[bluehat]

it appears that i cant reach my original goal at this time(stop binging)
so maybe time to spend the time on a new one.
since its overwhelming for more than one goal at a time im going
to do some exercise daily- not easy with pain issues but i can try.
so i will begin with a strenuous 5 minutes so it feels like ive done
some exercise.
i began today with 5 minutes stepping up and down on a 6-8
inch stepper.
now for the negatives-- ive tried this before it gets very boring
for me.
i really like indoor cycling but it hurts my legs and knees
so badly the rest of the day was shot.
pain is completely gone with no cycling
so hoping it was just the cycling and i can somehow
manage some stepping.
my biggest thing isnt time right now-
its doing it every day.
so maybe do 5 minutes each day to form a habit and
so i dont get bored right away.
then when its a habit increase the time and find a
routine to watch to follow.
and still watch my food intake but less
obsession about it.
so on to day 2
(i really really want a day 2
it gets embarassing posting mostly failures.)

 

[bluehat]

today was

4 cups crockpot stewing beef (just beef n a bit of flavor- spices)
2 cups cottage cheese
spaced about 2 hours apart

 

[Cate]

They are not failures, bluehat, they are lessons. It's much better than giving up

 

[Llama]

What Cate said: the only failure would be to give up on your health and well-being. Have you tried finding sit-down exercises to start out with? There are tons out there and while they may not burn as many calories as step aerobics they tend to be gentle on the joints and still activate your muscles. If I remember I´ll try and find some I think might be helpful.

 

[Petal001]

Hi bluehat my issues with food started too when I was a child and I too was made to feel fat . And realising now that I was pretty normal child .
Regarding exercise YouTube have so many exercises . I love Leslie sansone because it's just walking indoors . There are super easy ones but whatever you do please go super easy on yourself . Baby steps

 

[Llama]

This one´s pretty specific:

Here´s one I kind of like simply for the abundance of different exercises (apart from the stretches at the end, but then again if you´re starting any kind of workout routine after having been inactive for a while you always have to listen to your body and use your own best judgment):

Or, if you want something with a bit more pep this might be a starting point for you:

They´re all pretty long and I skipped through bits here and there but you can always start by just doing the first five minutes, then mark where you´d got to and do the next 5 minutes tomorrow. I think starting out with less intensity, doing things that don´t hurt you, has a much better chance of long-term success than blasting off with all you´ve got just to get demotivated.

 

[bluehat]

wow very upset
i did my 2nd day of stepping
and feel the familiar leg pain back
after just 2 freaking days
all i wanted was a little exercise
was that too much to want

thanks for all the exercise ideas


maybe stepping wasnt the right one either
ive never tried sitting down ones yet

i like leslies videos and hope i can do them one day

 

[bluehat]

maybe supper will go better

 

[bluehat]

today was

beef 600
2 cups 4% cottage cheese(?)
salad 600


i used an average a dietician gave me a log time ago
to figure the meat
75 an ounce

i think i will just use it for all my meat
as i dont always know the cuts so its easier

 

[Llama]

There are big differences in calories between the different cuts of meat but if you don't generally tend toward fattier cuts I guess it'll even out in the long run.
Good job not reaching for crappy food despite being in pain. Exercise is a bit like food in that everyone has to find out what works for them. Unless you're already used to exercise it's usually best to start out with something that feels too easy at the time and build up over time. If you can find something you enjoy: even better. Sorry if I get preachy about movement sometimes, by the way. I try not to but it's what I do for a living.

 

[bluehat]

not sure but i may go with the 5 minutes
stepping for now.
at least until i get something set up where i
do my exercise so i can watch videos.
im not a tv fan so its not really set up.

i guess im afraid because i really liked indoor cycling
but started out on just 500 mg tylenol for the leg pain
and in the end (with only 15 mins) before i finally stopped i was using 2000 mg
and i dont really want to take pain meds to exercise
and im afraid the stepping will land me that way too.

maybe it all will.
maybe thats just whats going
to be for me, im not sure
and there are worse things in life.
i know a person who has pain all the time
and the exercise hurts too so she does the exercise
anyway because at least she will be in better health.
if it hurts either way whats the difference?
its kind of like me being hungry.
im always hungry anyway so i may as well eat less.
i will be hungry either way with alot or a little.