Emily Rose: The Reboot

- Thanks Cate.
- Thanks LaMa.
- Hi Rob. The meditation workshop I just went to talked about how you shouldn't associate your habits with who you are as a person. So it would be wrong to say 'I am an alcoholic' but I have definitely had problems with drinking in the past. It's not something I want to give up entirely, because I do enjoy it when I am out socialising, but it's the alone drinking that I really want to stop. And I have so far this year, and I intend to keep going with that.

The workshop was really interesting. He talked a lot about accepting that just because you form bad habits as a way to 'cope' with life, it doesn't mean that you are a bad person. You should approach any problems with cravings or addiction from a place of compassion. I think over the last few years, I have really started to do this. I acknowledge that these dependencies are not doing me any favours, but at the same time, I'm not writing myself off as a person because of them.

He talked a lot about how our world is so full of distractions and people are constantly looking for the next 'thing' to make them happy. What they don't realise is that you will never find fulfillment or peace from the external. It has to come from within. Then, when the shit hits the fan, you will be a lot better able to cope, and won't turn to food or alcohol or drugs or whatever your 'thing' is to try to help you to manage. You will just be there and able to stand on your own two feet and face it.

He said that when you are addicted to something, you have a deep-seated belief that it will make you happy. 'That cake will make me happy.' 'That glass of wine will make me happy.' 'That guy will make me happy.' And sure, they might make you happy for a while. But it won't last. And you'll go through your whole life feeling sort of empty.

Anyway, there's a lot to mull over. I know intellectually that the external stuff is nice to have but ultimately not that important, once you have your basic needs provided for of course. But it's hard not to think, 'If I was 10 stone, I would be beautiful, and life would be so much better', which is one of my belief systems that I need to sort out. I need to work with what I have now. So that is what I intend to do.
 
That all makes a lot of sense Em. I think we all do that to an extent . If i was a size 10, if I had that new couch , always striving to be better or have the next new thing . I think we all may have some addictive traits and mine would be eating . I try to avoid alcohol as a lot of alcoholics in the family so I think you are making fantastic inroads to not drinking alone . That’s worth a 1000 steps forward imo .
Baileys hard to resist as it the deluxe Lidl Irish cream . It’s good hearing you sound happy
 
Sounds like an interesting day! I'm somewhat the same with sweets as you are with wine: if I'd only have chocolate/desserts when out with friends it wouldn't be a problem *at all*.
 
The meditation workshop - it all sounds really good, Em - zeroing in on very widespread delusions about happiness and how we get there. (Because there is no "there" - there's only "here"?).

That was pretty impressive to read, too, re: the bottle of Bailey's on Friday night. And in general, that's terrific, that you haven't drunk alone all year; that's a major accomplishment - making the decision and then implementing it.

Is the moving-in still going on over the weekend - are you actually settled there now?
 
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- Thanks Petal.
- Yeah, it's a tricky one LaMa. We'll get there.
- For sure Cate.
- Hi Amy. Yep, settled in here now, more or less. I still have most of my stuff at home, but I have enough for now.

Disaster day today. Please stop reading if you don't want to hear about the latest blow-up...

Okay, so, today, the new manager girl basically fobbed off a task onto me. It was a really small thing but I guess some resentment has been building there, so I was really annoyed about it. I foolishly went into her office in the afternoon to discuss it with her, and it just descended into a huge argument. I don't actually know why I went into her office because I knew the reaction I would get would not be a good one, but I did it anyway. :iamwithstupid:

Anyway, she basically accused me of coming into her office in an aggressive manner, which maybe I did because I'm just so frustrated by the way she deals with me most of the time. She said that she thought the way I spoke to people in the office was really rude (a number of times) and then I just said that the rest of the office had nothing to do with it, it's about our relationship. She kept saying how aggressive I was. I had mentioned at this point that I find her quite condescending and that she doesn't speak to me in a nice manner sometimes, and then she went off on one about how we'd had a run-in while on a business trip and I had been aggressive to her then and I defended myself saying she basically made up a team night out to one of the other managers that never happened. Then she was like, 'I'm not going to be steamrolled by you', 'I can say what I like to anyone'. 'I won't let anyone call me a liar', all the while reiterating my general aggressiveness and rudeness.

It was a disaster.

I asked her if she had a problem with me, and she said no, and that to be honest, it was all in my head. She minimised any of the stuff I mentioned that she did, she said that we could go into the boss's office right now and discuss this, but I'd better have my examples written down of when she spoke to me in this manner. I said to her that she was speaking to me like that right now and she said that was because I came into her office aggressively.

It just kind of ended with us going back to the task and I just said we're all busy and she should have just done it herself.

I don't know what my next course of action is. Her points on me being rude to other people on the team... Have I been? Sure, I don't deny that. I find it really difficult working in that small office all the time, and sometimes I let the stress get to me and I'm short with people. Is that a great trait to have? Not at all, but I'm trying my best with this. I'm not rude every day, haha. And actually, I would say I have a better relationship with more people in the office than she does, despite my 'aggressive' ways.

I'm annoyed with myself that I even bothered because she actually only compounded the fact that I really can't stand her and there's never going to be a good relationship there. I just don't think she's genuine in the way she goes about her business. At one point, she said she thought we were similar in our 'blunt communication style', that we're both 'busy' people and she always thought we communicated well. I don't know what to make of that, but I don't think it's really true. I am not a fantasist and maybe I have blown up some minor things that I should have forgotten about, but the fact I'm not the only person in the office who thinks that she talks down to them and is just ignorant at times means that there is definitely truth in what I am saying.

I know I'm not a bad person - maybe she's not either - but I really didn't come away from that encounter feeling like we could ever see eye to eye, to be honest. I just think there's a really sneaky, nasty side to her, and I don't want anything to do with that.

I can be rude sometimes, but it's more out of complete frustration than trying to upset anyone. I really do try to get on with people and have a laugh. I don't really gossip too much about the team. I want people to like me, you know? But I just think she's tried to get under my skin since I started in the job with her snide comments, and I just couldn't let it go today.

I also got hauled into a meeting with the office manager where she said I 'tried to make her look stupid' in the team meeting this morning. I had just made the point that everyone should help on this huge project we're undertaking, but she took it as me accusing her of landing it all on one girl's lap. I just said I didn't mean that at all and I was sorry, but I really don't think the place is worth it anymore. I think it's time to move on.

I'm upset about today, but I also think maybe it's a good thing to just to stand up and say what you think and feel, and you never know, maybe some good will come out of it. I will stand by everything I said, I have no fears on that count.

I know what type of person I am and I don't feel bad about having a temper or getting overemotional or being sensitive. I am working on those things - you know I am, with the yoga and workshops and all that stuff. I just feel bad that today happened really. But I'm going for a swim now and I'll try to forget about it for the rest of the night.

Thanks for reading. :)
 
Oh, gosh - what a disaster. :( Oh, hind sight. :( Mind you - I've been there, once, several jobs ago - into the organisational superior's office and hot words spoken - the word "guff!" was uttered in heat - though I can't recall by which of us. And I've been there with office games, too, with notice of meetings being deliberately withheld. So... I have plenty of fellow-feeling for you here.

As for a next move - well, you were at a disadvantage when she pulled that stunt of:
Emilyrose said:
... we could go into the boss's office right now and discuss this, but I'd better have my examples written down of when she spoke to me in this manner...
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So a clear next move is to document. Not that I'm thinking of you going to upper management, but that she may well be putting complaints in to them about you, and you want to have your position clear. Though you say you might be ditching them anyway... ?
I was wrong - the clear next move isn't to document - it's what you went and did already - a swim, a change of scene and of pace and of focus. And I hope a good night's sleep. :hug2:
 
- Thanks LaMa.
- Cheers Cate.
- Thank you so much Amy. We were actually both hauled into the boss's office the next morning, as everyone heard the fight. So that was the next saga...

I won't get into that too much because I've gone through it and thought about it way too much in my head already. I basically just restated my position that this girl talks down to me a lot, is very condescending and makes minimal effort. The meeting went on with us both stating our sides of the case, but then...

The girl said that she's not a psychologist but she assumes that because it was a 'personal attack', I must want something that she has. She made the analogy that it's like looking at someone's BMW and deciding that you want that. She basically tried to insinuate that I'm jealous of her and that's the only reason I have beef with her. Not her conduct towards me at all of course!

What an absolute narcissist to the core. She really showcased what 'level' she thinks she's at and where she thinks I'm at. I am not jealous of her in the slightest, I think I have loads of things going for me. I just think the way she implied that she's a BMW and I'm - what - an old banger? was one of the most insulting and rude comments I've ever heard from someone. Luckily, I feel like she scored an own goal with this, because she said it in front of our boss and office manager, so I hope they picked up on it as well. It really just compounded my argument - she doesn't treat me like we are equals because she doesn't view us as equals. I was kind of having doubts about speaking up, but when she said that, I was really happy that I did.

I went home and told my dad about it tonight, and he was like, 'Well, she's a right little madam!' Haha. I wasn't trying to completely slate her, but I told him the above, and he really thought she showed her true colours and they're not good ones.

I actually think it's a good lesson for me, because if I ever do get all the things I want in life - optimal health and fit body, lovely man, house, great job, etc., I hope I always treat other people with courtesy and respect. I can be rude sometimes and maybe standoffish, and seeing it from this side, it's really not a nice way to operate. I want to make people feel good about themselves, not put them down to try to make myself feel powerful or more important or whatever it is.

Anyway, I hope things settle down again. The whole office is making a huge effort to be super nice to each other, so maybe some good will come of this. I obviously have not spoken to the Queen B yet, and I don't think my boss knows how to resolve the rift. I am a bit worried about it, but the can of worms has been opened - no going back now, so I just have to face it. I pray it all works out okay.
 
I'm really glad that she has shown her true colours, Em. That is an own goal. People like her show us all how not to be.
I hope things settle down too.
 
The man who's been your friend around the office - does all this impact on him? Or is he in a different section? Not that I'm suggesting talking to him about it, because I'm definitely not - the situation sounds too delicate for you to risk any chance that it might look like you're playing office politics. But I'm just wondering if he or anyone among your workmates has expressed support.

I'm glad the whole office is working on decent human politeness to each other - as you say:
Emilyrose said:
courtesy and respect
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Oh, yes - more of it, please, human race! And kindness. Long may the new state of things in the office last!
(But be aware of the need to document anyway; this whole thing could suddenly leap up again. :( And since she mentioned documenting, in an unguarded moment, my guess is that she is compiling a dossier, that it's her standard modus operandi.)
 
Not trying to defend the queen B but I'm assuming the BMW was supposed to represent her new position. And I hope you looked as baffled when she said that as you sounded up there; if you did everyone must've noticed it was nonsense.
 
- Thank you Cate. Today was better.
- Hi Amy. The guy in the office is impacted because the whole office is really - there is nowhere to hide when the shit hits the fan. I haven't discussed it with him because he is friendly with the other girl and it's probably not fair. If he brings it up some time, he's probably the only one I really would discuss it with. Other people mean well but they're like me and would probably blab some of the stuff I said without even realising it, so I wouldn't take the risk. But he has been friendly and sent me an email today to discuss a new idea for a project we're working on, which hasn't happened in a long time (I feel like we're still in recovery mode), so I know he's at least not against me.
The rest of the office has been super-friendly and a few of us went for a walk together today, so I definitely feel I have a huge amount of support, even if it's only implied. So that's cool. And it's actually lightened the load for me a lot. I realised that maybe the other people in there like me more than I'd thought. That's the impression I'm getting so far anyway.
- Thanks LaMa. Whatever she meant, it came out badly I think. :)

So, as mentioned to Amy, work was so much better today. I had a short talk with the boss and she was really cool and basically totally understands the situation and just said that if I need to, I can talk to her at any time. I felt that she really did believe me and empathised, and that's really comforting. Obviously, I'm going to try for a drama-free rest of the year - just keep the head down and do my work and hopefully, things will calm the fuck down. It's been way too crazy this year already.

I used food as comfort this evening - went and had a huge pizza and chips, then went to a shopping centre and ended up buying expensive moisturiser and body cream that I probably definitely don't need. I realise that I tend to spend a lot of money when I feel like things have kind of spun out of control. At least I didn't go trying on clothes - that would have been the worst thing to do this evening.

I'm probably suffering with a very minor case of PTSD, so I'm not going to be too hard on myself for eating too much today or overspending. It is what it is.

On another note, I watched Taylor Swift's new Netflix documentary last night. There was a really interesting part where she talks about her body, and how when she was a size 00, she thought she was doing fine, but actually, she had just stopped eating. Now she's a size 6 and she said it's so much better - she actually has the energy to perform her shows and not feel completely wiped out at the end of the night. I think she looks gorgeous anyway, but she said if she sees a picture of herself where she thinks her tummy is sticking out, her mind starts to spiral, and she has to consciously tell herself, 'We don't do that anymore.' Actually, I'll include the link - I think it's really powerful.

My point is that you have to consciously work to change these unhealthy thought patterns - even Taylor Swift has to, and she's a superstar! The biggest thing for me to learn is how to think about myself in a way that I no longer want to eat badly and punish myself for not being perfect or things going wrong or whatever the case may be. It's taking forever, but I'm not giving up.

 
Hopefully, things will calm down now, Em. It sounds like your workmates are offering their silent support & that must be some comfort. Take good care of yourself, Em xoxo
 
Oh, Emily! I'm feeling too rushed right now to watch the video, but it sounds really on-point - I'll check it out this evening.
The situation at your office - it really does sound like you're in a good (if emotionally exhausted) - sounds like yes, there's a lot of silent support. And yes, agreed, probably best to keep it silent in (apart from talking with the actual boss).
Hugs - if you've bought that expensive skin cream, then go for broke and pamper yourself with it! Hugs again, and look after yourself.
 
Em sorry to hear all about the drama in your office . It all sounds pretty high charged . I kind of get the impression you all are very creative thinkers and things just easily blow up . At least it had all calmed down so let's hope it remains that way.
The documentary is meant to be excellent. I have no real interest in Taylor swift but I heard it recommended as a must watch .
 
Hey Emily, just catching up after my travels, and you have a lot to catch up with. I hope your office drama settles down, I know that is no fun. Can you focus more of your attention on things outside of the office, fun things? Have you been out lately? If not maybe you should get out. A pretty young woman such as yourself needs to be having fun.

How goes the diet battle? Focusing on that a little could make you happier.
 
- Thank you Amy.
- I really liked it too LaMa. Bottle of wine at home alone - 'We don't do that anymore!' :)
- Yeah, it's really good Petal. I don't know about 'creative thinkers' but 'big egos' for sure. ;)
- Hi Rob. Yes, I suppose I can, but the thing is that work is a massive factor in my life. I don't have a partner or kids or even a cat to worry about. So it takes up a huge amount of time and energy in my brain. But I am meeting a friend tonight and a group of friends tomorrow night, so I'll use the weekend to unwind a little bit.

I'm feeling very low today. After lunch all the fight had gone out of me and I just felt like sobbing. I guess this situation has just brought back old traumas from school. I thought those days were behind me, and here I am again, being treated like shit and basically told I'm worthless. I don't know why there are certain people out there who see me and think they can treat me any old way, that I am someone to be made fun of, put down, or just plain ignored. What is it about me that makes them think that's okay? Maybe I am still angry actually. But I am definitely feeling sorry for myself too.

I think my battle with food has a huge amount to do with all the bullying that I was subjected to. And it wasn't run-of-the-mill bullying that everyone goes through. At one point, my teacher had to tell the whole class that they had to be nice to me, because I was so isolated. I was 10 at the time. I remember how awful it was feeling like everyone was all of a sudden my 'friend' because they were forced to be. It's really not a nice place to revisit. And this has pushed me right back there. I used to spend my lunchtimes sitting at my desk reading a book because no one wanted to talk to me. I know I'm an adult now, but that feeling of rejection is something I've never really got over. And I've kept punishing myself over and over again because of it.

And now, here I am, 33 years old, and I've been told by a colleague that I must only have an issue with them because I want their life, or some aspects of it at least, which shows how little value they see in me as a person or the life I have. And that makes me feel so small. I feel like that 10-year-old girl again. Maybe I've never left her behind.

I don't know what to do next. Any advice?
 
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