A new me! (hopefully, with some help)

AHi Guys :blush5:

I am totally hanging my head in shame here :( I have fallen off the wagon. Well, it was more like jumping off into a sea of chocolate binging!!!!!!!

BUT.....
I'm back and in great need of a big slap, shouting at, telling off and serious help to stop this self distruction!!!!
I've kinda been feeling really flat lately, not unhappy, just flat. I can't get motivated about anything. I haven't exercised at all for weeks now and my food has been terrible. But as of right now i am going to try my dammed hardest to bloody do this. I keep saying it, i've lost count of the times over the last 6 months or so that i have 'started again' but i really need to do it right THIS TIME or i am going to be right back where i was before.
My leg is still bad (i am having to have it dressed at the health centre cos it is taking to long to heal) and on top of that i have a pain in the knee on my other leg too.

God Kate, stop bloody complaining and just do it!!!!!!

Ok, here's the thing.....I was looking thru clothes on ebay the other day and i found a pair of 'River Island' Jeans size 12. River Island is what i would call posh, expensive clothes so i bought them (got them for £5) i know they won't fit cos my clothes are feeling tight and uncomfortable now (yep, i am that fat!!!) so i aim to get into them and for them to be comfy/loose!!!! I am going to do the photo thing again, like i did with those size 16 jeans i had.
Please please let me manage this.....I feel so weak right now. I need my OCD motivation and i don't have it. I know this is going to be hard but i have to do it.

Little baby steps
I am thinking that taking it a day at a time is probably a good idea so todays goals are:-

Do 30 min upper body work out
Do 50 sit ups
Eat under 1000 calories for the rest of today (i have already had white toast and peanut butter for breakfast!!)

That will do for today.

Here is my new ticker. It's terrible!!!! I am so embarassed :(
 
a kate...smae here....sorry to read this that you have been doing so bad...i thought i was the only one and tried to hide away....

I know exactly what you mean everything you said , i could of written it i am here for you and i will support you we just have to promise to get on here every night or day.I think us stopping writing in here daily is also to blame,we are accountable for our eating anymore....I weighed myself and i was 85 kilos today...i was 83 a couple of weeks ago.I am like WTF is going on here>?


YOU WILL be back to your old weight if you dont change habbits.You will be miserable and even more cause you will think you have FAILED and gone back tobeing plain fat again , unhealthy , not able to even run for 10 minutes without feeling the need to pass out.

YOU CAN not go that way though KAte.Starting NOW.Not tommorow now.

even if you have eaten 2000 calories today put down that cookie ,in the rubbish now.dont think Aw its just a cookie it can not be so bad.IT is BAD though iswear,It is evil cause it makes your brain feel comfy eating it and free to do it again and agian and again.Its the extra mayo,its the 2 cookies , its the icecream,its the second serving of pasta , its the few more glasses of wine , its the not cotroling portions anymore that have made you and me gain weight and our clothes feeling tight again and us feeling ever more fat.

its all those little things puttogether that make FAT.Its not working out as before.I remember you used to run and run and run burning loads of fat and now after stuff have happened in life that have affected you you arent doing this anymore.BUT even though its atural to go through stuff ITS LIFE there is a point that you must say ok now im starting again.this cant be forever cause you will return to the size you where and its a shame.I cant let you do that.You are so strong and gorgeous woman you have motivated me and got me running and icant just sit here reading your last post and then pretending to get up and go on with things.I have to tell you that you must change your habbits and as you said baby steps are good towards change before you regret it so much


I am feeling like you feeling clothes tight i even get comments about outting weight on..i feel awful mentaly about loads of stuff in life and this gain isnt helping i was fine a month agotelling you all i feel great and sexy how in heaven did i manage to gain all ths so quick?and i am doing something about it now.....hell no way im going to be 96-100 kilos again ...no way....i just have to be so damn strick and get my head back to NO i dont eat chocolate ofcourse i am on a diet.....thats what i used to be like and that got me to 76 kilos.

Then when my mind went "aw i'll have that pudding,i'll make and eat marios cake,i'll have pasta with fresh cream and bacon..." then i baloned up to 85 kilos...that A LOT of weight...

I am HERE for you and i promise i will log on EVERY day and write on here.I really do promise.(exept if i can get online for somereasson,no connection ect)
 
You can do it :) You have come a long way. My goal is almost the same as yours. I am still stuck in the 200's :(I would love to see 172lb on my scale again!! Everyone have a bad weeks now and then. the important thing is not to give up and keep up with the healthy lifestyle :D
 
Well, it should seam a true lie, or simple joke, but i went to all of this a few years ago. Sorry about my english and my units but i am from Europe... somewhere. I lost 107 kg 4 years ago, without any help, on the surface... i managed to do this trough hard work, long walks (about 15-16km / day) from the city centre to a nearby resort. This below is a link that helped me through the process...

<a href="http://1475anebqzqmg-corclezvodcy.*****************/" target="_top">Click Here!</a>
 
Originally Posted by bogdan12


Well, it should seam a true lie, or simple joke, but i went to all of this a few years ago. Sorry about my english and my units but i am from Europe... somewhere. I lost 107 kg 4 years ago, without any help, on the surface... i managed to do this trough hard work, long walks (about 15-16km / day) from the city centre to a nearby resort. This below is a link that helped me through the process...

<a href="http://1475anebqzqmg-corclezvodcy.*****************/" target="_top">Click Here!</a>
Click to expand...

It may seem superficial, but is not. Well pm me for info. It was by far my best result over the years...
 
ARiver Island day 1

Breakfast: 2 slices of white toast with light spread and peanut butter
Lunch:...................
Dinner: Salad with light salad cream and courgette chutney
Snacks: 3 coffee's with sugar (ran out of sweetners) apple, banana and a small bit of cake
Total calories = 957

Exercise:
30 min aerobics
50 situps
40 bridges

Last night i went to bed thinking 'i'll start again tomorrow' (which i have done every night for what seems like ages) and when i woke up this morning i managed to talk myself out of starting. I decided that i would start tomorrow as i am back at work............Sound familiar???????
After breakfast I noticed that Cate had posted a message onto MFP and i realised that i was blocking you all out so i didn't have to face that i was failing and the guilt that went along with it. I don't know what's wrong with me but i am ignoring everything. I kinda have got my head burried in the sand and turned into a little bit of a hermit. Yes, i have been busy but not the last 2 days, all i did yesterday was lie on the sofa watching TV and eating!!!!!!!!
Well.......NO MORE!!!!! Cate I love you, my online mum, and i am so sorry for not being around :( You made me realise that i can't go on like this when i read your post. It was just what i needed. :grouphug: So, today was the day i started 'again' and i have done well food wise. I made myself do stuff today, loads of washing, shopping, making 4 cakes!!!, clean out the rabbit and do some exercise!
I had made myself a coffee this afternoon and i had realised that i hadn't done my areobics like i promised i would and i thought 'oh, i really can't be bothered........i'll tell them that i didn't have time' well that would have been a big fat lie!!!!!!!!! I need to stop lying to myself. Anyway, i checked my diary and Jess had written on it and she had also said the perfect thing!!!!! Jess you know me so well Sorry that you are in the same head space as me but it is comforting to know that i am not a bloody freak by feeling like i do at the moment. Also, i really needed you to shout at me. Thank you with all my heart my lovely :grouphug: Do you know what i did????? I put my laptop down and did my aerobic dvd there and then!!!!!! Thank you so much. Both of you got me thru today.
When i went shopping earlier i felt so so fat, bulging out of my jeans, i was disgusted with myself. It really gave me a kick up the butt.
Jess we can do this!!! WE CAN AND WE WILL!!!!! All of us can.
I don't have time to catch up with diaries this evening but i will catch up by the end of the weekend :) Again i am so sorry for being such a hermit :blush5:

Ok, my aim for tomorrow. I am not sure that i will fit in any exercise as i am back at work and it is the carnival tomorrow night which Jack is in but if the weather is dry then i PROMISE to go for a 30 min walk in my lunchbreak!!!! There i have promised you so i had better do it. I will still do situps and eat under 1200.

Oooh Thanks for stopping by Mam i really appreciat your support :)

Deep breath Kate, you can do this.
 
Hi sweetie. I can't yell at you I'm sorry, but you know how I feel about it all. You're feeling flat because you have not been nurturing your body & giving it the absolute respect it deserves. I have had many detours since losing that 36kg back in 2007. No-one is perfect sweetie. None of it is easy. Cake or other sugary stuff is never that good that it's worth you feeling crap about yourself afterwards. The weight creeps up so easily if we start having a little bit extra here & a little bit extra there, over & over. It is just not worth it! If I feel I can't stop if I eat something now, then I don't start. Some foods yell out at me! I too have been eating too much for about a week. I gave myself permission to, but I hated eating so much & have dropped back again. You & I are so similar & we need to be in control of what we do with our bodies to feel good about ourselves. I won't have a bar about you giving yourself a really hard time. You have come such a long way my lovely friend & are still going in the right direction. I don't feel that you are starting over again as I don't feel that you stopped. Get that yo yo thought out of your head. It's not good. You have not stopped moving toward being healthy & fit. You are learning all the time, as we all are. Love you too hun, xoxo Cate
 
ARiver Island Day 2

Breakfast: 2 weetabix
Lunch: Ham, lettuce and light mayo wholemeal sandwich, yoghurt & grapes
Dinner: Minestrone soup and 2 small slices of wholemeal toast
Snacks: 2 kiwi's, banana, 2 rice cakes and a granola bar
Total calories = 1045

Exercise:
30 min walk
60 crunches (i notice that i put sit ups on yesterdays post...that was a lie lol they were crunches!)
40 bridges

Back to work today and my uniform feels tight (obviously!!!) i had kinda conned myself into thinking it will be ok, well, it bloody well isn't. That made me more focused!
When i got to work there was a parcel there and i got all excited thinking that it was my 'i'm gonna lose weight to get into these River Island Jeans' Jeans.....I thought that i would try them straight on and that would give me another kick up the butt but they were the jeans i had got for Jack :( Gutted!!
I took one of the banana cakes that i made yesterday to work today for everyone and i didn't have any! :hurray: :hurray: I also didn't have any of the chocolate buttons or twix cake bars that were in the fridge there either :hurray: Very motivated today. Sarah, one of the other girls at work is doing weight watchers so we can motivate each other at work.

I managed my 30 min walk at lunchtime :) I was going to go to the gym after work but just wasn't feeling it (excuses i know) but i will definitely go straight from work tomorrow night!

I am off to see my boy in the carnival in a minute and i am sat here in a pair of jeans and they feel bloody awful!!!!! They are tight on my legs and my belly hangs out over the top!!!! It is disgusting!!!!!!! Which is great because it is making me want to get rid of that as soon as i can.

Aims for tomorrow:-
Eat under 1200 calories
Spend and hour at the gym
not eat anything BAD!!!! The weekends are hard for me so this is gonna be a biggy......Can't remember the last friday evening when i didn't have a treat!!!!

Ok, i had better rush or i am gonna miss it. Love to you all and thank you so so much for sticking with me! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooo, i almost forgot!!!!.............I enrolled on a 'creative writing' course at the college in Barnstaple today!!!!!! Very excited and scared. I never had the guts to do it before cos i didn't want to be 'the fat one in the room' I'm quite proud of how brave i was to do it :) I had better get some of the bulk shifted before it starts on 27th sept so i can actually walk into the room with at least a little bit of confidence :)

Right, definitely going now lol
 
Kate you are wonderfull turning down those evil cakes you have at work......HOW DO PEOPLE EAT THAT STUFF AND NOT GET FAT>>>>?

you gave a lovely idea again i think i will search for a dress or something size 12 to get me going again!i have found this super top i have fallen inlove with its about 50 euro though with post costsand all ,for me that is a little bit over for a top but its lovely.maybe i should save for it!!!!


so glad you did it, the 30min walk!good for you for doing what yousaid yolu would do instead of just sitting around!im really happy you are in the right direction.We have messed up a bit but we still havecome a long way and we are still learning how to eat and how to manage situations in life without turning to food.


I alsoused to go to a free creative writing course a year before i got pregnantloved it.Love writing anything.How did you come up with this?is writing something you do,or want to try out?


sending lotsof love and positive energy!!!




GO KATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
AHi guys

Just a quickie (Jess, i'll reply to that lovely post tomorrow) to tell you about my evening. I met up with mum, dad, my bro, SIL, neice and nephews at the pub and didn't have anything to drink even though i really fancied a beer. Then we stood outside a pizza resturant while watching the carnival!!!!!!!!!!. After the carnival i had to go to the chip shop to get the guys some water and i didn't buy food. Or at the hotdog stand or doughnut stand on the way back either!!!
I sat and chatted with Mark and the others at the theatre while they ate fresh doughnuts INCLUDING HOLDING ONE FOR SOMEONE THAT SMELT DEVINE AND WAS SINGING TO ME.
then they started on a plate of pork crackling!!!!!! When we got back home i had a handful of grapes while Jack ate toast and Mark ate cake!!!!!!!
BUT i bloody did it!!!! I actually did it!!!! Little baby steps, each day at a time but today felt good :)

Everything smelt beyond wonderful and i had nothing!!!!!!! I don't say this very often but i was really chuffed with myself

:hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray:

Yay me :)
 
Kate kate kate. There is a HUGE AIR OF POSITIVITY IN HERE!! I've been doing the same - hiding because things weren't going so well. But sounds like you are back in the right mindset! Well done on the carnival - not giving into temptation!


"I enrolled on a 'creative writing' course at the college in Barnstaple today!!!!!! Very excited and scared. I never had the guts to do it before cos i didn't want to be 'the fat one in the room'"


I thought I was the only one that thought this way!! Literally I thought every time I walked into a room, people's first though about me wasn't that I have great hair or a lovely smile or this or that, but "oh my she's fat". I am coming around to the realisation that this is hugely self centered of me and that most people just don't notice or think that much - they are far too worried about themselves. Of course, I'd like to be noticed...for being hot! hahaha. A big step for me at business seminars was rather than feel awkward about talking to people because I was thinking they were thinking how fat I was, I focused instead on how everyone looked a bit uncertain in their own way and tried to put them at ease. So walk into your writing course, realise that everyone else is probably just as nervous (apart from the class dick...there usually is one!!) and focus on making whoever you talk to feel comfortable - they'll all have you down as lovely and confident in no time!
 
now thatis great Kate im sure you feel way better for standing sostrog,morE in control now.ITS sO GREAT really good for yoU , SO MANY TEMPRTATIONS all overtheplace , that was a HUGE ammount ofcalories there!!!!!

imsoglad you've gotit now!!!!You cando this like youdid it before!!!!
 
AHey Kate, welcome back...been thinking about what to say... You've been, and continue to be such a big help for me. As usual, I'm going to share my opinion...take what you like and leave the rest... I think you might have some yo yo dieter tendencies and this may be the time to stop it once and for good. Rather than beating yourself up and doing the "strict" almost starvation diet, why not figure out how many calories you need to maintain your goal weight, and start eating that many calories today...and take it off slowly...so what it doesn't come back off ASAP? If iyou eat and exercise at your maintenance level, and you get your metabolism fired back up, I'm convinced the weight will come off...I'm living it right now. If you do this, (obviously you can't over do it in "seas of chocolate every day,but, you can eat like a normal thin person, and have some occasional treats...yes, it might take a bit longer to come off, but, when we finally do get to our goal weight, there won't be this big transition to maintenance,,,we're already there!
I don't know if this makes any sense, and the guys on fat2fitradio.com actually do a much better job of explaining it..but I can tell you, what i've just explained is working for me...i get no promotional bebenit fro saying this, and they dont get anything for their work either...just 2 guys heling people with good nutritional info and weightloss lifestyle changes. We've been through a similar journey Kate, ...you 're ahead of me on the road...but we're on the same road!

Hope this helps,

Sarah
 
AHi Guys :)

River Island day 3

Breakfast: 2 weetabix
Lunch: Ham, lettuce and light mayo wholemeal sandwich, yoghurt & grapes
Dinner: Chicken noodle soup and 2 small slices of wholemeal toast
Snacks: 2 kiwi's, granola bar, banana & an apple
Total calories = 1025

Exercise:
20 min walk
20 min run (OMG was this hard!!!!!! I am sooooo unfit again already!!)
100 reps on abs machine
3x12 reps on peck flye
3x12 reps on back extentions

So sorry i didn't post on my diary yesterday....I kinda got seriously sidetracked! I have started watching 'Fringe' season 1 and OMG i am totally hooked!!!!! I love it and started watching some more last night and totally forgot to post. I also forgot about wanting food too which is awesome :)

OK, onto telling you about my day yesterday. When i went to bed on thursday i lay there thinking about stuff and i realised that i'm too hard on myself. My 'healthy eating' has been so up and down over the last 6 months and i have been so angry with myself about it but i realised that an awful lot has gone on.....From finding out that i was going to lose my job, starting a new one (after 22 years with the same person) i know that i don't cope with change and i have been feeling kinda lost, not feeling low much but i have definitely had my moments, just a bit of a hermit. Basically i think i have ignored how this has made me feel and expect myself just to deal with it all. On top of that there is the cat dying and being bitten, which has stopped me from doing my running and i suppose i have used it as excuse to do nothing at all. Anyway, it made me feel so much more positive realising that.

Also, this 'creative writing' course has made me think about writing and i am going to attempt to write about this last year. Probably just for me rather than being a published author, I have my diary on here to remind me what has happened over the last year or so and it might be a good story about the ups and downs of weightloss and coping with it mentally :)

My 'River Island Jeans' came!!!! And they are too small :) I can get them on but they are really tight on my calves, thighs and i can't do them up :) I am so so pleased as it really is something to aim for. I accidently left them at work so i will get Mark to take a photo of them on me on monday! The size 16 jeans really worked last time and i'm determined to get these on and be able to wear them out. I might even have a night out in them to celebrate fitting into them.
I felt so so fat when i went out to watch the carnival on thursday night that i realised that i am never (hopefully) going to go any bigger than i am now. I was actually disgusted with myself :)

Ok, onto today.

River island jeans day 4

Breakfast: 2 small slices of wholemeal toast with light spread and jam
Lunch: Chicken and cous cous salad
Dinner: Breaded chicken, cous cous, salad with light salad cream
Snacks: Granola bar and skinny cappiccino
Total calories =1073

Exercise:
Lots of walking round!

Had to get Jack school uniform today :( It is such fun doing it with a grumpy teenager!!!!!! Lots of walking around trying to find everything. All done now :) We ate out for lunch. Jack had a toasted cheese and ham sandwich, Mark had a chicken, bacon and lettuce club sandwich and i had a chicken and cous cous salad :) I really am motivated right now.
I have had to sort out a training program (got one online to follow) to get my fitness up so i can manage my run at the end of oct so i am gonna be doing lots of running :) Yesterday at the gym was bloody hard, it was a real struggle, it's amazing how quickly i have lost my fitness.

Cate As always, you are right. I felt crappy cos i was eating crappy and not doing anything. And i do need to be in control, if i am not then it just goes wrong in such a big way. Thank you so so much for being there for me mum. Also, thank you again for giving me that kick to get back to it and to stop ignoring everything. You truly are my rock. Loves you :beating:

Jess You said 'how do people eat crap like that and don't get fat' well, you should have seen what the girls brought with them when we went camping!!!!!! They are all skinny, fit teenage girls and they ate nothing but chocolate, crisps (in 2 days we went thru 6 tubes of pringles!!!!) and sweets. I can't believe they eat this and are so skinny!!!
That is a great idea, getting something in a 12 to aim to get into but don't spend loads of money, my jeans cost £6!!!!!!!
You are so right, we are still learning and i think we will be for years.
Regarding the writing course. I have always wanted to write but have no confidence in my ability. I had an evaluation at work a few months ago, to see how i was getting on, with the practice manager and he said that 'i can see an untapped creative talent in you' and it was this and the weightloss that gave me the confidence to sign up for these classes. I have the outline of a book but every time i sit down to write i think everything i do is crap so don't carry on. I also have so many books on writing, creating characters etc. Maybe this is going to be the thing that actually makes me have the confidence and ability to do it. I hope so. I am really scared about it but also excited :)

Jjjay Heya :) I have been 'oh god, they are judging me' every time i go into a room or something. I still want to think it now but i then have to correct myself and i think 'come on girl, you are normal now' It is hard though. I reckon you are right, it is probably in our head, everyone is probably caught up in their own issues.

Sarah Heya :) I totally get what you mean about learing to maintain and getting this last bit off slowly to adjust to a new permanant eating habbit and i will do that once i get back into my clothes fitting comfy again. I am totally grossed out with how tight everything is right now so the next few weeks is gonna be strict. Your advice is always really appreciated hun :grouphug: Hopefully the amount of training i have to do will get it off and get me toned again in no time. My training reigme is pretty hard core!!!! I am actually looking forward to the challenge, my body probably has other ideas but it needs to be done so i am fit enough to do my run.

Sorry guys, i am going to get my fix of 'Fringe' now. I promise to catch up with your diaries tomorrow and monday.

Love and hug great big hugs :grouphug:
 
AWoooohooooo, the "Just Say No" Kate is back :hurray:

The first pair of size 10s that fitted me last time I slimmed down were river island... They were the slouchy boyfriend jeans that were fashionable at the time, I sent a celebratory text to practically everyone on my phone, something like "Size 10 jeans, they fit, they fit, they really fit woooohooooo", I remember that moment well, and it was brilliant, and soon your gonna be having it. Yeeehaaaaaa!
 
Your rock? I like that. I am so happy that you are back on track sweetie as I hate to see you feeling bad about yourself. You have everything to be proud of. I'm glad that you spent that time talking to yourself the other night. It saved me doing it! :smilielol5:Seriously though.....you have been through so much change in the last year & you should not expect to be perfect. No-one is! I do think that, like me, you need to be always in control to feel really good about yourself- we need to eat healthily almost all of the time, do some exercise every day, even if it's only a little some days & forget about being 'on a diet.' I just say to myself that is what I do. I no longer rail against it being fair or not fair. That's how it is. When people say to me now "how do you keep it off?" I answer I eat really healthily & exercise a fair bit & have never felt better & I mean it. It's a great feeling. I think it's bloody fantastic what you have achieved sweetie. I am so proud to know you & count you as a friend. Love you xoxo Cate
 
I've been reading your diary for the past couple of day, I had to skip a few pages here and there because I was so excited to get to the last page and see what was going on and also tell you! YOU GO GIRL! I'm Proud of you and you look so amazing in your pictures, and you're doing such a great job! I loved reading through your posts and I'll be glad to check in with you and see how it's going from here on out!
 
Hey Kate!!! Been a while since I've commented... sorry! I am still reading every day though! I get a bit lazy posting in peoples diaries sometimes... oops! Glad to see you're well and truly back into it... but worried about how low your calorie intake is every day? Is there a reason you are aiming for below 1200?? Because that's like the absolute minimum you should be eating, plus you're exercising (I only ever ate that low for an extended period of time when I couldn't even walk around the house!)... Just worried in the long run you're going to find your metabolism slowed and you'll be losing lean mass along with body fat. I know you're probably feeling frustrated from a recent gain, but you'll lose it in no time... even if you eat a little more. Just looking out for you :biggrin:


Arrgh, totally feel your pain on getting back into exercise too. Incredible how fast hard work can be undone from not doing it for a little while!!! I know you're determined though, and muscles have good memory... so you'll find yourself getting fit again a lot quicker than when you had to do it the first time around. Excited about this new training program you're going to do too- strength is the bomb! And yay for new jeans to get into!!
 
Hey Kate,

Sounds like you are back in control of your life...what a wonderful feeling! With your determination and motivation, you'll be in those jeans before you know it! You go girl!

:driving:


Sarah
 
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