Jenefer
Active member
Noooo I don't think there is any advantage to knowing what I am up against, it actually makes me feel like it is so daunting that I can't wrap my head around it. And I really don't know how I did it, I really do not. That sounds silly when I read it though.
1. One time I fell in love and the weight dropped off. First real boyfriend kind of thing. (1991)
2. Another time (2001) I quit a job where I was working easily 60 hours a week to start what I thought was a more reasonable job. I gained a significant amount of weight during the 1 year I worked that 60 hour a week job. I worked my literal a$$ off, took diet pills ( a big no no no now) and went to the gym every day. That one was hard! I will say that once I got to 150 pounds everything kind of sped up from there. Getting out of the 160's was AWFUL. I landed at about 125. Stayed between 125-145 for many years. I think typically about 135, 145 was the upper end of things.
3. The third time (2007), I was not significantly over weight at all and the weight just fell OFF until I was really SKINNY! The gym where I worked out closed, it was hard to get there any way I didn't like leaving my dogs, so I started running.
I don't do measurements, I think it would just be too time consuming for me. And fitting things in really does stress me and when I get stressed I am a 'stress grazer.' My tastes have changed, it used to be sweets now it is chips/salty things. If I could recluse myself from the rest of the world (just me and the fur babies for about 4 months) no work, no expectations I feel very certain the weight would literally fall off. This has actually helped me a lot to write this Liza! Because now I remember a 4th time I know I lost some weight, just not exactly how much!
4. I stopped working for 10 months after the sociopathic boss (I worked for that company for 17 years and the first 12 were good until she arrived and then every single person who worked for her quit!) and put zero pressure on my self to find a job for the entire time. I gained some weight during the last year with her (2017). It got bad, like I had an attorney bad. So I was very stressed. It helped very much when I heard she had some kind of a melt-down 4 months later and quit! Also that I was very proud of myself for the things I said to her during our last interaction. I can be churning on the inside, but look very calm, cool and collected on the outside. William really marvels at that.
Anyway, I took my time learning some new computer skills, worked out daily (but not like hard crazy work outs) and ate eggs, turkey bacon and fruit for breakfast. A very light lunch and then whatever for dinner. There was zero stress grazing and I went from a size 14 to a size 8 or 10. A lot of my work clothes were too big. Fast forward 5 years later and I am back where I was. No sociopath boss or anything, just a lot to learn and once I got the job I wanted to 'earn a place' like the one I had in my previous job. It became important to me that she didn't take anything from me, that in the end I was better off than I was before. I am better off, but I see now that came at a price.
Until this moment I have never analyzed/ documented a chronology of my weight ups and downs over the past 32 years. Probably because I really do not like thinking about it. Also there are so many years in between things that the pattern was not easy to see. But this has been very helpful with zeroing in on my issue.
So I get very stressed about apparently performing well? Like in school I was in rather academically challenging classes and wanted to do well. Maybe I also get very focused and everything else falls away. When the organization I work for switched to a new computer system, all hell broke lodse and I was working some SERIOUS hours. Anytime I end up in a situation where so much time is needed for work to go well, I seem to always let that take over my life. There is a lot more to say about that, but I think I will leave it for now. Maybe one day I will explore this more here.
I really never quite put all of this together, so again Liza, thank you for your visit and question! I had to think why I didn't know the answer and why I felt sort of queasy at the thought of thinking that I really do not know how I did it before. That doesn't mean I totally know how to do it again. I mean I know what needs to be done, but setting boundaries and not taking charge of work projects is hard for me.
I do intend to weigh myself more, I haven't been doing that either, and I think facing the fact of the scale is unfortunately needed. I know that is very different for everyone, for some folks it would not be a good thing. I have learned I have a tendency to think "oh let me get this under control and then when I lose a bit, I will see the 'reasonable' damage and be able to address it" Wellll apparently unless I am in a situation like when I took the 10 months off and had zero stress, that I am never able to get things under control without facing the facts of what is happening.
I am determined, but losing this much weight is indeed feeling quite daunting!
Tonight we are going out to dinner and I am pleased with my outfit. Jeans I bought that were too big 2 years ago, but seem to fit just fine now, lol! And a really pretty summer tank top that is flowy in the right places and fitted in the right places. William saw me and said I looked 'youthful and stylish' so I think I will take that compliment. Did the full make-up too. I am realizing that for me, making a bit of an effort feels good. I used to do that 5 days a week when I went to the office. It is a mental thing, like making a bit of an effort is needed to lose 40-50 pounds!
Oh and before I go, I did weigh myself and I am down 4 pounds, 173. And I have no idea why exactly. Must have been the grapes I ate. I did that and thought of you Cate! I thought about how being healthy and giving my body good nutrients was the right thing to do and I hoped that you were doing the same thing! I know that is a big part of your journey in the next 6 months and I do realize it is an important part of mine too.
Thank you all for being here, I am finding it immeasurably helpful! xo
Rob polymorphs is hilarious! I have 1 walk-in closet, 1 small bedroom that I turned into a closet and 2 of those kind of sliding door closets. I think I have finally gotten rid of the size 2 and 4 clothes. But I think I still have sizes 6-14. It is like a small store!
