100 Days

Thanks Cate! :) Yes, I am very excited, because I made this my number one priority in life. I will make no compromises this time, I will skip socilizing if it is over dinner. This is temporary, until the new Years Eve. After that I will see what will I do.

This morning I did everything well. Ate a little perga. Then drank room temperature water with lime and a drizzle of honey. Then I cooked spelt with water and a pinch of salt, and at the end of cooking I added a splash of almond milk. I made a quick blueberries jam. Some butter and a teaspoon of sugar, bluberries, on a stove cooked until blueberries realise juice, I smashed some of them. It was very tasty. I added a teaspoon of almond butter. I also ate one small pear.

For tomorrow, I will choose another cereals, maybe rye, maybe barley. It is good to chnage. I was eating oats for almost 8 months every morning. Now I have all these options, and I think, I will keep it this way, eating different cereal every morning. I have 5 different options to chose from, which is fantastic.

I think I should be buying fruits two by two. Because tomorrow I will repeat blueberries, and I am afraid, raspberries and strawberries will go bad. But this is a learning curve, and I will change things as I go.

I will prepare lunch for today and tomorrow. Meatballs in tomato sauce. Smashed potatoes with butter and milk, and cabbage salad. Tomorrow I will cook for Tuesday and Wednesday.

Today is day 1, I have 245 days overall. Day by day, giving my best it will be good.

I have 83 kg again. But it is ok. That is definitely the weight I have when I eat whatever I want as much as I want. And we will see what is my weight when I stick to the plan. I will measure again 15. of May, and I would like to have 81 kg then.

When I start I have an urge to write a lot. Like I feel I need support and structure. As the time goes by, it gets easier for me and I can write less.

I will start cooking lucnh in an hour.
 
Thanks Cate for the support it really means a lot.
I am on my third day. First day was perfect, second and third bad. I ate ton of sweets my main problem. But I have a hypotesis I want to check. On my first dau I had a full breakfast. On my second and third, not. Is that a reason I couldn't follow my plan? Lets check it tomorrow. I will work from home, which means I will sleep as much as I want. And have all the time in the world to make a good breakfast. And we will see how that reflects on my day.
Maybe that is the trick.
 
Oh, my god, I slept almost 12h. I am super exhausted. But ok. I will work till late, and everything will be fine. I feel very good now, nothing is better than a good sleep.
I made full breakfas. And I followed my whole morning ritual. Brushing my teeth well, first thing. Then eating a little pice of perga. After that a glass of room temperature water, with some lemon juice and some honey. Then half an hour break. I prepared barley with some almond milk. Made a quick blueberies jam, blueberries, some butter and some sugar on a stove. I added one teaspoon of almond butter. Perfect breakfast. Last night I prepared lunch for today, red beans with carrots, a stew. So I just have to take a portion and reheat it when I am hungry. But let see how this full breakfast will influence my day.
I woke up at 14h, so my lunch will be at 19.00 or 20.00
 
For me having a decent breakfast makes a big difference but I know my dad just gets hungrier when he eats breakfast. I guess it's just one of those things where we're all different.
 
Hey Llama! Yes, my mother for example never eats breakfast. And she is very slim.
I am fine today, so the breakfast hypothesis is true for me. I have to have the full breakfast.
I cooked beans really well. Soo tasty. I will eat that tomorrow as well, or maybe on Friday, I will see.
 
I have to have a really good breakfast too or I struggle the whole day with cravings. We're all different. I do best on 3 good meals & fruit after 2.
 
3 good meals and fruit is the best for me as well. But I don't know why, I don't have the energy to prepare three meals, and to eat five times a day. I am exhausted. But we will fix that.
Today I prepared millet for breakfast, it is so tasty! I have barley, spelt, millet and rye for once more, and I have a lot of oats. So I will combine, and try to eat something different every morning. For fruits I have blueberries, banana and a pear. Tomorrow I will eat the pear after breakfast. For lunch I have beans, and I will make a salad from cucamber, cherry tomatoes and olives.
Tomorrow, I will make a plan for the following week. But I know I want to eat shrimp curry tomorrow and maybe on Sunday. And I have to see for the other days. I also want to clean my room for the weekend.
Today I will say it is my first day. Beacause I want to start clean. And it is ok for me to follow my plan for 100 days, which is how I started this journal. After that we will see.
 
I have planned my food for the nest six days. I will cook for two days. Tomorrow, curry shrimps and rice. And a cucamber and olives salad. Sunday the same. Monday, Tuesday pasta with tuna, broccoli, corn and tomatoes. Wednesday, Thursday quinoa salat with chickpeas and feta cheese. Then I will plan again. This day was perfect.
 
Shrimp curry is soooooo good. I really enjoyed it. I could eat much more than I did, but ok. Hope I won't be too hungry in the dinner time. If I drink only water for the rest of the day, I will call this day perfect as well.
 
Yesterday was a wonderful day. Had a alunch with friends I made here, and it was so relaxing and enjoyable. All girls. I felt really accepted, and welcomed and nice. I felt the wormth, which I really need. I didn't say anything stupid. After socializing, I usually have a ton of self-doubting toughts, and I feel usually bad. But yesterday was amazing, not a single tought, just the pleasant feelings.
After that I had a call with a friend I really love, but with her I felt anxious. I felt like I am talking about stupid things, I was negative. I really love her, and she is a great friend, but I will try to pay attention on how other people affect me. And I want to spend more time with the people I feel nice with.
Food wise, everything is going ok, I am following my plan. I am on my fourth day today.
 
How you feel around other people is so important. No matter how nice someone is if you always feel exhausted or otherwise bad after talking to them it's not worth it.
 
Thanks Llama for the comment. I definetely have to pay attention to this.
On the other hand, I decided to go back to the dating scene. And oh my god. I have to say it. Are the family values lost in the western world, or is this app just crazy. Bisexual, pansexual, open relationships, hookups, non monogamous and the list goes on. Nobody wants to commit. It is completely different in my country. People are in a serious relationships and want to have a family. I cannot imagine a pansexual person. Vast majority is family orientied. The second thing a noticed is how unmature the people are. Having 40 years and living a life of an adolescent. Just thinking about where to travel and what to do for fun. But again that has to do with starting a family, being an adult and taking responsability in life.
Really strange. Completely different way of life. In one hand it is ok for me, since I am single and 38, and here that is not strange, in my country that is a disaster.
I read a novel almost ten years ago, it is actually a series of stories, from one German author cannot remember the name now, and in all the stories there was this unableness to connect with the other person, the people were kind of self orientied, with no willingness to give up a piece of their comfort so that they can build a strong relationship.
I really value family. Both of my parents are not from Belgrade, so I had no family there, and I was seeing them only for winter or summer holidays. I truly believe I lost a lot for not having them near. They are my strength. We say brother and sister even for cousins. So I have 7 brothers and 4 sisters. And I feel that as a huge wealth. I am close to all of them, except for one brother, but even with him I am in a very good relations.
I don't know what to think. More than anything now I would like to have a supportive and loving partner, to have children and to raise them close to our families. To be all together. My family is my strength in the most deep way possible. They ground me. WIth them I am never down, nor I fly to high. I am just where I need to be. They are my therapy.
I feel the same way with closest friends. I need that feeling of conectness, that is very important to me. I will pay more attention to this in my life. Once when I was going to therapy the therapist told me I should have circles of friends. Some will be near some more far away. For me that is very difficult. Because I don't know how to make this distance. I am either very close or nothing. Which is stupid. But I don't have a clue how to make those different circles. No idea. On the other hand it filters itself. One of my friends, and I should not even say close, because all are close haven't called me for six months. But, it is like that for years now. And from the inner circle she moves. She moved herself, I didn't do a thing. Also one friend, well that one was not close, but he was calling me every single day to talk, oh my god, it was too much for me, and he is so needy. But I didn't set the boundaries with him, other thing a therapist told me to do, but she just tells me what to do, without any instructions on how to actually do it. So I know I should be setting boundaries, but have no idea how that works in real life, and what is that. After I left he didn;t call me a single time. But, ok I called him. No problem. And then he, who has all the free time in the world, and who wanted to talk for hours, again the boundaries, has something to do, and literally escapes the conversation. Then he stopped responding to my calls, and I was calling once every few weeks, he just texted me day later: "Is it something urgent?" I said that to a mutual friend, and she was like, maybe he is busy. But on the other hand he called my sister to have drinks with her. My sister who is not his friend, and he cannot respond me. Bye bye. He himself left the circles. And if we wern't a big group of friends, I would break every contact with him. But I cannot. He is the part of that group, and when I call everybody I cannot say no to him, I don't want to make drama. We are like a family, and he is a bad cousin, but I have to see him on a family lunch. But I will never in my life call him again to talk. Neither would I respond to his calls if he changes his mind and starst to call again, but I am pretty sure that will not happen.
It is good for me to write a lot I feel like I am taking the load off my back.
I cannot wait for the moment to be totally indiferent to that friend. To not feel that he manipulated me, used me, played games with me, rejected me. If I don't respond his call, I am washing dishes for example, he calls and calls and calls. I could easily have 13 missed calls for him. But I had a conversation with him, and we solved that thanks God. Then he was molested me as a women, and he was mad at me for not wanting to hug with him on a bed. He told me I was cold and I forgot what else. But I saw that as a manipulation thanks God. He does whatever he wants. Then when I resist, he talks to his therapist about it and learns. He uses me as a live toy for his personal progress. And not just me, everybody. But other people don't let him behave the way he wants. I don't have boundaries and he can do whatever. Like I spent so many hours with him on stupid things. And then he just erases me like I don't exists. Since that 'is it urgent' message, I never called again, he of course didn't and that was months ago. I am of no use to him, so he just cut every contact. Of course I am mad. I am mad at myself for letting him suck my energy and time. But ok. I hope I learned something from that. I am not sure I did. The only thing I know is that person doesn't exist for me anymore, but I need time to become totally indiferent. And yeah. Ok, first thing I will not mention him again, I swear. Neither in my diary, neither here, neither in real life. Super toxic person and I am an easy target for those kind of people.
I feel bad now. I shouldn't think about him at all. But I will leave this here.
 
I know that it does me a lot of good writing about how I feel in my diary. I think sometimes we need to see how we feel so that we can process it. I often do that & go to delete half of it, but usually leave it there. It really does help me to solve a lot of issues. Learning to have boundaries is really important. No one likes to feel used. Put that toxic friend in the past, but learn from the experience. Speaking up when things feel wrong or when someone doesn't treat you properly is the best approach. Don't be afraid to let people know how you feel. You have as much right as anyone else to be respected & to have boundaries. Just googling "how to set boundaries with friends" will give you some help.
Your lunch sounds like it was nice :)
 
Milaanna said:
Are the family values lost in the western world, or is this app just crazy.
Click to expand...
Not really, most people still end up settling down with one partner and having kids. But that most often happens in their late twenties and early thirties. By the time you're in your late thirties most people who want kids already have them. The people who are still single at that point usually have a reason for it: they're super shy, or terrible partners (or were when they were younger), or extremely busy, or they enjoy dating but not relationships. They could just have lost their long-time partner. Or maybe they're working abroad for a while and aren't really looking for a serious relationship until they get back home.
Milaanna said:
Bisexual, pansexual, open relationships, hookups, non monogamous and the list goes on. Nobody wants to commit.
Click to expand...
Most bisexual and pansexual people I've met were monogamous. Think of it like this: just because you're attracted to men doesn't mean you want to have sex with every man you meet, right? In the same way a pansexual person can be attracted to people with all kinds of gender identities but that doesn't mean they're attracted to all people and it doesn't mean they don't want a committed relationship with one partner - it just means they don't care what that person's gender is.
Polyamory is a whole different beast. it can still be perfectly ethical and committed: it just takes more work because there are more people and therefore more feelings involved. Quite a few people suddenly claim to be polyamorous after they've been caught cheating on their significant other but the two really have nothing to do with each other. Some monogamous people are shitty and cheat. Some polyamorous people are shitty and cheat. The problem is the lying and the cheating, not the polyamory.
Since you're looking for a monogamous relationship you can just swipe whichever is the wrong way for your app on anyone who has the wrong thing in their bio the way I would for smokers and cat lovers: not because they're bad people but because they'd inadvertently kill me.
Milaanna said:
We say brother and sister even for cousins. So I have 7 brothers and 4 sisters.
Click to expand...
I have 3 sisters and 35 full cousins: your family math would probably kill me too! I love my sisters and some of my cousins but by Jove I couldn't be close to all of them 🙈
The guy who was so clingy and so mean to you was clearly not a friend. Do you know Captain Awkward? She regularly goes into detail about setting boundaries and while she's a lot more liberal than you are I think you might find her blog interesting, if only to see how many other people are struggling with setting boundaries. Maybe this one could be a good start? https://captainawkward.com/2012/08/...e-of-the-creepy-dude-how-do-we-clear-that-up/
 
Dear Llama and Cate,
thank you so much for your support, kind words and helpful advices. I most definitely have to work on learning how to set boundaries, and how much I give and expect in relations.

Food wise, everything is according to the plan. I am really satisfied with the way I eat. In 9 days I lost 2.1 kg.
I will measure myself next time on 1. of June. NOw I have 80.9 kg. Let's hope I will be below 80 in June.

I have bought a ton of stuff for breakfast. But that was a mistake. First of all it was very, very expensive, second it will take months for me to finish all of that. I bought macadamia nuts, which are too expensive, very nice, but the price is too much, so I will not buy that any more. I bought some hazelnuts to have instead of a almond butter, and I have to say, I prefer butter. Hazelnuts are perfect, toasted, but when I eat them alone. In oatmeal, the flavour gets lost somehow. So I bought a jar of peanut butter.
I will now just state what I have bought: poppy seeds, hempseeds, cranberries, pumpkin seeds, sesame, cacao nibs, cacao powder, coconut like chips. Too much.
 
The things that you bought should last. I have them all in my pantry but in glass jars & stocked up yesterday. I won't be buying any cacao powder or nibs again. Having a dried fruit medley is good for having with overnight oats, but I get too tempted to eat dried fruit if it's in my pantry & don't trust myself with it.
Well done on being 2.1 kg down already. That's wonderful. You'll be in the 70s in no time! :)
 
Great job on the loss! I agree with Cate: that's all stuff that'll last a long time so it's ok that it's a lot. And if it lasts you a long time it's ok that it was more expensive because you won't have to get more for a long time.
 
Thank you girls! Yes, my pantry is now full, nice and tidy :) I made oats with cacao and peanut butter this morning, it was amazing. I added strawberries and a small banana. It is like dessert, what it actually is.
Because my favorite food is desserts, it is good for me to have a healthy option every morning. I really enjoy it, and it keeps me from having sweets cravings during the day.
It is my 15. day today. I was completely following my plan. Which is indeed very simple.
Two meals, BREAKFAST and LUNCH.
Breakfast = Grains + Fruits + Nuts + Honey
Lunch = Vegetables + Protein + Carbs + Fats
And that is it. Every Saturday I make a plan for the whole week. Then I do groceries shopping. And then I just prepare what I have planned every day. I might go once or twice more but just to buy fruits and veggies. Which is fast.
So it is going well. I want to follow this plan for 100 days.
 
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