Time for Jenefer to Finally Figure this Out!
- Thread starter Jenefer
- Start date
Jenefer
Active member
Hello Lovely People! Thank you all for popping by with kind words and support! I made the rounds of the diaries earlier and ran out of time to write anything myself 
The week was certainly full on, every since I have gotten this new role, there have just been too many meetings. I will try to decline as many as I can. Monday is a holiday here, which is nice. Then there just may be a meeting every other day! I have not accepted one of them. These meetings are not productive in my opinion, I get nothing from them, at all. One fantastic thing about the pandemic was all the video meetings. They really are so much better than having to drive all over the place. Grrr I will work on this.
The dinner with the visiting family was just not my cup of tea. They were 2 hours late and my mother had put a lot of work into the affair. We were sat at the table with the 'younger generation' we were definitely at the older end of that group. There was one child (9 yrs old) who was not very well behaved, at one point she had her feet on the dinner table! She was dancing, singing, interrupting and just generally wanting to be the center of attention as we tried to eat. Her Mother seemed to have no idea what to do with her. Then another of them got up from the dinner table to got out and smoke. Literally 5 minutes after we began to eat. At the end one person talked 'at me' for 45 minutes about his personal hobby, which is not one I am interested in at all. I realized afterwards that the group we were sitting with did not ask William or I one question about how we had been doing or show any interest in us at all. Well between the child and boring guy, I guess there wasn't much time. I won't be joining this group again, ever. This is one area of my life where I have no problem saying no.
I have managed to get my workouts in, today almost got off track, but I reigned it in! I did another step aerobics video, I actually think that is a good workout for my abs. I won't say I have eaten wonderfully healthy, but not bad either. I probably need to make a bit more of an effort there. BUT here is where I have to say that I have done really well. The stress of all the meetings, combined with deadlines, combined with an absolutely wretched evening could have been enough to bring on the snack attacks! And that has not happened, which is really good! I do think not putting too much pressure on myself has also been helpful. But I would like to see some real progress, so I will have to figure all of this out.
On the puppy front...Cate & Em I believe that I have found one! She is very very young so won't be ready to leave her mother for a bit. Which actually works out because we will be going on vacation the second week of July and it will be easier to not have a brand new puppy with us. By next year she will be able to join us. That is another reason my schedule needs to calm down a bit, new puppy will need me
What have I done for myself today? This really didn't take as much time as it sounds. I painted my nails and did a quick mud mask and I suppose just allowed myself to contemplate the way I am feeling about it all. Also a bit more like intentional stretching and movement, that sounds odd. Maybe kind of like mobility movements.
I hope everyone is doing well, staying positive and enjoying the little things in life. OH! And finding ways to cut out the annoying things and people that you can! -xo
The week was certainly full on, every since I have gotten this new role, there have just been too many meetings. I will try to decline as many as I can. Monday is a holiday here, which is nice. Then there just may be a meeting every other day! I have not accepted one of them. These meetings are not productive in my opinion, I get nothing from them, at all. One fantastic thing about the pandemic was all the video meetings. They really are so much better than having to drive all over the place. Grrr I will work on this.The dinner with the visiting family was just not my cup of tea. They were 2 hours late and my mother had put a lot of work into the affair. We were sat at the table with the 'younger generation' we were definitely at the older end of that group. There was one child (9 yrs old) who was not very well behaved, at one point she had her feet on the dinner table!
She was dancing, singing, interrupting and just generally wanting to be the center of attention as we tried to eat. Her Mother seemed to have no idea what to do with her. Then another of them got up from the dinner table to got out and smoke. Literally 5 minutes after we began to eat. At the end one person talked 'at me' for 45 minutes about his personal hobby, which is not one I am interested in at all. I realized afterwards that the group we were sitting with did not ask William or I one question about how we had been doing or show any interest in us at all. Well between the child and boring guy, I guess there wasn't much time. I won't be joining this group again, ever. This is one area of my life where I have no problem saying no.I have managed to get my workouts in, today almost got off track, but I reigned it in! I did another step aerobics video, I actually think that is a good workout for my abs. I won't say I have eaten wonderfully healthy, but not bad either. I probably need to make a bit more of an effort there. BUT here is where I have to say that I have done really well. The stress of all the meetings, combined with deadlines, combined with an absolutely wretched evening could have been enough to bring on the snack attacks! And that has not happened, which is really good! I do think not putting too much pressure on myself has also been helpful. But I would like to see some real progress, so I will have to figure all of this out.
On the puppy front...Cate & Em I believe that I have found one! She is very very young so won't be ready to leave her mother for a bit. Which actually works out because we will be going on vacation the second week of July and it will be easier to not have a brand new puppy with us. By next year she will be able to join us. That is another reason my schedule needs to calm down a bit, new puppy will need me
What have I done for myself today? This really didn't take as much time as it sounds. I painted my nails and did a quick mud mask and I suppose just allowed myself to contemplate the way I am feeling about it all. Also a bit more like intentional stretching and movement, that sounds odd. Maybe kind of like mobility movements.
I hope everyone is doing well, staying positive and enjoying the little things in life. OH! And finding ways to cut out the annoying things and people that you can! -xo
Oh dear yes that dinner sounds a little painful...
It's too bad you can't just carry on with video meetings. One would hope that once we can see how things can work with that type of thing it could carry on. Yes much better than having to drive around unnecessarily.
Great to hear that you've been managing the stress without increase in snacks--that does sound like a good win!
It's too bad you can't just carry on with video meetings. One would hope that once we can see how things can work with that type of thing it could carry on. Yes much better than having to drive around unnecessarily.
Great to hear that you've been managing the stress without increase in snacks--that does sound like a good win!
alligatorob
Respected Member
Hey Jen, and a belated welcome! Seems you sneaked in whilst I was away.
You are not alone on that one, I think it all the time... When you find the answer let me know!
It doesn't, and you are very right!I am a fairly active person, so it is very true that you can't maintain your weight with exercise alone. For me this has been really true after the age of 40. Since I just turned 50, I would assume that doesn't get better
Jenefer
Active member
Well Hello Lovely People! What a nice place this is, after another looong week, to be able to come here and see my friends popped by! I apologize for not being as engaged the last week and a half. I have just been so exhausted!
I will definitely post puppy pics as I get them, right now she looks a bit like a gerbil with its eyes closed she is so young! I am looking forward to seeing her change and grow!
I think by now you have all realized that I am REALLY an introvert, a lot of the constant interaction just drains me (even when I like the people), that is what it has been like at work add in the wretched dinner party and that took me over the edge a bit. My parents told me I should get an Academy Award because apparently I didn't give my utter annoyance away, but I can only do that for a period of time, before that totally cracks.
Hi Bob! Nice to meet you, I was hoping you would be back soon! It is interesting that you picked that sentence "As I write this, a thought crosses my mind that is a rather common one. How is it possible to want something so badly, yet fail?" I have had a few strange experiences this week. I decided that I needed a little color, so was going to try a self-tanner. Well that involved standing in front of a mirror in my birthday suit and basically painting my body with the stuff. That was a VERY uncomfortable experience. You see I really realized that becoming disconnected from myself was an interesting coping mechanism for allowing this to happen. Get out of shower....avert eyes! Put on lotion, do not stand next to the mirror! There is the scale, do not step on it! Oh look there is your reflection in the mirror on the escalator....look away!
So that was my own private hell, but I tried to be very in the moment and aware of what exactly I have allowed to happen. But then a much worse thing happened. Someone gave me copies of pictures that I was in and I really wanted to cry. Because those pictures will be out there forever. When I got really thin, and worked with people who had never seen me fat, when old pictures surfaced they were like "Ohhhhh my!" It is humiliating and embarrassing. Then I came home and ate 2 cookies. Now 2 cookies is not a lot, but who the hell eats 2 cookies after basically feeling so ashamed of how they looked in pictures that other people were looking at. THANK GOD they didn't post them on the company's Facebook page.
And once again I thought, this embarrassment and shame, it is completely avoidable. AND you have been here before! HOW did you let this happen again! So I am feeling a bit emotional about it, but also REMEMBERING this is not fate. It is not my destiny to look this way and be ashamed of myself. And shame inspiring me to come home and eat 2 cookies well that is not very helpful. I am going on vacation in July, bathing suits and shorts will be involved. So I ordered some nice things to wear that hopefully will make me feel prettier. Nothing worse than ill-fitting clothes that show-case the shame, lol!
It is very hard to write this, well it is not hard to write it here. What I mean is that it is very difficult to acknowledge these feelings. To sit with them in discomfort and figure out what to do with them. It is hard to not feel very anxious about all the hurdles I see in my way and feel like I will fail if I don't overcome the hurdles. It is hard not to get grumpy about it all.
You know this is all in our control right? For real we don't have to be unhappy about this aspect of our life, we can change it. Isn't it funny to know that? So I will end on this note. We all need to remember that this is not something we can't change, it has to be a priority without totally consuming us, which I grant you is an odd balancing act. I don't want to be fat, I really don't. There are things in life that can't be changed, this just isn't one of those things! It is very easy to get discouraged, but I know that each and every one of us can do this and can maintain it.
So I hated seeing those pictures of myself today! But I liked the people I was around at work. I liked that someone told me that some things I did for him when he was very very ill, meant a lot. That it gave him something to talk to his young daughter about. I liked feeling a part of the group of people I was with today, because I think they like me. They don't care that I am fat, they care that I am nice and I am competent. I came here and saw folks stopped by to say hi. Folks who understand my struggle and who are kind and supportive. There is still good in my life and I bet in everyone else's life too. Acknowledge what you want to change, but also all the good as well. xo
I will definitely post puppy pics as I get them, right now she looks a bit like a gerbil with its eyes closed she is so young! I am looking forward to seeing her change and grow!
I think by now you have all realized that I am REALLY an introvert, a lot of the constant interaction just drains me (even when I like the people), that is what it has been like at work add in the wretched dinner party and that took me over the edge a bit. My parents told me I should get an Academy Award because apparently I didn't give my utter annoyance away, but I can only do that for a period of time, before that totally cracks.
Hi Bob! Nice to meet you, I was hoping you would be back soon! It is interesting that you picked that sentence "As I write this, a thought crosses my mind that is a rather common one. How is it possible to want something so badly, yet fail?" I have had a few strange experiences this week. I decided that I needed a little color, so was going to try a self-tanner. Well that involved standing in front of a mirror in my birthday suit and basically painting my body with the stuff. That was a VERY uncomfortable experience. You see I really realized that becoming disconnected from myself was an interesting coping mechanism for allowing this to happen. Get out of shower....avert eyes! Put on lotion, do not stand next to the mirror! There is the scale, do not step on it! Oh look there is your reflection in the mirror on the escalator....look away!
So that was my own private hell, but I tried to be very in the moment and aware of what exactly I have allowed to happen. But then a much worse thing happened. Someone gave me copies of pictures that I was in and I really wanted to cry. Because those pictures will be out there forever. When I got really thin, and worked with people who had never seen me fat, when old pictures surfaced they were like "Ohhhhh my!" It is humiliating and embarrassing. Then I came home and ate 2 cookies. Now 2 cookies is not a lot, but who the hell eats 2 cookies after basically feeling so ashamed of how they looked in pictures that other people were looking at. THANK GOD they didn't post them on the company's Facebook page.
And once again I thought, this embarrassment and shame, it is completely avoidable. AND you have been here before! HOW did you let this happen again! So I am feeling a bit emotional about it, but also REMEMBERING this is not fate. It is not my destiny to look this way and be ashamed of myself. And shame inspiring me to come home and eat 2 cookies well that is not very helpful. I am going on vacation in July, bathing suits and shorts will be involved. So I ordered some nice things to wear that hopefully will make me feel prettier. Nothing worse than ill-fitting clothes that show-case the shame, lol!
It is very hard to write this, well it is not hard to write it here. What I mean is that it is very difficult to acknowledge these feelings. To sit with them in discomfort and figure out what to do with them. It is hard to not feel very anxious about all the hurdles I see in my way and feel like I will fail if I don't overcome the hurdles. It is hard not to get grumpy about it all.
You know this is all in our control right? For real we don't have to be unhappy about this aspect of our life, we can change it. Isn't it funny to know that? So I will end on this note. We all need to remember that this is not something we can't change, it has to be a priority without totally consuming us, which I grant you is an odd balancing act. I don't want to be fat, I really don't. There are things in life that can't be changed, this just isn't one of those things! It is very easy to get discouraged, but I know that each and every one of us can do this and can maintain it.
So I hated seeing those pictures of myself today! But I liked the people I was around at work. I liked that someone told me that some things I did for him when he was very very ill, meant a lot. That it gave him something to talk to his young daughter about. I liked feeling a part of the group of people I was with today, because I think they like me. They don't care that I am fat, they care that I am nice and I am competent. I came here and saw folks stopped by to say hi. Folks who understand my struggle and who are kind and supportive. There is still good in my life and I bet in everyone else's life too. Acknowledge what you want to change, but also all the good as well. xo
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alligatorob
Respected Member
Hey Jen, I appreciate your post and can relate. I can't imagine doing the body painting in front of a mirror, I'd rather stay pale... And "Get out of shower....avert eyes! Put on lotion, do not stand next to the mirror! There is the scale, do not step on it! Oh look there is your reflection in the mirror on the escalator....look away!" I could have written that!
Since losing weight I have gotten more used to being photographed (fully clothed), though after gaining some of it back I am starting to feel a bit of the old reluctance.
And "Now 2 cookies is not a lot, but who the hell eats 2 cookies after basically feeling so ashamed of how they looked in pictures that other people were looking at." only difference is I would not have stopped at 2...
I know its hard to believe but I am sure you are a lovely lady, and a few, or even more than a few, pounds one way or the other doesn't change that. I know I focus on my flaws when looking in the mirror or at pictures of myself. When I look at others I see the whole picture and tend to focus on the good. Most of us are probably that way.
Good to meet you too! Rob
Since losing weight I have gotten more used to being photographed (fully clothed), though after gaining some of it back I am starting to feel a bit of the old reluctance.
And "Now 2 cookies is not a lot, but who the hell eats 2 cookies after basically feeling so ashamed of how they looked in pictures that other people were looking at." only difference is I would not have stopped at 2...
I know its hard to believe but I am sure you are a lovely lady, and a few, or even more than a few, pounds one way or the other doesn't change that. I know I focus on my flaws when looking in the mirror or at pictures of myself. When I look at others I see the whole picture and tend to focus on the good. Most of us are probably that way.
Good to meet you too! Rob
Oh Jen. It is the shame of 'letting ourselves go' that I think we have to rid ourselves of. I completely understand it - I am a bit that way still, well, a lot in certain scenarios. But I've decided in general to be kinder to myself about it. I used to hide away and not do anything because I was so fearful of judgement over my body. I know there is still judgement of my body going on, but I refuse to crouch in the shadows anymore. But yes, photos you don't like are extremely triggering. Glad you had a positive experience in work all the same. What your colleague said was amazing.
Cate
Long term member
Jen, I think most of us have more in common than we realise. I know I am so hard on myself & it really isn't fair. Life is such a balancing act. My instant reaction to feeling fat & horrible is to want to eat something really unhealthy & fattening & that is so illogical. These days I try to concentrate on nurturing my body with healthy food & if that means I am not slim then I think I can cope with that. That doesn't mean that I have given up on losing weight but that I am kinder to myself & more accepting.
Jenefer
Active member
Hello Rob, Em and Cate thank you for your wonderful responses. I loved them, they were helpful! There is such a comfort in the feeling of being understood! The illogical behavior that seems completely contra to the goal, yet when you read it, you understand. Thank you, coming here and seeing what you all took the time to write meant a lot to me 
alligatorob
Respected Member
And knowing we are not alone with the problems helps me as well, hopefully you too.
Llama
Well-known member
My parents told me I should get an Academy Award because apparently I didn't give my utter annoyance away, but I can only do that for a period of time, before that totally cracks.
And playing a role is work. It's exhausting. And when we're exhausted, even if it's from mental work rather than physical, our brains assume we need extra food.
And playing a role is work. It's exhausting. And when we're exhausted, even if it's from mental work rather than physical, our brains assume we need extra food.
I'm glad you are going to get some nice clothes that will make you feel good. It's nice to be able to look nice even when we are not at our ideal size or whatever. I'm at a similar age to you and I realize that a lot is making my body change into a different shape and different abilities. I think it's nice to love what I have and celebrate its abilities and not mourn too much what I don't have.
You sound fit and capable and lovely and I hope you celebrate a lot of that!
Jenefer
Active member
Hello My Friends! I hope you have all been well! I am no longer getting notifications about threads I follow so had no idea all of this was were. Thank you for your support and comments!!
Yes Rob knowing I am not alone with my problems is something I am finding extraordinarily helpful, it is amazing to be able to discuss all of this freely!
Llama- I think maybe you helped something click into place for me! "And playing a role is work. It's exhausting. And when we're exhausted, even if it's from mental work rather than physical, our brains assume we need extra food." This was like bam, wow, makes total sense and I do find a lot of things rather mentally exhausting! I will incorporate this into my 'self talk'. You are not hungry, you are mentally exhausted.
I love this Liza "I think it's nice to love what I have and celebrate its abilities and not mourn too much what I don't have.
You sound fit and capable and lovely and I hope you celebrate a lot of that!"
And this fits very nicely with a little story that I think for some reason Cate and Em will find amusing I had to break down and go to the beach. Was not thrilled, made sure that I had everything ready the day before. Also did my nails and gave myself a pedicure.
But what I really did to celebrate what I DO have is picked out a new bikini top that showed off my 2 best assets in a way I have not done in years! I thought screw it, if my bum is bigger and my stomach is not what it used to be, well I still have one heck of a for lack of a better way to say it rack. Since that is American slang I looked this up and it did make me laugh!
"Why is the word rack slang for breasts? In: English Language Because, for different reasons, both sexes hang their hopes on them."
I can't really believe I am writing this, but it is actually what I did. Liza I sure did celebrate what I DO have, lol! When I nervously took my beach cover-up off the look on William's face made it worth it, lol! His eyes WERE NOT on my stomach so problem solved!
I hope I made you laugh with my creative diversionary tactics, I really just tried to have fun with it rather than being embarrassed and ashamed. I also hope all of you are doing well on this journey that is not an easy one! xo
Yes Rob knowing I am not alone with my problems is something I am finding extraordinarily helpful, it is amazing to be able to discuss all of this freely!
Llama- I think maybe you helped something click into place for me! "And playing a role is work. It's exhausting. And when we're exhausted, even if it's from mental work rather than physical, our brains assume we need extra food." This was like bam, wow, makes total sense and I do find a lot of things rather mentally exhausting! I will incorporate this into my 'self talk'. You are not hungry, you are mentally exhausted.
I love this Liza "I think it's nice to love what I have and celebrate its abilities and not mourn too much what I don't have.
You sound fit and capable and lovely and I hope you celebrate a lot of that!"
And this fits very nicely with a little story that I think for some reason Cate and Em will find amusing
I had to break down and go to the beach. Was not thrilled, made sure that I had everything ready the day before. Also did my nails and gave myself a pedicure.But what I really did to celebrate what I DO have is picked out a new bikini top that showed off my 2 best assets in a way I have not done in years! I thought screw it, if my bum is bigger and my stomach is not what it used to be, well I still have one heck of a for lack of a better way to say it rack. Since that is American slang I looked this up and it did make me laugh!
"Why is the word rack slang for breasts? In: English Language Because, for different reasons, both sexes hang their hopes on them."
I can't really believe I am writing this, but it is actually what I did. Liza I sure did celebrate what I DO have, lol! When I nervously took my beach cover-up off the look on William's face made it worth it, lol! His eyes WERE NOT on my stomach so problem solved!
I hope I made you laugh with my creative diversionary tactics, I really just tried to have fun with it rather than being embarrassed and ashamed. I also hope all of you are doing well on this journey that is not an easy one! xo
alligatorob
Respected Member
Talk about whatever you want or need to, that's what this place is for. And I am sure you look delightful, so I'm not surprised William noticed. Is he your husband?
Yes, in fact I am smiling as I write this. Fun is much better and you really have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of.