Wherever I Go...Here I Am!

HereIam!

HereIam!

New member
:sifone: I never smoke but I like the icon. Also, I feel rebellious and frustrated so, this also makes it seem appropriate, as well.
I don't feel rebellious about eating right... I feel rebellious because
I'm not eating right, and I WANT to eat right.
What will make me feel better?
Eat vegetables and drink water...
Exercise...
Prepare my clothes for the next day...
Clean my house...
Prayer.

Those are the daily things that really make me feel ready for the day.
If I don't do them, I feel stuck, the entire day.
So. Why don't I just get over it and...
do it?

I'm not normally negative. I'm just frustrated to tears and rather mad at myself right now. Worse than anything, I feel rather hopeless in this moment.
I do feel a bit better getting it off my chest.
Maybe if I post and be really, truly honest,
it will help me to feel unstuck. :angelsad2:

xo
 
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more thoughts

I weigh 176.2 lbs.
More thoughts, I am glad that this is called a "Diary", because I hope to use it as such.

Sometimes I get really frustrated that I spend SO much time THINKing about losing weight! Does anyone else feel that way??? :iagree: Seriously, it's like, I can't push a button and lose weight by worrying in this very moment in time,
so why don't I just live my life?

I want to go and do some cleaning and act as if my life is normal. By all outward appearances, it IS normal, but I'm havin a very bad Saturday with feeling horribly Stuck (that word keeps coming up).

I think I feel like I can't move on with my life until I'm not bothered by my overweightness. But the problem is, I'm staying overweight partly because I'm not moving on with my life. It is as vicious a cycle as they come.

So I'm going to start with right now. I'm going to go and exercise, which is my top goal for the day besides besides prayer to The Higher One.

Other than that.

I'm going to go exercise. Gah.
 
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HereIam- You have made a good start by starting a diary. Sometimes we just need to clarify in our own minds what we want to do & by being honest with ourselves, for eg. adding your weight, you are getting off to a good start. I personally think it's best that you don't feel bad about being over-weight because starting a lifestyle change is easier if you have high self-esteem & are positive. Try writing down some advantages of being slim & how good you think you may feel if you were slim & it may help you decide what you will do. Read as much of the nutritional advice(the sticky's) in the forum as you can & keep posting. It is very therapeutic & there are so many in here who will help you. Thanks for visiting my diary. Cheers from Aus, Cate
 
Clarification

I typed this entry yesterday (Sun. 3-22-09) but didn't press Submit:
"I weighed Today, 172.2.
Aw, thank you, cate. You are so kind to come to visit me here out of all the hundreds. I love your lil ladybug avatar! tee hee!

I felt so discouraged yesterday! it felt like it was hard to simply type out what I was feeling... Seems like there's this voice that says more and more as time goes by, 'you'll never do it, look at your history. You used to do it but now you can't anymore. Your time is over.' Isn't that horrible???

Could it be... :reddevil: ?
lol

I woke up this morning with little smilies in my mind (the icons crack me up), and a little song in my head. I love new days~!

I remember what I wrote yesterday when I felt like I was in the darkest tunnel. I said,

I feel stuck if I don't exercise, eat vegetables and drink water, pray, lay my clothes out for tomorrow, and clean my home.

There is nothing I can do to get away from that. If I don't do them, it is as predictable as rain in Spain (it stays mainly in the Plain, eh?). And when I feel stuck, I will eat. Physics. Gravity. Stuck=Overeat. And, eat badly.

If this is true about me, then, logically, I need a new song, a new tune, a new paradigm.

This means I simply must put these things first.

Okay. Clarification."
 
I weigh 172.6 lbs.
Today, i am dreading, a little.
I would like to say I'm jumping into it with both feet, but, again, I vainly know that I won't look smashing in my clothes, so it takes away that "zip" to gettin ready.

That is so vain! But I did clean and clean yesterday, and I did organize my shoes, and I did clean my car yesterday. This is fabulous! I do need to pray and eat veggies and drink water and lay out my clothes. This, I did not do. Each one of these things, well, lacking any of them, really, trips me up, mysteriously.
Onward to a paradigm, onward---. Well. Maybe it's not a paradigm. Maybe it's just surrendering to what I know I need to jump into a day and not end up feeling like I'm in circles. :ack2: Whatever it is,
Here I go.

Oh, goals! Goals! Goals are.... come, on, Self. You can do it:
prayer, exercise hard, eat veggies/drink water, clean on house, lay out clothes for tomorrow.

It doesn't hurt to get 8 hours sleep, either! But... well, one thing at a time.

BTW, I didn't finish entering my caloric total for yesterday... I use The Daily Plate at Livestrong dot com to total my calories and really love it..
 
Hi HereIam- Thanks for visiting my diary. I think it would help for you to start trying to build your self-esteem. It's easier to follow any sort of program of self-improvement if you can first feel good about yourself & be able to convince yourself that you are worth it & worth loving. It makes anything & everything much easier. Take "baby steps", don't try too much at once & set yourself up for possible failure. Work out exactly what you want to achieve & the advantages of doing so. Write them down & remind yourself every day. If it's that you want to be slim & healthy write some things down. It helps you to move forward to trying to achieve your goals. The ladybird is the real me- a bit quirky! Cheers, cate.
 
Something to Think About

cate said:
Hi HereIam- I think it would help for you to start trying to build your self-esteem. It's easier to follow any sort of program of self-improvement if you can first feel good about yourself & be able to convince yourself that you are worth it & worth loving.
Click to expand...
Aw, Cate. How true this is, how true. And baby steps! I love!

How do I do that? Build my self esteem, I mean? I am not proud of some choices I made and so I'm probably chronically mad at myself... very contradictory to loving myself and convincing myself I'm worth it/worth loving!

I definitely have a challenge. Woo! :svengo:

Lol my husband just came up and said, What are you doing?! It's bedtime!

That means I'm going to bed, with a bit to think through.

...
 
new day

New day but, it's afternoon.

I weigh 172.6.

I think I better jump in with both feet. If I go fast enough, maybe I can make time go backwards. :eek2:
 
hi hun!

I can related to how frustrated you can feel at times. especially how awful it can be getting mad at yourself for not doing something that seems so simple like a healthy life style. I've started countless times- I know eating veggies and exercising is what I need. but for some reason I tend to self sabotage.
the important part is that you continuously start over- keep track of your progress day by day and reward yourself for those big sacrifices every week. we tend to stare at the big picture- day dreaming over that amazing 30-40 lbs we want to lose instead of focusing on those 2-3 lbs now.

good luck and if you need anything let me know!
 
thankyou

Thank you so! I do tend to look at the length of the journey (the jeans size of it), rather than the smaller increments. I am still thinking of how to build my self worth as Cate mentioned... That's hard! Dr. Laura Schlessinger used to say you build your self esteem by acting in a way you esteem.


Deep breath! Take a look at where I am now. Take a tiny step. Exhale.
 
Here I am checking in before bed. ...! WEll... I think I'll go finish my caloric total at The Daily Plate and be right back.
 
ok...... i did great, but then...... I eated. Late. At night. When I shoudl've been asleep.
Should've. Didn't.
 
middle of the night

It's 5:30 am...... I planned to sleep at least until 9; I woke up at 5 or so.

I think I've slept badly because I ate right befor bed. I don't know if there are real studies about not sleeping with food on your stomach, but my body is kind of yelling at me. :puke:

Gonna try to go back to sleepies.
 
I weigh 172.4.
Morning and all is well on the home front! It's a new day! My goals...
Prayer, or rather, :bigear: (listening);
veggies and water,
exercise,
clean on house a bit,
lay out clothing for tomorrow.


The biggest challenge of them is all is to lay out tomorrow's clothing.
I've been striving to do this off and on for a while now.
Why's it so hard for me, why the resistance? First, if I were the size of body that it feels good being, it would still be hard, because it feels as though I'm taking the newnes or the "surprise" out of the day when I do that. As if I'm borrowin tomorrow's wonder by choosing the clothes for it today. As if it takes the suprise out of it. I no iDEA what I mean.. just tryin to find words for a feeling, however dorky. .......:svengo:

I have to make about $5K at work this/next week. Times are truly tougher! I need to get a bee and get it back in my bonnet! :toetap05: Anyhoosers.

So.... Here, I go. But, when I get there, there I"ll be.
No more tomorrows! Today. Today! :gnorsi:
 
Thoughts

THOUGHTS...
I just turned 41! Gah, like I mentioned in someone's post, it isn't as easy as it used to be... My metabolism is more of a crawl than anything resembling speed, lol! But I use Livestrong.com (the daily plate) to enter every scrap of food I eat and I"m committed to doing that every day for the rest of my life.

I can't deny losing weight is DEFinitely harder!!!!!!!!!! But every effort and step, it's worth it... In being honest about a slower metabolism, I have to also be honest with myself that I also turn to food more often than I used to at a younger age. I think I eat faster, too...(which leads to more quantity I suppose). I have less of a tolerance for hours going by without food, whereas when I was younger, I didn't worry about it quite so much. I'd just think, OH, I ate an orange. And not worry when I'd eat next and when I did, I did and if I didn't, oh, well. ... Now, it's more of an obsession to lose weight.... which makes me notice more when I HAVEn't eaten... it's kind of a dorky backwards obsession, because wanting to eat less to lose weight.. makes you concentrate on the very thing you want to be moderate on.

I
Want
to
Lose
the
Diet
Mentality
Yet
Still
C=H=A=N=G=E.

IS THAT POSSIBLE??? I think it is. I'm not sure.
I saw a video of Angelina Jolie (and of course, Brad Pitt), with clips of them in various situations, and they went on and on and on and on (think: the mathematical symbol of pie, on and on forever).... about her sheer beauty; her lips, her smoking hot eyes, her "way" about her... etc. ... they got other people to comment on her beauty and rave, as well (on and on and on). ... and, as I watched, I conceded, "Um, yes, she is quite possibly one of the most beautiful creations God ever made, and so is Brad. But, here I am, doing what they're doing on the video, adding to the pot of people who are "declaring" her physical beauty." So they finally showed a very short clip of Angelina, and I couldn't understand what the Microphone People asked her (she was on the red carpet or some such), but she responded, "Um, I try to be spontaneous. I don't analyze myself."

That was taking a looong road to repeat my earlier dream of losing weight, changing, moderation, altering what I eat, exercise, whathaveyou, without a Diet Consciousness... much like the Me of former years....... and I think I was saying that her comment kind of nutshells what I am thinking: saying, "I don't really analyze myself."

Something to think about. Or, not to think about. Whatever floats one's boat. As long as it doesn't sink, eh?
 
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Hey there!!! GREAT post hun! love it love it. How hard is it to NOT analyze yourself!!! Great advice.

Hey i cant feel ya on the turning 41 thing yet... as i am only 23.

HOWEVER, the almost 5 years since ive been in highschool... have totally kicked my butt in regards to weight gain.

thanks for stopping by my diary and hope to hear from you again soon! :)

Melissa
 
Greyghosthunter, Thanks, Mister, and, HIA, back to you. Sigh. I do know "what" I want... it's getting there, getting there, getting there... (sigh again) :driving:
have a great day!
Melissa! You're a baby still! lol I remember people saying that to me, so I thought I'd pass on the legacy! hehe, but you're very wise my dear!! Yah, it's weird, how not to analyze yourself but still DO what you need to do. Gah. It can be done.

I'm sure of it!!!!!! (i hope...)
 
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Hey HereIAm! I'm new to the site as well and I see you are starting in the right direction! You and I are about the same weight and we can get there, I promise! Be positive and trust me girl, the 40's are the new 20's! Rock it!
 
Maybe the Answers Are In Movies lol

I weigh 170.4.

Yes, I do know what I want! It's making choices that get me there... doing what it takes, over and over. I can get the "over" part... it's the "Over and Over and Over" part that trips me.

See, I will remember what I want all the time, but making changes will last a short while, then I think I can take a break and go back to my old way for a bit.. I reassure myself that I'll "be back" after this... thing. This late night snack, or whatever it is.

I'm getting a clue that I have, well, a teflon brain. Do you know what I mean?
I feel like the movie 50 First Dates, where I have to remember ALL OVER AGAIN what I need to do
to be relaxed in my skin (healthy, not overweight.)

But my life has historically been like Groundhog Day, where I keep repeating the same dumb old stuff.

Has anyone seen that weird movie, I think it has Christian Bale in it, but it is a rather odd flick, called "Memento"? The thing that fascinated me about it, or rather reminded me of myself, was that his memory would expire every few minutes... he had to leave little sticky notes all over, and I think wrote on his skin or even had tattoos, because he'd "come around" every few minutes with no memory... no memory of who he was, where he'd come from, no sense of truth about himself.
...So, he'd come around with a blank slate and think, What the h***?? And, he'd see the little sticky reminders and reassemble who he was and what was going on..

Arg, that's me!!!
That's why I am diarying.
That's why I'm tracking my food at Livestrong.com (The Daily Plate). That's why. Because I forget. :smash: :smash:

And I don't want to forget, anymore.

Onward, upward, forward, blah, blah. :hug2:
 
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