I've been needing to post this for myself for quite sometime. it's intertwined with my weight gain, and may be some of the reason why I see road blocks for my weight loss. All in all, this post will hopefully be the cathartic process that I need it to be.
For anyone that doesn't want to read a long, drawn out depressing description of my previous 5 year relationship-skip ahead!
So lately I've been letting my ex (who I shall name Skeletor), take space in my precious head- and I need it to stop. So, I am going to use this very public, non-intimate place to go through our history, the events of our break up, the events post-break up, and my current happiness, to wash this bastard out of my head.
5.5 years ago I met Skeletor at school. We were in the same undergrad program, and wanted to continue onto graduate work. We had a lot of the same ambitions, motivations, and interests. I thought he was a great guy, and fell instantly into my first love and first LT relationship.
7 months into our dating, we decided to move out of our parents homes (I was 21, he was 24, and this was our first time living out on our own) we got a cute little place and I thought life was bliss. By this time I had slowly stopped seeing my friends, and only spent time with him. He didn't really like my friends, and kind of made me feel the same way. He didn't have a job, which meant I worked more, and spent more of my money on us...and he got into playing poker as a living.
He finally realized that he needed a job, as I was going back to school for my masters (he didn't get accepted to grad school), and I could only work part time. He took a job, and hated it-HATED IT. He was always angry, depressed, and resentful that I had made him move out of his parents home to a place he couldn't afford. All he wanted to do was play poker, and live the life of no responsibility.
After having long angry (and sometimes) violent talks (he would throw, punch things, scream and push me), he told me that he loved me, wanted this, and wouldn't know what to do with out me. So we moved to a new place, he quit his job, I took a full time job with my Masters, and he played poker while I was at work/school.
I thought we were happy, but I knew I wasn't. He would always blame me if he lost money at poker. I ended up paying for all the groceries, entertainment, and a lot of times rent. He would go through emotional roller coasters of hating his life, where it was going, and feeling like a loser...and I would always be there, trying to encourage him, telling him it would be ok, and trying to help him find a path in life that he would enjoy. Everytime he would just go back to playing poker- it was a horrible cycle.
Moreover, what always would bother me is he would never have time for me. He would never have money to go out, or he would be too busy to play poker. However, if his friends wanted to go out and drink, he had time and money to do that (cue the instance of where he picked up a girl, started talking to her, and tried to sleep with her...I found out...said I was leaving him...he tried to kill himself, and I went right back to him)...he also always had time for his mother- THE MOTHER IN LAW FROM HELL!
About two years ago was when I started to really notice things were going bad, and yet I didn't do anything about it. I was working my ass off, and he would start a job, then quit it a month or two later, and go back to playing poker. I was having a lot of work stress at that time, and would come home very upset. His response was to suck it up, and stop being so emotional. He was NEVER there for me when I needed the support or just someone to talk to.
As a matter of fact, whenever we got into any fight (which was often, and they were becoming yelling matches where horrible things were said)...I was always the one who was wrong, irrational, way to emotional and crazy. On several occasions he told me that I was severely mentally unstable, and that I would never find anyone that would put up with the BS the he does. Of course everytime I let myself believe it, and would end up apologizing.
I continued on with the relationship. Being the one that works 60+ hours a week, did all the shopping, cooking, and cleaning. I provided emotional support and stability, and was always aware that I couldn't do better, or that if I left, Skeletor would kill himself. It was horrible.
I was trapped. I didn't do anything with my friends, because he didn't like any of them, I stopped seeing my family. I didn't do anything I liked (because everything I liked was "stupid"). I put up with him putting me down, telling me I was an idiot, yelling at me, making fun of me infront of his friends-I LET myself be a door mat.
In June he finally decided to go back to school to get a trade. However, he wanted to go away to get it. He ended up getting into a trade school 3 hours away. His parents paid for the tuition, his rent up there, groceries for him up there...everything...however, I was left to pay the rent on our apartment all by myself (and I was just starting my PhD!). We were in the middle of our lease and couldn't break it. so I ended up dishing out the rent by myself, his grocery bill on the weekend, and the other expenses by myself.
Things started to go horribly wrong come sept. At first he hated it. He would call me every day all day, upset that he was there...I would encourage him, tell him it was out, send him gifts, etc. it was draining. then he met his roomate - a young 20-something with 3 kids from 3 different women, not married, a drinker, he has a new girl every night, the list goes on.
Skeletor began going out every night when he was away. to the bars, talking to girls, going to parties of the girls he met at bars. then when he came home on the weekends (at first he would come home every weekend, but soon he would come home every now and again), he wouldn't have time/money to do anything with me - but when his friends from home call, or his mother, he would have lots of time and money to do stuff.
I put up enough of a stink that he took me out for a drive one day (that was our romantic date), and he told me that I "can't complain anymore that he doesn't do anything with [me]" I remember thinking that I deserved so much more.
I ended up saying I wanted a break on our 5 year anniversary. I had planned a dinner, cooked all his fav food, rented all his fav movies, and he kept saying that the night was so horrible because he was stressed out about school. although the next day he spent the entire day with his mother, and then for our anniversary, he planned lunch at his mother's house.
I got so upset- all I wanted was genuine time alone with him to do something we enjoyed.but he couldn't see that. He kept saying that I was trying to control him, and that I never wanted him to see his family.
At that point I told him I was moving in with my mom, subletting the apartment, and taking a break.
The next few weeks he did absolutely nothing to help me. My mom and I moved ALL of our furniture (our's is an understatement, it was all mine, I had bought everything), he didn't clean or pack a single thing, and left if for me. I did EVERYTHING. he even refused to come pick up his stuff- his DAD had to come. it was a big shocker.
During this time he said some hurtful things to me. Like that I was always holding him back, the he couldn't live the life he wanted to live with me around (apparently that life is getting with young girls he picks up from the bars), and that he really could never see himself with me.
Over the holidays we went out together...it was an eye opener. He hated everything, and I couldn't wait to get back. I was doing really good over the holidays...and then at the start of Jan, I ended up getting drunk, and sending drunk text messages.
Long story short - I had him on facebook, and saw that this really skanky 19y/o (he's 30 now), had posted all over his page that he was sexy and that she loved him.. and I got SO upset. I ended up calling him, and he refused to talk to me, he told me he was over me, that it was easy, and that was that.
I was pretty upset...but realized that I deserved a lot better. I deleted all his contact information from my phone, deleted him from facebook (oh the age of technology, right?) and since then, have put him out of my mind-until now.
I know I am so much happier. He sister-in-law talked to me yesterday and she said that I'm doing so much without him, that it's for the better (she also said he has been on quite a few dates)...but it's true! I am happier. I have friends, I go out, I travel, I have MONEY, and I'm just a more positive person.
I don't like that I am filled with such hate towards him! Last night I had such a horrible night sleep because i had dreams about him that were just so hate filled (we went to disney world, i paid of course, we were there to make up, and all he did was complain about how horrible it was, try to get with girls, and all I wanted to do was go home- I mean, I don't need to be Freud to interpret that dream!)
UGH! I just want him to get out of my head!
I think it's very telling that he's dating and hooking up with girls. After 5 years, if he can just move into that, then there's something wrong. I know i'm in no place to be with someone! I have so much work to do to find myself, and get myself into a good space!
Not being in a relationship has proven to me that I have so much ahead of me! I can live anywhere I want, I'm going to have a great job, I can travel, afford pretty clothes, have pets! I could never have a pet, because he was "allergic"
I'm so much better without that d-bag in my life- so why am I still letting him upset me?
I'm heading to the gym to work it out of my head...then going to go out, and enjoy myself tonight.
I need to let this go. Thank you all for letting me post this
