This is the time

Thanks Jillzy! :D

Well yesterday was such a busy day for me that I went from task to task all day, eventually ate dinner and fell asleep in a chair immediately afterwards! I think my crummy cold must have had something to do with that. So no exercise, but decent food.

Today was busy but a little less than it might have been. I had booked my appraisal at the health club for this afternoon, but my cold was bad enough that I thought it might be a bit of a waste (ie not really show what my fitness level is), and unnecessarily unpleasant (seeing as talking and singing had made my throat hurt already and I wasn't sure how a whole bunch of gasping for breath would affect it), so I have rebooked that for next Wednesday.

I went to my tap class! I enjoyed it a lot more than last week. I am still the worst dancer, and probably only doing about half of it almost right, and only know what I am trying to do only about three quarters of the time ... but ... I was MUCH better than last week, and sometimes I even felt like a was dancing, and once I was puffed! It's not strenuous exercise, but it's probably equivalent to walking for a hour. I think the amount of exercise I get from it will increase as I increase my skills. I'm really looking forward to going next week.

Another day of eating ok, and I'm hopeful that the scales will show a bit more of decrease again this week.
 
Wednesday 13 February 2008

Breakfast 7:30: Slice wholemeal toast (75) with plum and cinnamon jam.(9) A boiled egg (70) with a small tomato (20) and a mushroom (2). 2 Weetbix (107) with 1 C soy milk (122) and ½ C tinned peaches (50). C coffee with a little hilo milk. (5) Breakfast - 460 calories.

Snack: 10:30 Banana (70), coffee with milk (5).

Lunch:12:30 4 Vive crackers (100), ~ 20 gm hard low fat cheese (70), a capsicum (30), a mushroom (3).
Lunch- 203 calories

Ack!! The teacher I was working for was there, and we spent most of my lunchtime talking about a child of hers I'd had that morning and the child/teacher/parent situation related to that, then she remembered that I had duty (which I didn't know) and I got 5 minutes to put my lunch together, and then took it outside and ate it while I was on duty. This is the kind of time when "eat only when sitting down" doesn't really enter my mind. Waiting till after school is not an option for me. I felt ok though.

Snack: 3:30 About 6 almonds (42). A fresh really green pear! (70)

Dinner: Fish and eggplant burger!! ~ 50 gm crimson snapper (45) with a tad of flour and fried in a little EVO oil (90). A wholemeal breadroll (150. A slice of grilled eggplant (5) with had been brushed with EVO oil (30).
Lots of salad veges - A capsicum (30), carrot (40), 1/2 small tomato (10), cabbage (10), a piece of broccoli (10), snow peas (10), cucumber (8), mushroom ( 2). A slice of watermelon (40). Boost smoothie on a stick (85)
Dinner - 565 calories

Total - 1415

Exercise: No. Though I was standing, usually walking, for about 12 hours.



Thursday 14 February 2008

Breakfast 7:30: Slice wholemeal toast (75) with plum and cinnamon jam.(9) A boiled egg (70) with a small tomato (20) and a mushroom (2). 2 Weetbix (107) with 1 C soy milk (122) and ½ C tinned peaches (50). C coffee with a little hilo milk. (5)
Breakfast - 460 calories.

Snack: 10:30 2 apricots (20), coffee with milk (5).

Lunch:
12:30 4 Vive crackers (105), ~ 40 gm hard low fat cheese (140), 1/2 a capsicum (15), a mushroom (3), a tomato (20). A rather disappointing peach (50). Lunch - 333

Snack: 3:30 A medium sized (200 gm) bunch of seedless green grapes (125), 32 gm chocolate (172), coffee with milk (5), Pespimax.

The chocolate was a valentine from my girl - I thought eating it might be a risk just because I've sometimes had a lot of trouble with this, but it didn't feel like one, and have no sense that I will pig out as a result. I suppose it might be too soon to say that though, sometimes I have had one little thing off plan one day and masses the next day. I really don't think that will happen now - I feel really controlled. Still, it turns out it was more calories than I thought.

6:15 A carrot (40)

Dinner: 8:30 Spaghetti bolognese on spinach. 1/2 C tubular spaghetti (100) (wish I hadn't bothered trying that!), 110 gm lean beef mince (165) , EVO oil ( ~90), 3/4 onion (35), 1/4 carrot (10), 2 green olives (10 ?), 1/2 mushroom, 1/4 capsicum(8), tomato paste (10), tinned tomatoes (33), 1/4 tomato (6).
Dinner - 467

I prepared some salad veges as well, in case I still felt munchie, but that food, and somehow dancing, plus something I got into on the net, kinda seemed enough.

Total - 1627

Exercise: 1 hour tap class.
 
mmm spagettii! Ive been having canned spagetting for breakfast for the past few days, its super yum (and only 200 calories a can!)
 
Its the only thing that stops me being insanly hungry all morning and consuming 1500 calories between breakfast and lunch.

We had a thing at work for valentines that you have to dress in red or bring chocolates, a couple of the guys refused to wear red so we managed to get chocolates as well. :D
 
Hey Sweetie!! I've missed ya!! I love all your food items as usually your dinners sound awesome, and all those fresh veggies you put together, it just blows me away, your so good at preparing good items with a ton of different ingrediants, for me that sounds like a lot of shopping, how else do you keep your veggies and fruits fresh all week long??

I hope your next weigh in is a great one!!
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!
 
Hello, all. :)

Tinned spaghetti, wishes??? Well, um ... whatever works for you I guess!! :D If I had to eat it, I would definitely chose Spaghetti Oops. At least the pasta is thin! Thick tinned spaghetti is harder to manage. Tinned spaghetti "bolognese" with little pieces of meat ... only if it was washed up on my desert island!! :D

Kim. You are right. I buy fresh fruit and veges constantly! I guess I shop at least 4 times a week. I probably wouldn't have to if we had a monster big refrigerator, but it is just a normal size! All those vegetables are bulky to store. I remember a few years ago, I increased my vege intake, though not as much, when I was losing weight, and I found the shopping to be quite a drag - I think that might have been when I was eating a heap of celery and the nearest store with decent celery was a little out of the way. I am somewhat adapted just now. This year also seems easier in that, my daughter only needs to be taken to dance classes once during the week and once on Saturday. She started last year with 4 days of after school commitments a week and two places to be taken on Saturday morning! This is a nice change.

Happy Valentines Day to you too - nearly over everywhere by now I guess.

I thought my husband would forget then say, "Oh no you remembered!" but instead he said "Oh no you remembered ... " and then pulled out a gift - an ornamental chilli plant! It kinda seems like a funny gift to me, though I like it - it's a much more thoughtful gift than chocolates would have been and it looks very pretty. The cream coloured chillis are short and poke upwards. I doubt there's anything symbolic about his choice. I know he thinks I am hot enough for him. :D I wore a new t-shirt the other day in a colour that really suits me, and which happened to go well with some jewellery I already had. I got a lot of compliments at work (including one mum who said, "I wondered who you were and then I realized - but you are half the size I remember", which was nice, though I think she said the same thing last time I taught one of her kids!!:D) My husband was very appreciative as well, and said "You look really young. Too young for me," a little sadly. Not true, but again nice of him to say so.
 
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wow thats awesome!

I got nothin from hubby - but i didnt expect it either - its not a big deal so much :)
oh, and our tinned spagetti is like Spaghetti Oops i think. Its just tomato sauce stuff with pasta. No meat at all. Its a 425gm i think.
 
I get parents at my kids school who dont recognize me also which is totally cool :D
Others who do come up and talk to me heaps and say how well im doing. Its kinda embarassing but also very cool.
 
Yeah, wishes, I've had that kind of thing from women from my kid's school, who I've never previously spoken to!! It is nice - how could I object to being told I look great and am doing something wonderful!! They usually start off by saying something like "I really have to tell you ..." or "I've just got to say ...". I must say though that over the past few months it's often happened that I'm lighter than the last time someone saw me, but I know that I am heavier than I was a short time earlier, or conscious that overall I haven't achieved a lot for several months - and I don't feel very comfortable about that! I still don't think it's a bad thing though. It's well intended on their part and if anything acts as a goad to doing better. By now I actually feel that whereas losing more weight is something I do for myself, regaining it would be letting down a bunch of other people, including a few who see me as visible proof that this can be done.

Valentine's is not a big deal for us either. I wouldn't have worried at all if he had forgotten. It would just have been a "gotcha"!! :D I gave him a card I made the night before, and 5 little chocolates. He did try to give me one back but as I'd already eaten the ones the girl gave me I declined.

I couldn't forget to give her something though. We are old enough that it is not our tradition. She is young enough, that it is hers!! She caught it from other people though, not us. The first year she found out that some other mums had given their children cards and I hadn't, she was in tears - and I was gobsmacked because I'd never even heard of doing that!! :D


Brandy - you absolutely fit in the category of those who should have had a wonderful Valentine's Day! I hope it was. :)
 
Brandy - you absolutely fit in the category of those who should have had a wonderful Valentine's Day! I hope it was. :)[/QUOTE]

I did thank you. My boyfriend made me feel like a princess.
 
and ... I finally remembered that I was coming to this diary today to print off the recipes Brandy gave me so that I can use some of them tonight (all of them if I can get horseradish!)
 
Well, I did have fun with the recipes. I didn't find any horseradish. I did put the other recipes together without thinking about them much until I poured the dressings over them, and finally noticed that the amount of oil I'd used meant I couldn't actually eat much of the veges!! The salads looked so professional and wonderful and I loved the combinations of ingredients - I will just use much less oil another time. I'm not too sure how much I ended up having though. If I had eaten half of all the oil I unthinkingly added that would have been 550 calories all by itself!! :D However, between the amount of unused dressing, and the amount I didn't eat, it was probably no more than 225. I automatically reduced the amount of almonds and parmesan, I don't know why I was careless about the oil!! :D

I also avoided a bunch of pork fat by the skin of my teeth, because I (unthinkingly?) put a pork loin chop onto the griller without taking the fat off, then thought, well it does look good ... Then I went and looked up the difference in my little calorie book and it was 180 calories and I considered whether I liked that taste 180 calories worth and found out that I did not. So I took it back off the grill and trimmed it.

16 Februrary 2008

Breakfast 9:00: Slice wholemeal toast (75) with plum and cinnamon jam.(9) A boiled egg (70) with a small tomato (20) and a mushroom (2). 2 Weetbix (107) with 1 C soy milk (122) and ½ C tinned peaches (50). C coffee with a little hilo milk. (5) Breakfast - 460 calories.

Lunch:12:30 A zucchini and corn brunchie. (250-350 ?) 14 almonds (98), carrot (30), capsicum (10) cucumber (10).
Lunch- (400) calories I hope.

Snack: 5:30 2 apricots (40)

Dinner: Grilled pork (300). 120 gm m/w potato (85). Mesclun salad with cranberries and apples (1/8 recipe) - dressing (60), veges (62). Marinated tomato and zucchini salad - (1/4 recipe) - dressing (118) - veges + 5 gm parmesan (80). Boost low fat icecream (80). 3/4 Granny Smith apple (50)
Dinner - 835 calories

Total - 1735

Exercise: 3/4 hour walk with dog in bush.
 
yanno that little calorie counter book has been helping me a lot to estimate my calories, I'm definitely starting to remember more of them too. However, first it was the dates, which it estimates at heaps more calories than the online calorie counter I was using, and now it's oil -I've been using the estimate of 120 calories per tbspn and now I see that book says 175 - which it reckons as 20 ml. As a percentage that's a massive difference. I knew our cups were a different size to American cups - maybe our tbspns are also? Too late at night for me to grieve too much or check further now.
 
I am temporarily deleting the two posts I just put up. They are not finished, but my computer jammed up, and I could only save them by posting them.
 
:D :D I thought you might have seen them, that's why I put up something about pulling them off. I was kinda exhausted after all that typing, and I still haven't finished finding the calories or had a chance to review what I said.

Also I got off the computer and suddenly realized that I was tired and hungry - just like yesterday eh? Except this time I made a decent lunch.

Then my husband came home, while the kids were out. :D So the lunch nearly got spoiled by delay. Only then my son came home ... too early ... and we had to let him in ... Dammit. :( :D

And I do have to get off here again, now too, so I will have to look at them again later. You never know I might take pity on my other potential readers and put up a short version. :D
 
Yesterday Saturday 16 February

Dammit. Dammit. I ate a million crap calories.

Now I need to make sure yesterday is a solitary issue and today is back to normal and I stay on normal after that. Part of what works for me is typing in my diary, and I have time to do that so here goes.

This will be kinda a long post. I hope it will not be an excuses making post. I feel confident, now that I have started typing, that just beginning to write this has pulled my mindset back to normal. Good.

So that says to me that if I stuff up, I need to type here straight afterwards, and that is something I've learned, both from my past stuff ups, when I didn't, and from this one, when I am.

(Whatabout when I can't type here??? Well that doesn't apply today so don't get hung up on it Kerry, but instant thought is - keep a quarto sized school exercise book that is THE place, for not being able to get online, and treat it the same as online, and type it up asap afterwards). (... And whatabout - "Do I have to do that FOREVER?" Well get yourself straight first and worry about forever later, and ... doing it forever would be better than being fat ... and leave the goal-reached experiments and fine turning for when the goal is reached.) (And what about "How do I stop this happening again?" For Pete's sake!! Write the flaming post whydontcha!!!)

Breakfast 9:30: Slice wholemeal toast (75) with plum and cinnamon jam.(9) A boiled egg (70) with a small tomato (20) and a mushroom (2). 2 Weetbix (107) with 1 C soy milk (122) and ½ C tinned peaches (50). C coffee with a little hilo milk. (5) Breakfast - 460 calories.

Breakfast was delayed because I finally went in for my routine blood test and that required fasting. After the test I went and weighed for Saturday. 68.1 kg (149.8 lb). I'm really pleased about that. I'm pretty sure that means I lost a little over a kilo this week. Did I deserve to? I don't remember it being hard, or me being very strict with food or exercising a lot ... . I rather wanted to share my pleasure in the new weight, but there's no simple way to do that just at that time, and really it's not a new weight. I still have 2 more kilos to go to get to a new weight. And that's probably going to be 2 slow kilos I think. I do feel despondent about that, thinking back to how long it took to get that last 2 kgs off after returning from New Zealand. Originally losing weight was a series of celebrations, but I don't feel entitled to repeat them, while I re-lose the same weight over and over, at times without effort. It's like being on hold.

Snack:12:30 3 fresh dates (165) Soda water.

I saw these in the fridge - they were supposed to be a special healthy after-dinner treat from yesterday, but yesterday I didn't need or want anything after dinner ... and anyway I thought I should stop eating at that time, because of the fast.

When I saw the dates I was feeling emotional. It was about nothing much, probably, about nothing much; but a nothing much which was sitting on top of something really big with an almost invisible filament connecting it to the big thing.

I notice this now, reflecting, because yesterday when I saw the dates, I'd "had a psycho" at my son a short time earlier, and now while I'm typing this I've "had a psycho" at my daughter. Both out of proportion to the stimulus. It's not that the kids did it exactly right, but my reaction was OTT. Why? Because attending to them was preventing me from doing something I really wanted to do, which was connected to a big deal issue. I love them, I want to do the right motherly stuff for them and be kind, so I was feeling all calm and fine, but as soon as the kids became careless about the attention I was giving them, my unobserved, genuine frustration boiled over, bringing the force of the underlying concern with it - an instant psycho about nothing much. Afterwards, yesterday I was thinking, "What was that all about? That doesn't seem enough for me to feel like this, but Jeez, I do, so ... ???"

So yeah, when I saw the dates, I was like "wham - emotional food delivered to me!!" I half recognized that eating them was a problem. I could think "I haven't had a snack yet, this is a snack", and sorta did think that. 165 calories is a bit of a big snack, when I could easily have had 40 for apricots, or 80 for a banana ... But really it wasn't the calories, it was that in my mind the dates are after-meal food, treat food, something to eat with caution - dodgy to eat as a starter. I was thinking that I was upset and that it's dodgy to start eating when I'm upset and because I'm upset.

Hmm more than dodgy. But aagh imagine making that into a rule: "I will not eat when I am upset and because I am upset "... . Right now it seems to me quite obvious that it needs to be a rule, and at the same time quite obvious that at the moment when that rule would need to be kept, I would have no resources within me that would allow me to keep it.

This cannot be a Catch-22. If there is a catch-22 like this then it has the potential to prevent me from ever being as healthy as I want, and also the potential to make me fat regardless of how much I want not to be.

It's interesting to me that when I started typing this today I was thinking that it was weird that I had binged despite there being no emotional component, and yet, here I am typing about it and I can't get out one line about a food item being dodgy (not even bad, just "dodgy"), without a long discussion related to emotions.

Okay. So that exact situation is a catch-22. That exact situation is why emotional eaters fail. I am an emotional eater but I won't fail. Why? Because I have caught myself afterwards, this time faster than last time. Because I am going to keep using every mistake situation to find out how to do better another time. Because I can use the times when I'm not in that situation to build myself in ways that give me more resources, so that I don't get in that situation where I don't have any when I need them. Because I will prod my awareness so that I remember what they are and am conscious of them when I need them.

Brave words. Words requiring action, Kerry.


Lunch 1:15 : 2 slices wholemeal bread (150), 100 gm low fat cottage cheese (90). ~ 100 gm white seedless grapes (75). That's " ~ ", because I weighed them, awkwardly, without using a proper container, and they were 150 gm, but then I rejected a whole pile of them for being marginally less than 100% crisp, or having a calloused section ...

So by then I'd finally I'd had a bit of space to achieve what I wanted, but it was clouded by my unresolved emotion, and unsatisfactory and disappointing regardless ...

And there-ya-go, I was sleepy and eating lunch and couldn't be bothered making it appealing or doing anything more. Didn't find veges. Didn't eat slowly, though I had the time. I didn't really know why I was sleepy. I thought I had enough sleep. Maybe it was the cold I've had this week, and my sense that my life had quietened down a bit.

And I definitely DIDN'T feel like putting the hem up on my dress ready for the evening's party, because I expected it to be a big tedious potentially frustrating job requiring my attention but that was next on my list for the day.

Lunch was unsatisfactory. I didn't feel satisfied. I counted up the day's calories and saw there wasn't much space in them to eat more just at that time.

What did I do? I thought more about how to get food. Okay. On reflection, I needed to find a different activity altogether and turn my attention to that. I had tried a couple of ideas that didn't pan out, and I was drowsy, and feeling blagh, but I needed to persist with looking for a different activity ... I suppose the idea that I needed to sew blocked the ideas I came up with a bit. But suppose I had worked on my reluctance and chosen to do a little sewing - that might have broken that problem - or I could have shifted the time for it - the way I ultimately did - and reclaimed after lunch time for a swim - which would probably have fixed this whole binge before it got under way.

What I actually did was eat 1 tbspn of dried cranberries (80) and 14 almonds (100), then another tbspn dried cranberries (80). And then I still felt unsatisfied. Surely my gut was registering some other lack of satisfaction altogether. I didn't want just to not feel hungry. I wanted to feel stuffed, replete, wiped out. I truly was not conscious of that at the time. Not conscious. I just felt drowsy and unsatisfied. And then I thought, that maybe I could have just one chocolate coated icecream, which is only 200ish calories, so could be accommodated within a whole day's foods, even though there wasn't much space left ... and it really did taste great ... I hadn't had chocolate for a couple of weeks at least and it was a buzz.

and then I thought that there wasn't much difference between 1 icecream and 2 ... etc. I ate 4. That's a whole lotta calories (800).

I didn't keep eating after I felt full, but I didn't give the food time to register before I ate more. And it gave me a guts ache.

And I felt full. And I thought ... well maybe I can have this instead of dinner, just this once, even though I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else, and even though I probably wouldn't want to tell another weight loser that I'd made it work, because it might make them fail ..., maybe I can make it work, because I'm just not hungry any more. (!!!! The crap I can come up with. I cannot write things like this without recognizing it. How can I even think it??)
 
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