BikiniBound's Diary

well divorce is such a strong move....but its a decision you need to make. IMO avoiding it much longer will be just wasting your time. You could be moving on with your life. If you really feel it cant work, then it probably cant. Maybe he doesnt take you seriously when you threaten divorce....how about trying seperation? Anyways....i hope everything gets resolved soon so you can have peace of mind and move on.

Rena
 
Steve said:
Wow, haven't been around much.... sorry I missed all this. Kimberly, IMO, you really need to sit him down and have a serious talk. This is your marriage you are talking about. And either it's salvageable or it's not. You both know if it is or isn't.

If it is, letting the other fall to sleep night after night without discussing where this relationship is heading is insanity.
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Thanks, Steve.:) Our communication is abysmal. I have tried talking to him, but it gets me nowhere. He just shuts down and it gets nasty. We get into an argument, nothing is resolved, he spends a few days giving me the silent treatment, and then things are back to the way they were before. So I have learned to just keep quiet. Why go through all that for nothing?
 
MsGhettoBooty said:
Hey beautiful,

you know if you need to vent, I'm just a phone call away. Also... if you want me to call your husband and threaten the pants off of him, I'd be more than willing to do so. ;) Love yas, angel... the holidays are around the corner... isn't it "decision time?" :hug2:

-Sheryl
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Hahaha! That wouldn't work too well. He'd say something incredibly insulting to you and hang up. :D I know him VERY well. I may, however, call you and bore you death with my problems..:beatdeadhorse5:
 
You poor dear, this is a tough one. I just think given that you want a family you need to figure it out with the QUICKNESS! Time is a waistin' and you still need time to find someone else if that's the case. I know, SO MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE! I just wouldn't risk waiting too much longer if you want children (though I had my first at 38 and my sis had her second at 41 so dont fret). We need to chat about this and about your career plans ASAP. Maybe this weekend? I need to dig out your digits from my PMs :D.
 
Hi ya doll..

So sorry everything is blah and in your words, over in that area of yer life.

:hug2:

Gawd, don't stay like that for too much longer!

Don't be like my freakin' parents..lol They are going on 3 years now of the HATE FEST makin' us all want to move to another country..

:D

If I had the freakin' money, I'd be over there asap to give them the damn money 4 divorce and set them up in new places.

We could finally have PEACE 'N Quiet around here.. lol

So..Don't let yer life turn into a war zone/hate fest...It's so unhealthy.

Feel free to vent to me any time! :hug2:

<3 Ya!

Have A Goal Reachin' Thursday!
 
hickgurltx said:
Hi ya doll..

So sorry everything is blah and in your words, over in that area of yer life.

:hug2:

Gawd, don't stay like that for too much longer!

Don't be like my freakin' parents..lol They are going on 3 years now of the HATE FEST makin' us all want to move to another country..

:D

If I had the freakin' money, I'd be over there asap to give them the damn money 4 divorce and set them up in new places.

We could finally have PEACE 'N Quiet around here.. lol

So..Don't let yer life turn into a war zone/hate fest...It's so unhealthy.

Feel free to vent to me any time! :hug2:

<3 Ya!

Have A Goal Reachin' Thursday!
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Oh, there's no hate fest or war zone here. We are very civil to one another. No shouting and screaming--not our style. We are more likely to give one another the silent treatment--well, he starts it, so I go along with it. It's stupid and unproductive, and resolves nothing. I'm just very unhappy. But oh well. :nopity:
 
Hey girl,
Sorry to read that things haven't changed since we talked the other night.
I'f I'm not mistaken , hadn't you set a timetable for things to have made a positive change by? And that time has since come and gone I beleive. Separation might not be a bad idea at this point. It's not permanent like divorce is but you could both get a feeling of what it would be like to be apart. I'm pretty sure I told you the other night that I separated twice before I got divorced and unfortunatly it was at this time of year. Oh how this can make the holidays suck donkey balls. But on the other hand you owe it to yourself to be happy. We only get one shot at living life and you deserve to build the family you truly want.:hug2:





man that was about as serious as I've been in your diary in a while , that might have taken me off the perv list alltogether! Quick, I gotta be pervy ...mmm uummm .... uh :pumpkin::conehead::pumpkin:
 
MidGaGuy said:
on the other hand you owe it to yourself to be happy. We only get one shot at living life and you deserve to build the family you truly want.:hug2:
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Solid gold right there!

Kimberly, you are beautiful, intelligent, witty, funny, sweet, caring, considerate, well-liked and well-loved, and you got a great, raunchy sense of humor. You're a man's dream, and you deserve all the tender romanticism that you need. You should go for it! Someone told me, "The Doors are always open...but the hallway is Hell." Separation and/or divorce might be very sad and difficult. I'm sorry he didn't appear to take you seriously. Hopefully tonight he can sit and listen to you. HUGS!!!

Love ya!
 
Aww...I love how supportive everyone is around here.

But, Sheryl, don't think I didn't notice that your first response was getting his pants off (through threatening, yes, but off none the less.)
 
I don't know you well at all (yet), but I already know you well enought to know that you deserve to be incredibly happy!!! I wish I had better advice to give, and I'm sorry that I don't! I just hope you find the happiness that you deserve very soon!!!
 
bikinibound said:
Thanks, Steve.:) Our communication is abysmal. I have tried talking to him, but it gets me nowhere. He just shuts down and it gets nasty. We get into an argument, nothing is resolved, he spends a few days giving me the silent treatment, and then things are back to the way they were before. So I have learned to just keep quiet. Why go through all that for nothing?
Click to expand...

Then the guy isn't deserving of you. I haven't read the responses others have given you.... and I'm certainly no counselor.

However, if I were in those shoes I'd leave them at the door and get the hell out of there. I am soooo certain that's easier said than done, but I've always had the ability to minimize the perspective of life down to a very small picture. When you do this, it's quite depressing to see how short life really is.

On the other hand, it becomes very evident how valuable each and every day is.

I don't know if it's time to give up. But if aren't happy, and you can't reach him to work things out, what do you have left? What's the future look like?

Maybe he needs some shock treatment. Can you guys escape for a weekend and go on a short, but romantic trip. I'm not talking anything fancy. Just an escape so you can focus on what needs to be discussed.

I'm sure you've read this piece I wrote a while back, but I think it would serve you good reading it now:

The Walk

Life is a walk of many steps. The beginning of the walk is birth. The opposite end is death. We are forced to walk straight ahead. We don’t have a choice of turning around and gaining “extra” ground. In the grand scheme of things, it is a very short journey from one end to the other.

You have a choice. You can either focus on where you are going or you can focus on how you are getting there. Far too many people focus on the destination rather than the journey. Life is about living, not looking. I don’t know about you, but I would rather play in the game than sit on the sidelines! Goals and aspirations are great. If all you do is dream about them, do you really expect to accomplish anything?

Life is what you make of it. Sadly, I think many people are so caught up in their daily schedules that they never take the time to do a little self-analysis. People spend more time laying their outfits out for tomorrow’s workday, making grocery lists, and watching television than they do thinking about their lives. When they become this tied up in following The Routine, the possibility of change becomes nonexistent. These individuals become detached from their subconscious minds, which is the mechanism that guides us through life.

Many of us become cattle and are herded in a multitude of directions by higher powers, have them be the need of finances, family and friends, lack of confidence or direction, fear, society, etc. The list is endless. There are so many vehicles that drive us to places that you don’t want to be in life. Sadly, many of us cave in to these higher powers and lose control of the steps that we take. When this happens we lose touch with the fact that we are in the driver’s seat. We create this delusional scenario where we have no choices in life. We are stuck in our present situation with no options. This is damnation in my opinion.

I, myself, was completely on autopilot a couple years back. I was out of control and never even knew it. I was not sad or upset with life. I was simply not controlling my destiny. I was turned onto some great mentors who asked simple questions like:

· Are you truly happy with your life?
· If you could change one thing, what would you change?
· What are you not doing that you should be doing?

There are a lot more. When I started asking myself these things I was shocked to realize the answers. I don’t know what surprised me more: the fact that I really wasn’t happy or the fact that I didn’t even realize it!

Ignorance is bliss is some cases, but I don’t believe this is one of them. Sure, if you continue down the same path being guided by outside forces, you don’t have to end up miserable. However, life is too short not to milk it for everything its got!

I believe that our thoughts are things. They create our realities. We become what we think about most. Think about the destination enough, you are soon going to end up with death staring you right in the eyes having never truly lived a full second along the way. Always waiting for something to happen is going to leave you with a big let down at the end of the day, that I promise you.

Do you pay attention to what you think about?

As short as the journey is, there are many steps we must take to get from one end to the other. The steps we take, though they must be forward, are within our control. This is the piece of the puzzle that many people lose sight of once life mutates into “the real world” and we become adults with busy schedules.

In the walk of life, pay attention to your steps. It is fine to trip and fall. Pick yourself up and start walking again. If you fall and stay down, life keeps on moving. It doesn’t stop and wait for you to ready yourself. I believe a large majority in our society is in the “down” position. There are not enough people walking.

Think about who you are and how you want to be remembered. Do you have goals? Are you actively pursuing them? What holds you back?

This philosophical walk that I speak of is comprised of millions of miles. Choose what you focus on. Think about what you think about. Life is the 6 inches that are in front of your face. Moving forward without paying attention to these inches is devastating. Opportunity is knocking on our doors every single day. The option to take advantage of the opportunity is up to you. It is not going to hand itself to you. It is there for the taking everywhere we turn.

What lies between now and then is up to you. What steps are you willing to take?
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Blancita said:
You poor dear, this is a tough one. I just think given that you want a family you need to figure it out with the QUICKNESS! Time is a waistin' and you still need time to find someone else if that's the case. I know, SO MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE! I just wouldn't risk waiting too much longer if you want children (though I had my first at 38 and my sis had her second at 41 so dont fret). We need to chat about this and about your career plans ASAP. Maybe this weekend? I need to dig out your digits from my PMs :D.
Click to expand...

Yes, time is a wastin'--I am all to aware of that. Ticking biological clocks suck ass. Women are always getting shit about the rush to marry and have kids, well, it's not our fault we have limited time. Men are lucky in that they can become fathers whenever the hell they want. Women have about a 25-35 yr period--and the first 7-15 yrs of fertility are years when very few women want or are ready for motherhood. Wah wah--it's so unfair. :ack2: I've always been very careful not to get pregnant and look where it's gotten me. I've been ready to have kids for at least 5 yrs, but the H wasn't ready--and the $$ wasn't there, either. I cannot tell you how much I resent him for this. And yet, I guess it's meant to be--everything happens for a reason.
 
Yeah, men getting to father kids until they die (and in the case of forzen sperm, after) is really unfair to women who get their lives together just to find out it's too late.
 
MidGaGuy said:
Hey girl,
Sorry to read that things haven't changed since we talked the other night.
I'f I'm not mistaken , hadn't you set a timetable for things to have made a positive change by? And that time has since come and gone I beleive. Separation might not be a bad idea at this point. It's not permanent like divorce is but you could both get a feeling of what it would be like to be apart. I'm pretty sure I told you the other night that I separated twice before I got divorced and unfortunatly it was at this time of year. Oh how this can make the holidays suck donkey balls.
Click to expand...

Well, we've already sort of been separated--while he was in Australia for 9 weeks over the summer. I'd say half way around the world from each other is pretty separated. We only talked about once every 10 days. And at the time, I was considering divorce--so...

I set a timeframe for mid-October, but then with my dad's surgery, I let that go. So now I'm not sure what to do. H and I are talking a little. He asked me if my day was better today. I told him it started out shitty but got a bit better. He then asked if I cried--jokingly. I told him that I had cried today and he was surprised and asked why. I told him bc I'm not happy. "Unhappy about what?" he asks. "Unhappy about everything in general." How many times do I need to tell him? I've laid all my cards on the table like, twice now, telling him exactly why I'm unhappy. I feel like I'm :beatdeadhorse5: We need a jackass emoticon.

But on the other hand you owe it to yourself to be happy. We only get one shot at living life and you deserve to build the family you truly want.:hug2:
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This made me cry. :) Thank you, dear. :hug2:

man that was about as serious as I've been in your diary in a while , that might have taken me off the perv list alltogether! Quick, I gotta be pervy ...mmm uummm .... uh :pumpkin::conehead::pumpkin:
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Ah, probably not much point this week--I'm pretty sure Stacy's got everyone beat. :D
 
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Curvie Girlie said:
Solid gold right there!

Kimberly, you are beautiful, intelligent, witty, funny, sweet, caring, considerate, well-liked and well-loved, and you got a great, raunchy sense of humor. You're a man's dream, and you deserve all the tender romanticism that you need. You should go for it! Someone told me, "The Doors are always open...but the hallway is Hell." Separation and/or divorce might be very sad and difficult. I'm sorry he didn't appear to take you seriously. Hopefully tonight he can sit and listen to you. HUGS!!!

Love ya!
Click to expand...

Wow--I don't think my head can fit through doors anymore with all these ego-boosting compliments. :D I think my H would disagree with at least 4 of those descriptives..lol. The hallway IS hell. I think I've given up with him. I just need to find the courage (and a job) to end it. :)
 
Steve said:
Then the guy isn't deserving of you. I haven't read the responses others have given you.... and I'm certainly no counselor.

However, if I were in those shoes I'd leave them at the door and get the hell out of there. I am soooo certain that's easier said than done, but I've always had the ability to minimize the perspective of life down to a very small picture. When you do this, it's quite depressing to see how short life really is.

On the other hand, it becomes very evident how valuable each and every day is.

I don't know if it's time to give up. But if aren't happy, and you can't reach him to work things out, what do you have left? What's the future look like?

Maybe he needs some shock treatment. Can you guys escape for a weekend and go on a short, but romantic trip. I'm not talking anything fancy. Just an escape so you can focus on what needs to be discussed.
Click to expand...

Was it T.S. Eliot who said, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation?" That is genius. If only he'd included women in that as well. :)

You are very correct in pointing out that I focus too much on the destination and not enough on the journey. I'm a pisces, and we tend to be dreamers. I know exactly what I want--I just don't know how to get there. That's a big problem.
 
Exercise this week:
11/12—40min circuit training, weight: 227
11/13—56 min, 4 mile walk (14min mile avg—new record), weight: 228.5
11/14—30 min exercise bike, 11.3 miles, weight: 226.5
11/15—40 min circuit training, weight 226

Food for Thursday:
Meal#1—hash brown, scrambled eggs, 2 sausage links
Meal#2—strawberries and yogurt
Meal#3—ham and cheese sandwich w/tomato
Meal#4—huge plate of broccoli :D
Meal#5—shepherd’s pie
Total: 1,681 calories, 85g fat 47%, 110g net carbs 27%, 105g protein 26%, 33g fiber

Food for Wednesday:
Meal#1—vanilla clusters cereal, 1% milk, protein powder
Meal#2—English muffin w/ham, cheddar, hummus
Meal#3—yogurt, strawberries
Meal#4—taco salad
Meal#5—bulk fiber drink
Total: 1,748 calories, 71g fat 39%, 128g net carbs 31%, 128g protein 21%, 26g fiber

The forum went down when I tried to post my food late last night, so I'm doubling up today.

I've noticed recently that I can usually tell whether I've gained or lost before I even get on the scale. I just feel lighter or heavier. It's strange. I have a good feeling about Friday's weigh in. Hopefully it'll be below 226. I've already decided that if I'm not down to at least 225 by Sunday, I'm going to eat what I want next week--within reason. I don't want to gain 6.5lbs this time. :D Regardless, I've already decided I'm going to eat whatever I want on Thanksgiving..lol.
 
So I've been toying with the idea of applying for the foreign service for some time. I took the FS exam during my last year of college and just missed the cut off. I've signed up to get updates via email from the State Dept re the FS and other job openings. Anyway, this message was in my inbox this morning.

Your world. Your America. Your Opportunity to Make a Difference.

The United States is facing unprecedented challenges requiring the expert knowledge and vision of individuals like you. This is why there has never been a better time to transform your professional skills, education, cultural background and unique perspectives into a high-profile career working overseas.

You have the ability to affect global change and impact people’s lives. You’ve taken the first step in becoming an agent of change and we’d like to encourage you to register for, and schedule your seat, for the upcoming December 1-8 testing window.

Become a U.S. Diplomat.

If not now, when?

So I guess I'll finish filling out the ridiculously long and extensive application--just to take the FS exam. It used to be so much easier. :ack2::ack2:
 
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