Weight Loss Journal

Month 2 Day 7

Holy shit my body feels like rubber right now. I got up nice and early today and went to the gym. I did the cycling class at 8:30 and then the bodypump class at 9:30. I increased my weight a bit for a couple of the muscle groups. Next class I will probably increase my weight for the squats and back.

The scale this morning read 135.8. I knew yesterdays number was low!!! Evil scale! I'm soo happy to finally be back into the 135's. I'm just over 2 lbs away from my lowest weight. I'm also just over 10 lbs from my goal weight!!! Once I see that TRUE 134.x number I'll be in the single digits and can start counting down to my goal instead of up in terms of lbs lost! It's freaking exciting. I think I'm just going to tough out the no drinking for a couple more weeks. Until I see a number I have never seen before. Then I'll have a couple drinks when I go out with my friends. Nothing crazy though.

I'm feeling really good today. Cory is becoming less and less of a constant thought in my head and it makes me happy that I'm not stressing over him on a 24/7 basis. I need to forget about it and just be happy with all of my current accomplishments. Eats today will be back to my usual. Maybe some fish and rice and veggies for dinner.

Anyways I guess that's all for now!
 
Month 2 Day 8

Oh my God I had the worst night ever last night. So Cory messaged me during the evening and asked if I wanted to come down after work and of course I said yes and I was soooo extatic!!! I put on my skinny clothes when I came home and I even bought a small thing of gin to drink. So I messaged him to see if he still wanted to hang out and he never messaged me back. So i waited and I waited and I sent a couple more messages and nothing. So I went to bed. How fucking immature is that? He could have at least messaged me and said "you know what? theres been a change of plans" Or "ya I think we should make it another night". But instead he just doesnt even send me one fucking message or anything and I'm sitting at home fucking waiting and waiting for a response. I'm way more pissed off than disappointed that I didnt get to hang out with him. Only a fucking jerk would do something so childish as to not respond with a simple yes or no to a simple ass question. UGH!!!!@$@#%@%!

Anyways.....other than that the day went well. I had a yummy grilled chicken dinner from work with veggies and 3/4 of a baked potato. I went on the scale today and it was 134.4!!!!! I actually ripped some price tags off some old clothes today and I'm wearing them for the first time. I'm feeling really confident in them too which is great!!

This morning my mom, sister, and I went to Cora's for breakfast. I decided to try something other than the peggy's poached. I got the crunchy crepe. It was a whole wheat crepe filled with banana's, cream cheese, honey, and museli cereal. I told them to go very light on the cream cheese and the honey. The first one that came out was definitely not light on anything. So I sent it back. The second one was much much better and it was sooo delish!!! It came with a side of cottage cheese and fruit. MMMM I'm sooo full now though and I think I made a pretty good choice. My dad wants to take my sister and I out for lunch/dinner lol so we shall see how that goes.

One downfall to going to breakfast is that I missed my rpm class at 10:30. I havent quite figured out what I'm going to do instead because I'm probably going to be pretty busy today. I'll write later with an update.
 
Oh my god the cravings are getting soo bad. I am getting them everyday. How do I stop this?!?! It's driving me insane!!! I had ONE single solitary french fry today and it tasted like a grease filled potato. Definitely not something i want. I wanted to eat everything today though. I don't know why and I don't know how to stop it! It's only going to be so long before I cave in!! I need help people!!! Suggestions!??!!?
 
Month 2 Day 9

Things are going good today. I woke up early this morning and jumped on the treadmill. Once I got on it seemed like I was running for so long and when I checked the time I was only 15 minutes in!! It was pretty hard to continue running and finish the 10K but I did it. I ran at 6.5 this morning. I actually had to push myself a bit. I think I'll have to run at this pace for a little bit until I feel more comfortable then I'll increase it. So I ran the 10K this morning in 56:35. Another PB for me. I may actually try to run the actual race in under 55 minutes. Hopefully I'll be quit smoking by then and it will be fairly easy to get that time.

I fought off the cravings last night to the best of my ability. I grabbed some water in hopes that it would help. I had about 4 grapes when I got home and like 3 finger pinches of Kashi cereal that my mom just bought. Then I went to bed.

Today I don't really feel like I'm craving anything. I'm back to my usual eats for the most part. I had fiber one for breakfast with a coffee. My snack was cottage cheese with apples, cinnamon, and sweetener. I'm currently eating lunch which is a chicken sandwich on rye with mustard, FF cheese, and lettuce. It's pretty yum. My second snack is carrot sticks, broccoli, and cherry tomatoes with about 2 tablespoons of hummus. Dinner is a salmon steak with 1/2 cup brown rice and I'll probably grab a salad from Harvey;s.

I'm feeling kinda off today. A little weird. I kinda feel like I'm missing something yet again. I feel really unmotivated too. I don't really want to go to my class this evening. I still haven't decided if I'm going to just suck it up or not.

The scale didn't tell me anything new today which was expected. I ate a lot of DIFFERENT food yesterday and I guestimated my calories for the day. In addition, I didn't exercise yesterday. Going to Cora's for breakfast threw off my whole day and then when I came home from work I was too lazy to do anything.

I have a couple assignments to do now so I'm going to get 'er done.
 
Wow, well done on that run! You have a really good pace! You're my role model!!!

I'm still running regularly... 7km at a time now... 3-6 times a week :D Got a 10km race on the 21st, eeee!!!

That's so dick of Cory to blow you off like that!!!! I mean, you were stood up!!!?? Bastard.

Hmmm, your usual eats sound a lot like mine... I'm gonna catch a few tips :p
 
Month 2 Day 12

Well quite a bit has gone on the past couple of days. We can start with the eats and DRINKS. I went to the bar on Tuesday for my friends bday. I told myself I'd have just one drink cus I'd probably never drink with him on his birthday after school is out. So I had one drink. Then Cole convinces me to have another drink. After that drink I was drunk. We all decided to skip class and have more drinks. Then Cory messaged me and wanted me to hang out. So I sobered up and went there. Everything was cool. I had a pita for dinner and they had popeyes. Then we went to his hockey game and his friends gf autumn and I went to the bar and got one drink. Then I caved and had some hummus and pitas. I also had some chocolate a few hours before.

I slept over at Cory's and went to school yesterday with no lunch packed. So I decided that just for the day I'd eat what I want and I'd get back into things today. So I did just that. I had chicken finger with a poutine for lunch and popeyes for dinner. In between I had a danish, an aero chocolate bar, and a huge jumbo chocolate chip cookie. When I got home from Cory's (I went back there after school) I ate soo much. I had a slice of toast with nutella, a pudding, two bowls of lucky charms and cinnamon toast crunch, and a granola bar. Oh and some cadbury mini eggs. Then I went to bed.

I also didnt workout on tuesday or wednesday. I'm back into things now and going for the last 10 lbs at full speed. Eats have been back on track today and I went to the gym this morning and did body pump, then ran for 20 minutes. I plan on doing the ab bootcamp toight. I didnt go on the scale because I know I ate bad and I just dont want to see the number. I'll wait a few and hopefully I can see 133.x.

So thats the summary of the bad. Now heres the good.

I've set a date that I want to be 125 by and that is May 24. That means I'll have to lost about 1-1.5 lbs a week. Very attainable. That weekend usually marks the beginning of summer and to be at goal would be HUGE!!!! I'm so excited!!

Cory and I are back to talking and hanging out. It's like we never fought. It's so amazing. Honestly words cant describe how happy I feel. I am really going to focus on taking things slow this time around. I think it will help us to keep things fresh for a longer period of time. I'm really excited to see what the future will hold with us....right now we are just finding our groove again so I'm not getting my hopes too high just yet.

Well I gotta go to class. I think I missed some small points but I'll talk about them later. Have a good day :)
 
Month 2 Day 13

Honestly I can't believe what I'm allowing myself to throw away here. I did have another bad night of eating. After my healthy dinner it all went downhill. So now I need to step it up before it becomes a consistency. I'm getting to goal by May 24 no matter what, and I'm DEFINITELY not going backwards after getting THIS FAR!!!!

I've tried to think of a couple things to help me out with this problem and to get me through the last 10 lbs smoothly. I've decided that I'm going to buy a food log book and record all my eats in there. Maybe I'll even add a little daily motivational quote at the top of each page. Just something to push me to the end.

I have so many reasons to motivate me to get really thin and I don't know why they didn't come into my head and stop me last night. Only after the damage was done did they come in. I don't want to disappoint myself so I HAVE to stop this NOW and keep on pushing to the end. The confidence in myself is a little overcome with extreme disappointment and mild depression at this point. I gotta get out of this and start feeling good again and get this body toned. I know I can do it. I've done so much so far. I can do it!
 
Yes Amanda you can do it!

I think you are too hard on yourself when it comes to having bad moments. You are human Amanda and it happens to all of us. Take note and move forward, don't dwell on what you could have done or what you did wrong. And remeber you've done awesome so far! Remember the lifestyle change you are making includes those moments, as long as they don't become the lifestyle... if that makes sense.

Keep your head up and I'm still here cheering you on! You can do it girl!

Hows the running coming?
 
Thanks Dee. the running is coming along. I haven;t run another 10K since the one with the 56:35 time. I'll be running 10K tomorrow morning though. Thanks for helping me feel better, and you are right about us being human and making mistakes. As long as we can bounce back from them then there really shouldnt be anything to worry about. It's all about bouncing back though.
 
And you will bounce back Amanda... you did before and you will again... I know it! :)

You're running is very inspiring! I wish I could run as fast as you, I sometimes think I'm just not built for it... but I do try hard!
 
Month 2 Day 16

Well I'd be lying if I said I haven't been avoiding this site. Things got really out of hand for a while there. I've been eating like shit since Wednesday and feeling like shit since Wednesday. I am so disappointed in the lack of self control I've had lately. It's rediculous really. I don't want to throw all the good stuff away. I want to get to my goal and feel confident in my skin.

The past few days I've been eating to the point of pain. All disgusting bad food. I worked out once or twice in that time. I've felt so depressed the past couple days and really self conscious because I can see that I have put on some of the weight I lost. I don't want to eat like that any more. I want to be confident again with my body and continuously build confidence with the weeks that go by.

Today is my first day back to the grind. I went on the scale today to see how much I put on (even though the weight was false because of water retention, eating just before bed, and my body being full of waste) and it said 143.4. It's a number I did not want to see ever again but I guess thats the consequence that I face for my actions. I am feeling a mixture of depressed and joy today. Depressed at the set back I've caused myself, and joy because I know I'm back into this good eating and exercising. I honestly think that I can still finish the month off in the 134/133 range. I also think that I will still hit my goal by May 24. So as long as I control myself I am not really too concerned with any of this. It's a learning experience. The most important thing I learned is that drinking is not acceptable until I am in the 120's lol. Even then I am going to drink casually and very little so that I don't have this terrible snowball effect again. Tomorrow will be my first test. It is St.Patricks Day and I will be going to Cory's game. After that they are all drinking at his house. I DEFINITELY wont be drinking. IT"S JUST NOT WORTH IT!!

So today my eats have been great. I had fiber one for breakfast and my cottage cheese with apples for snack. Lunch was a small bagel with light cream cheese and smoked salmon and a side salad. My other snack was apple slices with PB and dinner will be half a salmon steak with rice and brussel sprouts. Tonight I am going to the RPM class with my cousin. I can't wait to get 'er done. I just want to shed this stupid mistake.

Tomorrow morning I'll do a 10K run since I wont have time to do it after school. My lunch and probably my dinner will be packed so that I have no excuse to eat bad. I don't even know why I'd want to eat bad when all I've felt is disappointment, insecure, unmotivated, and depressed. Doesn't make any sense.

So it's back to the grind today. Hitting it hard till the end. NO FUCKING EXCUSES!!!!
 
Month 2 Day 19

And the fucking up continues. I'm getting pretty frustrated. I had really good intensions this week seriously. I caved into St.Patty's Day festivities though and got drunk. I DID resist getting food before and after the drunk. Unfortunately the drinking consisted of high calorie beer. UGH! So I slept over at Cory's house and woke up yesterday with honestly good intensions. Not overly good intensions but good enough to end in a deficit for the day. I had a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast and didn't eat again till lunch. I decided to go for some pad thai since I was in toronto and it was so easliy accessible. I told myself I'd just eat that and have a light salad for dinner and then run when I got home. Well...... the light salad turned into pizza and a jumbo chocolate chip cookie. Then.........it got worse. On my way home from school I decided to get some wings and just fuck up the whole day to the max and start fresh today. So I got two lbs of wings. I also had a bag of chips and about 5 ADDITIONAL chocolate chip cookies. Holy shit.

I went to jump in the shower this morning and notice the weight coming back on. I'm anything but pleased at this point. I'm so upset. Cory is making comments on my being smaller and here I am packing it all back on. I don't want to have another summer of self consciousness. I want to feel really good this summer and be able to wear anything I want. I saw a gorgeous corona bikini today in wal mart and just want the smoking hot body to go with the smoking hot bikini this summer.

So here I go again. Back into the good grove. Now that I've fallen off it's harder to stick to the good eats. I have to though because I'm just going to keep gaining weight if I keep going like this. So no more drinking. St Patty's is come and gone and I have given into all of my cravings now so I think I'm ready to push through now. I have just over two months to my set date of achieving my goal and I still plan on meeting it. It probably wont be nearly as easy now that I've got some extra weight but I'm going to try my hardest to get there.

Eats today are good. I'm severely craving sweets though and I don't really know what I'm going to do about it at this point. I've got to come up with a solution to satisfying my cravings without feeling guilty and thus binging. A low cal cookie or something that I reward myself with at the end of the day. Maybe I'll invest in some protein bars so I get some good out of the sweet. I don't know but I have to come up with something!!

Tonight I plan on doing some form of workout. Not sure what yet but I'll update when I get it done.
 
So I came home today and did a workout DVD. It was a billy blanks DVD that I hadn't opened yet. It was actually a really good workout. There was lots of twisting and core stuff but not so much leg work. Overall a good tape. I sweat quite a bit so I'm happy.

Just trying to get through the rest of the evening munchie free.
 
you've lost soo much weight!!!! I wish I could get motivated like you, starting to get into it now though :) well done!!!!!!!!
 
Well I cracked yesterday. I ate like shit. I also said something that was meant to make someone feel better and now Cory is mad at me again. Un fucking believable.

I think I'm beginning to feel actual depression.
 
Well I'm feeling pretty glum today. The one thing I hate about Cory living so far from me is that when he gets mad at me I can't just go over there and talk till things are better. Instead I have to sit here at home and question whether hes still mad at me or if hes gotten over it and what hes thinking and stuff. It really makes me anxious and nervous and it takes control of my mind and my emotions.

When we got into that big month long tiff I at least had my weight loss to be happy about, but lately I'm so ashamed of the way I look and how I've just destroyed everything. Now I don't really have anything to counteract the disappointment. It's just complete disappointment all around.

I have been doing good today. Regardless of Cory being upset with me I managed to find some determination to get a workout in. I did the same tape I did last night. My shoulders, back, and abs are pretty sore from the workout yesterday which makes me happy. All very good target areas for me.

I've noticed that when I get upset or depressed I like to fill the void by spending money. During the time that Cory and I got into the first tiff I got a new phone, a new pair of pants, and new glasses. I just made an appointment to get my hair cut. I don't know why I do this. Thought I'd point that out.

Well I guess thats the update for today.
 
So yesterday I had a meltdown. I felt so depressed. Cory is mad at me yet again. I'm starting to think that its him and not me. He's getting mad at me for the DUMBEST things. He is overreacting to the highest point. He asks me why I did this or how could I have thought it was OK to say this or what could have ever possessed me to say that and then I give him an answer and he says "ya that makes no sense to me" or "well that was a stupid thing to say" or "that is so dumb" and he makes me feel like I'm a moron and like I'm worthless.

I sent him a message yesterday morning at 7 just clearifying something. He sends me back a message at 8ish saying "WHY WOULD YOU MESSAGE ME AT 7 FUCKING AM!??!?! I COULDNT GET BACK TO SLEEP!! THANKS!!" Like holy shit someone fucking stop the world Cory couldnt get back to sleep. And I know that's not really the point, I should have sent it later in the day but he doesn't have to fly off the handle like hardcore. Then he goes and says "you thought I was mad before? You dont want to see me" So now I'm fucking scared shitless to even try to talk to him. He's put me in this corner in the fetal position scared to make a move. So that's one thing that's got me really down.

The other thing is the weight loss. Or I should say weight gain. I'm still eating like shit uncontrollably. I don't even want to eat the shit I just do anyways. So yesterday I broke down and started crying when I was talking to my mom. I'm so frustrated because I am gaining weight and on top of that Cory is overreacting over some miniscule little nonsense and is making me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Overall I just feel like a waste of a life. I did something yesterday that I never would normally do. I bought some sleeping pills and slept all day to run away from my stress and frustrations. Talk about being depressed.

I'm feeling a little better today because I am starting to realize that it's Cory not me. And I am trying to eat good today. I went to the gym this morning and did the step class. It was pretty good.

Well that's whats up for now. I'll post with any updates. I'm hoping I can begin to feel better soon.
 
Well I was avoiding this site today but i am so bored so I just came on here. Last night I got drunk. I also got stoned during the day... which lead to about 10 chocolate chip cookies. I had fries at work and then a slice of pecan pie. When I got home from the bar I cooked a pizza and ate THE WHOLE THING! THENNNNN I had a grilled cheese!!! How did I fit it all in? I have no idea but I did.

I'm trying to have a new mentality today. I talked to my dads girlfriend this morning about my whole cory situation and she agreed that he has a problem and that I'm not really at fault here. Regardless of the initial arguement, he has an anger issue and over reacts way too frequently. She also told me that we need to learn to love ourselves first which got me thinking about the food I'm eating. I now plan to have an "If I'm not going to love myself and feel good about myself after having it... then I'm not going to have it" mentality. So far the day is going good....as it usually does. I'll usually crack in the evening. Sooo I'll keep everyone updated on how this all plays out. I've got my fingers crossed for a good day!!!
 
Hey. Wow, Cory sounds really aggro! And he does sound irrational, I feel for you.

Hope your new mindset works, I'm giving that a try myself!
 
Shit i've been avoiding this site like the plague. I'm still eating like shit and I just cant seem to get back into it. Today so far as been one of the better days I've had lately. I did have two cookies but that's it for the munching. I am really starting to get embarassed with the way I look and I need to change it. I've gained back all my weight sadly... I do know that I can lose it quick as soon as I get back into the swing of things. I have good intentions just a poor will power at the moment. I havent worked out in a week and a half. I was going to start back up yesterday but I got cursed with being sick and my lungs are just very disfunctional right now so no heavy breathing for me.

So theres quite a bit to update with the boy situation. Well Cory is a fucking moron and we never made up after the most recent fight. He said that he does forgive me when I do stupid things but not talking to me for a week is hardly forgiving at all. So we are no more. I started talking to this guy a few weeks before Cory and I ended shit and he kept wanting to chill and I kept bailing. He was soo persistant though on meeting me and shit so I finally met him like almost 2 weeks ago. I didn't really think anything of it and then something fucking crazy happened. He started to grow on me like soo much now to the point where I really like him. So we are like super gaga for each other now and Cory missed the boat lol. His loss not mine. Anywyas so at this point I just want to look soo good for the new guy (Chris.....another Chris!!) and just start losing weight again. Once I get over this dreaded cold I'm fucking back to the grind for good. No excuses.
 
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