ups and downs and shifting around

I think that God would want you and your children to be safe and secure. If that in the end means leaving your husband, I think it's okay.

I didn't believe I'd ever get divorced, don't personally think it's right, so leaving was hard for me. He made it easier by leaving me a few times, so I was able to say that I wasn't leaving, I just wasn't letting him back in. For me, that made it easier. I got the paperwork, and took care of the proceedings, but he was the one that walked out. Emotionally, I had already walked out, but physically I was still present.

I didn't realize until I started dating my current husband what a mind job my ex had done to me. I didn't trust Josh and would interrogate his every move because I was sure he was doing the same to me as my ex did (cheat- didn't find out till after our divorce was final). It took me years just to trust Josh, but he thankfully stuck by anyway. When he would go out with his friends, I'd be scared he'd yell at me when he came home. He's NEVER yelled at me or given any indication he would, but I'd be scared anyway. I was just so used to it.

So yes, I think it is a form of brainwashing, or conditioning.

Is it healthy and safe for you and your children to stay? If you've done everything you can to make it work, which it sounds like you have, I think you can leave guilt free.

((((hugs))))
 
We're not in danger here. I don't play games with my kid's safety. If I was that worried, I could have him removed from the house. I know some of my options, even if I do not know exactly who to call. I have been looking into things for years. My hubby is military and things are handled more effectively and seriously. They can't deny that some men snap. Not to mention, his Dad would help. His dad is awesome. My hubby's brother was bi-polar. (he died 2 yrs ago) After raising him, his Dad can handle darn near anything.

I decided on a couple things last night. I'm going to get serious about my weight loss again. I let is slip. I've been a little off. I haven't been eating well so my body has been suffering. I didn't think I was depressed, but I stayed tired, restless, irritable, etc. So, we all say that. But I told myself I would do this and I already feel better. I ate a normal amount of food yesterday (not devouring everything in sight like I have been) and it gave me the boost to do it again today. Sweet!

I also think that I should go get a job again. My hubby has this weird schedule, but he's off 2 days one week and 5 the next, and it alternates like that. He'll be my baby-sitter because I don't trust anyone else. He gives me $100/mo for myself. It was more, but he bought me a nice car, so I cut it in half. Point is, all my money will go into a savings account that he can't touch. Just like he can't touch my kid's money. <<<smart move!>>> He has gone looking into the kid's accounts, only to find out he's not allowed access. Jerk. :/ Anyway, the money is for "incaseshit" purposes.

So I feel much more optimistic today. And I need it.
 
Plus, I am MARRIED. Vows under God. And as much as I pray, God won't tell me whether it's ok to move on or not.
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There's a story that comes to mind about your above statement - sometimes we do get signs that it's time to do something - but it's not always obvious - I've written this elsewhere but it really comes down to if you are ready to leave or not... when you're ready - you'll do it... you are the only one who can make that decision for you - just listen to your heart and your head...

There was flooding in California. As the flood waters were rising, a man was on the stoop of his house and another man in a row boat came by. The man in the row boat told the man on the stoop to get in. The man on the stoop said, no, God would save him. The flood waters kept rising and the man had to go to the second floor of his house. A man in a motor boat came by and told the man in the house to get in. The man in the house said no thank you, God would save him. The flood waters kept rising. Pretty soon they were up to the man's roof and he got out on the roof. A helicopter then came by, lowered a rope and the pilot shouted down in the man in the house to climb up the rope. The man in the house wouldn't get in. He told the pilot that God would save him. The flood waters kept rising and the man in the house drowns.

When he gets to heaven, he angrily confronts God; "I keep kosher, I go to shul on Shabbat and I pray every day. Why didn't You save me?"
"What more do you want from me?" asks God. "I sent you two boats and a helicopter."
 
SoSel said:
In a way, I'm giving myself an option. I can go back to 160 and be happy. But I can always shoot for 140 after the fact. And since I am short, 130 may be in the cards for me one day. I just don't want want the drama and the dissapointment of really high standards.
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Hi Sosel! Welcome!

That is exactly what I do. I have my ultimate goal...but I break it down into 10 pound incremental goals to focus on...otherwise, I am overwhelmed by how far I have to go. I seriously focus on just that number until I reach it and then set it out for the next one. Right now, I have the number 144 written on a small piece of post-it note and stuck on on my computer monitor.
 
Thanks for all the advice and tips and tales and support in general. :] I spent about 2 hours on the phone today with my best friend and we have decided something- there is no reason for me to move to Germany. (However, there are about 5 million reasons NOT to go.) In her words, "You can go to Germany later. It's not going anywhere."

So the thing that I want to do for me is this: I really really really want to go back to college. And, darn it!, I will. For me, it's win-win. He should be happy too. He always complains about wanting time to himself. Have it! Years of it may sound cruel, but so does being yelled at every day. I'm so exhausted with it.

I know this isn't the end of the drama. In fact, it's going to make things real bad around here. Bear with me. I don't know when to break the news.

He's home....
 
Hey you - I just wnat you to knwo that i am thiking of you :):):) I hope you have the guts to stand up to him and I hope you can handle his retaliation...

I think you made the right decision...
 
I did not tell him last night. I just kept my distance. We watched the Illusionist last night. The way he LOVES her made me cry. And my hubby kinda noticed. But he doesn't involve himself with my emotions. And it helped re-affirm my decision.

I already have my ap in for this local tech college. I need to contact my last college and high school for transcripts. The only thing that I find hard is doing that, and keeping my mouth shut about my intentions. Then there's day care registration, paying for that and gas, and I'm a little scared. ::shrugs:: I had an interview set-up back in March for July. I'm going to do this. I guess getting a job will be put on hold for now.
 
SoSel said:


I already have my ap in for this local tech college. I need to contact my last college and high school for transcripts. The only thing that I find hard is doing that, and keeping my mouth shut about my intentions. Then there's day care registration, paying for that and gas, and I'm a little scared. ::shrugs:: I had an interview set-up back in March for July. I'm going to do this. I guess getting a job will be put on hold for now.
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How will you afford all this with him away ???
 
I get the Pell grant for school- and then there are student loans if I don't qualify (which I KNOW I do). As long as my hubby and I remain married, he HAS TO care for me financially. (the military will support me in this) If we divorce, there is garaunteed child support as long as he's in the Army. The goal is to find a job that I can support myself and my children with financially. And, as he well knows, I need to do this no matter if we stay together b/c he could die. We could all die, as little as we like to think about it. I don't really know where I can come up with the extra money for daycare. It's going to be a struggle. This state does not have Head Start (for 3 yr olds) and 4 yr old kindergarten is only half-day (which he can't start until next year). We will clear those hurdles when we get there. The goal is to get back in school this August. I mailed off one transcipt request this morning. I have to go to my high school in person on Monday.
 
I'm glad for you. I think it's great that you are doing what you need to. And your friend is right, Germany is definitely not going anywhere! Last I heard, they don't have earthquakes there so it's not likely to fall in the ocean...

As for daycare, when I first started out on my own, my county has a daycare assistance program. It's not headstart, but they pay a part of the cost of day care for any day care you choose as long as it's licenced by the state. I unfortunately didn't qualify, but a friend of mine paid 8$ a week for her two kids, yes, TWO KIDS! Call your county and ask if they have a day care assistance program. They may have something to help you. However, you may not qualify if you are still married. I'm guessing your husband makes a decent amount in the army, but they may be able to advise you on how to start the process of applying for any sort of financial aid if you become divorced.

I wish the best for you when you tell him that you don't want to go to Germany.

And extra big ((((HUGS)))).

See you later hon!
 
I still haven't told him. He's on day 4 of being smoke-free and he doesn't really need to be approached with what he considers "feminine hysterics." Speaking of which, that stupid jerk insulted me repeatedly in front of our neighbors last night. We all felt a little better when he left. There's one thing to make jabs in jest, but another to bash someone in a poor attempt at sppearing fun. And guess what he was bashing me on? Being, in his mind, an "unproductive housewife" since he came home to a cluttered house and unmade bed. He has no idea that instead of weakening me like he's used to, he's building my defenses against him.

On my eating and weight-loss, I have seen a slight improvement and I am very much consciously eating better. I know it makes me feel better. And I do feel much better. I need that boost. I need it like I never needed it before.

And Tuesday I have a hair appointment because I need help with my thin and limp hair. And Monday I'm going shopping with my best friend, to an outdoor concert with my mom and brother, and -hopefully- to comfort my best friend since 4th grade. I'm all excited. Dunno if I'll have a chance to get online tomorrow or not.
 
I'm glad that his comments didn't bring you down. Being home with a young child is not easy. Not only is it being home, it's the not having an adult to talk to. I went on a one week vacation just me and my daughter and was about insane with lack of adult conversation after just the week! Doing it daily, you're a stronger woman than I am.

I'm glad that overall you are feeling better!

What are you planning on having done? I so want highlights again but hate keeping them up. Then my hair looks funky because the highlights are only in the bottom half of my hair... so then I have to cut it short and I love it long... ack. I'm just lazy when it comes to hair I guess. Nearly always a ponytail or clip for me.

Have a great time shopping and at the concert! I hope your friend is doing well.
 
Back!
I weighed in Monday morning at 198 even. One pound re-lost! This is old territory. ::shrugs:: Still happy about it.
I had my hair cut and it looks pretty hot. I don't care much for styles so I'm really glad some senior stylist lady took care of me today. She had ideas and I let her do whatever. I would like my hair colored again, but the money for the upkeep is insane. I, like every woman, like to look good. But I'm too cheap to go all-out. hehe The truth has been told.
Umm... Oh yeah! My bestest friend is flying in from LA in a few weeks! I'm sooo excited! I'm just worried about what we're going to do. She has all this money (her parents own a bunch of McDonald's), and I'm some poor Army wife. She already wants to go this Cirque de something (no, not Soleil, but along those lines), that's gonna cost me 50 bucks. She seems to think 50 bucks isn't an extravegance! Yeah... And shopping and drinking and her every whim. Ugh. I love her, but she is spoiled.
The hubby situation is still unstable. I haven't told him yet. :(
 
I spend way too much with some friends, too. If I don't see them often, then I'm more okay with splurging, but when it becomes to often... then it's frustrating.

I want to do highlights, but don't want it to look funny when it growes out and I don't get it touched up because I'm too cheap, too :). Looks like we have something in common! Cheapness. It's a virtue.

Keep us updated on the hubby situation.
 
Still haven't told my hubby. This is so not like me. I blab everything to that man. ::shrugs::

I'm so excited about seeing my best friend again. It's been 3 years! My hubby is being so cool about volunteering himself (and his parents) as sitters so my friend and I can have all this fun. Which is gonna be a little hard b/c I hafta worry so much about money, but that's life, right? When she's done with grad school and becomes a psychologist and I become a lowly paralegal (not that I'm complaining!), things will be the same. Always. But she loves me for me. More than alot of people are willing to. So I just want to be happy and not stress.

My eating habits are strange again. I'm just not hungry. Wonder if it has to do with telling the hubby something I don't want to. Whatever the case, I have a reversal of my problem from earlier this month. I hope I'm eating enough to help me lose weight. It seems like I can never even things out. Weird...
 
have fun with your friend - visits like that are just what the doctor ordered -and if things are financially tough for you to do somethings -do tell your friend - you arent looking for charity -you can find thigns to do to spend time together that doesnt cost money :)

you'll tell your husband when the time is right - dont stress over it so much
 
I told my husband today, because I almost told him last night when I was toasted (almost drunk). I figured it be better to tell him sober. He didn't like it. He threw a fit, blamed everything on me, all the usual, and concluded by saying that when he goes to Germany, he wants to end this marriage.

I almost cried. Almost. Then I remembered that he has been putting me through hell for a looooooong time. I love him. I'm not quitting him. He's quitting me. So I didn't fail. And he can't blame it on me.

But, in all honesty, the next time he wants to get laid, he'll come back to me and make peace. And I'll let him. But I want to go to college. So I'm going. I rarely ever stick up for myself. I need to do it.

In other news, on Monday I weighed 198 and this morning I was 197.8, which isn't a humongous change, but my pd started Wednesday. I think I'm doing great! :) It's amazing how when things get the toughest, I find a way to dig in and make things work for me. And my kids- always for the kids. When I tried to talk to my hubby today and he started in on me (not that I didn't raise my voice a little), my kids gathered around me. I felt so loved! And I know I'm doing the right thing.
 
Well girl good for you - I am sorry for how he reacted but I am so happy you finally told him...have fun with your best friend :):):) Forget your worries and live a little while she is here !!!
 
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