Cohen's Lifestyle BabyFatNoMore's Weight Loss Journal
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BabyFatNoMore
New member
I bet you didn't think you'd see me again! I wasn't sure I'd be back. I can honestly say that the last month of my life has been pure hell. You already know that my husband had asked for a divorce. Then I started having severe dizziness, to the point of falling down. Since I had this problem a few years ago and MS was mentioned as a big possibility, I've been really scared.
Then, I found out my dad died. My dad was a horrible, horrible man and I haven't seen him in years. I credit him w/ creating many of my insecurities and fears. My childhood was one big nightmare. Still, his death hit me hard. I always figured he would recover from his addictions, conquer his fears, and slay his dragons. I always thought he would feel remorse for his many sins... reach out... make amends. Now he's gone and the possibilities are gone, too.
I visited his grave... took a letter I had written... had every intention of confronting him... When I finally had the chance to say everything I could never say while he was alive, I couldn't do it. All I could say, over and over, was, "Why didn't you love me? I tried so hard to make you proud-- why wasn't I good enough?" Pitiful, I know. But, as I sat there, crying and talking and, finally, burning my letter, I felt cleansed. For the first time in my life I realized something-- it wasn't me! I was just a kid... no normal parent does the things he did! It all became crystal clear-- both of my parents were sick, selfish, immature twits who had no business bringing children into this world! It wasn't my fault!!!!! I actually felt whole and clear-headed. For the first time ever, I felt free of fear. Maybe I'll actually be able to sleep without nightmares now.
Another strange thing happened. I had been thinking of going back to school-- even through distance education-- to get a degree in psychology. My friend pretty much convinced me that I didn't need to do that, that I'm too busy with the kids and my writing, etc. Then, after learning of my dad's death, it seemed so clear... Why not make something positive of my childhood? Why not put my experience and sensitivities to good use? Why not work w/ abused children (or adult survivers of childhood abuse) to help them overcome the guilt and confusion that such a childhood brings? If I can't use my past to help someone, isn't it all just a waste?
Oh, and my husband and I were able to work things out too. It was very rocky for a while, but we finally realized that we have too much to lose by divorcing. We renegotiated everything, found a new way of communicating, and we're on the path to much greater happiness than ever. He even made the 3 hour drive to take me to the cemetery. That is surprising in itself, because he is a very black and white kind of guy. He really couldn't understand that I needed to shed tears for this monster, but he supported my need anyway. It felt so good to have that support.
Anyway, I feel liberated in so many ways. Feel clear-headed and more in control that I've felt in a while. It seems fitting that I come back to Cohens. I am finally ready to reclaim my life and my health.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to worry about me! I hope you're all doing great.
Then, I found out my dad died. My dad was a horrible, horrible man and I haven't seen him in years. I credit him w/ creating many of my insecurities and fears. My childhood was one big nightmare. Still, his death hit me hard. I always figured he would recover from his addictions, conquer his fears, and slay his dragons. I always thought he would feel remorse for his many sins... reach out... make amends. Now he's gone and the possibilities are gone, too.
I visited his grave... took a letter I had written... had every intention of confronting him... When I finally had the chance to say everything I could never say while he was alive, I couldn't do it. All I could say, over and over, was, "Why didn't you love me? I tried so hard to make you proud-- why wasn't I good enough?" Pitiful, I know. But, as I sat there, crying and talking and, finally, burning my letter, I felt cleansed. For the first time in my life I realized something-- it wasn't me! I was just a kid... no normal parent does the things he did! It all became crystal clear-- both of my parents were sick, selfish, immature twits who had no business bringing children into this world! It wasn't my fault!!!!! I actually felt whole and clear-headed. For the first time ever, I felt free of fear. Maybe I'll actually be able to sleep without nightmares now.
Another strange thing happened. I had been thinking of going back to school-- even through distance education-- to get a degree in psychology. My friend pretty much convinced me that I didn't need to do that, that I'm too busy with the kids and my writing, etc. Then, after learning of my dad's death, it seemed so clear... Why not make something positive of my childhood? Why not put my experience and sensitivities to good use? Why not work w/ abused children (or adult survivers of childhood abuse) to help them overcome the guilt and confusion that such a childhood brings? If I can't use my past to help someone, isn't it all just a waste?
Oh, and my husband and I were able to work things out too. It was very rocky for a while, but we finally realized that we have too much to lose by divorcing. We renegotiated everything, found a new way of communicating, and we're on the path to much greater happiness than ever. He even made the 3 hour drive to take me to the cemetery. That is surprising in itself, because he is a very black and white kind of guy. He really couldn't understand that I needed to shed tears for this monster, but he supported my need anyway. It felt so good to have that support.
Anyway, I feel liberated in so many ways. Feel clear-headed and more in control that I've felt in a while. It seems fitting that I come back to Cohens. I am finally ready to reclaim my life and my health.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to worry about me! I hope you're all doing great.
Annie_Lusion
New member
Yay Misty..you're back!! 
Wow, geeez your not wrong about the busy month .... so happy that you have worked things out with your husband & so happy your back on Cohens.
Annie Lusion
p.s so very good to see you back and in control of your life..you go girl!
Wow, geeez your not wrong about the busy month .... so happy that you have worked things out with your husband & so happy your back on Cohens.
Annie Lusion
p.s so very good to see you back and in control of your life..you go girl!
BabyFatNoMore
New member
Thanks, Annie. It's good to be back. I need to catch up on the other forums, see how everyone else is doing, but I might wait a day or two for that. I might get back in the swing of things first.
I'm going to try to post in here A LOT for a while-- meals, moods, etc. I'm hoping that will help me get and stay on track. So, if I get dull and monotonous, forgive me. It's all in the name of healing!
I'm going to try to post in here A LOT for a while-- meals, moods, etc. I'm hoping that will help me get and stay on track. So, if I get dull and monotonous, forgive me. It's all in the name of healing!
Cate
Long term member
Can't wait to catch up with your life- all that you feel like sharing that is, xoxo Cate.Welcome back!!!!
Misty, you are a very good person & deserve the best in life. My heart goes out to you! Lots of love, Cate.
BabyFatNoMore
New member
Hi, Cate! Thank you so much for digging up my old journal. I was planning to start a new one, but I'll stick with this one. Believe it or not, I had forgotten all about the marital troubles and things that got me off track last time. Funny how the mind works, isn't it?
I'm still doing many of the same things I was doing back then... still homeschooling my daughters, still busy with girl scouts and other activities, still working at home as an editor and researcher, and things are still going well with my husband. I did not end up going back to school, though.
Oh, and I had a hysterectomy since the last time I was here. That was no fun!
Since I left here, I've tried so many diets... I've fasted, I've been low carb, I've been all veg, I've done Medifast... and nothing worked the way Cohens did. Nothing had me eating such a variety of healthy foods. So, I'm back and this time, cheating is not an option. Today is day 8 for me. I'm happy to be here!
I'm still doing many of the same things I was doing back then... still homeschooling my daughters, still busy with girl scouts and other activities, still working at home as an editor and researcher, and things are still going well with my husband. I did not end up going back to school, though.
Oh, and I had a hysterectomy since the last time I was here. That was no fun!
Since I left here, I've tried so many diets... I've fasted, I've been low carb, I've been all veg, I've done Medifast... and nothing worked the way Cohens did. Nothing had me eating such a variety of healthy foods. So, I'm back and this time, cheating is not an option. Today is day 8 for me. I'm happy to be here!
BabyFatNoMore
New member
Today is day 9. Things are going well. I'm enjoying most of my meals and I'm no longer feeling hungry for the most part. BUT I'm still dealing with some of my mental issues.
For example, I'm still struggling with scale dependence. I weigh every single day, sometimes more than once a day. When I've had a good loss, I'm happy, energetic, and motivated all day. But naturally I'm not going to have a good loss everyday and when I don't, I feel discouraged all day. Rationally, I know it isn't healthy for my mood to rely on my weight loss from a single day. And I know I shouldn't be weighing daily.
So, I think I'm going to have my husband lock my scale in the trunk of his car so I can only get it out once a month. I did that once before and that helped me feel more sane!
And I keep getting bogged down with worry about the future: Will my skin be saggy after I lose weight? Is the goal weight they gave me horribly thin? Will I look older when I lose weight? Will I be afraid to eat normally again? Again, I know in the logical part of my mind that I need to focus on today. I need to take this one meal at a time and deal with the future when it comes. When I allow myself to obsess with the future, this journey seems too long. It seems impossible, like a mountain I can't climb.
But at least I'm recognizing these mental issues, so now I can work on them. Awareness is good, right?
For example, I'm still struggling with scale dependence. I weigh every single day, sometimes more than once a day. When I've had a good loss, I'm happy, energetic, and motivated all day. But naturally I'm not going to have a good loss everyday and when I don't, I feel discouraged all day. Rationally, I know it isn't healthy for my mood to rely on my weight loss from a single day. And I know I shouldn't be weighing daily.
So, I think I'm going to have my husband lock my scale in the trunk of his car so I can only get it out once a month. I did that once before and that helped me feel more sane!
And I keep getting bogged down with worry about the future: Will my skin be saggy after I lose weight? Is the goal weight they gave me horribly thin? Will I look older when I lose weight? Will I be afraid to eat normally again? Again, I know in the logical part of my mind that I need to focus on today. I need to take this one meal at a time and deal with the future when it comes. When I allow myself to obsess with the future, this journey seems too long. It seems impossible, like a mountain I can't climb.
But at least I'm recognizing these mental issues, so now I can work on them. Awareness is good, right?
Cate
Long term member
That's the key!
Excellent idea!! Scales mess with your mind. I only weigh no more than once a week now.
Worry robs the future. "Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy."
~Leo Buscaglia
Sweetie, awareness is excellent. We never stop learning about ourselves. This time you will succeed. Tell yourself that every day. Stop worrying as the more you worry, the more you worry & I know that it helps absolutely NOBODY, but especially yourself. Try to read positive affirmations or quotes each day. They do help. I wouldn't have thought so once but I do now.
Sending you lots of love and lots of support from Tassie to Texas, xo Cate
BabyFatNoMore
New member
Thanks, Cate. You always know exactly what to say.
Yesterday was a busy day! We left home at 9am and went to a girl scout meeting. Then we picked up two of my daughters' friends for a sleepover. Stopped off at a park and ending up staying for hours. It was great. We walked around the lake and watched the ducks and other birds. The girls built a fort. We met a squirrel that seemed to think it was a dog.
It was a lovely day, but we ended up being gone for over 10 hours and I hadn't packed a full meal. Since I only expected to be gone 3 to 4 hours, I only packed crackers and an apple. I was so hungry and dizzy by the time we got home! I ended up missing meal 2. I'm happy that I didn't cheat, but I hate that I missed a meal. Still I learned a valuable lesson. From now on, I will pack a simple Cohens lunch any time I'm going out.
Today is day 11. It's going to be a good day!
Yesterday was a busy day! We left home at 9am and went to a girl scout meeting. Then we picked up two of my daughters' friends for a sleepover. Stopped off at a park and ending up staying for hours. It was great. We walked around the lake and watched the ducks and other birds. The girls built a fort. We met a squirrel that seemed to think it was a dog.
It was a lovely day, but we ended up being gone for over 10 hours and I hadn't packed a full meal. Since I only expected to be gone 3 to 4 hours, I only packed crackers and an apple. I was so hungry and dizzy by the time we got home! I ended up missing meal 2. I'm happy that I didn't cheat, but I hate that I missed a meal. Still I learned a valuable lesson. From now on, I will pack a simple Cohens lunch any time I'm going out.
Today is day 11. It's going to be a good day!
BabyFatNoMore
New member
May 1, which means Mother's Day is coming up and my birthday is in two weeks. I'm determined NOT to give in to thinking, "Oh, it's my birthday/Mother's Day, so I deserve a treat." Weight loss and a return to health are the best gifts I could give myself, much better than any chocolate cake or creamy icing! In the past, I've allowed May to completely derail my diet, but not this time!
Today is all about cleaning and doing laundry. Fun, fun. At least it will be easy to get all my meals eaten on time since I'm not leaving the house.
Today is all about cleaning and doing laundry. Fun, fun. At least it will be easy to get all my meals eaten on time since I'm not leaving the house.
Cate
Long term member
Mothers Day & our birthdays! I had forgotten that we have our birthdays close together. I think yours is the 14th or 15th & mine is the 18th, although I have seen many more sunrises and am coming up to my 58th. We'll have a "virtual" birthday party in the middle together. There are so many things that we can do that don't involve unhealthy food & you feel so much better physically & mentally. Treat yourself to something special (non-food) and/or something special but on plan, like an eye fillet steak or seafood
xoCate
xoCate
BabyFatNoMore
New member
Cate, I had forgotten our birthdays were close too! Mine is the 15th and I'll be 36. We'll definitely have to have a virtual party. I like your idea of a special on plan meal. A good, lean steak sounds delicious. Do you have special plans for your birthday? Do you allow yourself the occasional cake and dessert now?
Day 14. Things are going well food-wise and I can feel some of my jeans getting looser, but I've been feeling a little blah the last few days. Nothing I can really put my finger on, just feeling a bit run-down and down in general. Hopefully it's a passing thing. Whether it passes or not, I won't let it cause me to deviate. It seems I'm saying that about everything these days (being away from home, being stressed, an argument, my birthday), but it's because I've been an emotional eater these last several years. Boredom, anger, stress, sadness, happiness... any change in mood was an excuse to indulge! Not anymore. I will deal with my feels now; no more feeding them.
Today I plan to catch up on laundry and work. Not the most exciting plan, but it's good to be productive. Maybe I'll feel happier after I've conquered the mountain of laundry!
Day 14. Things are going well food-wise and I can feel some of my jeans getting looser, but I've been feeling a little blah the last few days. Nothing I can really put my finger on, just feeling a bit run-down and down in general. Hopefully it's a passing thing. Whether it passes or not, I won't let it cause me to deviate. It seems I'm saying that about everything these days (being away from home, being stressed, an argument, my birthday), but it's because I've been an emotional eater these last several years. Boredom, anger, stress, sadness, happiness... any change in mood was an excuse to indulge! Not anymore. I will deal with my feels now; no more feeding them.
Today I plan to catch up on laundry and work. Not the most exciting plan, but it's good to be productive. Maybe I'll feel happier after I've conquered the mountain of laundry!
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Cate
Long term member
Hi Misty, It's great to hear that you are so determined & focussed. My birthday? It's on a Wednesday so I'm going to go to Tai Chi & then lunch after with my TC friends. I will buy something to share with them, depending on where we go. I hadn't planned our meal for that night but I do have a really good bottle of Tasmanian bubbly in the fridge & I also like the idea of a beautiful, lean eye fillet steak with a big salad. Yum!!
I prefer to eat at home, rather than out as it's usually much nicer. My LH is a wonderful cook. I do have an occasional piece of cake but don't enjoy it much. I think that for me to eat cake or dessert again it has to be excellent quality or not at all. I love my fresh fruit more than anything & I do eat 3-4 every day.
I did loads of housework yesterday too, including the dreaded vacuuming. What a virtuous pair! xo Cate
I prefer to eat at home, rather than out as it's usually much nicer. My LH is a wonderful cook. I do have an occasional piece of cake but don't enjoy it much. I think that for me to eat cake or dessert again it has to be excellent quality or not at all. I love my fresh fruit more than anything & I do eat 3-4 every day.
I did loads of housework yesterday too, including the dreaded vacuuming. What a virtuous pair! xo Cate
BabyFatNoMore
New member
Today was both good and bad. The good was I was prepared! We were going to a friend's house "for a few hours" and I packed one meal. Then I thought about our history of "a few hours" turning into all day. Sure enough, we ended up being there long enough for me to eat both meals. Best of all, my friend was fully supportive of my efforts and didn't try to sway me at all. She congratulated me on eating healthily (she's seen me fasting and is thrilled to see me eating more balanced meals) and said she knows I'll succeed this time. That was so nice to hear!
My family is another story all together (that's the bad part). Long story short, my mom is furious because I told her I don't want to eat out for Mother's Day and my birthday. I told her I was happy to do something that doesn't involve a restaurant, but I'm not going to jeopardize my weight loss. First she accused me of starving myself (what????) and then she claimed I have no respect for her. I just don't get it. Why does entertainment have to mean eating out? Surely there are other things we could do! And the thing is, she's supposedly on a diet too! But she's doing poorly and I honestly think she tries to sabotage me (this isn't based on Mother's Day, but on a long history of her bringing me candy, sodas, and mochas when she knows I'm trying to lose weight). It's like she doesn't want to see me succeed while she isn't. I've tried to get her to join me, but she doesn't want to make the effort. I'm soooooooooo frustrated.
Oh well. I have always had a volatile relationship with her and I don't see that changing any time soon. I can't change her and she can't change me, but I really need to change the way I feel after a confrontation. I start second guessing myself. I get guilty. I get this panicky feeling. And then I usually end up apologizing because I know it's the only way to get things back to "normal." And I'm sick of it!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT I WON'T LET IT MAKE ME DEVIATE! I WILL SUCCEED NO MATTER WHAT!
My family is another story all together (that's the bad part). Long story short, my mom is furious because I told her I don't want to eat out for Mother's Day and my birthday. I told her I was happy to do something that doesn't involve a restaurant, but I'm not going to jeopardize my weight loss. First she accused me of starving myself (what????) and then she claimed I have no respect for her. I just don't get it. Why does entertainment have to mean eating out? Surely there are other things we could do! And the thing is, she's supposedly on a diet too! But she's doing poorly and I honestly think she tries to sabotage me (this isn't based on Mother's Day, but on a long history of her bringing me candy, sodas, and mochas when she knows I'm trying to lose weight). It's like she doesn't want to see me succeed while she isn't. I've tried to get her to join me, but she doesn't want to make the effort. I'm soooooooooo frustrated.
Oh well. I have always had a volatile relationship with her and I don't see that changing any time soon. I can't change her and she can't change me, but I really need to change the way I feel after a confrontation. I start second guessing myself. I get guilty. I get this panicky feeling. And then I usually end up apologizing because I know it's the only way to get things back to "normal." And I'm sick of it!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT I WON'T LET IT MAKE ME DEVIATE! I WILL SUCCEED NO MATTER WHAT!
Cate
Long term member
Now that is a good friend! It's great to have a support system. Congrats on being so organised
Oh sweetie! MOTHERS!! How frustrating & upsetting. Your mum can't succeed so she also wants you to fail. That's sad. You almost have to feel sorry for her. You are going to prove to her that you can succeed & hopefully she will learn by your example. I'm glad you are feeling strong and I really look forward to seeing you get to your goal Misty.
Sending you some extra strength & love, xoxo Cate
BabyFatNoMore
New member
This was such a good Mother's Day weekend. Yesterday, we went to the country and visited my grandpa and his wife. They live on 32 acres. The girls had a great time exploring and playing in the sand pile. We all picked vegetables and spent lots of time on the porch chatting. My husband made fajitas and chicken legs on the grill. It looked delicious, but I had packed my own Cohen's meal.
Today my husband, the girls, and I went to Galveston and spent a few hours at the beach and then walked on the seawall. Once again, I packed Cohen's meals. I'm proud of myself!
All in all, it was a lovely weekend. I didn't end up seeing my mom because she's choosing to stay angry at me, but I'm choosing not to be drawn into the drama.
Today my husband, the girls, and I went to Galveston and spent a few hours at the beach and then walked on the seawall. Once again, I packed Cohen's meals. I'm proud of myself!
All in all, it was a lovely weekend. I didn't end up seeing my mom because she's choosing to stay angry at me, but I'm choosing not to be drawn into the drama.
BabyFatNoMore
New member
Such a lovely weekend, but I'm paying for it today! My mom is furious because we spent time at my grandpa's house Saturday. She is jealous and feels I didn't do anything for her for Mother's Day. She's overlooking the fact that I DID invite her to do something on Saturday and she turned me down and I invited her for this coming Tuesday (tomorrow) and she turned me down again. Oh, and I sent her a nice gift.
Apparently I was supposed to beg and plead with her to come with us, but I'm tired of games. I'm (almost) 36 years old, I'm a wife and mother... I'm not going to be pulled into these dramas and jealousies... and yet, here I am feeling upset and guilty. Not guilty exactly because I don't think I did anything wrong, just upset that someone is angry with me.
Still staying on track with my diet, but I'm just not feeling motivated to get up and prepare my food. (But I will anyway!)
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!
Apparently I was supposed to beg and plead with her to come with us, but I'm tired of games. I'm (almost) 36 years old, I'm a wife and mother... I'm not going to be pulled into these dramas and jealousies... and yet, here I am feeling upset and guilty. Not guilty exactly because I don't think I did anything wrong, just upset that someone is angry with me.
Still staying on track with my diet, but I'm just not feeling motivated to get up and prepare my food. (But I will anyway!)
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!
Cate
Long term member
Oh Misty, Only family can get us this upset. I had a day of it yesterday too. It's easier said than done, not letting them get to you. It's great that you are not letting her derail your determination to stick to your plan. I think it's lovely that you & your children had a lovely mothers day, visiting your grandpa. That is so nice. Your mom is her own biggest problem by the sound of it, not you. Stay strong sweets, xoxo Cate